How can I make living together after breaking up work?

[guiltyascharged70]

I really need some advice here. I have been in a long term relationship and recently let my girlfriend know that I just wasn't feeling the same feelings as before and was not physically attracted to her any longer. The problem is that I am currently out of work and in a country that I need to live with my partner to keep my residency. While long term this can not be the solution, for now it is the case.

 

I deeply care about her and have tried to rekindle the feelings, but it just doesn't seem to be working. On top of that, I am definitely more aware of attractive women around me and enjoy meeting them and discussing, etc. A couple have gone out with me, but they are younger and not really sure they are going to be anything more than friends.

 

Here is my biggest problem. As we live in the same apartment, I know when she is upset and I see the pain I'm causing her. Consequently, I feel compelled to try to comfort her by giving a hug, holding her hand, and now and then a small kiss or two. She then will respond and it seems to cheer her up.

 

I know in my heart this cannot be good for her in the long term so am I right? How should I act when we are together in the house? We sometimes will go out for dinner, etc. as well. My thought is that my comfort may be useful for the short term, but not fair to her in the long term. Consequently, I'm feeling extremely guilty and even a bit depressed.

 

Is there any way I can make this cohabitation work or do I need to just do whatever I can to get out of the house (it is her place that I moved into)?

 

How would you all handle this situation? Thank you so much for the advice!!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I was in the same situation as you. Dated for 3 years, I moved in and then he broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me. He still cuddled me, kissed me, had sex together, did things together, was affectionate and it was all very confusing to me. I mean, I swear I thought this guy was changing his mind. One night he came into my room and said, "Will you sleep with me tonight?"

 

It was emotionally taxing. And I don't know why he did that. It just confused me and made it hard for me to move on.

 

GROW UP! Stop playing around with her emotions. If you don't want to be with her, stop touching her, stop taking her out to dinner, stop the kissing, holding hands and all that. Treat her like a guy friend. Be cordial and polite, and limit contact as much as possible. Only talk when it has to do with sharing the apartment. Other than that, stop sending mixed signals!!

 

God, I wish my ex didn't do that. It was so selfish. I don't care if you are lonely or feeling guilty, stop leading her on!

 

PS If you really cared about her, you would let her go. Don't be a jerk, but just be respectful of her space and don't cross any romance lines.

[guiltyascharged70]

[quote=GROW UP! Stop playing around with her emotions. If you don't want to be with her, stop touching her, stop taking her out to dinner, stop the kissing, holding hands and all that. Treat her like a guy friend. Be cordial and polite, and limit contact as much as possible. Only talk when it has to do with sharing the apartment. Other than that, stop sending mixed signals!!

 

God, I wish my ex didn't do that. It was so selfish. I don't care if you are lonely or feeling guilty, stop leading her on!

 

PS If you really cared about her, you would let her go. Don't be a jerk, but just be respectful of her space and don't cross any romance lines.

 

Thanks for the input. Let me just clarify a few things. She is the one that approaches me for comfort. What to do in that case, just tell her that I think it be better if we limit contact? By the way, not feeling lonely and there is no sex involved.

 

I also should have added that being unemployed, I would cook dinner, clean up, drive her places, etc. Should I stop doing those things that make her life easier and pretend that she doesn't exist? I'm trying to figure out where to draw the line.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks for the input. Let me just clarify a few things. She is the one that approaches me for comfort. What to do in that case, just tell her that I think it be better if we limit contact? By the way, not feeling lonely and there is no sex involved.

 

I also should have added that being unemployed, I would cook dinner, clean up, drive her places, etc. Should I stop doing those things that make her life easier and pretend that she doesn't exist? I'm trying to figure out where to draw the line.

 

I was also the one to approach him sometimes and he would give in (probably out of guilt). Although he approached me a lot too.

 

Honestly, even though it sounds mean on your apart, it would be best to tell her the truth, something like this, "I'm so sorry you are hurting, but I really think that it would be best if we give each other space as much as possible so you can heal and move on from this. I don't want to lead you on so I can't cuddle or kiss you. I don't feel that way for you."

 

Yes, you should stop doing anything that would lead her on. Cook yourself dinner, not hers. Clean up after you, not her. Can she find another ride? I know it sounds cold and mean, but seriously, when we are heartbroken we take any kind act to heart and see it as you wanting to take us back.

[fixing]

Yeah man. Its her place right? You need to get out of there asap. Like NOW!

 

Thats so sad picturing her deeply distraught and depressed only to perk up when you give her an empty cuddle or a kiss on the cheek.

 

Its not fair mate. Get your ass outa there now. Give her the space she needs to move on. This is tortures on her you still being there.

[CaliBabe]

You need to live with a friend or a family member. It is not her problem that you are unemployed. What you are doing to her is unfair and just selfish which is why you feel so bad.

 

Get out of there asap. This is not good for her at all and in the future she might resent you. If you truly loved and cared for her, you would let her go.

[guiltyascharged70]

I know the best thing to do is to leave. Believe me, it is hard as heck for me to move on too being there. As I mentioned in post, I'm in a country where I am not a citizen and need to cohabit with her for permit reasons. I don't have family here. So for the meantime, where do I draw the line? Should I clear out on weekends? What about having others over... Not women of course!!! My goodness I'm not Satan!