Friends After the Benefits-Is It Possible?

[verhrzn]

I started hanging out with a guy about 6 months ago. We started out as platonic friends, just hanging out and watching movies or playing video games. I thought he was attractive, but didn't really feel like pursuing anything.

 

A few months later, somewhat on a whim (I was feeling hurt and wounded over another guy), I suggested we try out friends with benefits. He was fine with the idea (shocking ), so we hooked up. Nothing else really changed though-we talked the same amount (every few days), hung out the same amount (1-2 times a week), and did essentially the same things when hanging out.

 

After a month or two, I did ask for monogamy (even in friends with benefits, I prefer we're only with each other.) He shrugged, said sure that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

Everything seemed fine until October, when he invited me to his brother's wedding. I thought I was going as a friend, or maybe as a designated driver. At the actual wedding, they had me sit at the wedding party table (!) since the guy was a groom. He alternatively introduced me as "kind of" his girlfriend and his "friend."

 

I was really confused, so I asked him what exactly we were. His response was that we were "kind of" dating, but that he didn't like relationship labels... he said he was not interested in commitment, expectations or making future plans. He also wasn't that interested in kids, whereas I absolutely am.

 

In addition, he never opened up about stuff. All of our conversations were about hobbies and work. I knew almost nothing about his dating history, his dreams or what he was feeling. He was very stoic. Which is fine.... but doesn't say "relationship" to me.

 

Last week, I decided to stop hooking up with him. I figured it was going to end at some point, it wasn't moving towards a relationship, and I am currently struggling with some complicated feelings regarding my ex. I felt like it was a good idea not to hop into bed with someone else with all that going on.

 

When I told him, he acted crushed. He got very upset and left, and now isn't responding to any of my text messages.

 

I don't get it. It didn't seem like he had feelings for me, he didn't seem to care about a relationship... is he just upset he can't get laid any more??

 

Should I just give him space until he finds someone else to sleep with?

[somedude81]

Sometimes, you don't realize your true feelings for somebody till after they leave.

[MidwestUSA]

Sounds as if he developed feelings after all, even if he wasn't great at expressing them. He misses you, and not just for the sex. What happens next is up to you. Good luck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It could be any number of things. He could be pissed at not getting sex anymore, he could take this rejection as a blow to his ego or he could have real feelings for you.

 

If you really want to know, tell him that you are not comfortable with sex without commitment anymore so that's why you are ending it. see what he says. If he doesn't offer commitment stop the benefits part.

 

Also, welcome back!

[verhrzn]

Well the truth is I don't want to date him, for a couple of reasons.

 

1) I still have some deep feelings for my ex that I only just realized. I and my ex are talking about the possibility of getting back together.

 

2) I want to date a guy who doesn't take 6 months to develop feelings for me, and certainly doesn't need me breaking it off to show them. Frankly, it kind of pisses me off. He said he didn't want any kind of commitment or expectations less than a month ago, and now all of a sudden he "really really" likes me? It feels like a power play.... Because if he really, really liked me, wouldn't he have tried to date me before now?

 

However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh?

[carhill]

Last week, I decided to stop hooking up with him. I figured it was going to end at some point, it wasn't moving towards a relationship, and I am currently struggling with some complicated feelings regarding my ex. I felt like it was a good idea not to hop into bed with someone else with all that going on.

 

When I told him, he acted crushed. He got very upset and left, and now isn't responding to any of my text messages.

 

His supply of sex dried up. Since only the sex part ended, and all the 'hanging out' could have easily continued, how much of a friend was he really?

 

I don't get it. It didn't seem like he had feelings for me, he didn't seem to care about a relationship... is he just upset he can't get laid any more??

IMO, the latter. Mommy took his toy away.

 

Should I just give him space until he finds someone else to sleep with?

 

IMO, as the evidence presented indicates he was primarily an acquaintance who was a casual sex partner, I don't think any 'space' is required. Simply move on. You'll have thousands of acquaintances in life and probably won't remember most of them.

 

Best wishes in resolving your issues regarding your ex. Perhaps once that is resolved, then you may meet a man who wants to date you and be intimate with you.

[somedude81]

Well the truth is I don't want to date him, for a couple of reasons.

 

1) I still have some deep feelings for my ex that I only just realized. I and my ex are talking about the possibility of getting back together.

 

2) I want to date a guy who doesn't take 6 months to develop feelings for me, and certainly doesn't need me breaking it off to show them. Frankly, it kind of pisses me off. He said he didn't want any kind of commitment or expectations less than a month ago, and now all of a sudden he "really really" likes me? It feels like a power play.... Because if he really, really liked me, wouldn't he have tried to date me before now?

