s: do you consider the following behaviour disrespectful?

[bellesstarr]

I'm having a disagreement with my partner and wanted others v iews on it. He thinks im 'nit picking' and my problems with him are irrelevant.

He works a lot so when we are together our time spent is important to me; however he always blights this with his (imo) awful manners.

Everywhere we go he walks way ahead of me (something i've seen in repressed middle eastern countries).

Out for meals he will try to find a newspaper, play on his mobile, ring work, text his parents etc. Leaving me to just stare blankly around the room until his food comes. Then i get my allocated conversation.

He hasn't paid me a compliment in years or made any romantic gestures. There is no physucal contact/affection from him unless its for sex.

If i try to talk about it im branded a troublemaker. He says he gives so much to work he has nothing left to give me.

I want to be supportive of him but i need something more from him.

[PegNosePete]

Wow he sounds like quite a catch for sure. Did you dream of being treated like this when you were a child?

 

Or did you dream of a guy who loves every minute he spends with you, who can't wait to next see you again, who always has a kind word and a smile on his face?

 

I'm guessing the latter.

[pteromom]

I don't know about disrespectful, but it certainly seems incompatible with what you want.

 

He said it himself - he has nothing left to give you. If you can live with that, continue the relationship. If you can't, don't.

[MissBee]

I'm having a disagreement with my partner and wanted others v iews on it. He thinks im 'nit picking' and my problems with him are irrelevant.

He works a lot so when we are together our time spent is important to me; however he always blights this with his (imo) awful manners.

Everywhere we go he walks way ahead of me (something i've seen in repressed middle eastern countries).

Out for meals he will try to find a newspaper, play on his mobile, ring work, text his parents etc. Leaving me to just stare blankly around the room until his food comes. Then i get my allocated conversation.

He hasn't paid me a compliment in years or made any romantic gestures. There is no physucal contact/affection from him unless its for sex.

If i try to talk about it im branded a troublemaker. He says he gives so much to work he has nothing left to give me.

I want to be supportive of him but i need something more from him.

 

Ahh...I'm not sure why you're asking if this is disrespectful when it clearly is!

 

If he says he has nothing to give to you...what is there to be supportive of? I would say cut your losses.

 

He isn't the last man on earth and certainly not the best! Many relationships have an expiration date but many of us stay long past due attempting to squint and delude ourselves into believing something salvageable is there. In your case this man seems like he is with you just because he is but he doesn't give a whit and will make absolutely NO effort! Why put up with that?

 

It doesn't matter how much you work. Men who are invested in their relationship and who love and care about their gf/wife and want things to work make it work and don't allow work to consume them to the point that they have no time for her. At dinner he has the time to talk to you but chooses not to, he chooses to text, read a newspaper, talk to other people, do anything else but talk to you! The work thing is an excuse, this man simply can't be arsed and I don't think anything you do will change that. A man either loves you and wants to spend time with you and make you happy or doesn't. It's as simple as that. It's not up to you to make him want to see you and compliment you and spend time with you.

 

Exactly what are the benefits of being with him again?

[bellesstarr]

Thanks for your input. I guess some people look for perfection and never find it. Being realistic means putting up with peoples vices. Lord knows i have many. Im just wondering if im seeing things clearly. We are both ex heroin addicts so dysfunction can be 'the norm' for us but i want more in my life now. I WANT TO LIVE. I want him to see the beauty in life, in me, and join me in something better than we are now. I guess i can only rouse my own motivation, not his.

[Mr. Nibbles]

Have you tried walking a little bit faster?

[pteromom]

Thanks for your input. I guess some people look for perfection and never find it. Being realistic means putting up with peoples vices. Lord knows i have many. Im just wondering if im seeing things clearly. We are both ex heroin addicts so dysfunction can be 'the norm' for us but i want more in my life now. I WANT TO LIVE. I want him to see the beauty in life, in me, and join me in something better than we are now. I guess i can only rouse my own motivation, not his.

 

You only control yourself, but it is possible that you will inspire him. Start living the life you want, and he'll either follow and your relationship will grow, or he'll fall behind and your relationship will die a natural death.

[Elias33]

You only control yourself, but it is possible that you will inspire him. Start living the life you want, and he'll either follow and your relationship will grow, or he'll fall behind and your relationship will die a natural death.

 

Very well stated. You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. This gives you control. There are obvious signs of disrespect which may indicate trouble below the surface. It's good that you are aware, now you can act on it. Some people live for years like this, and you have a choice now. Good luck.

[bellesstarr]

That is good advice. Ive been wanting to get a job and carve out a life for myself. I had a little epiphany today. Im re evaluating my life and you are right, i should move on

his following me or not should answer my own question. Thank you

[MissBee]

Thanks for your input. I guess some people look for perfection and never find it. Being realistic means putting up with peoples vices. Lord knows i have many. Im just wondering if im seeing things clearly. We are both ex heroin addicts so dysfunction can be 'the norm' for us but i want more in my life now. I WANT TO LIVE. I want him to see the beauty in life, in me, and join me in something better than we are now. I guess i can only rouse my own motivation, not his.

 

There is a vast difference between perfection and being treated poorly and accepting it because you think you can't do better.

 

Being realistic does NOT mean accepting poor treatment and bending over backwards to be with someone who isn't offering anything substantial.

 

Being realistic is often a code word for not knowing your worth or thinking you're not worth being treated well so you must accept scraps because that is "reality"....it isn't.

 

Dysfunction is definitely the norm for you but you're seeing clearly when you see that this treatment and behavior is unacceptable. Time to move on I say. You are not being unrealistic to expect that your bf will make time for you and have something to offer you and not ignore you at dinner...come on.

[Under The Radar]

OP, I'm not a participant in your relationship, and your description of how he treats you is shockingly disheartening. YES, he is being apodictically disrespectful towards you.

 

I'm not even going to try and be diplomatic in my assessment of your boyfriend: He's a real jerk. Yes, you can do so much better than him, and yes, I think you should break up with him.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you are practically in a relationship by yourself.

 

 

There was just a study that said men in love actually change the pace at which they walk to match the women they are with. When DH walks faster than me I call him on & make politically incorrect jokes about the middle east. I will tolerate an important work phone call or text, because sometimes I'm the one on the phone but to surf the web when we're out for a meal, no way. I even get pissy about "checking in".

 

 

You need to sit your DH down & talk about your interactions. You are not being a troublemaker. You are trying to save your marriage but if he doesn't start helping you & participating you may not have much to save.

[Got it]

It sounds like a bully. Relationships are partnerships and about compromises between both parties. Sorry but doesn't sound like he is that interest in trying to make you happy and satisfied in the relationship.

[stillafool]

Dump him! You deserve better. Don't waste your youth on someone who doesn't value you.