Proposed to me and left me for someone else two months later

[Jules21]

Hello everyone,

 

I am going to try to make this story as short and concise as possible, but it’s going to be long.

 

 

My girlfriend (we are both 26) and I were together for 4 years and a half. Everything went perfectly well, no fights, no tensions, great connection, and same ideas about our future together. We lived a great life, travelled, lived abroad twice, and settled in our apartment about 10 months ago. Her dad passed away a year ago from cancer, and her grandma from the same cancer about a month later. After that, she quit school (her school was in another city, an hour away) because she couldn’t be away from her family, from me. She started a new job with a bit of responsibilities, but quit six weeks later. Then she started another new job. She’s always been a little bit like that, unstable I mean. She goes all the way into something new, gets really excited about it, and then gives up. It never worried too much because I thought she was young and was still trying out things to find out what she really wanted. Though, I never thought she would do the same with me…

 

 

We had it all. We had everything we both ever wanted, and especially what she wanted. I took care of pretty much everything, gave her absolutely everything she needed, we were both genuinely happy and very much in love.

 

 

On July 20 of this year, she proposed to me. I know that is unusual, but coming from her, that was a very bold move, full of love. Most beautiful day of my life, everything was perfect. She told me insanely beautiful things, said she could never lose me, that she was happier every day that she lived by my side. I said yes, of course. I was already thinking of proposing to her, so it could not have been a better timing.

 

 

We spent the whole summer partying, telling our friends and family. She was crazy happy. We had booked the place for the wedding, the photograph, etc… and we ended the summer with a one week trip in Greece, which was fantastic as well.

 

 

Here comes the fall. Two months after proposing to me, and just 9 days after we had returned from Greece, she started calling this colleague from work (only found out quite later about that) about three hours a day (she worked from 6 am to 1 pm, and I would get home around 7 pm, so plenty of time to call the guy). The guy is 40 years old and in a relationship. During these 9 days, I was a bit more tired than usual, felt like chilling at home more than doing things all of the time. I needed to rest a bit. And then, on October 10th, after a bit of a discussion during which I told her I felt like whatever I was doing, good or wrong, she was always unhappy about it. I told her I needed her help these days because I was a bit down. And that’s where she snapped. She didn’t get mad or anything, but I could just tell she shut down the blinds, and gave up. The only thing she told me is that she couldn’t take it anymore that I was feeling down and tired (come on, it hadn’t been that long really). I said it was ok, I was gonna get better quickly and I was sorry for asking for her help to get better. The discussion pretty much ended there. During the following three days, I bought her flowers, croissants, made pancakes with her on Sunday morning, showed her that I was doing good and really wanted to spend quality time with her. I also asked her if she wanted to go through therapy, with me or on her own, to fix whatever was going wrong, and mentioned all the things which happened with her dad in the past year, but she refused. On Monday, she said she needed to go to her mom’s place, to cool down a little bit, that she didn’t know where she was at. I told her I was fine with this, if it could help her see things more clearly.

 

 

I gave her space, sent one text message saying I truly loved her, and that whenever she’d be ready, I’d be there to take her hand and walk her on the way of happiness again. She spent the whole week with the other guy. Calling him for hours every night, sending him kinky pictures… We talked over the phone on Friday (it had been only four days since she had left). I did pretty much all the talking. She said she didn’t miss me (obviously, you were screwing that other guy b***), and that she was unhappy, and was getting away from what made her unhappy. Really nice to hear when you know how much you’re doing for her and that she is pretty much doing nothing in return. I told her we couldn’t leave each other like that and that I needed to see her face to face. She agreed but wanted to set the date to a week later.

