BikerAccnt Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'm with Elswyth. Either I'm your friend, or I'm in a relationship with you. I have 2 close female friends, though I would like to have sex with them, I won't. Because they are FRIENDS, and I want to keep them as such. One of them even said to me the other week while we were out at dinner something along the line of "It's been so long since you've had any, I wouldn't be averse to a fun little romp." I gave her a look and pretty much said, thanks but no thanks. Neither one of them is a good match for me relationship wise. They and I know this. But we are friends who do talk, and occasionally go out to see bands or do other things when we aren't busy. Sex, 99% of the time, is going to mess up that friend relationship, at least for one of the people involved. In your case, I'd let the guy go. He obviously developed feelings for you, but wanted things to be one sided. He didn't want commitment, but didn't want you to do away. That would be fine if you weren't having sex, but see, sex messed up the friendship. 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I recently had a FWB fall head over heels, crazy in love with me. I had an AWFUL experience with it. He ended up going spastic when I wouldn't be with him and got a boyfriend:( He needed professional psychiatric help:( to deal with it:( and he was otherwise a very normal, stable and nice guy..... The thing is: he fell in love with me within a month or so. While that guy COULD have been crushed about losing you, I doubt he fell hard for you, and I doubt he was crazy in love with you, either; which a guy KNOWS, that he is in love with a girl, WELL within the 6 month mark! My opinion on love, which I realise is not a valid opinion for every person, is that a guy KNOWS if he is head over heels within the first few dates.
Emilia Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I don't get it. It didn't seem like he had feelings for me, he didn't seem to care about a relationship... is he just upset he can't get laid any more?? Should I just give him space until he finds someone else to sleep with? It doesn't matter. It's in his mind, not yours. You are working on fixing stuff with your ex anyway. Let him go. This is messy. People who don't want labels but want your company beyond sex (ie wedding invite) usually have a whole lot of things to deal with in their mind you don't even know about. It's his issues. Hope you fix it with your ex and welcome back 1
Iguanna Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'll say the story with the milk that is delivered every day at your doorstep. You may not like milk but somehow it's delivered to you so you don't mind that much. After this becoming a habit some day the milk is not delivered. You start to miss it not cause you like the milk but cause a routine of a long time is broken. He was used to be able to f%ck you whenever he wanted and you took this away. He thought he had something granted in his life and he lost it. We people hate to lose people and things we take for granted, even though we may treat them badly most of the time. 2
Leigh 87 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'll say the story with the milk that is delivered every day at your doorstep. You may not like milk but somehow it's delivered to you so you don't mind that much. After this becoming a habit some day the milk is not delivered. You start to miss it not cause you like the milk but cause a routine of a long time is broken. He was used to be able to f%ck you whenever he wanted and you took this away. He thought he had something granted in his life and he lost it. We people hate to lose people and things we take for granted, even though we may treat them badly most of the time. And he also could have really liked verhrzn. It is not always the case of them " not liking the milk that much". Some guys can like a girl FWB quiet a lot. Without being all that crazy about them.
Leigh 87 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) And yes you can be friends after the benefits have faded.. I have been friends with some ex FWB. Although I couldn't be friends with the one who fell in love with me. Me and this other FWB dude, though, quiet liked each other! We liked each other enough to date, but we didn't due to him having a possible long distant girl he was making a decision on and me not being ready for a R after a long term R breakdown....... Yet we managed to be friends after our benefits ended, in spite of the fact we both did have feelings for each other somewhat. We both have partners now. We are still friends. We just don't text every day the way we did when we... well, hooked up:laugh: Umm.... Another FWB didn't even want friendship after... Which p*ssed me off, since I ONLY set out fo be FWB with men who are ACTUALLY interested in being my friend AFTER the sex side of things ends.... I think you can be a friend to this guy if he needs someone to talk to; but not just someone you text every day for the hell of it, if you get me.. More or less, you should cut him off, but tell him that he can talk to you anytime if he needs advice or support. Edited December 11, 2013 by Leigh 87
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Should I just give him space until he finds someone else to sleep with? Yes. Time is the only way back to friends, if that can even be done. FWIW, you shouldn't write him off because it took him a while to warm up to the idea of a relationship. He did take you to a family wedding which tells me he likes you more then he is ready to admit. 1
