Guy pulling back very suddenly

[evie88]

I've been dating a guy for about 3 months now and it started out great but very intense..we'd both been single for around a year following long term relationship break ups and had both said we were the first person to meet and really click with both as friends and chemistry-wise since the break up. I'd gotten over my ex but never thought I'd meet someone that matched the sexual chemistry and fun we had together as friends..till I met this guy!

 

He was really open from the start and we pretty much texted most the day every single day and spent most weekends together and a night in the week..so pretty full on but initiated mostly from him. Not in a clingy way we just genuinely enjoyed spending time together...still spent plenty of time with my friends and hobbies etc. He'd even asked me if I wanted to go on a holiday with him in the new year and he was always initiating long term plans, being very affectionate and although we'd never had the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' chat we'd said we weren't seeing other people and didn't plan on it.

 

Literally in the last week or so he has suddenly backed off from me big time..we still text daily but its pretty unenthusiastic and we've stopped going out and doing things together with him just coming over to my place...staying over but not being affectionate and basically feeling like a **** buddy! The sex is still good and I don't have any problems with casual relationships from the start but you can't go from getting really close to reverting back to **** buddy behaviour (turning up late, being distant etc)...His attitude as even changes before he was the sweetest guy I've met really considerate, emotionally intelligent and perceptive (for a guy!) and very respectful. But lately his whole attitude has changed it started with playful making fun out of each other stuff which used to be flirty but has turned to passive aggressive with him doing it constantly in combination with the pulling back.

 

I'm usually extremely reserved and it takes me a long time to get close to anyone, I've had casual relationships with no attachment for the past year and this is why this one has really done a number on me as I can't work out the change. I don't understand how you can go off someone so suddenly. He's still texting daily but like I said just not being very nice or respectful and mostly sexually related texts.

 

I did wonder if maybe he's met someone else but I got the impression he'd have the decency to break it off with me and I haven't really picked up on any reasons to think he's seeing someone else.

 

I'm not sure whether my best course of action is to back off, give him some space and let him initiate all first contact or whether to have an open conversation with him but I think that might be too intense and make him pull back even further (for whatever reason he already is!).

 

I suggested we go out together at the weekend (so he didn't just come round my place) and he just said he wasn't sure he'd let me know nearer the time and being very elusive about any future plans so I've backed off and kind of ignoring him unless he contacts me but he's making me passive aggressive also as it starts with playful teasing and just ends up with is being pretty **** to each other but I don't want to look weak / oversensitive which is why I go along with it so that it still seems like we're joking!!

 

Any ideas...I'm really upset over this but don't want to push him away further by acting like stereotypical crazy woman...I don't want intense commitment from him just want to go back to how things were as we were having a nice time together ...now I'm not enjoying his company and am thinking/analysing things daily. I think he could tell the last time we saw each other I was pissed...he'd been less affectionate (usually really cuddly) so I pretty much rolled over after sex and turned my back on him whereas before I was still trying to be affectionate...he text the day after and seemed to be being sweet again so god knows he keeps switching but mostly he's just being a dick lately and I don't know why! ....I'm usually an independent, rational person 'relationships' seem to have the unique ability to turn anyone completely nuts! Advice welcome!

[DatingInYour40s]

Seems pretty common around the 3 month mark too. I would still hang in there, don't smother him but don't get all anxious around him either. Keep things fun. Make plans with your friends and live your life. He will either come around or not but hopefully you're not emotionally attached yet. That makes things complicated when they back off. Why do guys do this?

[Zahara]

So, when a guy isn't being very nice and is disrespecting you, and most of his contact is sexually driven, what would make you want to still stick around? Are you hoping he'll change and be that nice guy you first met?

 

The chase is over. This is what happens. It starts out fast and intense. It's never a good sign. Then the honeymoon period dies down. All the intensity is over and it isn't the same anymore. Now he just tolerates you because he can still have sex with you. He can still have you there as someone that can fulfil needs he may have.

 

The guy you met in the beginning was a facade. A face that he used to reel you in. Now that he has you and is probably bored, he can just show you who he really is. And who he is, is someone that disrespects you. Sadly, you will stick around hoping he'll come to his senses.

[evie88]

I am definitely emotionally attached already unfortunately ..its been a long time since I've even considered getting close to someone again because my last relationship was fairly horrific and a drain / waste of my early 20s! This guy initially seemed to be the polar opposite of my ex but after reading the post further down on guys backing off after 'the chase' I think I've probably got a fairly good idea of whats happening. I just wish I'd spotted it a bit sooner! It's easier to have rose tinted glasses on when you really like someone though...

