jamesjohn Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Hi. So after almost18months of breaking up (he broke up with me) and 6 months of no contact I felt ready to message my ex and see if we could be friends. He replied and said he was not expecting a message from me.I said now I felt there was enough time between us that we could be friends without the emotions of the past. That I would prefer to be friends with him than never talk again and pretend that I didn't care about him at all. I never asked to meet him etc. He replied and said he hoped me the best and that HE WAS NOT SURE we should meet. He also said he had no bad feelings towards me and we had a good time. He ended it with a "x" I never sent a first message to him with a kiss. Probably he didn't think about it. I never asked to meet. So what is he basically saying? Is he saying he is truly unsure whether we should meet ever again and I should just re-add him on Facebook and try to be friends again. Or was he being super super polite and pre-empting I might ask to meet and saying he NEVER wants to meet me again in a super polite way? My friends are all cold cynical and say he was thinking I would ask him so he was saying no before I got the chance in a kind way. I thought about replying to the last text and telling him I am not even in the same city over chistmas right now and my plans to create a new facebook account and re-connect with people. That it would be nice to add him and have him accept. Then happy christmas. What do you guys think? I accept I can not force my dreams or feelings onto him i.e. asking to get back with a person. This is why I took the no contact in the first place! But at the same time I think it is perfectly normal after so much time to be friends with an ex if you both had no bad feelings etc during the relationship?!
Author jamesjohn Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I guess I would prefer as I said to him admit that I still care for him and that this is normal. But at the same time I cannot be selfish and expect him to want to be with me again. So ultimately for me it would be easier to be friends and still care for one another but obviously have seperate lives etc than pretend like I dont care.\ Maybe decades ago without technology it was easier to never ever see or speak to them again. But in todays world I kinda feel after a lot of time and bad feelings die ex's can be friends. I think it is acceptable to love somebody and want to know they are well and talk to them. But at the same having admitted to yourself you both tried it as a relationship. It didn't work and therefore you go from there as friends. I have friends who have no contact with ex's and they are like me thinking about their ex's. I prefer my other friends who have made peace with each other and talk to their ex's and accept they will never be more than that. For me it is just ridiculous to pretend that you don't care or are curious about someone you really loved from along time ago. It doesn't mean I want a relationship with them as lovers again but I am curious about if they are well and happy in their lives. As I said it is easier for me at this point to be friends. I reached out to him. If it is not easier for him then obviously I have to accept that. But there is still ambiguity between us in a way. If somebody really hurt me would I want them back? I would be very unsure about it and exactly what had changed in them that meant they would not hurt me again.
No Limit Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Problem is if you meet again, old feelings might be revived by it. I also think that's what your ex is afraid of. I know it might be hard, but let go, maybe permanently this time. He's unsure after 1 1/2 years, and there are people who are unsure even 5 years later and so on. Feelings don't just vanish, but if they're with someone new it's better to keep them away and everything that could remind one of them.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Problem is if you meet again, old feelings might be revived by it. I also think that's what your ex is afraid of. I know it might be hard, but let go, maybe permanently this time. He's unsure after 1 1/2 years, and there are people who are unsure even 5 years later and so on. Feelings don't just vanish, but if they're with someone new it's better to keep them away and everything that could remind one of them. Yes I do absolutely agree with you on this. I know it is scary. For me too. I got very hurt in the past when he left me and of course I do not want to open this pain up again. At the same time I don't feel at peace not speaking to him at all or knowing whether he got that job he wanted, seeing his artworks etc. My friends say just move on. Maybe I am weak or maybe they never met someone they really loved that much yet. I am not asking to meet him. I am not even sure I want to meet him again for this very reason. But I do want to be internet buddies and chat and talk sometimes. If one day we felt comfortable meeting then maybe cool but I am not pushing for any of that stuff. I really am not. I also don't want to be damaging his new vibe in life. I don't want more pain and hurt for him. of course I don't. But I feel like if we don't try the friends thing properly this time (i.e. now that along time has passed and those kind of love / romantic feelings are dead) then maybe I could be losing out on a really valuable friendship. I am thinking of just texting him and saying "I am gonna create a new facebook in the new year to re-connect with old friends. I would like it if I could add you and we could chat and stuff. Anyway I am not in London at the moment. Happy christmas and enjoy your new years eve.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 For example in the past when I still had those feelings I would of been pushing to meet and to rekindle romance. As of today I could never satisfy him sexually. I don't think I ever could. That was one of the things that made me break up. I don't think I would ever want a relationship like that with him agai because for me the pressure of trying to satisfy him would be more like work than love etc.
