Did he throw a temper tantrum or was I in the wrong?

[confusedcookie]

So I've been in a long distance relationship for about a year now. We see each other about three times a year. Just recently, we saw each other, my bf was eating a McDonald's meal with bare hands(normal). After he finished, he was ready to go but I pointed that the washroom was just behind us and if he could go wash his hands first (fingertips glistening with grease).

 

He said no. I said, "pretty please"? He said no more firmly. Which then things felt sour. I said, baby, your hands are very greasy, would you please wash your hands?

 

He then stuck all ten fingers into his mouth and then licked them all and said that scientifically, saliva breaks down grease and that he's all clean.

 

I did something which I apologized for afterwards bc he said it was blackmailing him. I said that he could go without me then bc I didn't want to stand beside someone with disgusting fingers. He took it as blackmail bc I said I wasn't going to leave unless he washed his fingers.

 

This went on for like 5 more minutes (him not understanding why I was making him do something he didnt want to do and not respecting his decision) and me stating that I didn't want his greasy fingers next to me and I didn't want to be beside someone who just put all ten fingers in their mouth.

 

It's the most retarded fight but it led into a full blown one before him swearing and "that I was behaving very f***ing badly" and then he went to wash his hands and we left.

 

But to me, this is rather weird situation... Was I wrong to impose the hand washing thing? It's long distance so I don't know if this signals other more random scenarios... Thoughts on how to approach this?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you were in the wrong. You aren't his mama. He's a grown man and can decide when to wash his hands. And telling him you don't want to stand beside someone with disgusting fingers? Come on, now. Incredibly juvenile on your part. I'd be pissed at you too.

[ThatMan]

I did something which I apologized for afterwards bc he said it was blackmailing him. I said that he could go without me then bc I didn't want to stand beside someone with disgusting fingers. He took it as blackmail bc I said I wasn't going to leave unless he washed his fingers.

 

Did you try to control him in any way? Think on it.

It seems to me that you felt grossed out and didn't want to leave with him. That isn't blackmail by any stretch of the imagination.

Look at these two phrases below -

 

Healthy boundary:

"I feel uncomfortable being around greasy and disgusting fingers. If do not clean yourself up I will remain here."

 

Controlling behaviors:

"You have disgusting fingers. Go clean yourself up."

 

Healthy boundaries are what people should aim for in order to foster a healthy relationship. You seem to already have reasonable boundaries. Saying what you have does not mean you controlled him, nor does it mean you somehow treated him poorly. Saying what you have simply means you are looking after yourself. Nothing more and nothing less. Next time be stronger in your convictions and do not apologize for respecting yourself. Never allow anyone, even the person you love, to talk you out self-consideration.

[ChessPieceFace]

You were both wrong. You were controlling about it. He was gross and insulting about it. You were both intransigent.

 

Sorry to say, and maybe I'm extrapolating too far, but I don't see a guy like this being the type of guy who's ok with seeing his woman 3 times a year. I mean really?

 

Sounds like you'd both be better off moving on and finding people more compatible with you who actually live near you.

[ThatMan]

OP, you were in the wrong. You aren't his mama. He's a grown man and can decide when to wash his hands. And telling him you don't want to stand beside someone with disgusting fingers? Come on, now. Incredibly juvenile on your part. I'd be pissed at you too.

Are you serious?

I hope for your sake that you aren't. There's a huge difference between being a nagging mother opposed to a reasonable human being. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Yeah. No. Your being a slob and I don't want anything to do with it right now."

[confusedcookie]

Thanks for your honesty.

 

But now, don't you find it gross though? I mean what about respect for the others around you? I don't want to be holding hands or touching what he's touched. So what if we lived together and he didn't shower for three days and refused to but I have to share a bed with him?

 

I'm trying to be a more considerate Gf so I'm just seeing when it's acceptable to ask and when not to.

[confusedcookie]

To add, if I told him I was uncomfortable with greasy fingers he would go, I don't care. They're my fingers, not yours". Then he further explains that saliva breaks down oil and that I should be more worried about the things I touch in the train. He's all about science and logic...

[ThatMan]

Thanks for your honesty.

 

But now, don't you find it gross though? I mean what about respect for the others around you? I don't want to be holding hands or touching what he's touched. So what if we lived together and he didn't shower for three days and refused to but I have to share a bed with him?

 

I'm trying to be a more considerate Gf so I'm just seeing when it's acceptable to ask and when not to.

 

Then stand your ground in what's best for you. Continue with this very same line of thought, "I know that we don't meet too often. I'm excited to continue our day when you're ready." You don't have to read lines but the very small act of acknowledging the man will be a first positive step.

[Graduate]

I don't necessarily think either of you was wrong (which is probably the best outlook to solve a fight like this anyway) but I think you are ... different. He does not mind walking around with greasy fingers, you find it disgusting. Neither of you is 'wrong' you just have different views on what is gross behaviour.