 

 

Her family and I, all thought she was depressed, and that her dad’s death was hitting her like crazy. We had no idea about the other guy yet. So I kept giving her space to clear out her head. We saw each other one week later. She came in strong, walking tall, like she knew what she was doing. She said she hadn’t changed her mind. I had written two letters and read them to her. In these letters, I told her I was sorry I had a moment during which I was down, and that I’d be strong in the future, that I just thought she could bear with me during this period of time. I also wrote that I was sorry that I had invested myself so much in work (I never came back home after 7 pm though), but that I was doing all of that because I loved her and wanted to give her the best, but that now I needed to focus on the present with her. I asked her why she did not want to keep fighting with me, with someone capable of being invested in the relationship, build for the future, ask himself questions, find solutions, and do all the efforts needed to make it happen and work. I got the shadiest excuses, like “I don’t have the thing anymore, I don’t feel like it anymore”, or “you’ll be a CFO or CEO in a bigger company with more responsibilities in the future” (so what? What does that change to the love we have for each other?).

 

Then I asked her to tell me the truth. She acted like she didn’t know what I meant. Then I started telling her that I knew there was someone else. I kept insisting, she kept telling me “it’s not what you think, we have a strong connection, but that’s all”. Then I started showing her how much I knew, and she told me “what does it change?”. I told her that at least she’d be honest with me, that I didn’t do anything to harm her, and that I deserved the truth. She finally admitted, told me he was 40 years old, in a relationship, that she didn’t want to build anything with him, that she “didn’t want to ask herself questions” (like that’s a smart way to live your life, not ask yourself questions). And you know what I told her? I told her it was ok, that we all mistakes, and that we could not have lived a perfect live without making any mistake. I told her that we would grow stronger from that, and would be even more in love and happier in the future because it would help us realize the worth and quality of what we had. I also told her she was doing the exact same thing her dad did (had everything, left and came back to her mom about six or seven times, died in a really crappy situation). She said she knew, and that she’d probably end up turning 50, screwing junkies and unhappy as hell. And I said no. No you won’t, because just like your mom was your dad’s base, I know I will be your base as well, and when you’ll come back, I won’t make any mistake, and we’ll work so that you don’t make the same mistakes as your dad made over and over again. We’ll work together so that you can appreciate what you have and not let it down at any point. She told me I was really strong, and that she didn’t know where I could find all this strength, and that I was a beautiful person, that she didn’t deserve me….

 

 

Anyways, she left saying she was keeping the keys and leaving some stuff in our apartment because she didn’t have so much room at her mom’s place, that she’d come back for a nap once in a while, or to see our cat. I told her it was our home, and it would always be, and that I’d always be there for her.

 

 

No contact since. She got mad at me because I told her family the truth (reminder: we all thought for two weeks that she was depressed, or even had cancer), that she had the right to her privacy. Then she wrote me for my birthday (November 21st), saying she thought about me, and that she wished me a nice day “despite everything”. I didn’t reply, didn’t know what to say to that.

 

 

Since we had our “final discussion” (on October 25th, six weeks ago pretty much), I have been taking care of myself. Lost weight, been busy pretty much every night, seeing a hell lot of friends, travelled to different countries every weekend, lots of parties, bought a new car, made plans for other trips… and really stayed in NC. Whenever I gotta talk to mutual friends or her family, I just say that I am doing good, very busy. But really, I’m not doing that good. I still wonder how she could trade her “perfect life” (she’d even describe it like that) with a future, everything she wanted, for the shi**y life that she’s living today, with some douche bag who is still in a relationship and with whom she can have no future at all. That kills me. I even found a note book about ten days ago. I had seen it in her purse before, but she hid it quickly. In there she wrote everything she loved about me, one idea per page. I fell to the floor when I read it. It was beautiful, passionate, full of love, and showed how much I took good care of her. I kept and still keep wondering how she could forget all of that, knowing she had written it days, weeks at the most (she started it after she asked me to marry her) before leaving me for d-bag man.

 

 

This all looks like GIGS to me. From what I have been reading, all symptoms seem to be there. Bigger commitment coming (the wedding), had 80% to 90% (I’d go with even more than that) of what she ever wanted, but the 10% she didn’t have looked shinier and everything she had looked like crap. She said to her family that she wanted to “take advantage of life”, travel, but really she is doing none of that. I know she spends all of her time with the other guy, or waiting for him, and that she doesn’t see friends (she doesn’t have many friends at all), or does anything. During weekends, she doesn’t see the other guy, probably because he sees his “official” girlfriend, so she just stays home and does nothing.