melell Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I just can't understand why you would want to engage in any of this after so much time has gone by. Him saying you had a good time sounds very 'end of an era' to me. If you two if a lot of history it is never going to be a close friendship- it is said, but it is pretty impossible to move past that and be completely platonic, let alone in close contact. If you are looking for things to just be good between you, with the odd 'hi how are you, good, thanks, bye' text, then it isn't worth posting about it on here, because that kind of friendship is kind of pointless/meaningless If you are looking for reconciliation, then just don't- keep moving forward- don't even waste your energy.
strive Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 The fact that you're obsessing what he means by the "x" or that you keep turning the meeting up/not meeting up angle in your mind means that you're not ready to be friends with him. You had 6 months NC, but clearly that isn't enough for you to let go completely. You'll know you're ready to be friends when you don't feel the need to ask LS "What do you guys think?"
BC1980 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I think you will find that this type of "friendship" is pointless. You can be on friendly terms with an ex but not be friends with them. If you see your ex out shopping, you can say hello. However, I don't see the point in enaging in a friendship where you text a random, "hello" now and again. I don't think you are going to get the kind of friendship you are looking for. My ex would always go on and on about how he was still friends with all his exes. These so called friendships consisted of him sending a Christmas card every year. I call that being on friendly terms. If that's what you want, go for it, but don't make it more than it is. Don't expect something from him that he can't give you.
nevergoodenough Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I guess I would prefer as I said to him admit that I still care for him and that this is normal. But at the same time I cannot be selfish and expect him to want to be with me again. So ultimately for me it would be easier to be friends and still care for one another but obviously have seperate lives etc than pretend like I dont care.\ Maybe decades ago without technology it was easier to never ever see or speak to them again. But in todays world I kinda feel after a lot of time and bad feelings die ex's can be friends. I think it is acceptable to love somebody and want to know they are well and talk to them. But at the same having admitted to yourself you both tried it as a relationship. It didn't work and therefore you go from there as friends. I have friends who have no contact with ex's and they are like me thinking about their ex's. I prefer my other friends who have made peace with each other and talk to their ex's and accept they will never be more than that. For me it is just ridiculous to pretend that you don't care or are curious about someone you really loved from along time ago. It doesn't mean I want a relationship with them as lovers again but I am curious about if they are well and happy in their lives. As I said it is easier for me at this point to be friends. I reached out to him. If it is not easier for him then obviously I have to accept that. But there is still ambiguity between us in a way. If somebody really hurt me would I want them back? I would be very unsure about it and exactly what had changed in them that meant they would not hurt me again. It's very clear to me based on what you wrote and the questions you are asking, you still have feelings for him. Basically you want to be friends in the hopes of getting back together. If this were truly about friendship, you wouldn't be friends with someone that doesn't want to be your friend. Either be honest with him about your feelings and see where you stand or stop wasting your time. Or you can continue and your heart will be smashed when you are the friend and he has a new gf. Were I you, I would be honest and risk it bc pretend friends is so lame when you love someone.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 I love him in a different way now.I know he will never get back with me. When we dated I was really messed up, screwed up and I really wasn't fit to be anyone's gf. Things have changed a lot and yes before I used to think I deserved a second chance. But as time has passed I know he won't go back there with me again. Even if I have changed a lot for the better and am one of the very few who means I have changed and would not just go back to bad ways once I got back with a partner. But as I said just seems so unecssary at this point in time to pretend like everything is fine between us i.e. no contact. I was actually shocked at his reply of saying almost we should not meet even when I did not ask him to meet me. It's like he is scared he still has feelings for me and if we meet they will hurt him again. I was suprised so much by this. I thought he would be totally passe and since we ended on good terms and wanted to be friends a while ago (like 8 months ago) he would accept my white flag.
