I can't move past this...I feel stuck and depressed

[cantshakethefeelings]

This is going to be so long, and detailed. I apologize in advance. I just need somewhere to type this all out and I chose this place.

 

I'm in college now, a sophomore. I'm 19 years old. I was always a very shy, quiet and introverted kid throughout high school and wasn't really confident enough in my freshman through junior years to approach or talk to girls in a flirtatious way. I had and still have depression and some minor issues with anxiety. Therefore, I was never very lucky with girls throughout most of high school. I was always attracted to girls in my grade and in my classes. I just never did anything about it. It was towards the end of my senior year, and because of my attendance I didn't get to end the year early and take part in senior activities along with the rest of my friends.

 

I was hating school just because all of my friends were gone. I was one of very few people in most of my classes (out of 2 or 3 kids, seriously), with the exception of gym. The phys. ed. classes at school were mixed in terms of kids from different grades. That's how I met this girl, but she was a freshman. Yeah it's a little weird, trust me I know. But she flirted with me relentlessly. I flirted back every time. She was pretty, cute, funny, and just fun to be around. Mind you, she did NOT act at all immature around me. SHE asked for my number. I didn't pursue her myself simply because of our age difference, if she was at least a year or two older, believe me I would've been after her in a heartbeat. But, she was still 14, I was already 18 for about five months.

 

I felt the like I should bury my feelings and just stay away. I even tried. I liked her though. Never preyed or chased her. She started texting me more and more, and I reciprocated more and more each time. Sooner than later, our texts started to include hearts and "kissy" faces. A few months pass, about 4, and now we're calling each other "babe". I contemplated breaking up with her so many times just because of the age. When she turned 15, and i was 18, I felt a lot better and decided to see where things went. A few months after her 15th birthday. I realized I was in love with a 15 year old girl, at 18 going on 19. It made me feel uneasy and anxious at times but I was very attached to her and she was attached to me as well. Our parents were already friends, and her brother was a grade above me, a freshman in college.

 

Surprisingly, her brother was COMPLETELY okay with the entire thing. He told her he's always liked me and if I make her happy, then he's ok with it. That made me feel a lot better about everything, so I let go of my insecurities about the relationship and kept going. Me and this girl began sneaking around just because it was easier than her breaking the news to her parents. We saw each other regularly throughout basically her entire sophomore year of high school, my freshman year of college. I did NOT have sex with her, not even once. I strictly told her that she had to be at least be 16 before we could start doing anything besides kissing. She reluctantly agreed and understood, and we waited. I explained to her that as much as I so wanted to move forward in "that sense" it just wasn't right with our age difference.

 

I respected her and she respected my reasoning for wanting to remain at first base until she was older. Eventually after her 16th, we took things further but not all the way. We never actually "had sex" if you know what I mean. She didn't even feel ready to go that far and I was fine with and respected that completely. I loved her. Her parents eventually caught us when we tried to go out together! They knew me and who I was...knew my parents, my family. It wasn't the biggest deal. But they told her she could not see me anymore. At this point, she had already turned 16. It was pretty rough for both of us. For about the next month or two, we never saw each other a single time. Instead, we texted constantly. All day, every day. Sometimes until 3 in the morning. When I say we texted all the time, we texted ALL the time. Pretty much 24/7. We started sneaking around again, but it wasn't the same.

 

It was stressful because we had already been caught and that fear was always there. We saw each other less and less. Still, we texted all day, every single day. Still said I love you. I miss you's were exchanged at a minimum of 10 times a day. I wasn't even interested in other girls at this point because I was so hung up on her. I loved her and cared about her. I stayed with her through a lot (2 deaths in her family, a destructive hurricane that destroyed her house, medical problems, our relationship problems) , and was always there to make her feel better be it over the text or in person. We fought a healthy amount of times, just like anyone else would. But never long fights. One of us would always apologize an hour after not talking and tell the other "I love you". We'd even say "I miss talking to you for those two hours." Lol. At least 4 nights a week, we'd talk on the phone for hours and go to sleep together over the phone. We'd wake up in the morning still on the phone.