 

 

Ten days ago, when I was in Barcelona, she showed up at my mom’s house. My mom wasn’t there, but my sister was there. She told my sister (she knows we don’t get along), that she wanted to see my mom and that she’d call her back. This is heavily disturbing. If we broke up in good terms, I could understand that she’d still want to see my mom sometimes. But she knows my mom knows everything about my life. How could you show up in front of your ex’s mom, knowing she sees her son suffering, and think you’ll be offered a coffee and talk about the weather? We still think she was lost and really had something to tell my mom because she didn’t have any news from me. My mom texted her to say that she heard she came by and wanted to see her, and that she was around if she needed. Never got any reply since.

 

 

I’ll stop here, because this is nasty long, but I’d really like to have your opinions on what could be going on and what is the best way to go with this.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Jules21

[feelingtorn]

I am so sorry. It is terrible. What disturbed me about her was that she failed to support you when you needed most. I know how it must have felt. When my best friend died, I kinda lost myself for a while, and my ex got super impatient and unsupportive. He even said "everybody dies at some point, you know." I responded that we were in our late 30s and it was not normal to lose a friend to cancer." She should have been there for you. It would have been a good test run for your future marriage, and she failed.

 

She failed it miserably by also engaging herself with another man who is in relationship. And, she wanted to see your mother. She has no boundaries. That's also another big flaw I see in her. You cannot possibly reason with her no matter how many heartfelt letters you write to her. She will never understand you and feel remorse for her action because she has no boundaries and is not wired as you are. Again, I also had a similar exp with my ex.

 

It sounds like you are a young man with a bright future. Let her go. Move on with your life. Be happy. Wish you all the best.

[PegNosePete]

Oh man. Sorry for your situation. It's pretty terrible to be treated that way, I know.

 

But you have to learn from this. What happened? Why did she do it? Because you were so weak throughout the entire relationship. You gave her everything she ever wanted. You forgave her when she did the slightest thing wrong and even took the blame onto yourself. You virtually had to grovel apologies for asking for her help in your tough time - WTF dude! She should have been there to support you, yet you come off as the one in the wrong. Have you ever seen the movie Bedazzled, when he wishes to be the most sensitive guy in the world, and she goes off with some jocks who kick sand in his face? Well, that's exactly what happened, you gave her everything she ever wanted and she went off with the "bad boy" who treats her like crap. Dude it's a movie cliche. Don't be that guy.

 

So now, you really need to learn from this. She has shown you that she doesn't care less about your feelings. If she still has your keys then change the locks, you really don't need to come home from work one day and find her sitting on your sofa. If you still have some of her stuff then give her a choice of 3 days (in the next week) to collect it, or to suggest an alternative. Then go total NC with her. There's nothing to say to her ever again. Tell your family that you want nothing to do with her ever again and ask that they assist you by not talking to her either.

[Jules21]

Thank you for your reply and you support feelingtorn.

 

"everybody dies at some point, you know."

That's just.... it leaves me speechless, what a dumb and irresponsible thing to say. I can't imagine how someone can feel when hearing some BS like that.

 

She should have been there for you. It would have been a good test run for your future marriage, and she failed.

That's what I tell myself. She left me the only time in over four years when I asked for her help. What does that tell me? I can't rely on her.

 

We were about to say "Yes" to each other, for better or worse, but apparently for her, it was just for better... I could never ever have imagined that from her.

 

Today I'm really disapointed and sad. She's a totally different person and she ruined everything by being irresponsible, immature, and selfish. Definitely not how mariage works.

 

She has no boundaries.

I am not so sure. She had great respect for my mom and they had a great bond. My mom offered her help to talk to her at the begining (when we all thought she was depressed), but she refused. She probably felt like she could not talk to my mom knowing that nothing was wrong, besides her need to be looked through the eyes of another man (and more...). My mom kept writting very nice text messages to her (like "enjoy this sunny day" and stuff like that), but she never replied. And then, all of a sudden, after three months of no contact with my mom, she appears from nowhere. We still believe she had something really important to tell my mom (or wanted to see if an attempt to come back to me was possible since she hadn't heard from me at all). We cannot know. She never went back (it's only been 10 days though), and never replied to my mom's last text message. She'll probably come back from nowhere, just like that.