 

However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh?

Feelings take time to develop.

 

The six month mark is right around when people start to fall really hard.

 

Either way, I think what happens next is up to him. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you've lost him as a friend. Of course that dynamic changed when you started having sex.

[verhrzn]

Feelings take time to develop.

 

The six month mark is right around when people start to fall really hard.

 

Either way, I think what happens next is up to him. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you've lost him as a friend. Of course that dynamic changed when you started having sex.

 

Why? Guys have sex and then go right back to being friends with girls all the time, and if the girl develops feelings, it's her fault for not speaking up.

 

I dunno, if it takes you six months to fall for someone when you're hanging out with them, alone, on a weekly basis.... It's probably not gonna be a long-term feeling.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good to see you, verhrzn!

 

I'm sure he cared about you, but I think his reaction mostly reveals a blow to the ego and disappointment that he won't be getting sex from you anymore.

 

However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh?

If you really want to be friends, I'd just leave him alone for a while and then see. He might not want to be friends with you anymore, but maybe he will. After some time, you could invite him to do one of your former friend activities, without the benefits part, and see how he responds to that.

[odin673]

However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh?

 

Why is his friendship so important? Finding people to "enjoy hanging out with" is relatively easy. Staying friends would probably be detrimental to him.

 

Would your future boyfriend be ok with you hanging out with a dude you've had lots if sex with? A lot of women try "just friends" with a guy they dumped or rejected. It's usually about boosting their ego/self-esteem.

[ZX4]

The guy isn't crushed because he has strong feelings for you, he's crushed because now he cant leave you hanging.

 

Now he knows that he cant just have a "kind of" girlfriend; you've given him an ultimatum, and he has made his first move: Deciding not to continue speaking to you.

 

He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants you to play his girlfriend, without having to really commit to you. Since you're not giving that to him, he's done with you.

[somedude81]

Why? Guys have sex and then go right back to being friends with girls all the time, and if the girl develops feelings, it's her fault for not speaking up.

It sounds like you're generalizing.

 

Personally, I would not want to go back to just being friends with a girl after sleeping with her. Then again, I can't really imagine myself sleeping with a girl without being in a relationship first. It may be different with FWB, which I've never done.

 

 

I dunno, if it takes you six months to fall for someone when you're hanging out with them, alone, on a weekly basis.... It's probably not gonna be a long-term feeling.

There's no way to know.

 

Maybe he's liked you for a while and the feelings just started to get really strong?

 

BTW, if you do want to get back with your ex, I don't think you should talk to this guy anymore. I doubt many guys will be happy with their GF spending time with a guy they've slept with.

[verhrzn]

Why is his friendship so important? Finding people to "enjoy hanging out with" is relatively easy. Staying friends would probably be detrimental to him.

 

Would your future boyfriend be ok with you hanging out with a dude you've had lots if sex with? A lot of women try "just friends" with a guy they dumped or rejected. It's usually about boosting their ego/self-esteem.

 

Actually, developing friendships can be difficult for me. Unless there was a lot of drama or a major personality crash, I prefer to remain friends with whomever I can. For example, he and I share a hobby that few of my other friends do, and it's not the sort of hobby I can do alone.

 

I'm not gonna guess what my future boyfriend cares about. My ex is (understandably) not really wanting him around.... as my ex feels I dumped him for this friend (I didn't, but I respect that my ex feels that way.) I'm going to guess, though, that most guys will also have girls who they slept with and are still around, and wouldn't get rid of just because I feel insecure, so why shouldn't I expect the same?

 

Hell, this guy lives with his former FWB. (She's a mutual friend, and she's currently dating someone else.)

[somedude81]

Off topic:

 

I think it's funny that you came back to LS shortly after I did. I stopped posting once things got serious with my GF. Once she ended it, I came right back to LS. We've also started going out about six months ago.

 

Interesting how we're parallel.

[tlegend]

Why are you upset with him? Please, seriously ask yourself this.

 

You are the one who suggested FWBs.

You are the one who initiated it.

You are the one who then broke it off.

 

And now you are chastising him because he developed feelings for you and is upset?

 

Yes, he didn't want a relationship in the beginning, but he agreed to become FWB after you asked. He wasn't seeking it out, so stop all this bull**** about "oh he's mad because he doesn't get sex anymore". From what I understand, it was you seeking the sex with him.