 

We had so many songs we called "our songs". I loved her, and I loved the relationship I had with her. I was always more than willing to be there to listen as was she. Even during these months when we weren't seeing each other, she went on a cruise for two weeks. No phone, no communication between us at all. i thought for sure she would come back and I would get bad news. But no, she was the same. Still loved me, still missed me, still wanted me. She stayed with me as well, through some of the things I dealt with over the year too. It was, despite the circumstances, an amazing relationship and I never expected to go as far as it did. I loved her so much. I thought about her all the time. We tried and tried to change her parents' minds. She spoke to them so many, many times. I even emailed her mom and said I would be more than willing to talk to both of them (her mom and dad). The answer was always no.

 

We hoped and hoped despite all of this. Her parents tightened her leash on her because of this. She was not allowed to go out unless her parents could ask someone if she was where she said she was. At this point, the relationship had become toxic. Constantly talking to someone for almost 5 months who I never could see, over text. Never getting to hear her voice, look her in the eyes or hold her hand or anything like that. It did become tiring and disappointing but my feelings for her never went away despite all of that. It got to the point where it was unhealthy because we just couldn't let go. Her junior year of high school began, things stayed the same for about most of the month of september. The beginning of October, she becomes cold, very distant. I knew something was up.

 

I would ask her about it and she would say "nothing I miss you. our situation bothers me." That went on for about a week or two. One night, it got really bad. She broke up with me. Her reasoning for the breakup was basically what I described to you. We weren't seeing each other, it wasn't going to work and we had to accept it and try to move on. I agreed, as much as it hurt me and killed me inside I agreed because it was the truth. That was the end. I told her I loved her so much and that I hoped we could maybe pick up where we're leaving off one day. She said she loved me so much too and said I hope so too, and thanked me for staying by her side through everything. We said goodbye, and that was the end of a very long, happy but very sad story. I was a f******g mess. I still am. But not for the reasons you'd think. She broke up with me. I initiated no contact immediately. It is December now and we have not spoken since October.

 

Two weeks later, she posts a picture of her with a guy on Instagram. Nothing romantic going on in the pic, just a picture of them together. This pissed me off, but I let it go. I liked the picture, and unfollowed and blocked her. A few weeks later, I learn that she has begun talking to someone else. Not from her, from old friends who are still in high school. I said ok, she's single that's fine. I have to let her go. But, I was smart enough to ask my friend when they started talking and when he started seeing them walking and spending time around each other in school. He said the rumors and relationship between them started late september. That would make that about 2 weeks before we broke up.

 

I was enraged, hurt, distraught. Every negative emotion you could feel, I felt it. I still feel it now. She had to have been lying to me when we broke up. She lied when she said I love you, lied about her reasons for the breakup. She left me for someone else. I was played and dumped by a 16-17 year old girl. At the same time though, I understand only because of our situation for the months before our breakup. What's weird is that I still love her. I wouldn't take her back, but I love her. Out of rage and anger while drunk, I posted two mean things to "Snapchat Stories." The first post was "biggest waste of an entire year and a half" the second "Good terms my ass". I'm talking to someone else now, she's my age. I would never ever pursue anything with any girl as young as my ex besides my ex herself, I want to make that clear. I still am not over my this girl though. I stress about it everyday. I know contacting her will only prolong my pain, and make me look even more like an idiot. I'm almost 20 years old.

 

I feel pretty broken, but I also feel like a p***y and a loser for being played by her. I should've seen it coming and expected it. I guess I should've listened to my initial gut feeling when I met her. But I stayed with her through everything, helped her through so much, and she b****h slaps me in the end. I feel like that's just unforgivable, regardless to her age. I have such mixed feelings and I'm so confused and so incredibly hurt. Do you think she'll ever contact me again? My birthday is coming up...maybe then? But even then...I don't think i could bring myself to answer her. I have nothing to say. I love her so much though. Basically my first real relationship. I feel like I can never trust another person again.

 

I apologize for this being as long as it is. I just need someone to listen and have some form of advice for me.

Edited December 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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