 

I love her, unconditionally, truly, faithfully, but I also keep telling my self that if she ever comes back, she must really show (and not just talk) that all she wants in her life is to be with me and fight with me because nothing comes free. I really miss her, and I wish she could wake up and realize all of this very quickly, but as long as she's not banging on my door, I don't think there is any need to analyze, anticipate, or hope anything.

 

@PegNosePete: yes, I definitely remember that scene from Bedazzled. I wasn't that cheesy though ;-) but I definitely see the comparison. I'm going through NC all the way. Haven't had any single contact with her for a month, I'm never home, always at friends' places or out, or travelling, so this is why I do not worry too much about the keys for now. She can sit in that sofa, she won't see me coming there before quite a while, but I'll definitely tell her to grab all of her stuff when I'll feel like I can sit down in my house and want nothing that can remind me of her around.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Jules21

[fixing]

Sorry to hear about this bro. I disagree with the other poster in saying you are weak for, basically being a top guy! This girl doesnt/cant even comprehend what she has just thrown away!

Dont EVER change the way you are with your future girlfriends/wife.

 

You got burned by a complete selfish bitch who dropped you for a man nearly twice her age. Plus, she is ****ing knowingly cheating with this scumbag too!

 

Do you really want this woman back???

 

She has just thrown you in the garbage mate. She has trampled on your heart and couldnt give a **** how you feel.

 

You sound like a really successful young man. Im glad your bettering yourself to. But remember, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Its all hers.

 

Stick to no contact. Never let her back into your life. Respect your self and only give your time and energy to people who treat you right.

 

Block her on facebook, twitter, everywhere and never look back.

 

One day, she will see the error of her ways, but by then, it will be to late.

[Purepony]

Listen to everyone on here stay awatly go no contact blocker don't answer her calls and forget about her!

 

It sounds like you're doing well financially which is good because going through a breakup when you are broke is the worst thing for anyone. Trust me I know it helps

 

Anyway get going and forget about her

[CaliBabe]

Wow, you sound like an amazing man. What all the women here are looking for. Don't change a thing. If this is who you are, if you treat your women like gold, don't take that away from the next woman you are with.

 

I would go NC and let your ex live with this decision because I can promise you one day, she will wake up and realize what a horrible mistake she has made. But at that point, I hope you respect yourself enough to never take her back after she treated you like garbage.

 

Find a woman who will cherish you, treat you like gold and won't run out on you. Trust me, they are there waiting for you to find them. Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on you, travel, better yourself.

 

The biggest lesson you can teach your ex is:

"don't leave something good to find something better, once you realized you had the best, the best has found better".

 

Do yourself a favor and don't let her hear the sound of your voice again.

[Jules21]

First of all, thank you very much everyone for your replies and support.

 

I guess the hardest part is telling myself she reasonably is not the right one despite everything we have lived together, despite our very strong bond, the fact that we could think about the same thing at the same time, despite the fact that she told me even a few days/weeks before leaving: "I can't wait to grow old with you", or "I can't wait that we have our child, because you'll be the best dad ever"... that is not just some random statements that you throw away like that.

 

I am still in the grieving/denial process, and I can't help but think/hope that she'll wake up within the next few days weeks, but my brain also tells me not to rely on that and be reasonable.

 

I think I've done it all anyways, and there is not much more I can do. I'll stay in NC and keep taking care of myself. I'll let you know how that goes.

[Jules21]

Well of course, there are always two sides to a story, but I tried to stay as neutral and genuine as possible. I don't think the details are not important though.

 

There must have been weaknesses on my side, of course. I had tinitus, which is very annoying, and I know it made me tired and a bit crankier than usual, but it is hard for me to understand how a weak streak could outweigh all these years during which I have been nearly irreproachable, and all of our plans for the future.

