What have I done?

[charlzyd]

I am a terrible person. Just a bit of context...

 

I've been dating my SO for just over two years. We've had lots of ups and downs and even broke up just over a year ago because of severe emotional abuse on his behalf. But several months later, I took him back. We are now living together again and have been for four months.

 

But since moving back in together, things have taken a turn for the worse and I have been doubting our relationship and its longevity. We have serious incompatibilities and our long-term goals are at complete odds to each other. So I've been feeling pretty down lately and wondering if I should end things...

 

... and while thinking all of this I've been flirting with a couple of guys from my gym on Facebook and telling them about my relationship woes. I've had a bit of a lifestyle change in the past six months where I have become super passionate about weightlifting and eating healthy with the goal to compete in a figure modelling competition next year. I've been dedicating a lot of time to this but unfortunately my SO does not support it. He'll even make comments that if I start 'looking like a man, he'll dump me'. So, with that in mind, and the fact we never have sex anymore and are never particularly intimate, and that my SO has no idea how to communicate with me to resolve conflict, I've been feeling pretty bad about myself lately. So when these guys at my gym made contact and told me how amazing I look, I totally lapped it up. And I didn't stop it. It felt great to have people tell me how good I'm looking when my partner wasn't saying anything.

 

Unfortunately, as harmless as I thought these conversations were, there was one particular person who took things 'over the line' and a lot of the things he said to me were quite sexual in nature. I never reciprocated with similar comments, but I didn't tell him to stop either. You can probably see what's coming, but my SO went on my Facebook while I was away one night and saw everything. And he is absolutely gutted as you can imagine.

 

I don't know what I was thinking... I guess I wasn't thinking. But despite my doubts about the relationship, it was NEVER my intention to hurt or humiliate my SO. I honestly thought I was just having a bit of harmless fun and I was always very clear to these guys that I would NEVER cheat on my SO. But then what is cheating these days. There are so many mediums of communication it's hard to draw the line. But I am at a loss of what to do. I have hurt someone I love and care deeply about and I don't know if he will ever trust me again or forgive me. I am desperate to make amends, whether our relationship works out or not, and to try and right the wrongs I have committed.

 

There are no excuses for my behaviour. I am responsible for my actions and I understand that, and I utterly despise myself for the hurt I have caused my SO. My SO has gone to work (despite my attempts to keep him at home to talk) but I won't be going into work today. I don't know if I should go and stay with my parents and give him space, or if I should stay and try to talk to him when he gets home?

 

I can't believe what I've done... why does it take situations and heartbreak like this to make us realise what we're doing can actually have an impact on people? How could I be so blind?

[Elliotte]

Based on how remorseful you sound in this, you obviously see how hurtful this was to him and realize your error. But when you talk about how verbally abusive and non-supportive he is in your pursuits, it seems a bit more reasonable as to why you fell into this behavior. If you can't turn to your SO for support and positive reinforcement on something that is obviously beneficial to your health, who can you turn to? Everyone seeks out positive feedback in what they're passionate about!

 

I certainly dislike people who flirt with others and lead them on because they've gotten complacent with their SO's compliments, but you are far from that. Your boyfriend should be the one who compliments you the most, if he isn't, he needs to know that he ought to be!

[Balzac]

You sound young and yet you've blown two years on an abuser. I'd say you were not motivated to end it so you acted out / making sure he'd find out.

Not sure that makes you bad / weak for certain.

[charlzyd]

Based on how remorseful you sound in this, you obviously see how hurtful this was to him and realize your error. But when you talk about how verbally abusive and non-supportive he is in your pursuits, it seems a bit more reasonable as to why you fell into this behavior. If you can't turn to your SO for support and positive reinforcement on something that is obviously beneficial to your health, who can you turn to? Everyone seeks out positive feedback in what they're passionate about!

 

I certainly dislike people who flirt with others and lead them on because they've gotten complacent with their SO's compliments, but you are far from that. Your boyfriend should be the one who compliments you the most, if he isn't, he needs to know that he ought to be!

 

I am incredibly remorseful. I absolutely hate myself for the pain I have caused my SO and it's killing me that there really isn't anything I can do to make things better. But you're right. I have felt so unsupported and belittled by my SO for a long time and unfortunately all my efforts to talk to him about this have failed. But it still doesn't make what I did OK. I should have just tried to be more honest with him and ended things before they got to this stage. But I was so afraid of breaking his heart I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It seemed easier for me to just stay with him and be miserable myself than end things and see him be miserable. Kinda messed up really but that was always my thinking.

 

I think I need to really be honest with myself and look into why I place so much importance on receiving compliments from people to feel good about myself. And most of all I need to be honest with my SO. I know I stuffed up and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but we also need to figure out if this relationship is worth saving.

[charlzyd]

You sound young and yet you've blown two years on an abuser. I'd say you were not motivated to end it so you acted out / making sure he'd find out.

Not sure that makes you bad / weak for certain.

