What is wrong with you people !

December 10, 2013

This is the second time in 4 months I have been back to this site. My girl left me 4 months back but I managed to get her back by contacting her and trying to make amends. Now she came back then and obviously I didn't change enough to keep her.

She left me last Friday, few things were said but nothing really really nasty, yes I was untrustworthy by checking her phone but were all human and make mistakes. If I had cheated or beat her fair enough, but I didn't. When she phoned at the end she said she loved me and I believe she does, but just wasn't doing the right things at the right time, I agree, I was selfish.

Now everyone say NC and I believe that right for both of us to get our heads sorted and she definitely needs space. But if she loves me and I love her why don't I reach out. Yes she can not reach back but atleast Ive tried.

Get a bit angry when nearly all of you say no, don't do it. Many of you have done plenty of post here and responses to others, surely if you left on reasonable terms you would of wanted your partner back. Yeah for sure it takes 2 but only 1 to make a move.

I have wrote a letter accepting what has happened, ask for forgiveness as I know I did wrong, i will give it, not yet but when I feel right. If I get no response at least I will know where I stand and can move on.

You guys need to give hope occasionally to some of us...

I haven't read any comments...but don't send the letter.

Sit on it for 2 weeks, then see if you want to do it. I'm almost 3 months post break up. It sucks man, but believe me, when you start to see that light at the end of the tunnel, all you do is keep gravitating towards it. It becomes brighter and brighter until you no longer want to go back into that darkness that is the past (wow, that was really good, I have to admit - I just made that up on the fly too. hah, sweet).

Keep the faith man. Don't reach out or else you'll only be hurting yourself more and prolonging your healing. I thought for sure I'll never get over my ex. Now I've started to realize so many things that were wrong about our relationship (maybe not wrong, but not perfect like it should have been...okay, wrong in some spots too). Give yourself a timeline. 1 week. To sulk, dwell, cry your heart out. I wish I had done this.

I went like a month doing that. Don't. Give yourself a time period to grieve what has happened. Then, move forward. You can do it man. Stay No Contact. Lots think it is a ****ty strategy - hell, even I did. But it works man. You need to pick yourself back up and put yourself back on two feet. NC keeps the past in the past. Soon enough that urge to reach out will no longer be there.

December 10, 2013

Blastbeat, thanks. I guess I want closure. Two nights before Im in her kitchen cooking dinner for her and her boys. No respect for me I believe to very harsh.

I will wait few weeks if get nothing so closure it will be but atleast i can move on.

This sounds like a mature, caring adult approach. Give her, and you, time apart then if you still feel like reaching out in a few weeks do. You know that might mean heartbreak but like you said - at least you know you did everything you could. Then you can start healing and moving forward.

Heartbreak sucks but giving up too soon makes it worse. Good luck and I hope things work out for you sooner rather than later.

December 10, 2013

This sounds like a mature, caring adult approach. Give her, and you, time apart then if you still feel like reaching out in a few weeks do. You know that might mean heartbreak but like you said - at least you know you did everything you could. Then you can start healing and moving forward.

Heartbreak sucks but giving up too soon makes it worse. Good luck and I hope things work out for you sooner rather than later.

Hokey, thanks. Calm down abit at moment, she only left me Friday for god sake, not like im sending the letter tomorrow. I thinking sending it in few weeks maybe or just after new year, by then I may be stronger, I think somewhere in conversation she quoted space. Im giving that and hopefully I will be a little better by then. Heartbreak now is awful but Im happy to give one more try in few weeks and if same well so be. Heartbreak then but at least can move on.

December 10, 2013

I'm not a brat I someone who loves another who said they love me. I'm looking for hope and I thank you for the quick replies but not one is positive.

Isn't our goal come her fix our problems and hopefully never return again.

So you want people to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear instead of trying to help you? That sounds really productive. You come to an advice forum, you get advice, you whine about said advice. Why did you come here in the first place?

December 10, 2013

No, closure from another person is a myth. And relying on another person to give it to you, is more neediness.

She dumped you. Yes it sucks. But she dumped you. The ball is in her court. All you look like, when you constantly chase a person who rejects you, is pathetic. Good luck with that.

Speaks the truth.