 

Talking about signs, there were signs, but the opposite of what you think. Everything that would lead to think and believe she was madly in love with me, things she wrote, said, within days, weeks, months before leaving. Everyone around us was absolutely shocked when they got the news. Her family was devastated, so was mine. It is not like you could see it coming, everything was going perfectly well and we were "the perfect couple" (even if there is no such thing, more of a way to speak) in the eyes of our friends and family.

 

What really lingers on me today is the things she said when leaving: "There is still a part of me which wants to marry you", "If I make a mistake, I'll come back". Plus, she never said that she did not love me anymore, and I gave her many occasions to do so.

 

Anyways, I can't get over it, maybe I also do not want to, but my feelings keep being all messed up, and I truly miss her, the "her" that I knew at least because she's not that one anymore.

 

No contact is killing me. Next Friday, will be her dad's death anniversary. I will send her a text on that day, probably a mistake, but not doing it would kill me even more.

[lovebirds]

I feel you, I'm in more or less the same situation. Your words inspire me to be stronger, you seem to be coping relatively well.

[Jules21]

I'm with you in my thoughts through this rough time then, lovebirds.

 

I only "seem" to be coping well. What I really did is just stepping back, from the first minute I saw things went wrong, analyzing the situation, questioning myself on what I did wrong, apologized for any behavior which could have hurt her, and tried to understand things through her eyes.

 

But really, I'm not coping well at all. I'm crushed. I had dedicated my life to her and us, never did or thought about anything without including her in the process. Seeing things fall apart in a heartbeat like that is unbelievably hard to cope with, but I guess you know that.

[lovebirds]

I know. It is awful. I am still holding on so tight to the hope I have left in my heart for him to come back to me. I feel angry because I cannot do anything to change the situation. At some times my heart tells me to call him, try reason, ... but I know it won't work. If things will work out, I need to leave him alone now. It really hurts to see or hear from him.

 

I'm trying to move on, do things I like, reach goals, plan outdoor trips, get fit and work on some underlying issues I have. I might even go see a therapist if I can fit it into my budget. I am trying to let go in the hopes that he will come back to me. Maybe after a couple of months I will be able to let go of that hope as well.

 

What helps me in my difficult moments is calling a good friend. I let everything out, say all the things I would say to him to her instead. She listens, calms me down, gives me sound advice...

[Jules21]

I was doing quite better till today, I fell apart, once more. Here's why.

 

On Saturday, I saw she "liked" the page of a dating website on facebook (that evil thing). I was like "girl, you fell so low, I feel pitty for you, you had everything and you left it to wander around on a dating website, what a terrible life you have". From that moment, I didn't even want to know what she was doing anymore, didn't want to know what she was thinking, how were things going... I felt like I was in control, and that she was nothing like the person I spent these last four years with. She's the total opposite and doing things I'd never have been able to think she could be capable of.

 

And today, I happened to find myself on her Pinterest board. I saw she removed the folder "Wedding inspirations" (bang, reality check), and created a "Moving in" folder about two weeks ago (same weekend she visited my mom). In there, there is a picture of a sentence which says "In this house we are real, we make mistakes, we say I'm sorry, we give second chances, we forgive, we love.... and so on". I thought to myself "this cannot be meant for anyone but me, it doesn't apply to her new relationship, and it is everything I want to hear from her, she's coming back" (yes, crazy I know). Then in the same folder, another picture of a sentence: "Like a river flows so surely to the sea darling so it goes some things are meant to be" with her comment "Can't help falling in love with you".... ouch, that one I thought was not mean for me at all, and I started thinking she was gonna move in with the other guy, but many things don't really add up...

 

Anyways, I keep trying interpreting things that can have a thousand different meanings and I keep hurting myself for someone who's treating me like sh*t after everything I've done for her. Asking me to marry her 4 months ago, moving in with a 40 years old cheating douche bag 4 months later.... definitely not the person anymore who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My life really sucks these days, I can't handle that emotionnal roller coaster anymore, so when I'm about to crack down, I write here.

[Jules21]

Hello everyone. Happy new year, may it bring you everything you deserve.