 

Maybe he's mad because he actually did develop feelings for you, and he doesn't know how to handle the fact that you don't feel the same. Ever think of that? Had I developed feelings for my FWB and wanted to take it further, and she didn't feel the same, I would also go NC with you, at least for a while to get myself together.

 

If he was a true friend, he will contact you. For now, leave him the ***c alone.

[verhrzn]

Why are you upset with him? Please, seriously ask yourself this.

 

You are the one who suggested FWBs.

You are the one who initiated it.

You are the one who then broke it off.

 

And now you are chastising him because he developed feelings for you and is upset?

 

Yes, he didn't want a relationship in the beginning, but he agreed to become FWB after you asked. He wasn't seeking it out, so stop all this bull**** about "oh he's mad because he doesn't get sex anymore". From what I understand, it was you seeking the sex with him.

 

Maybe he's mad because he actually did develop feelings for you, and he doesn't know how to handle the fact that you don't feel the same. Ever think of that? Had I developed feelings for my FWB and wanted to take it further, and she didn't feel the same, I would also go NC with you, at least for a while to get myself together.

 

If he was a true friend, he will contact you. For now, leave him the ***c alone.

 

I was also the one who suggested monogamy. And his answer was essentially "Sure, whatever."

I was also the one who initiated the talk about "what are we?" Actually, I initiated it twice because it was so unclear. And the second time he got kind of testy and said "I thought we had already discussed it."

 

In no way did he demonstrate romantic feelings for me. At no point did he even mention or allude to it. I am not a mind-reader; if he developed feelings, why did he never bring it up? Why did he never clarify what he wanted?

 

I'll also share a story that solidified my decision. About a month ago I was having a very difficult time, and called him late at night, asking if I could come over. I just didn't want to be alone and wanted to sleep next to someone. He was clearly uncomfortable with it, but said sure. I show up, he lets me in, and then immediately turns over and goes to sleep. Just completely ignores me, even though I clearly looked like I'd just been crying.

 

That said, louder than anything else, that he didn't see me in a romantic way. Which truthfully I am okay with it.... But I do not see why I should sacrifice a chance with an ex (who I care about very deeply and on the whole treated me very well) for someone who reacts like that. He reacted like a friends-with-benefits... not a boyfriend. What else should I have assumed?

[verhrzn]

Off topic:

 

I think it's funny that you came back to LS shortly after I did. I stopped posting once things got serious with my GF. Once she ended it, I came right back to LS. We've also started going out about six months ago.

 

Interesting how we're parallel.

 

Well, actually I've been single since about May. Aside from the guy I'm talking about in this thread, I haven't gone out with or even kissed anyone else since then.

[Babolat]

I started hanging out with a guy about 6 months ago. We started out as platonic friends, just hanging out and watching movies or playing video games. I thought he was attractive, but didn't really feel like pursuing anything.

 

A few months later, somewhat on a whim (I was feeling hurt and wounded over another guy), I suggested we try out friends with benefits. He was fine with the idea (shocking ), so we hooked up. Nothing else really changed though-we talked the same amount (every few days), hung out the same amount (1-2 times a week), and did essentially the same things when hanging out.

 

After a month or two, I did ask for monogamy (even in friends with benefits, I prefer we're only with each other.) He shrugged, said sure that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

Everything seemed fine until October, when he invited me to his brother's wedding. I thought I was going as a friend, or maybe as a designated driver. At the actual wedding, they had me sit at the wedding party table (!) since the guy was a groom. He alternatively introduced me as "kind of" his girlfriend and his "friend."

 

I was really confused, so I asked him what exactly we were. His response was that we were "kind of" dating, but that he didn't like relationship labels... he said he was not interested in commitment, expectations or making future plans. He also wasn't that interested in kids, whereas I absolutely am.

 

In addition, he never opened up about stuff. All of our conversations were about hobbies and work. I knew almost nothing about his dating history, his dreams or what he was feeling. He was very stoic. Which is fine.... but doesn't say "relationship" to me.

 

Last week, I decided to stop hooking up with him. I figured it was going to end at some point, it wasn't moving towards a relationship, and I am currently struggling with some complicated feelings regarding my ex. I felt like it was a good idea not to hop into bed with someone else with all that going on.

 

When I told him, he acted crushed. He got very upset and left, and now isn't responding to any of my text messages.

 

I don't get it. It didn't seem like he had feelings for me, he didn't seem to care about a relationship... is he just upset he can't get laid any more??

 

Should I just give him space until he finds someone else to sleep with?

 

When my FWB said she could not sleep with me anymore, she was shocked that I did not just say "OK". She was convinced I did not have feelings for her, that I just wanted sex.

