In two months...

[sambo77]

It's now been two whole months since the last time I spoke to her. In that two months a lot has happened...

 

(a) I've "stabilised," in the sense that I am no longer at rock bottom, a mess of a man who cannot function, feeling like every moment is a living hell.

 

(b) Don't get me wrong, there are moments that feel like a living hell...it just isn't EVERY moment.

 

© My passion for my work has returned and I'm channelling almost ALL of my energy and passion into (a) my job, (b) writing books, and © looking after my son. It's probably a defence...but I have suddenly had an injection of intense ambition to make an impact on the world through my work...a bit like saying "f*&k you, I don't need you to matter" to my ex.

 

(d) Sadly, the above still isn't completely "healthy" because it's partially motivated by a desire for her to one day look back at what she's lost with regret. So clearly I'm still bitter.

 

(e) Most days I entertain the idea of contacting her. I'm busting to know how she feels about me, if she regrets it just a tiny bit, if she misses me, if she's too proud to contact me. But most days, miraculously, I talk myself out of it...mainly because I'm just too afraid of the "risk" that contacting her would involve :-(

 

(f) I'm not so scared of "being alone" any longer. I have managed to chill the f%&k out about the idea of "being with someone" and I'm not so bothered about being on my own.

 

(g) I'm "OK." That's to say, I can exist and function. However, it's all a bit "meh." I just don't feel that "genuine euphoria" about anything at the moment and I haven't done for a while. The last time I felt it was the last time I saw her :-(

 

(h) I'm trying to convince myself that euphoric moments are not the end goal of my existence. If they are...I might as well start snorting coke and using up 50% of my salary on hookers for Friday and Saturday nights. It's easier, less risky, and gives me the same end.

 

(i) I've read more deep, meaningful, philosophical literature than I ever thought possible. I am quoting philosophers and poets like no tomorrow...it's my way of finding something tangible that convinces me I'll be OK and there's another future out there.

 

(j) I am finally realising that Google DOESN'T know the answers or responses to searches like "will she come back?" "I miss her so so much" "if I contact her will she answer?"

 

(k) I have been celibate since the split...and I don't give a toss. I have flat-lined in relation to desire and sexual attraction towards anyone but my ex.

 

(l) I can still create "on the spot anxiety" by imagining her with another dude. And this is the main reason I WILL NOT contact her at all...cos I DON'T wanna find out she's with some new dude.

 

(m) I feel like I've gotten to know a dozen or so members of LS who've been going through their shlt sorta in parallel. Every one of them has said something at one time or another that has injected me with hope or determination at a time when I needed it big time. Thanks.

 

(n) I eat again. I exercise hard and consistently. I sleep well. I live according to my own routine again. I see lots of friends and am making new ones. I am off on a short trip abroad in February with a buddy from work. I am functioning again.

 

(o) I have seriously lost faith in relationships. I am a little scared of them now ...I think. This one pushed me over my proverbial tipping point in this respect. There's a point, I think, where, when we experience a certain level of disrespect, cruelty, dishonesty, and maltreatment by another, we finally develop an aversion of sorts...I think I have it now. I trusted her...and she lied and cheated.

 

(p) This is teaching me what I do not want to learn.

 

(q) I found out my best friend loves me...and while I love her too, it isn't in a way that feels right for us to be together "like that."

 

® I'm thinking of starting a real-life breakup and divorce support group...but I haven't done shlt about making it happen.

 

(s) In my mind, my ex is still the most beautiful woman in the world (and that ever graced the face of the planet).

 

(t) I have not watched a single minute of TV, picked up a newspaper, read a magazine, or had any connection with social media since this happened. I have no idea why I am avoiding such stuff...but it is actually quite refreshing.

 

So...all in all...there's some weird shlt going on with me. The above suggests I'm (a) slowly, slowly contemplating getting up and "moving forwards" with my life, whilst (b) simultaneously grieving and looking backwards at what I lost. Doing the two together (which I think we all do) makes for a bit of a mindf&ck.

[FortunateSon]

Great list. You are definitely not alone, I am with you on almost all of those!!

[geegee81]

I am glad to hear that you are doing better!

 

LOL @ I am finally realising that Google DOESN'T know the answers or responses to searches like "will she come back?" "I miss her so so much" "if I contact her will she answer?"

[radiodarcy]

I am glad to hear that you are doing better!

 

LOL @ I am finally realising that Google DOESN'T know the answers or responses to searches like "will she come back?" "I miss her so so much" "if I contact her will she answer?"

 

Ditto to that!!

 

As for the bolded part - - this is exactly how I found LoveShack!