 

Yes I'm 23... I guess I thought he would change and things would work out between us, that he deserved a second chance and all that (although really I gave him like four or five) ... And I'll admit, things were much better between us when we first got back together. But everything has just taken a turn for the worse since moving back in together.

 

I did want to end it. And I had told him in the past that I had doubts about our relationship. I just didn't know how to go through with it without totally crushing him. Doing it once was hard enough. And also because I still love him and even though I knew it wasn't going to work out, the thought of not having him in my life anymore just left me empty inside.

 

I think I am weak. I should have had the courage to end things sooner before it got to this point. At least then my SO would still have his dignity and self worth. But I was selfish and now we are both paying the ultimate price. I am disgusted with myself.

[gabgab]

You are being way too hard on yourself.

 

Most men that cheat nowadays have perfectly lovely gf's or wives that aren't abusive and they feel very little of the amount of remorse you are experiencing. Its very obvious you feel bad but cut yourself some slack...you are in a terrible relationship. You've been trapped into a relationship with an emotionally abusive man who doesn't support you, is mean and degrades your self esteem. Ive been in that kind of relationship before for nearly 2 years so I really get how being with a guy like that makes you feel like SH** about yourself. While I didnt cheat in my similar relationship, yeah I looked around and entertained one guy for a month but never went through with anything. Its natural to look at others when your relationship is fulfilling basic needs for support and affection. You ever hear men say "Well she wasn't giving me enough sex" when they cheat on their gfs? Your boyfriend wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs. They are JUST as important as sexual needs. So yeah, Im surprised you haven't cheated sooner.

 

You just need to find the courage to end the baaaad relationship you are in now. Once you move on and date someone more normal and agreeable, you'll be so much happier. If you end up like me, in the future you will be disgusted with yourself that you wasted your prime years on such a terrible jackass.

[charlzyd]

You are being way too hard on yourself.

 

Most men that cheat nowadays have perfectly lovely gf's or wives that aren't abusive and they feel very little of the amount of remorse you are experiencing. Its very obvious you feel bad but cut yourself some slack...you are in a terrible relationship. You've been trapped into a relationship with an emotionally abusive man who doesn't support you, is mean and degrades your self esteem. Ive been in that kind of relationship before for nearly 2 years so I really get how being with a guy like that makes you feel like SH** about yourself. While I didnt cheat in my similar relationship, yeah I looked around and entertained one guy for a month but never went through with anything. Its natural to look at others when your relationship is fulfilling basic needs for support and affection. You ever hear men say "Well she wasn't giving me enough sex" when they cheat on their gfs? Your boyfriend wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs. They are JUST as important as sexual needs. So yeah, Im surprised you haven't cheated sooner.

 

You just need to find the courage to end the baaaad relationship you are in now. Once you move on and date someone more normal and agreeable, you'll be so much happier. If you end up like me, in the future you will be disgusted with yourself that you wasted your prime years on such a terrible jackass.

 

You make my SO sound like the worst person in the world... Yes, it's not the best relationship, but my SO is not a bad person. He's done bad things and made many mistakes, but he still has many wonderful qualities and I still consider him to be a good person. Just a very lost person with many demons that he hasn't been able to control/get rid of.

 

Am I now a cheater for what I have done? Even though I barely knew these people and had only ever met them once or twice in person? I just find it really difficult to swallow that I could now be labelled a 'cheater'. I have always been against cheating and have no sympathy for others who choose this path. But now it seems I have been branded one. I feel disgusted.

 

Even if my SO decided he wanted to make things work and forgave me, I really don't know what to do. I love him so much and I care for him so much. But I'm not happy. But I don't know if I can end things either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. Because I know I'll be devastated without him. I don't know how to be alone and it terrifies me...

[gabgab]

You make my SO sound like the worst person in the world... Yes, it's not the best relationship, but my SO is not a bad person. He's done bad things and made many mistakes, but he still has many wonderful qualities and I still consider him to be a good person. Just a very lost person with many demons that he hasn't been able to control/get rid of.

 

Am I now a cheater for what I have done? Even though I barely knew these people and had only ever met them once or twice in person? I just find it really difficult to swallow that I could now be labelled a 'cheater'. I have always been against cheating and have no sympathy for others who choose this path. But now it seems I have been branded one. I feel disgusted.

 

Even if my SO decided he wanted to make things work and forgave me, I really don't know what to do. I love him so much and I care for him so much. But I'm not happy. But I don't know if I can end things either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. Because I know I'll be devastated without him. I don't know how to be alone and it terrifies me...

 

I wouldnt say the worst person in the world, but the way you describe him it sounds like you are unhappy with him and hes a bad boyfriend.

 

When will women get through their heads loving/caring about a guy doesnt make him care for you more or treat you better...?

 

The last sentence sums it up. You stay with him for fear of being alone. You can be alone and be strong. Im sure youd find another man anyway...you really wouldnt be single for that long Im sure. You just gotta find the courage...