Author verhrzn Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 And he also could have really liked verhrzn. It is not always the case of them " not liking the milk that much". Some guys can like a girl FWB quiet a lot. Without being all that crazy about them. Eh, I think he might have enjoyed my company, but whatever form he liked me in, I don't think it was romantic in the way I want. I am of the opinion that barring extreme circumstances, if a guy likes a girl, he will try to find a way to make it work. Thanks for all of the encouragement with my ex, guys. I am pleased and excited and nervous. It's a kind of complicated, messy situation... both of us feel very deeply for each other, but he's very hurt over things I did over the summer (lying, not being upfront with him, leading him on in a way. I was a very not good partner.) I'm also the only girl he's dated in 7 years, and we reconnected just as he was getting some attention out on the dating scene.... So he wants us to work on things and to rebuild trust between us, and isn't fully ready to jump back into a full-fledged relationship. We've promised each other sexual exclusivity and communication, and I am willing to give him space/understanding/patience for a few months for him to sort out all his feelings. There is a chance this may fail horribly, and that he could change his mind today/tomorrow/next week, but I trust him to communicate that if/when it does happen, and until then, trust that he will communicate, work through things with me, and that he cares a lot about me even if he's not ready for a relationship yet. Some of my friends think I am a giant idiot... they think he's playing me and he should cut me off and go have sex and "true love" with some other woman and I should get over him. But I am just not prepared to let go of someone who means the world to me, romantically. So I'm happy to take the risk, and so far, I am very pleased with the agreement we've come to. Haha, wow, that was some babbling. I should have made a thread just for that! And thanks for all of the welcome backs. 3
Author verhrzn Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Yes. Time is the only way back to friends, if that can even be done. FWIW, you shouldn't write him off because it took him a while to warm up to the idea of a relationship. He did take you to a family wedding which tells me he likes you more then he is ready to admit. 6 months is way too long to "warm up" to the idea of a relationship, IMO. That does not work for me. And the fact that he never communicated anything always struck me as a bad sign. I think any relationship that is that marred in mystery and takes that long to get off the ground isn't going to be healthy in and of itself. It's just not what I want.
Leigh 87 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Good luck with your ex! Hope it all works out for you.
Babolat Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'm with Elswyth. Either I'm your friend, or I'm in a relationship with you. I have 2 close female friends, though I would like to have sex with them, I won't. Because they are FRIENDS, and I want to keep them as such. One of them even said to me the other week while we were out at dinner something along the line of "It's been so long since you've had any, I wouldn't be averse to a fun little romp." I gave her a look and pretty much said, thanks but no thanks. Neither one of them is a good match for me relationship wise. They and I know this. But we are friends who do talk, and occasionally go out to see bands or do other things when we aren't busy. Sex, 99% of the time, is going to mess up that friend relationship, at least for one of the people involved. In your case, I'd let the guy go. He obviously developed feelings for you, but wanted things to be one sided. He didn't want commitment, but didn't want you to do away. That would be fine if you weren't having sex, but see, sex messed up the friendship. You sound a bit like me. I have a great female friend who I am attracted to, but will not have sex wih her and I truly value our friendship. Sex has never come up between us in conversation, either. Our mutual friends say "we know you two are having sex!" and we just laugh it off. She is my type, I could date her, but, once dating starts, things change, so I don't want to go there with her. I did have my first kind of FWB recently, she ended it,as she was getting close to me, as I was to her and I do miss our friendshipo, and can live without the sex. Another female friend recently ended a very toxic relationship. She has been reaching out to me. We've done Yoga then a drink twice, and yesterday she invited me to her work Christmas party. Not sure how to handle this one, as, like your one friend, she has said enough and shown enough to tell me she is interested in sex, or something, and I don't want to go there with her. I do like hanging out with her though and we share a lot in common, mostly fitness type stuff. On top of all that the ex gf and I are spending time together again. OP, you seem to be in a good, stable, healthy place with this one. Go NC. In time, if he is a true friends, things will shake out. And yeah, regarding your ex (I don't know that story) I would go NC with the FWB if you want to give thata chance. I am not jealous or insecrue. but I would have an issue with you wanting to remain friends with a very recent FWB while we were apart.
gaius Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Strange, I was just wondering what happened to you the other day vertical. Figured you were probably busy getting bonked. Sounds like a guy who considered you his girlfriend but was too douchey to say it out loud. All the signs were there. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and pull his stuff together in the future. Good to see you dumping one guy and stringing another along for a change.
Author verhrzn Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Strange, I was just wondering what happened to you the other day vertical. Figured you were probably busy getting bonked. Sounds like a guy who considered you his girlfriend but was too douchey to say it out loud. All the signs were there. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and pull his stuff together in the future. Good to see you dumping one guy and stringing another along for a change. Haha hey now, if anyone is stringing along anyone, my ex is stringing along me! We've agreed to be sexually exclusive, but he may be going on dates with other people. I have not asked, he has not said he definitely will, but the option is there if he feels like it. I am not going to date around myself, and I am cool with the arrangement so long as we're still sexually exclusive. That said, I totally don't think he's stringing me along because I am cool with the arrangement, but still, gimme some credit.
Phantom888 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 If you two act like boyfriends/girlfriends, and have sex like boyfriends/girlfriends, then you are a couple. Don't look at it as a label. When you two hook up, do you kiss? Kissing is very intimate, and you do that with someone you really care about. I can't imagine kissing a FWB. I mean, if it's about sex, then just pull down your pants and get it on. No need for romantic gestures like kissing.