BC1980 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 But as I said just seems so unecssary at this point in time to pretend like everything is fine between us i.e. no contact. I was actually shocked at his reply of saying almost we should not meet even when I did not ask him to meet me. It's like he is scared he still has feelings for me and if we meet they will hurt him again. I was suprised so much by this. I thought he would be totally passe and since we ended on good terms and wanted to be friends a while ago (like 8 months ago) he would accept my white flag. People change. Their feelings change. He wanted to be friends 8 months ago, but it doesn't matter at this point. It's just so hard to be friends with an ex because you have to start creating artificial boundaries instead of letting things happen organically. It's weird because you once had a deep, emotional connection that exists in the past. It's really difficult to see that person and not think of that connection and how it's different. People just deal with things differently. You just have to accept that it's the past. I would not try to reach out again.
r321148 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I'm going to go against the crowd a little. The general consensus seems to be never be friends with an ex: The person I consider my closest friend ....is an ex. She and I dated over 10 years ago. There is no romantic feeling between us. I have had long term relationships since and so has she and we've both been really and genuinely happy for each other. There is a connection there, but only in the same way as any of my other friends. We chat and give each other advice (yes even about relationships) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I also have another ex as a friend but she lives in New Zealand now. That one is slightly different as we only really talk every couple of months or so on Skype so it's not a close friendship. Again we have each gone through long term relationships since each other...she is in one now and I'm really happy for her. I put a lot of value on my friends so I don't go with the "why not get another friend" idea. However saying all of that. I am friends with them because I know I'm capable and I would never need to ask advice from anyone about whether it was a good idea or not. The fact you're asking shows you're not ready/sure and if either of these are true then you shouldn't be friends right now (if ever). I'd also know exactly what they meant in a message and not need to analyse it right down to the "x" on the end. In your case you sound like you've resigned yourself to the fact you won't get another chance..but you still want one. You can't be friends if you feel that way. I'd give it a lot more time (possibly indefinite) before you try to be friends again. It may just be a case that you two can't be friends...despite the fact I'm friends with 2 of my ex's they are still hugely outnumbered by ex's that I'm not friends with! 1
No Limit Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 But I feel like if we don't try the friends thing properly this time (i.e. now that along time has passed and those kind of love / romantic feelings are dead) then maybe I could be losing out on a really valuable friendship. Maybe, but that's a risk everyone takes in any relationship. You risked and who knows, maybe you lost already. MAYBE. Like I said, things get confusing a lot and both of you must speak clearly. No shyness, no "hmmm"'s, nothing of that really. Tell him that all you want is friendship, and see how he answers. @r321148 It works for you because you know there are no romantic feelings between you two, which is great and healthy for a relationship. But many people aren't that good with handling their feelings, even if at first they understand each other pretty well, things can always go wrong in a weak moment. This is something that must be avoided at all costs. At the very first "weird" feeling while being together for a while without any romantic intention, things mostly go down. And stuff like whole-hearted hugs and other minor behavior types couples do must also be avoided, even though it's a habit. It's not that easy, 2 ex-lovers have to re-create their entire senses so to say. I feel with you though, currently in love with a guy who's like a brother to me and I know he likes me a lot too. He has a girlfriend as of now and of course I'd never even think of disturbing that relationship, but even if he was single, I'd be too afraid. Loosing someone I like to be with that much, never. :-)