[Zahara]

I am definitely emotionally attached already unfortunately ..its been a long time since I've even considered getting close to someone again because my last relationship was fairly horrific and a drain / waste of my early 20s! This guy initially seemed to be the polar opposite of my ex but after reading the post further down on guys backing off after 'the chase' I think I've probably got a fairly good idea of whats happening. I just wish I'd spotted it a bit sooner! It's easier to have rose tinted glasses on when you really like someone though...

 

It's hard to spot "sooner". You get so caught up and you never really know who's there with genuine intentions and who isn't. Sometimes the flags don't start flying until you're deep into it. Unfortunately, it's a risk we all take as we take those first steps into a relationship. You're lucky you're seeing it so soon. I've had 6 - 9 month before things started cracking. By then emotionally invested and afraid to let go.

 

A relationship should progressing, not regressing. And 3 months is too soon for it to be going backwards.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm not really sure what you don't get about this...men do this all the time, this is pretty typical behavior.

 

He's simply just one of the guys that goes full throttle because he buries his head in your vagina and romances you like you're the best thing on the planet and he can't get enough of you but then he does because after several months, maybe longer maybe shorter then things are getting less exciting, a bit more predictable and boring and not so new and intense anymore so the dust starts to settle into a routine and now he's just simply showing who he really is...you didn't actually think this is how this guy would always be did you? you didn't actually think that was the real person right? oh dear...yeah, well sorry about that, for most guys it's just an act, a swooning and enamoring attack to make you feel "special"...and just because you felt a certain way didn't mean he felt the same way romantically, in fact you're not the first or the last he's been this way with and unfortunately you previously had poor detached sexual relationships (sounds very exciting btw) in the past so you clearly weren't prepared for this, but hey now you know!...you weren't conditioned towards that kind of behavior and treatment but don't worry there's plenty of those others guys that are just looking for sex around and not swooning you at the same time.

 

Doesn't matter how reserved you are, doesn't matter how high your walls are or what kind of girl you are, that's just a challenge...a guy who has a few brain cells in the knowledge of women will know exactly how to get around that...so just because it works versus joe average doesn't mean it's going to work with all men.

 

There's not much you can do because this is extremely likely this guys pattern and there's nothing even different about it for him, highly doubt he's looking for a commitment...and he's probably already getting over it, now that the challenge and chase is off and he just come on over and put it in you at his hearts delight, I'm sure that's what he's going to continue to want to do at this point...until the next best thing comes along, then he'll do the same thing with her.

 

I could tell you exactly how to get back under this guys skin but I'm not here to help people manipulate others, but I'm telling what the guy is doing, that should be enough for you to figure out to move on but it won't be.

 

He's going to continue backing away, he's already got you hooked...he's basically put in the work and guess what, now you'll always thrive off that memory and experience of how things were from here on out thinking you can recapture that fake guy...until you finally get fed up over it after the tenth time of "giving him the benefit of the doubt" or "giving the relationship a chance" or whatever you want to call it.

 

He's burned himself out, gotten over the new car fresh smell of a vagina he's never had before and now he's just going to put in just enough effort to keep you on the line and if you try to back away I'm sure he'd reapply the pressure once again.

 

This is simply a Monday on LoveShack, there's plenty of women going through the same thing with a "different" guy, having the same "confusing" things done to her.

 

If you want to say your piece, open your mouth...you can't scare a guy away that isn't serious about you unless you act truly nuts, so stop being insecure and trying to do all the right things just so you don't chase the guy off...a guy who's never had his feet in the door anyway, so no matter what you do he's not going to stick around anyway....but play the game with him, I'm sure he's prepared if not excitedly waiting for it to spice things back up again....after all, gotta love that make-up sex right?

 

It's amazing to me how women don't catch on to the simple and repetitive tactics of men, but it's clear they do not...in spite of this happening all day everyday there's always plenty who still fall for it...it's unbelievable...gotta love them emotions.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry, but he has decided your role with him is as a ****buddy, and so that is how he is treating you. Only comes over for sex. Doesn't treat you well or care about your feelings, and gives minimal effort to anything with you. He acts like an ass because he doesn't see you being long-term, and doesn't value the relationship as anything more than a ****buddy. Sorry to say, but you've allowed yourself to be put in that role. I would suggest dumping the guy. He's obviously not interested in having a real relationship with you.

[start at the end]

Evie, I'm in pretty much the same situation. It's so frustrating!

 

I tried talking to my guy about him being distant two weeks ago, but he's not much of a talker. Our date the following night and the next morning were great though, just like things were in the beginning...but things then reverted...and they're even worse now.

[evie88]

Ninjainpajamas - not very delicately put but truthful and good advice to be fair...and probably what I knew in my head, but as I said 'relationships' can turn the best people nuts and not make you take advice that you would clearly give others!