 

One comment though, did you really say you did not want to 'stand next to someone with greasy fingers'? Because that is a bit offensive. I have to stand next to all kinds of gross people all the time (on the street, on the train, in a shop, etc.) without me telling them to go wash their hands. I understand how he could be hurt or offended if you say that to him. It might have been better to say something like: 'I don't feel comfortable holding your hands if they are greasy, and you know how much I love holding your hands'. But that is hindsight.

[confident]

This went on for like 5 more minutes (him not understanding why I was making him do something he didnt want to do and not respecting his decision) and me stating that I didn't want his greasy fingers next to me and I didn't want to be beside someone who just put all ten fingers in their mouth.

 

It's the most retarded fight but it led into a full blown one before him swearing and "that I was behaving very f***ing badly" and then he went to wash his hands and we left.

 

But to me, this is rather weird situation... Was I wrong to impose the hand washing thing? It's long distance so I don't know if this signals other more random scenarios... Thoughts on how to approach this?

 

In a nutshell, you challenged his adult ego. And you were not wrong, maybe the words or tone were harsh. Different people have different preferences. I would say he is not the right guy you. Do not blame yourself.

[Zahara]

In the grand scheme of things, you guys only get to see each other three times a year. I'd surely pick my battles and wouldn't let a bit of Mickey Dee's grease bother me. Maybe I'm just an old lady that's too tired to fight about little things . I would have just handed him a napkin to wipe his fingers. Fingers I am sure have been in lots of places, so a little grease wouldn't be an issue for me. That's just me. Not showering for three days is apples and oranges. That's an unreasonable level of bad hygiene.

 

But I will say that he probably got defensive because you did sound like his mother. Sometimes the way you present your words makes a difference in how someone reacts. I remember when I was married, I used to sometimes ask my husband if he washed his hands before dinner. One day he said, "Please stop being my mother. It turns me off." I didn't even know that all those years it was bothering him. Maybe some people don't like being told what to do, or they just don't like the way that they are being told what to do.

[Janesays]

It's incredibly rude for you to order (or even ask) an adult man to wash his hands. The ONLY people you EVER get to tell to wash thier hands are your children. Period.

 

If his hygiene is an issue for you, you break up with him. You DO not insult him by treating him like a child.

[tlegend]

It's incredibly rude for you to order (or even ask) an adult man to wash his hands. The ONLY people you EVER get to tell to wash thier hands are your children. Period.

 

If his hygiene is an issue for you, you break up with him. You DO not insult him by treating him like a child.

 

Exactly.

 

I would like this twice if I could.

 

Although I wouldn't have let this develop into a full-blown fight, you are not his mother. You don't get to tell him what to do, you get to suggest.

 

If you are too much of a control freak to even be near a guy who didn't wash his hands of McDonald's grease, then maybe you need to re-evaluate what is important to you in a relationship.

[veggirl]

I don't know anyone who races to wash their hands after eating.

 

Nor do I know anyone whose hands are dripping with grease just from a burger, I mean really? They were THAT greasy? lol come on.

 

Typically a napkin will suffice, you could have just handed him one when you wiped your own hands.

 

Once he said no you should have dropped it, you treated him like a baby and you insulted him continuing to harp on the dang handwashing.

Edited December 10, 2013 by veggirl

[Keenly]

Two things.

 

1 . You have a problem " standing next to some one with greasy fingers " which is ridiculous and I have no other response other than get over yourself.

 

 

2. You see this man three times a year and you started an argument over him not washing his hands AFTER a meal. Then you got mad when he wouldnt conform the way YOU wanted him to behave.

 

 

 

 

 

This is one of the most ridiculous situations I've ever heard of.

[confusedcookie]

Okay fair enough no one wants their Gf to be their mother.

 

About the point that this isn't something I should point out bc it's long distance- I think it's worse if I don't say anything and should we then try to live in the same city, then I mention it... "You were fine with it before"...

 

Another thing is, it's not a little grease, I'm talking about KFC chicken grease. So if we aren't "compatible" and I should break up with him, isn't that even more ridiculous? I broke up with him bc he wouldn't wash his hands...

 

Isn't a relationship trying to figure out each others quirks and to like see how you two can work amongst them?

 

So I can't ever request things? Like please take the garbage out or please do the dishes or please buy the milk. So if he says no. That's it? I just break up with him or I do it myself? There's no middle ground of understanding why he won't do it and why I made that request...

 

I get what the other posters are saying that it's his life and I shouldn't impose... (Not a control freak, i promise) But surely there's more of a middle ground then breaking up and while I should have toned down my words... The fact still stands... His fingers were soooo oily!!! So I guess I just either have to find a less dirty boy or to learn to live with grease and saliva?

[Janesays]

You absolutely can ask him politely to help with household chores.

 

You absolutely CAN NOT correct his manners. That is his Mother's job. No one else's.