Author jamesjohn Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Thank you. You know when we dated I was completely crazy and drank so much alcohol and because of this my appearance, eating, health all went away because of it. I was too young and stupid. Now I am starting to learn how to take care of myself I hope to then be able to take care of somebody else too. I love him so much but I know I have not been sober long enough to date him even if he did want to date me again etc. Because any weakness or upset would risk me drinking and all the work I have done would be undone and our relationship would be back to no change. But because he won't meet me for coffee or something it is incredibly difficult to convey this to him. I basically want him to know I love him. But I understand he did not wait and I know why should he. But that I love him and care for him but I know we cannot be together because although he is wrong and things have changed I need a lot more time to fix myself. I know if I could get contact and we could meet he still has the feelings for me locked away in his heart somewhere. But I really don't want to open pandora's box with him because I know if I did it now one day I would be weak and drink again. Then all the pain and the relationship would fall apart. Then that is both of us hurt again and no hope of any kind of relationship. Maybe it is selfish but you get no points in life for being a nice guy on your death bed. So I prefer to be a little selfish and try to be friends with him. Because for me because I care for him I cannot live my whole life not knowing him. I have a very difficult task in constructing a friendship with him but maintaing no emotional outbursts etc.
stillafool Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 You are still in love with your Ex. He probably knows this and that is why you two cannot be friends. You can be cordial with each other like when you see each other out (with other dates) you can speak. Other than that I don't see a reason for you to be his "friend". Why? I don't think you could handle getting together with him and his new girlfriend and not feeling anything. That's what it would take for you two to be friends. After 18 months of NC you are on a forum talking about him. You are not ready to be his friend. After 18 months of NC why do you want to mess that up be opening the door for an ex boyfriend. You should have moved on to someoone else by now. I'm sure he has. Just leave him alone. You are feeding his ego and chasing after him. Stop it and move on.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 He had a fling with some guy but is single again now.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Imagine the scenario. You date somebody and you fall in love with them. But this person starts to drink more and more and gets crazier and crazier. It makes you unhappy so you love them but leave them... Imagine instead of this crazy person just moving on he gets better and changes his behaviour for the better. You don't think that the person would like him for the changes.
strive Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 But is it really just the drinking? Or is the drinking (and its results) only the last straw of a lot of other compounded things? Somehow from what I read I think you really have changed a lot and you're willing to give everything just to make it work. But what you have to accept is that it's no longer up to you. Even if you've done a complete 180, you're now the perfect person for your ex and capable of going the distance with him if only he'd let you, the fact remains. It's not up to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I believe that becoming genuinely happy without him would be more beneficial for you.
Author jamesjohn Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Well he told me the reasons we broke up were he hated my lifestyle. Everything! The drinking. The smoking. The not taking care of my body. The recklessness. All of the above I attribute to alcoholism. Once I drink I don't eat. I smoke. I don't go to the gym. I don't do make up. I don't get my hair cut. I don't buy clothes and take care of my appearance. I disintegrate and fall apart. Also our sex life was terrible in the end. I had some problems with that too and he loves sex A LOT. Me too. Yes actually I attribute everything to the alcoholism. Because once I stopped nothing changed. Not for a while. I am still in the cycle of alcohol even when I stop drinking. I still am in love with the drug. But then months and months and months down the line things do begin to change. First I start becoming interested in fashion and clothes. Then I start to want to become fit and work out so I join a gym. Then I get interested in make up again and get my hair cut and start caring about my appearance. Then I start cleaning up where I live and start buying soaps and living in a clean and fresh room etc. Believe me with alcohol all of this does not exist. Just the bones of me. So I do truly believe it was the alcoholism. I am also a guy. I know you assumed I was a girl but I am talking about a gay relationship here. I don't buy a lot of make up just undetectable powder foundation so my skin looks perfect.
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