What if he is not in love with you?

[hellischrome]

Hi everyone, I am posting for the first time after 2 months.

 

Very brief recap: we have been on and off for 1 year, he said he loved me a couple of times in the past but then life just got in our way, we did nothing but arguing and crying for about 6 months, his ex girlfriend (he left her for me, they haven't been talking for three months and three days ago she wrote to him saying her dad is really sick - he didn't tell me any of it, I just saw the message appearing on the screen and asked him about it) was involved, he said he still may had feelings for her, then finally decided he wanted to stay with me. This happened 2 months ago. We are happy now, we agree on almost everything which is like completely new for us. But two days ago we started talking, and it comes out that he is not in love with me at the moment 'cause when he came to me with an open heart then things just didn't work out and he said he is trying to protect himself. He also said he understands if I want to leave, as it's not easy to be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same, but that he needs time to develop his feelings and be sure of the next step (saying he loves me and possibly moving in together). He also said that sometimes he forces himself to NOT do things that may annoy me (comments on other women and such) and he is doing these efforts to make it work. His actions? He is extremely loving and caring, he cares for me and protects me, he spends time with me (much more than he needs to, while I am the kind of person that needs to see the partner almost every day), I usually spend 3/4 nights every week at his place even if he likes to spend evenings on his own and doesn't absolutely needs to see me so often. He cooks for me, kisses me a lot, pays for everything, planned a weekend together this week, said he's gonna call me and text me when I will go home for Christmas and we will be on a 10 hours time zone difference. He even tells me everytime he has to meet a friend so that doesn't affect our plans.

 

And yet... there is something wrong. I am the kind of person that gets lost in the partner since the first moment, even if our history didn't allow me to do so. I don't know if I love him, but knowing that he doesn't love me hurts and sometimes I don't know if at the age of 26 I want to abandon the idea of the fairy tale I always wanted.

 

I'd like to know any random thought you may have, as at the moment I don't know if I am being crazy. He said that arguing every day for 6 months (and me being crazy, like packing my stuff a thousand times, and shouting a lot) really pushed him back and he needs time. He said that in the last month things are definitely better than in the past, but still in one month things cant change radically as the past is still there.

[PreciousOne]

Im not sure what response your looking for or what your question was but if your questioning whether you love him or not I think that's a pretty big sign. If he doesn't want to say he loves you don't force it. Try hard to move on with your life because it doesn't seem fair for him to string you along until he figures out what he wants to do.

[gabgab]

Im sorry but I don't think this guy loves you. Hes tried but he doesn't. I wouldn't give up on your romantic ideals. 26 is young you got plenty of time. Don't settle for someone who isn't crazy about you.

[hellischrome]

But don't you think it's fair that some people need time to develop and grow feelings? I am not sure I love him, but I know we have a great time together

 

@Preciousone: he said he knows what he wants to do, which is be with me

[Adele0908]

It seems like you are a bit insecure. Do you trust him? Because if he can't even make comments on other women...yes we're only human, but if he says he's with you then you have to trust that. If you are unable to trust him, then he won't trust you and the relationship. Fighting every day, and yelling...well, where's the love?

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I don't think this one is going to work out. You've been together (albeit on-off) for a little while and he's losing his feelings for you. It's not as though this is a new partnership and he needs time - he's already tried and it wasn't working. It's difficult to come back from a very rough patch, especially when there's a third party involved - ie. realizing he might still be in love with someone else.

 

You have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept only a piece of his heart. You don't have him completely; he plainly told you that. He also gave you the option to leave - those aren't the words of someone who genuinely wants to keep a relationship going. I personally don't think I could be with someone who wasn't in love any more. I want more than that in a relationship. I'd be very carefully getting any more emotionally invested right now.