December 10, 2013

I agree with some of your points but i wish i had gone NC much earlier. It has helped me so much, i dont see it as unhealthy but it saved my bacon a when i implemented it properly. If the OP wants to reach then yes its the same as throwing your love spuds on the barbie. Only pain awaits......

hi loveiswar101,

good points.

no contact is an excruciating process, & the support shared in no contact in this subforum has created a healthy bond which can become an unhealthy group think to others who want to solve their problem with advice in the forum, then apply it to their life & move on away from the forum.

i see how this is not conducive to the bond shared by those doing the heart-wrenching work of slogging through after break-up. maybe a separation of the 'reconciliation' part of this subforum is in order?

or maybe next time post in the 'second chances' subforum? sorry if i seem to be overstepping bounds & behaving as a moderator or expert of the forum.

just trying to give some perspective. i have gone no contact in my past & regretted it over the long term, that's where i'm coming from.

now, i've perused all your threads, & my cursory assessment is that you are too much baggage for this woman with physical ailments & children she manages on her own.

you are quite aware of your issues, you've been through therapy, worked hard on your issues, you have humility & few illusions about yourself, it seems.

the extremity of your emotions throughout this relationship indicate to me a flood of previously dormant/closed off feelings you've carried around for years, just looking for a safe place to feel them, & she was that safe place to come alive with those feelings again.

i think you mishandled the advice you got here & the youtube clips you watched in that initial n.c. you initiated. you were playing one role in the forum & another when you saw her, it seems. i kept asking myself, 'why isn't he just telling her this stuff instead of watching all these clips & trying to solve the problem in her absence? it doesn't make sense.'

maybe you never learned how to work on things together in a relationship? i can relate to that, it caused me to dump someone & go no contact, & 3 years later still regret it. but in reality, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

i didn't have the level of relationship experience & expertise to make it work. but i know my next relationship will benefit from that experience.

i think it's time for you to focus on what to do right in your next relationship.

employ this tattered relationship as a reference book for future relationships.

j

December 10, 2013

The truth hurts, if you don't like the answers then why ask for help? I wanted closure at one point too but now I realized that it was just me reaching for straws and hoping it would work out again. The only closure you need is realizing you don't need her and that you just want her because your just used to her.

If she dumped you or ended it how ever it makes you feel better, then you have to respect her decision and leave with your head held high so you can at least maintain some dignity and still have respect for yourself and not regret looking desperate or needy. If she truly wants you she will come back because no matter how hard you try you can't force someone to love you.

The reason I tell you this and the reason most of the people here tell you the advice you should hear is because we made the same mistakes and are trying to prevent you from following in the same foot steps. How ever when I was in your shoes I didn't want to hear that it was over and didn't want to take people's advice because I couldn't except the fact that my life will go on with out her untill I made the same mistakes and had to learn the hard way.

So good luck with your decisions and I hope everything works out.

December 10, 2013

If somone dumps you, if they walk away from the relationship, if they decide they don't want you in their life then why on earth would you want to keep chasing after them? I mean logically? I know our hearts tell us differently but come on..

Most of us have made a last ditch effort to get an ex back but you reach a point where you have to give up. If you have made your feelings clear to the other person then that is all you can do. In most cases they know they have broken your heart, and they know that it is the worst kind of emotional pain and I'm sure they are sorry but they want to move on without you, so please let them.

December 10, 2013

This is the second time in 4 months I have been back to this site. My girl left me 4 months back but I managed to get her back by contacting her and trying to make amends. Now she came back then and obviously I didn't change enough to keep her.

She left me last Friday, few things were said but nothing really really nasty, yes I was untrustworthy by checking her phone but were all human and make mistakes. If I had cheated or beat her fair enough, but I didn't. When she phoned at the end she said she loved me and I believe she does, but just wasn't doing the right things at the right time, I agree, I was selfish.

Now everyone say NC and I believe that right for both of us to get our heads sorted and she definitely needs space. But if she loves me and I love her why don't I reach out. Yes she can not reach back but atleast Ive tried.

Get a bit angry when nearly all of you say no, don't do it. Many of you have done plenty of post here and responses to others, surely if you left on reasonable terms you would of wanted your partner back. Yeah for sure it takes 2 but only 1 to make a move.

I have wrote a letter accepting what has happened, ask for forgiveness as I know I did wrong, i will give it, not yet but when I feel right. If I get no response at least I will know where I stand and can move on.