 

Pick up ANY book on etiquette and every single one will agree that correcting someone else's manners is the RUDEST thing a person can do, etiquette wise. If he let out the rudest burp or fart out after that meal, it would have been EVEN RUDER for you to comment or critisize him for it. As I said before, if his manners or hygiene aren't up to your standards, you break up with him and find someone who is. But it is incredibly self serving and rude to date a man and expect to mold him into something he is not.

 

Can you live with a man with greasy fingers? No? Then leave. He has been raised already by his Mother. Not your job to pull a re-do.

 

Listen, I wouldn't even be friends with someone who corrected my manners (IN PUBLIC, no less!), let alone date them. If you harp on things like this, HE might just send YOU your walking papers. How you behaved was degrading, emasculating, disrespectful, and in VERY poor taste. All sins that are far worse than having dirty hands.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I've been in a long distance relationship for about a year now. We see each other about three times a year. Just recently, we saw each other, my bf was eating a McDonald's meal with bare hands(normal). After he finished, he was ready to go but I pointed that the washroom was just behind us and if he could go wash his hands first (fingertips glistening with grease).

 

He said no. I said, "pretty please"? He said no more firmly. Which then things felt sour. I said, baby, your hands are very greasy, would you please wash your hands?

 

He then stuck all ten fingers into his mouth and then licked them all and said that scientifically, saliva breaks down grease and that he's all clean.

 

I did something which I apologized for afterwards bc he said it was blackmailing him. I said that he could go without me then bc I didn't want to stand beside someone with disgusting fingers. He took it as blackmail bc I said I wasn't going to leave unless he washed his fingers.

 

This went on for like 5 more minutes (him not understanding why I was making him do something he didnt want to do and not respecting his decision) and me stating that I didn't want his greasy fingers next to me and I didn't want to be beside someone who just put all ten fingers in their mouth.

 

It's the most retarded fight but it led into a full blown one before him swearing and "that I was behaving very f***ing badly" and then he went to wash his hands and we left.

 

But to me, this is rather weird situation... Was I wrong to impose the hand washing thing? It's long distance so I don't know if this signals other more random scenarios... Thoughts on how to approach this?

 

 

First of all, that guy doesn't have a clue what 'blackmail' really is.

 

Secondly, for all we know, you may have been seeing him for the 3rd time ever, and he's taking you to McDonald's AND not washing his hands, and then putting his fingers in the dirtiest place about the human body!!!

 

Any normal person in his shoes would have walked immediately to wash his hands, and returned smelling like a rose, while simultaneously drying his hands with a paper towel as you approached the exit together.

[ThatMan]

Have you ever lived with a significant other before?

I ask because generally speaking, people tend to discover whether or not they're a good match once the relationship moves on and into cohabitation. There's many aspects of sharing a life with a person that may only be explored further down a relationship. Although there might be a lot of passion in a relationship, the relationships that do end tend to do so once people figure out that they cannot stand living together. It takes time for two people discover each other's values and figure out how to achieve that reasonable middle ground. I don't believe you can do that if you only see the man three times a year. But I absolutely believe there's room for compromise in the majority of everyday situations.

 

And also;

I think some people are ****ing nuts. This is just greasy hands for goodness sake. You don't need to dump him for such a ridiculous and comical reason. I'm sorry but that's an awful suggestion on par with dumping somebody because of their new haircut. I'm sure there are many reasons why you date this man and I know with time you'll discover that middle ground. This is a basic skill that you need to be in any relationship and it takes time and practice.

 

So...

Are you correcting him?

or

Are you grossed out?

 

The first thing you can do for yourself is stop and think very carefully to figure out if you impose yourself in any way. Because that needs to stop right now. If you ever feel uncomfortable enough to the point when your grossed out then you need to be considerate of your own wants and needs by doing something about that. Dates should NOT be gross and embarrassing. Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting. Stating what you want to do with yourself is neither imposing nor controlling. If it comes down to physically going away until you're both ready to continue a date then so be it. But remember that you are in public which can embarrass him and he only gets to see you on occasion. You can reach that middle ground by also being considerate of him through starting there. You have to acknowledge him, his feelings, and his point of view while being considerate of yourself.

 

I hope you figure out what's best for you. I honestly think that you two have different values. If my first date with a woman ended in her having an adult temper tantrum I would walk away and never look back. I simply don't date trailer trash who are slobs that shove half of their hand into their mouth in a truly bizarre and spiteful gesture. What the heck. But that's just me and my beliefs. You have your own and it takes time to sort through them to decide what's best for you. I like to stop and consider that nobody is perfect and we all have quirks. But in a relationship I accept and embrace somebody for the facets that make them who they are, including the flaws. I think now is a good time to put your own thoughts and feelings into perspective.

Edited December 11, 2013 by ThatMan
auto-correct

[WhoreyBull]

Who cares if he washes his hands. Why didn't you hand him a napkin?

Edited December 11, 2013 by WhoreyBull