2engjnr2 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Hi, I am new to this and just need a bit of advice on what to do. I am so lost, it is not even funny. I have no idea where to start, so I will begin at the beginning. About 8 years ago I had a relationship with a woman while I was seeing my then to-be wife. It nwas a 2 year long infatuation while I worked away from home. A daughter was born out of this relationship. I love her to bits, she is 7 years old now and is the most beautiful angel on this planet. Obviously my wife when she found out, went off like a bomb. She found out after we got married. She left for more than a month diring which time I kept contact, kept sending her messages, anything just to hear from her or get some reaction, which I didn't. Then one day she started talking again and from there we didn't look back. we have always had a wonderful relationship. At the end of last year I met an ex girlfriend who was going through a tough time, and I consoled her. She held me so tight when I gave her a hug, I wasn't expecting that. She knows I'm married, I thought to myself. Her head was nestled under my armpit and she pulled my head closer as if she wanted to say something, then as I lowered my head to listen, she kissed me. I was caught off guard. We were locke in embrace for a long time until one of my close friends saw this by chance and came over to break it up. I was terribly embarressed but this incident brought back memories of high school 25 years ago and the hot relationship we had. I chatted to her by phone after that and frequently the conversation went to that day, until I realised that I would lose everything I have built up with my wife, whom I loved. Mutually we stopped communicating. My wife one day checked my phone and found one sms where she asked "what about that kis, did it move you?" and I responded "yes, it brought back memories..." She left me again and went to stay with her sister. For 2 months. I tried to explain (obviously how do you explain that away!?) but I was clutching at straws here. She set up ground rules that I would have to agree to before she came back. Most were unreasonable as they had nothing to do with the incident, but I agreed to the mst important: Counselling for the two of us, and therapy for myself. During the previous year I suffered and anxiety attack due to being overwhelmed at work running with 8 current projects and not knowing how to draw them to a close as each had it's own set of setbacks that needed to be ironed out. I was put on anti-depressants. In November I went to see the doctor feel rather ill and he diagnosed me with high blood pressure. In July this year I went to see the therapist (I was severely depressed by this time due to the reality of my wife leaving me) and she said I was not supposed to be depressed while being on anti-depressants. She recomended that I see a psychiatrist who said I was bipolar and put me on more drugs. She met with my wife and explained my conditrion and went through a profile that was exaclt me: Risky behaviour, severe highs followed by crashing lows (to me they luckily lasted a day or two), financial irresponsibility (also not continuously, but I would buy expensive useless things for no reason, had 3 cars that I couldn't possibly drive all at once, bought the same stuff twice over for "just incase", etc) and obviously my wife identified with it. My wife now had a reason for my irresponsible behaviour. She was satisfied. I was confused as I knew I wasn't bipolar. The more I took the pills the more withdrawn I became and the more I spent time in the pub (3 evenings a week having at least 6 beers but up to 12 beers at a time!) I could relate to myself while under the influence and the old me was back. My wife was again unhappy because now I wasn't at home and when I came home from the pub I was drunk. Our relationship once again suffered but by this time all the drugs I was on started taking effect and I started wishing, praying that my wife would leave me while I was still numb inside. It wouldn't hurt all that much. I started a friendship with a 20 year old bar maid. She isn't particularly beautiful, but something about her grabs my attention. I started tipping her lots, chatting about home and finding out she stayed with her brother because her parents both passed away. She was in a relationship with a guy her age. One day while half drunk I confessed to her that I was d=falling in love with her. She explained that she was much younger than I am, and wanted to be in a relationship with someone her own age. I was very embarressed. I appologised and excused myself and went home. My wife was sleeping and I sat at her side looking at her face and noticing the wrinkles around her eyes, and mouth, her facial expression as she slept was almost in a frown and I asked myself what I was doing to this woman? I felt a deep love for her but I was afraid that she would leave so I closed up... In fear of her leaving me and making things worse and worse each day. I still went to the pub, but now much more infrequently. I didn't pay as much attention to the bar maid, still greeted and chatted but only for a few minutes before moving off. I caught her glancing at me a few times. One day my wife came with me to the pub as we just popped in. I immidiately could see the jealousy of the bar maid, her voice tone dropped, she hid her face, it was sureal. I asked her about it later and she denied anything but her friends told me that she had gotten the frieght of her life when my wife came into the pub because she felt so shy. By this point all we had done was talk, even though I confessed my love for her and sshe rejected it. Then one day I went to the pub sporting a new haircut. She asked who cut my hair because it looks wrong. It should have been cut differently. And I needed to shave. I would be with this woman in a heartbeat. Just to be sure of something. My whole life at this point is a mess. I don't have feelings anymore, besides for this woman. It is hard to hide them, and noticing that she has taken an interest in me makes me want to give this chance a go, even if it is a flash in the pan. She is still young and I wouldn't have the energy she needs to express at her age. I have no idea what to do. I am so messed up..
thinkingofhim Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Let your wife go, she has put up with you cheating on her for years! If you don't have feelings for her GET OUT... smh, do you think this poor girl at the bar wants to be the other woman... and you know you will go crawling back to your wife for the THIRD time when she leaves you after she finds out, breaking the other womans heart... 3
SunshineToday Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Please let your wife go. That poor woman! So you have a daughter? Why not focus on her and yourself and not worry about having a relationship for a while. 4
RickFox Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 you're older now, you want validation from a younger female, someone who makes you feel alive . you're not in love, you're in love and yes let your wife go
Cinnimon Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'm not trying to offend you but it seems as though you tend to thrive on any kind of attention from a female?
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I have no idea where to start, so I will begin at the beginning. About 8 years ago I had a relationship with a woman while I was seeing my then to-be wife. It nwas a 2 year long infatuation while I worked away from home. A daughter was born out of this relationship. I love her to bits, she is 7 years old now and is the most beautiful angel on this planet. What about your daughter in all this? Anyway, divorce your wife, she deserves better. I have no idea why your wife keeps giving you chances as it seems obvious that you've learned absolutely nothing along the way and each time she's forgiven you, you've taken advantage of her kindness and heart. Why do you keep letting yourself get close to other women? Fall for women? Why not just focus on your wife, bond with her? There's something very broken inside of you, mental illness or not, you are aware of what you're doing and you're choosing this by drinking and putting yourself in situations that are not good. Fix yourself so you can be a good father to your daughter, someone she can be proud of.
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