You guys need to give hope occasionally to some of us...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA............HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*whew*

Well...good luck to you my friend.

December 10, 2013

Well, thanks for the amazing comments, HAHAHAHAHA being really helpful. I understand NC is the way, I came on here for support and a few answers not to be ridiculed. After much despair today I managed to find the number for my therapist from many many year ago who helped me get out of a very big whole. He remembered me and what happened after my 10 year marriage BU and we talked for a hour and I told him EVERYTHING from day one about what had happened here, he advised not to send the letter but also understood that back then and now I'm an emotional person which in one way is good but in another bad. I just need to harness it, control it. The thing is and this is what worries me, he had the full side of both people here, my gf and me. This gave me a better understanding.

I guess as someone put, if don't like the answer here why post. Fair enough. But unless your in the shoes of the person posting you have a choice and to reply to that person in a well mannered way or just be rude as many have done.

Everyone has had different experiences in the BU, thus this in my eyes gives everyone a different opinion on someone else BU. Fair enough. But I came originally for support, yes it might be towards hope but I came here for support. Got little.

I can't blame anyone but myself as really didn't give the full story of the BU and my background, if I did it would many many lines long and not many people would of took time to read and then comment back. As say can't blame anyone but myself.

December 10, 2013

I'm a skeptic. Experience is the way I learned my life lessons.

For instance, in the 1st grade my teacher tells the class not to lick any metal poles (we were in Alaska) in winter. Now, he didn't tell us why we shouldn't do that. Guess who was the only kid in the class to figure out why not to lick metal poles when it's snowing out. It's the first thing I did, licked a metal pole. I had to rip my tongue off of it.

I learned a painful, bloody lesson.

Sometimes, unless something is explained in a way that a specific person can take to heart, that person will have to make those mistakes and learn the hard way.

Especially when the person is being confrontational. Let them walk off the edge if they are adamant and combative. It's their funeral.

December 10, 2013

Well, thanks for the amazing comments, HAHAHAHAHA being really helpful. I understand NC is the way, I came on here for support and a few answers not to be ridiculed. After much despair today I managed to find the number for my therapist from many many year ago who helped me get out of a very big whole. He remembered me and what happened after my 10 year marriage BU and we talked for a hour and I told him EVERYTHING from day one about what had happened here, he advised not to send the letter but also understood that back then and now I'm an emotional person which in one way is good but in another bad. I just need to harness it, control it. The thing is and this is what worries me, he had the full side of both people here, my gf and me. This gave me a better understanding.
I guess as someone put, if don't like the answer here why post. Fair enough. But unless your in the shoes of the person posting you have a choice and to reply to that person in a well mannered way or just be rude as many have done.
Everyone has had different experiences in the BU, thus this in my eyes gives everyone a different opinion on someone else BU. Fair enough. But I came originally for support, yes it might be towards hope but I came here for support. Got little.

I can't blame anyone but myself as really didn't give the full story of the BU and my background, if I did it would many many lines long and not many people would of took time to read and then comment back. As say can't blame anyone but myself.

*hole

As guitar said, the name of your thread is "Whats wrong with you people" THEN decided to tell us, people who are helping and have dealt with EVERY situation (and yours is no different), what we're doing wrong....so what were you expecting??

Keep your therapist. Heal. That's all I have to say.

December 10, 2013

guys take it easy on him,

he's in pain after losing a loved one, you all went through it, you guys learned your lessons and now have the experience to deal with break ups. He's grieving a loved one, like me and many others on this site. People lash out when their in pain. None of you can say you haven't.

Alot of you guys are veterans on this site. I haven't read this guys story but I have read every post on this thread and your taking it very personally for such emotionally evolved people and with some posts a little cruel such as the "hahahaha" post.

I just lost the first girl i ever loved and I keep making the mistakes of breaking N/C and going N/C but i think each time I open that wound it makes me stronger and recover faster than the first initial blow. I'm learning.

The worst thing about this grieve is the person is still alive and breathing.

You can't bring back the dead no matter how much you want to and logic forces you to move on. They are not coming back but when you lose someone who's still living, there's always that illogical emotional hope of "bringing them back from the dead"

I do agree with alot of everybody's comments on this forum N/C for healing, and if you do get another chance at the relationship you have to be past the grieving stage and finding happiness in yourself again.