Author verhrzn Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Strange, I was just wondering what happened to you the other day vertical. Figured you were probably busy getting bonked. Sounds like a guy who considered you his girlfriend but was too douchey to say it out loud. All the signs were there. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and pull his stuff together in the future. Good to see you dumping one guy and stringing another along for a change. I forgot to ask this part.... what signs are you referring to? Cause from where I'm standing, all signs pointed to "friends with benefits." Which is why his current attitude rather annoys me!
Andy_K Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Off topic: I think it's funny that you came back to LS shortly after I did. I stopped posting once things got serious with my GF. Once she ended it, I came right back to LS. We've also started going out about six months ago. Interesting how we're parallel. Replace 'six months' with '18 months' and I could have written exactly this too.. 1
gaius Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I forgot to ask this part.... what signs are you referring to? Cause from where I'm standing, all signs pointed to "friends with benefits." Which is why his current attitude rather annoys me! He introduced you to his family as his girlfriend and didn't object when you brought up exclusively. Unless you think he was lying that means he was dating only you. Granted he wasn't meeting your needs and that's a perfectly acceptable reason to dump someone but doesn't change the fact in his mind you were the girlfriend. Some guys love to try and look cool and strong by "keeping their options open" when they either don't have any other options or only want the one they have already. Makes them look like tools and many don't learn their lesson until it's too late.
Author verhrzn Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 He introduced you to his family as his girlfriend and didn't object when you brought up exclusively. Unless you think he was lying that means he was dating only you. Granted he wasn't meeting your needs and that's a perfectly acceptable reason to dump someone but doesn't change the fact in his mind you were the girlfriend. Some guys love to try and look cool and strong by "keeping their options open" when they either don't have any other options or only want the one they have already. Makes them look like tools and many don't learn their lesson until it's too late. Hmm I wonder what you would think of my ex then. Because he and I have also agreed on sexual exclusivity, but he's still pursuing dates with other girls (for reasons I think make sense... ego stroke, enjoying the first non-me female attention in 7 years, not wanting to commit to me before he's sure we can work, still feeling hurt over how the summer went down.) I think it'd be wrong to consider myself his girlfriend or committed, right? Eh, I guess I still don't feel like I was, but maybe it's a matter of opinion.
marvola Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 So I started myself with a female person at first I was friends with benefits, it took some until I started to have a normal relationship and I incpeut to love, so in my opinion and the relationships between friends with benefits have finally at least to me it happened
Negative Nancy Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Wow verhrzn, youre back! Have I been the only one wondering what happened to you? 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Wow verhrzn, youre back! Have I been the only one wondering what happened to you? Actually... She wrote a few depressing threads and when she just disappeared I was a tad worried about her?
Anela Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Wow verhrzn, youre back! Have I been the only one wondering what happened to you? No, you haven't. 1
Chicago_Guy Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Well the truth is I don't want to date him, for a couple of reasons. 1) I still have some deep feelings for my ex that I only just realized. I and my ex are talking about the possibility of getting back together. 2) I want to date a guy who doesn't take 6 months to develop feelings for me, and certainly doesn't need me breaking it off to show them. Frankly, it kind of pisses me off. He said he didn't want any kind of commitment or expectations less than a month ago, and now all of a sudden he "really really" likes me? It feels like a power play.... Because if he really, really liked me, wouldn't he have tried to date me before now? However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh? I seriously doubt it took this guy 6 months to develop feelings for you. He was probably a bit shy, yet was attracted to you the entire time, although you didn't realize it.
Author verhrzn Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Update: After making the post, the guy contacted me about a week or so later. Since then (mid-December), we've been hanging out just fine, no real awkwardness, about every other week or so. There was one night where I was rather emotional in the middle of the mess with my ex, and was crying to the guy about what was going on. But aside from expressing sympathy like a good friend, he didn't seem to mind. He even mentioned that over New Years he'd driven 2 hours south just to hang out with a gal friend of his. (I got the impression they'd hooked up, though he never said out right.) This made me think that I really had just been over-analyzing a Friends With Benefits thing, and we were now cool and good being just the Friends part. This made me really happy, because I really enjoy his friendship. Earlier this week, I ran into him a social gathering. I was originally going to go much earlier, but got side-tracked, so I was surprised to still see him there. I had brought along my new boyfriend (my ex), and as soon as he saw him, my friend seemed suddenly really cold. He wouldn't make eye contact when I struck up a conversation, spoke only in short sentences, and then suddenly disappeared. Since then, he hasn't contacted me in any way or responded to my texts. And I don't get why. Why is he upset now? Why is he upset at all?? The truth is, if he's upset that I'm dating someone else-that makes me really angry. He didn't want to date me. He didn't act like it-he treated me like a FWB. Which is fine, but then where does he get off acting all wounded and upset that I decided I wanted more than that? How am I supposed to handle this? I thought everything was settled, and now he's making things awkward. What do I do?
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