 

Long story short, things are moving. Two text messages in two days. First text, meaningless things about her "stuff" and her sister's stuffs which are at our place. She has the keys and her text did not make any sense. I saw clear through it, it was just an attempt at re establishing communication. I replied very quickly, just a few words like "You got the keys, you can do that whenever you want".

 

Second text message on the next morning to wish me a happy new year and that she wished 2014 would bring me what I needed. Replied very concisely "Don't you already know what I need?". Seriously, coming from her, it meant nothing to me, kinda hypocrite. She didn't take it too well.

 

Then I decided to let it flow. Started telling her that she is the one I needed, well the old version of her, the one who said all these beautiful things, the one who had so many dreams and projects with me, the one who wouldn't fall for some random jerk telling her how much life would be so much better with him.

 

She replied the next morning saying she knew she destroyed me, had done the worst thing she could ever do to me but hope I would one day cease to hold it against her. And that's when I let it all go. Told her I didn't hold anything against her, even though I had tried, that she disappointed me so much. Reminded all the things she loved and seems to have forgotten in a heart beat, what she was, what I did for her, told her I had changed so much that I could have made her fall in love with me in a second, that I was going out a lot and got lots of numbers from girls but that it didn't mean anything to me because none would be like her (probably a mistake, but well felt like it). I ended asking her if she really thought the other guy would do all the things I kept on doing for her after four years and a half.

 

Her reply to that big declaration of love was just ridiculous. She didn't answer any of the things I said (way to dodge the real stuff), just that she was happy that I was talking to her again (there we go! she can't handle NC). Asked her if it would make her happy that I talk more with her and not behind a screen. She said she'd always be there to talk and that she wanted me to know that. We are going to see each other on Wednesday evenning.

 

What are your thoughts on that? Is she opening the door or just keeping me there to be sure she's not losing me? Trying to know what's behind all that change just outta curiosity? How should I approach this "date" with her knowing that we haven't seen each other in over two months and barely talked meanwhile?

[eachcomingnight]

Hi Jules, sorry that you are hurting.

She may be wondering about you and even missing you, but that does not mean that she wants you back. Notice that as soon as you really put yourself out there and made yourself available that she "pulled back." She found out that you are still there for her and she got a dose of affection from you, but she did not ask for you back or suggest that she regrets her decision. She may be trying to alleviate her guilt or simply just looking to feel positively about herself for a short while.

 

Unfortunately, reminding her of all the great things about your relationship will not make her feelings return. She hasn't forgotten what has happened in the past, but it is in the past, and she has changed into a different person with different feelings and priorities. Sure, there's always a chance that she may come back some day, but even if that is the case and you have any hope of re-establishing a relationship that will actually "stick", now is not the time to do that. Whatever issues she has - even if they are totally just in her brain and not about you or the quality of your relationship - will surface again and she will repeat the same pattern. Not to mention, she'll have learned that you will allow her to act in ways that show absolutely no respect or care for you. You cannot just pick up again where you left off and hope it will somehow end up differently next time. Your only hope at all is to continue living your life to the best of your ability and giving yourself time and space to move on from the relationship.

 

I (and most likely all of LS) would advise against meeting up with her so soon. It seems like you are looking for signs of hope in your conversations with her (i.e. saying she can't handle no contact). Again, missing you, wanting to talk to you, etc. are NOT signs of her changing her mind. Even if you tell yourself it's just a catch-up chat, so soon after the break-up you will have ulterior motives and I can almost guarantee that you will feel devastated when she does not share your feelings of regret about your break-up or ask for another chance.

 

I too was dumped after a wonderful relationship. I felt there was nothing more I could have done to treat him right, either. Four years is a long time and you may have a long road ahead of you, but the sooner you get focused on helping yourself and moving forward, the quicker you will begin to feel better and realized that in all likelihood you dodged a bullet here.

Edited January 3, 2014 by eachcomingnight

[Sugarkane]

I'm always confused why these people throw away a good person and relationship, for someone else who is married/ taken?!