Before I met my ex I was really coming into my own as a person, growing into the person I wanted to be. I was even happier with her but when she left she took a piece of me with her. I want my ex back more than anything but I want myself back first and a better version of that self. Maybe I'll get her back, maybe I won't but I'll be a better person because of her and I will forever thank her for that even if she doesn't know it but the next girl that comes along will get the 2.0 version of me and if again rejection happens, i ask if theres any way to resolve it, I feel so and if not i'll bow gracefully out of her life and walk away with my dignity intact.

Take it easy on the dude. Grief drives us crazy. I know I was completely losing mine over for two months and the fogs only beginning to clear.

They are right though OP, I don't your entire situation but the ball IS in her court, she knows it, you don't have to keep reminding her. Give her the space she needs.

Other posters. I know your feeling slighted but have some compassion, I've been on here for a month now for advice, reading other peoples experiences. I would actually be quite hurt if you reacted the same way to me.

N/C is a very hard pill to swallow. Severing somebody so important to you is f**king hard thing to accept.

I think I'm just rambling now, I'm tired.

peace

December 10, 2013

In the end, it is just advice. No reason to get upset .

December 10, 2013

They are right though OP, I don't your entire situation but the ball IS in her court, she knows it, you don't have to keep reminding her. Give her the space she needs.

Thanks. look angry yesterday until I saw my therapist, the relief seeing him was amazing, didn't judge her, didn't judge me, just put it more in a black and white picture. But mainly put me at ease to that as in previously posted i'm an emotional person and have been since the first time we met 6 yrs back and need to control it.

It's hard. But currently I have to give it my best shot.

December 10, 2013

Thanks. look angry yesterday until I saw my therapist, the relief seeing him was amazing, didn't judge her, didn't judge me, just put it more in a black and white picture. But mainly put me at ease to that as in previously posted i'm an emotional person and have been since the first time we met 6 yrs back and need to control it.

It's hard. But currently I have to give it my best shot.

thats cool man,

following your heart can be a dangerous thing because it could lead you to more heartache

if you do get burned again, just take it easy man alright.

December 10, 2013

This is crap, reading my other thread yesterday people here probably relize I was very down until I seeked help and saw my old therapist.

Well work reasonable last night, hard to get out of bed very but remembered what I was told yesterday by my therapist. Set the goal control the emotions.

Got up, then a text, as deleted all numbers relating to my ex I (amazing how once a number in phone and on speed dial we never know who from), anyhow bit of research in past bills I relised it was from her best friend.

"Hope your ok x"

Well shook me as now beginning of day and minds now rolling. Ok originally thought she was fishing, but maybe is just concerned so I replied at first

"Thanks, it's hard losing someone you loved, no one's perfect, my kids arrive soon and that's fantastic, also have set goals for me and will work on them xxx"

I guess I wrote that knowing she would show it to my ex.

But after 15 mins replied with just "Thanks xxx"

Some will say should of ignored it but I'm a human being brought up to be polite and have manners and if she was sincere felt it would be wrong not to reply at all.

Well certainly has the emotions on the rise..............

December 10, 2013

There's no point him taking out his anger on a bunch of strangers just because his ex dumped him again. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it's sad. But what is the point of blasting us, just because he can't accept it?

He can write the letter all he wants, but it's a lost cause. He resuscitated the relationship once and guess what? It's still dead. Now is the time for NC, inward focus, and eventual moving on.

He claims she still loves him - if she loved him, she wouldn't dump him. Short of them being in an impossible situation, like one party is married, etc, there's nothing left to do.

better taking the anger out on faceless strangers over the net than on close friends or loved ones or her which could lead to more damage to his relationships.

I'm not trying to argue with anybody btw,

like the great Ron Burgundy said

"Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this"

whoops sorry meant this one

"Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast"

December 10, 2013

I don't think there is anything wrong with responding to a friend. In terms of your feelings being stirred up, it's reasonable and normal. Hang in there man.