 

We talked for a while, I told her it was more than sex for me, and then she got very confused.

 

I think, what I did, was played it all cool while we were having sex and hanging out, to convince myself, and her, it was something I could do, without letting emotions walk into the room. But, they did. And we were starting to do coupley things together, cooking dinner, going out for dinner, going to clubs, festivals, hanging out with my friends, etc. I was starting to see her as somone I could possibly date.

 

So, I get how he feels (I was not curshed though, more disappointed).

 

He is crushed, in my opinion, because he was developing feelings for you. And yes, you should give him space.

[Babolat]

Well the truth is I don't want to date him, for a couple of reasons.

 

1) I still have some deep feelings for my ex that I only just realized. I and my ex are talking about the possibility of getting back together.

 

2) I want to date a guy who doesn't take 6 months to develop feelings for me, and certainly doesn't need me breaking it off to show them. Frankly, it kind of pisses me off. He said he didn't want any kind of commitment or expectations less than a month ago, and now all of a sudden he "really really" likes me? It feels like a power play.... Because if he really, really liked me, wouldn't he have tried to date me before now?

 

However, I do want to be friends with him. He's a nice guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with him. Telling him he's being unreasonable probably wouldn't help though huh?

 

Similar boat here....talking with the ex, not sure where that will go, yet I do like the FWB as a person, and, would like to keep our frienship. Probably not dooablke though.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

People over look this but us guys tend to catch feelings but try not to show it more than people think. If the sex is good and the girl is hot some dudes fall real quick so yea it's a blow to his ego and he's probably hurt but I am sure if you keep sleeping with him he will be happy.

[gabgab]

I think you did the right thing OP.

 

That story you said about how emotionally cold he was towards you, can you picture being trapped in a relationship with a guy like that? He also sounds like a terrible communicator and brushed you off whenever you brought up serious topics. Honestly, this guy probably wouldn't have even made you happy as a long term option.

 

He is probably more upset his sex supply has been cut off and that you aren't weak enough to stick around settling for breadcrumbs of an actual relationship. Men have egos (as you can see from many men here responding...I guarantee if the roles were reversed they'd be very adamant you did the right thing...men are all about their egos however)

[tlegend]

I think you did the right thing OP.

 

That story you said about how emotionally cold he was towards you, can you picture being trapped in a relationship with a guy like that? He also sounds like a terrible communicator and brushed you off whenever you brought up serious topics. Honestly, this guy probably wouldn't have even made you happy as a long term option.

 

He is probably more upset his sex supply has been cut off and that you aren't weak enough to stick around settling for breadcrumbs of an actual relationship. Men have egos (as you can see from many men here responding...I guarantee if the roles were reversed they'd be very adamant you did the right thing...men are all about their egos however)

 

EDIT: I have an ego, disregard this post.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Verhrzn,

 

Its probably best to let your FWB go his own way. From what you have told us, it seems like this guy has gone NC because you have taken control of the situation. If the arrangement was not working for you, then kudos to you for being upfront and ending it.

 

He is likely suffering now because he was getting what he thought he wanted, had control, and now feels he has lost it. If his attachment was strong, his loss of the control may lead him back to contacting you. I say, better for both of you if he does not come back as anything other than a friend..... after he has his emotional attachment resolved. Otherwise, it could get real messy, jeopardizing any chance of true friendship.

 

I have been on both ends in recent relationships and it is better to resolve things with No Contact until you both are happy to be just friends again.

 

Good Luck

[verhrzn]

You guys are totally right, I think NC is the way to go. I get impatient sometimes, but then remind myself that time is necessary for certain things. For example, going NC is probably the best way to break "dating-like" habits we had formed. My intention was to go NC, and then I thought I was being too harsh.... but I think what I believed originally is the best idea.

[Els]

Welcome back, verhrzn! I still can't spell your name.

 

Ehhh... I'm generally of the opinion that 'benefits' complicates 'friendships', a lot of the time. IMO the most clean-cut way is to either actually turn the friendship into a R (which still makes it irreversible, but at least there's a shot of things working out), or to just be platonic friends, period. If you're spending a lot of time together doing non-sexual activities together in close proximity, talking a lot, AND you're having sex, lines are bound to get blurred a bit, I'd think.

 

But, I think you already learnt that. The hard way.

 

I'd let this guy go if he wants to go, since NC may be the only way for him to heal and move on from you.

 

Also, here's to hoping things work out the way you want with regards to your potential reconciliation with your ex, whichever way that is.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Elswyth