Gf is unstable i dont know to do anymore

[Panda87]

Hello guys,

 

Im back here with current relationship, just need to get some helpful feedback from you guys.

 

I met this girl and we've been in relationship for 5months now. Things have been going up and down due to our distance. We are in LDR currently, she still study on her final at her hometown. and i am working at my hometown.

 

Problem now is, she is this fun and easy girl but has alot of past problems (drugs, drinking, cutting herself) i have fall in love with her before knowing that kind of deep stuff. So i stayed and believe maybe with me she will change and start appreciate and love herself. Turn out im wrong, she gets worse this past few days and drive me crazy.

 

One day she could forget what happened to her yesterday, and asked me what did she do yesterday. I was there talking on the phone with her, feeling so down why she can be like this? what did i do wrong? she can just get drunk and forget everything. Then the day after, she fall asick so i patiently ask her to drink medicine and eat healthy stuff. But she refuse to, she said she wants to be skinny so she took slimming pill instead of medicine for her to get well. I get so frustated, i dont know what she want.

 

I cant be there with her, because my grandpa is falling asick in ICU. I need to be in my town to be with my family. and she knows that, she refuse to eat anything for 4 days. She has no family in her town, her family live in other town. So i am worried as hell but she didnt care about that. She never listen what i said at all. Being herself, being stubborn.

 

Guys, i love her with all my heart. but i dont know what to do anymore. to stay or to leave.

 

Now she is getting better, surprisingly after not eating anything. Then yesterday she go to bar and get drunks again (when she is not 100% recover) she has this problem with her sch, she said she need to drink so again i couldnt take that kind of excuse anymore. i refuse to call her and acc her get drunk. it hurts me bad that nothing i could do that can help her situation and she run to her bad habit again.

 

I just want to see her get healthy , love herself and not keep hurting herself like this. I am in pain now, i havent contact her at all from last night until this morning. I dont know what happen to her, whether she reach home safely or not, because no matter how much i care about her it doesnt matter for her. She just want her freedom.

 

Help to understand, what did i wrong and what should i do? appreciate your time to read and reply this

[OnlyHonesty]

It sounds like you are falling into the common 'Knight in shining armour' rescuer type complex. You cannot fix her or anyone else, only they can do that. You say you love her but you barely know her and it has only been 5 months.

 

I have noticed this a lot lately, guys saying they are in love after mere months, you are not in love and I would question yourself as to why you are so eager to think this is the case. Perhaps the fantasy or allure of 'love' is what you are in love with.

 

If you stay within this relationship, it will bring you drama, grief, frustration, sadness, potential danger, elements of codependency and a cycle where you constantly take one step forwards and two steps back and then repeat.

 

You know what you need to do but your psychological programming that is telling you to 'rescue' this girl is likely giving you a form of secondary gain and making you feel important or special in some way.

 

I don't think anyone here can help you because I sense you are not yet at that point where you are able to cut all ties and go no contact. However, this is what you will end up doing. Either you do it the way that saves you all of the heart ache or you ignore wisdom, go through all of the pain and then when it get's too much, you will cut ties. The choice is yours.

 

Some things that are broken can only be fixed from within.

[justwhoiam]

I'd call social services of that town and ask that a case-worker can be sent there to her place to check out what she's doing. She is completely alone and if she falls at home and hits her head or something, it's a life or death thing. She is an alcoholic and this kind of things happen routinely to alcohol addicts. I'd also try to call the nearest Alcoholists Anonymous, maybe they can help her and convince her to join their group.

 

If she has a job and doesn't try to fix her problem soon enough, she might lose it pretty soon. That would made her problem even worse than it already is.

[Panda87]

Thanks guys for your reply, really appreciate it.

 

OnlyHonesty, i think you are right i need to get out from this drama because she thinks the way i care about her is too much. She doesnt like it at all, problem is i dont know anymore whats right or wrong now for her. Every little things she does, hurt herself. And she wants me to be chill and not nag all the time. She said i am trying too hard, maybe i am. Maybe its time for me to let go, as hard as it is i need to because she is not my responbility. I need to start loving myself more and giving attention to someone that really need it. I need to stop find excuse to myself that she is actually need me when she doesnt. As much as she said she loves me, her action does not justify that. If she does love me, every action that she take for herself she will actually think how i feel about it right?

 

I am slowly but sure to letting her go, i hope it does get easier in time. its time for me to be selfish and think for myself

 

Thanks guys!

[TMichaels]

Drinking, taking drugs, cutting herself...

 

Yes, all self-destructive behaviors, but how do you know she's *really* doing any of these things?

 

You're not there with her in person, all you have to go on is what she tells you. Has it ever occurred to you that's she's making some or all of this up?

 

If she really has these issues *she* needs to fix them, not you. And, she won't do so until she hits bottom, admits she has a problem, and actively takes responsibility for her recovery.

 

Thankfully, you've only invested five months in this "relationship." Walk away now with not one iota of guilt as you've done nothing wrong and you need to quit blaming yourself for her problems.

 

You didn't cause them and you shouldn't think for moment you can fix them because whether they be real or imaginary they're not your demons to fight.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[jessiej]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I know how you feel and I hope I can help!

I was in a relationship with a very unstable man for 3 years. He would cut himself, threaten suicide, punch himself, and do many many things that were self destructive. I'm only 18 and I didn't know what to do, so I stayed with him because I loved him and I wanted to help, but things only got worse and it took a huge emotional toll on me. His depression and self destructive behaviours started to be taken out on me, but because I loved this guy I still stayed to try and make him better.

 

You can't make someone fix themselves, they have to do it on their own and that is what i've learned. There is a difference between being there for someone, and going above and beyond to help this person and carrying some of their baggage for them, because this results in you getting very hurt.

 

I think you should contact her parents, or a social worker or something. They can help her and you can tell her that you can still be there for her, but that she really needs to get better, and you can't make her get better, you can just contact and involve the right people and hope that they can help her.

 

But most importantly, please understand that this is NOT your fault at all! You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are being a very supportive and loving boyfriend, but unfortuneatly people like this need help. Contact her parents, she should get into counselling or something so she can deal with her issues. (I don't mean that in any rude way at all)