[BC1980]

All of her language suggests that she is moving on but wants forgiveness from you. It's selfish really. I know you can't see that right now, but, once you are out of the denial phase, it will be clear. She has no desire to reconcile and is probably wanting friendship to clear her conscience. The friendship will come at your expense sadly. I'm sorry, and I do understand your pain. I too held out hope, but the truth is the truth I'm afraid. Some people are really good at projecting that they want a future with you, and it might take you longer to recover because of that.

[Jules21]

Well thank you all for your replies and thoughts.

 

Eachcomingnight, I know you're speaking the truth all the way. Clearly, as soon as I put myself out there she pulled back, that's right. Like you're saying, there is no sign that she wants to change her mind, probably just wants attention or is missing me.

 

And BC1980, I don't know if she's really moving on. I think she's trying to convince herself so, and also that she has no love for me anymore. It's like all this is a game for her, she wants to test herself when being in front of me. She said something like that when she left to her mom's place at the beginning, she said she wanted to see if she missed me. Well she spent the whole week with the other guy, so yes, she didn't miss me at all....

 

I know it's too soon to meet up with her, but I wanna be selfish for once and not let her be the selfish one all the time. If really she's trying to convince herself that she's moving on, I think finding herself in front of me will not help her doing that at all, and to be honest with you, a part of me don't want to let her move one, that'd be too easy for her, this whole thing would have been too easy.

 

I still got time to make up my mind about meeting up with her, but if I end up doing it, I will try to get these apologies and confront her really about the thing she's done and said.

[fixing]

Its a very bad idea man. Dont go and meet her. She dropped you for some other assshole. You will be the punchline to their big joke.

 

Seriously, the best thing you can do is be the bigger man and walk away.

 

She will see the error of her ways when this fling falls through, and when she does, you will have moved on.

 

No contact.

[BC1980]

From experience, I suggest that you put no more energy into her. Focus on you only. It's hard because you are so used to being part of a team and making joint decisions. It's really hard to detach from someone, but you are only making it worse and prolonging the inevitable by communicating with her. You're doing all the things I did and worrying about all the same things I did. I wish I could show you what a waste it is and how futile it is, but it's just so hard to see that after a LTR.

 

You still think of her as the old her, but that's over. I used to think my ex would never do this to me, he would come to his senses, ect. I was operating outside of reality and as if the old him were still there. It's difficult to understand or believe it I know. A month before I was dumped, my ex was making a lot of noise about needing to go ahead and get married. Then, he does a 180. I think it takes longer to let go of a relationship where a lot of that is going on because you stay in some denial along the way.

[eachcomingnight]

Well thank you all for your replies and thoughts.

 

Eachcomingnight, I know you're speaking the truth all the way. Clearly, as soon as I put myself out there she pulled back, that's right. Like you're saying, there is no sign that she wants to change her mind, probably just wants attention or is missing me.

 

And BC1980, I don't know if she's really moving on. I think she's trying to convince herself so, and also that she has no love for me anymore. It's like all this is a game for her, she wants to test herself when being in front of me. She said something like that when she left to her mom's place at the beginning, she said she wanted to see if she missed me. Well she spent the whole week with the other guy, so yes, she didn't miss me at all....

 

I know it's too soon to meet up with her, but I wanna be selfish for once and not let her be the selfish one all the time. If really she's trying to convince herself that she's moving on, I think finding herself in front of me will not help her doing that at all, and to be honest with you, a part of me don't want to let her move one, that'd be too easy for her, this whole thing would have been too easy.

 

I still got time to make up my mind about meeting up with her, but if I end up doing it, I will try to get these apologies and confront her really about the thing she's done and said.

 

Putting yourself in a situation where you are likely to feel far more hurt than she does doesn't seem selfish to me! Even if you manage to get apologies out of her, where will that get you? Again, you will be showing her that you're continuing to focus on HER rather than yourself. Again, she will get that attention that she is seeking, and you will leave with a few hollow words from her, if anything. If you really want to take charge and focus on yourself, forget about meeting up or even communicating with her right now. Want to make sure it's not "easy" for her? Then cut her off from you and make her see what it's really like to give up such a wonderful man. Right now you are helping to make it easy for her by continuing to give her your attention and affection!

[Jules21]

I know all of you are right and it kills me.