December 10, 2013

better taking the anger out on faceless strangers over the net than on close friends or loved ones or her which could lead to more damage to his relationships.
I'm not trying to argue with anybody btw,

like the great Ron Burgundy said

"Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this"

whoops sorry meant this one

"Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast"

Meh, it's best to control your emotions. I mean, yeah, we probably shouldn't have jumped down his throat so vigorously, but he pretty much was asking for it by the way he was posting. I just really, really don't get the point of asking for advice and then having a temper tantrum when it's not the advice you want. I realize not everyone operates the way I do, but I didn't come on sites like this one until I had exhausted every option in trying to solve my problem myself. By the time I got here, I wanted an outside view (no matter what it was) to give myself another viewpoint because I figured I was in too deep to look at things rationally.

I just dislike it when people get mad because they aren't getting the advice they want to hear (I mean, it's the breakup portion of a relationship site, if you are looking for rainbows and unicorns, you are pretty lost). Posters would be doing people a disservice by giving them a cutesy-fruitsy account of things rather than keeping it real. Also, it's frustrating when you try to help someone and they do the exact wrong thing you advise them not to do, though I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not jump down their throats too much for being dumb.

December 10, 2013

I don't want to see him make an idiot of himself and set his healing back. She left him. He needs to move forward, or he'll be back here again when it all goes pear-shaped.

He's biting the hand that feeds him. It'll make people reluctant to give him advice in the future.

All you can do is give the OP advice, thats all, its up to him if he wants to follow it. If he it does go pear shaped, he'll just have to do what we all have to do, pick himself up, dust himself off and keep going with his life.

I feel like i'm laying too many movie quotes now but I really love this one from Batman Begins

"Why do we fall.

So we can learn to pick ourselves up"

I know its from a batman film but its not any less true. If he gets burned again, he'll pick himself back up, heal and probably be stronger for it.

However I do agree, he should just leave her alone for now.

December 10, 2013

Meh, it's best to control your emotions. I mean, yeah, we probably shouldn't have jumped down his throat so vigorously, but he pretty much was asking for it by the way he was posting. I just really, really don't get the point of asking for advice and then having a temper tantrum when it's not the advice you want. I realize not everyone operates the way I do, but I didn't come on sites like this one until I had exhausted every option in trying to solve my problem myself. By the time I got here, I wanted an outside view (no matter what it was) to give myself another viewpoint because I figured I was in too deep to look at things rationally.

I just dislike it when people get mad because they aren't getting the advice they want to hear (I mean, it's the breakup portion of a relationship site, if you are looking for rainbows and unicorns, you are pretty lost). Posters would be doing people a disservice by giving them a cutesy-fruitsy account of things rather than keeping it real. Also, it's frustrating when you try to help someone and they do the exact wrong thing you advise them not to do, though I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not jump down their throats too much for being dumb.

I've learned alot through my breakup.

and although everybody has good intentions and advice, hearing:

"you got to move on"

"its over"

"you got to accept it"

"stop thinking about her man, look whats she's done to you, you deserve better"

"she's probably moved on already"

We all know its true, but we just don't want to accept it, hearing it actually pisses you off. Denial man. We want to hear the opposite, delude ourselves, hollywood has raised us for happy endings, we slowly learn its bull****.

Read "A Farewell to Arms" now there is "happy ending"

December 10, 2013

I've learned alot through my breakup.
and although everybody has good intentions and advice, hearing:
"you got to move on"
"its over"
"you got to accept it"
"stop thinking about her man, look whats she's done to you, you deserve better"
"she's probably moved on already"

We all know its true, but we just don't want to accept it, hearing it actually pisses you off. Denial man. We want to hear the opposite, delude ourselves, hollywood has raised us for happy endings, we slowly learn its bull****.
Read "A Farewell to Arms" now there is "happy ending"

I don't care what people want to hear. It serves no purpose to enable that fantasy. I realize you are in white knight mode, but I'm not going to call a spade a diamond to make someone feel better temporarily right now. I'm going to try to give them the advice so they can feel better for longer down the road. They don't have to take it, but I'm not going to tell them something that's counterproductive because they want me to. That just wastes everyone's time.

December 10, 2013

I'm on the side of, the less deluded you can be, and the sooner you can be it, the better.

Being deluded can get you into some trouble. You can also make a big fool of yourself. You can make a situation so much worse.

I'm in favor of tough love.

December 11, 2013

I believe someone once said somethin about "if you love it let it go"...

Darn, what was that second part?

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