 

I have done so much already for her, for this relationship, everybody would agree that I couldn't have done, or couldn't do more.

 

But that's where I'm stubborn. I feel like I haven't done anything to get her back. Why should I would you tell me? I just feel like I have so much more to tell her, to show her who she was, what she wanted (I know that's the old her, and that's gone). I also know that she wrote down in her diary that I was the only one capable of making her come back to her senses, and I want to do that.

 

I know it's silly, not worth it, and that even if it worked and brought her back, I would probably regret it, but moving on, going silent, I don't know, it doesn't sound right to me sometimes because I usually fix things in life by talking and working on it not fleeing.

[Erlaad]

I know all of you are right and it kills me.

 

I have done so much already for her, for this relationship, everybody would agree that I couldn't have done, or couldn't do more.

 

But that's where I'm stubborn. I feel like I haven't done anything to get her back. Why should I would you tell me? I just feel like I have so much more to tell her, to show her who she was, what she wanted (I know that's the old her, and that's gone). I also know that she wrote down in her diary that I was the only one capable of making her come back to her senses, and I want to do that.

 

I know it's silly, not worth it, and that even if it worked and brought her back, I would probably regret it, but moving on, going silent, I don't know, it doesn't sound right to me sometimes because I usually fix things in life by talking and working on it not fleeing.

 

There is one positive thing in your idea: should you meet her so soon, it might give you what you need to kick her out for good.

I had a similar experience right before Christmas: I travelled 1.500 km to meet my ex (LDR as you might guess ). I thought I was going to meet her family (we are still on very good terms) but to be sincere part of me wanted to see if there was a chance for us.

Needless to say, there isn't. But nevertheless I do not regret going there. I've seen what she has become: somewhat of a clown, selfish and childish. The girl who I thought would be my life-long companion can now only think about flirting with Spanish guys and partying around. I have seen her immature side that I never wanted to see, and it gave me the closure I would never be able to get from her.

 

Mind you, I'm not saying that meeting her is a smart idea. You WILL be hurt. A lot. It WILL set you back. But it might be just the last bit of pain and reality you need to let go.

 

Big hugs, and hope things turn out for the best.

 

- Erl

Edited January 3, 2014 by Erlaad

[fixing]

Trouble is, with this so called 'fighting' for her, its a one sided fight, that your having with yourself. If she wanted to be with you, she most certainly wouldnt have left you for another man.

 

At best, you will be her second choice, her fall back guy.

 

Anyways, it sounds like your mind is made up tbh, you will do what you want im sure, i just hope you listen to our advice here and save your pride and dignity, because im 100% your just going to torture yourself even more by contacting her.

[Sidz]

Holy ****, what a horrible affront to earnestness.

 

I doubt I have any good advice, as I've never observed the emotions and urges in myself that result in these circumstances, having never experienced them. You seem like a very earnest person and so it's natural and admirable you would want to win her back at all costs and hazards despite the conventional wisdom that if you try, you run a high risk of further emasculating yourself and causing yourself more grief. That's not fair.

 

I believe that this was a surprise to you and your families. It's very odd that it would be sudden, however; I'm suspicious that this was a behind-the-scenes, long-term thing for her that she was unfaithful and possibly two-minded and vacillating about it and other things, which could possibly be why she didn't want to think about it anymore and just do stuff.

 

My cousin had a relationship during college and everyone was rooting for it. It looked like a superstar relationship; like they had a oneness of purpose and equal affection for each other. Then he broke up with her and she was destroyed. Years later, after she had gotten married to another man, he stopped by and explained that he just wanted to try a lifestyle that allowed for experimenting with drugs and having sex with as many women as possible. He just wanted to explain what happened.

 

The thing is we can't know what the hell happened with her so the reasonable advice to give would be, like others have said, to create a lot of distance and procure space for yourself to grow and heal and gain clarity. The good news is you are 26 and seem to have been met with some considerable success.

 

I'm rooting for you very much. I admire earnestness in people and hate to see it diminished from inanity and crap. Stay awesome and earnest.

Edited January 4, 2014 by Sidz