 

I've always gone out with 'bad boys' who were at least open and obvious from the start, which is probably why I interpreted him being like this as being a genuinely nice person! ...He certainly doesn't come across as a player and I'm not convinced he's even done this on purpose it's probably just the way things work.

 

I think you're right in saying that if he is invested an open conversation isn't going to scare him away and I'm sure I could hold his interest if I was willing to play games but it's all going to lead to the same conclusion just drag things out and make me feel worse in the end. I'm just terrible at communicating my feelings and explaining myself properly and want to explain things to him but not sound needy or too intense.

[Treasa]

Well, for God's sake, stop having sex with him. If you're emotionally invested, stop sleeping with him immediately.

 

And then, go about your life. Become too busy for him. I don't know about you, but I don't have time for some idiot who's acting like this. Go out with your friends, stop contacting him, and only accept contact if he's being nice and decent. Definitely mirror his actions and give him more space than he's showing he wants.

 

He'll either straighten out by you showing him what treatment you're ok with it, or he'll ship out. Either way, no more guessing games for you.

[mina1687]

I'm not really sure what you don't get about this...men do this all the time, this is pretty typical behavior.

 

He's simply just one of the guys that goes full throttle because he buries his head in your vagina and romances you like you're the best thing on the planet and he can't get enough of you but then he does because after several months, maybe longer maybe shorter then things are getting less exciting, a bit more predictable and boring and not so new and intense anymore so the dust starts to settle into a routine and now he's just simply showing who he really is...you didn't actually think this is how this guy would always be did you? you didn't actually think that was the real person right? oh dear...yeah, well sorry about that, for most guys it's just an act, a swooning and enamoring attack to make you feel "special"...and just because you felt a certain way didn't mean he felt the same way romantically, in fact you're not the first or the last he's been this way with and unfortunately you previously had poor detached sexual relationships (sounds very exciting btw) in the past so you clearly weren't prepared for this, but hey now you know!...you weren't conditioned towards that kind of behavior and treatment but don't worry there's plenty of those others guys that are just looking for sex around and not swooning you at the same time.

 

Doesn't matter how reserved you are, doesn't matter how high your walls are or what kind of girl you are, that's just a challenge...a guy who has a few brain cells in the knowledge of women will know exactly how to get around that...so just because it works versus joe average doesn't mean it's going to work with all men.

 

There's not much you can do because this is extremely likely this guys pattern and there's nothing even different about it for him, highly doubt he's looking for a commitment...and he's probably already getting over it, now that the challenge and chase is off and he just come on over and put it in you at his hearts delight, I'm sure that's what he's going to continue to want to do at this point...until the next best thing comes along, then he'll do the same thing with her.

 

I could tell you exactly how to get back under this guys skin but I'm not here to help people manipulate others, but I'm telling what the guy is doing, that should be enough for you to figure out to move on but it won't be.

 

He's going to continue backing away, he's already got you hooked...he's basically put in the work and guess what, now you'll always thrive off that memory and experience of how things were from here on out thinking you can recapture that fake guy...until you finally get fed up over it after the tenth time of "giving him the benefit of the doubt" or "giving the relationship a chance" or whatever you want to call it.

 

He's burned himself out, gotten over the new car fresh smell of a vagina he's never had before and now he's just going to put in just enough effort to keep you on the line and if you try to back away I'm sure he'd reapply the pressure once again.

 

This is simply a Monday on LoveShack, there's plenty of women going through the same thing with a "different" guy, having the same "confusing" things done to her.

 

If you want to say your piece, open your mouth...you can't scare a guy away that isn't serious about you unless you act truly nuts, so stop being insecure and trying to do all the right things just so you don't chase the guy off...a guy who's never had his feet in the door anyway, so no matter what you do he's not going to stick around anyway....but play the game with him, I'm sure he's prepared if not excitedly waiting for it to spice things back up again....after all, gotta love that make-up sex right?

 

It's amazing to me how women don't catch on to the simple and repetitive tactics of men, but it's clear they do not...in spite of this happening all day everyday there's always plenty who still fall for it...it's unbelievable...gotta love them emotions.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself!! I need to re-read this many times, because you're so dead on with what you've said. I loved the part about not being able to scare him away if he's truly serious unless you act truly nuts. I suffer with that all the time, wondering whether I should say something or keep my mouth shut, because I'm nervous that if I do say something it could totally scare him off. However, I try and keep in mind that if I am myself and express myself and he's serious then it won't make a difference.

 

Great advise and very worth following!

[winny]

This guy is not good. That's all I can say.

 

Sometimes we keep on ignoring obvious signs to make the relationship work. And think if we confront him it will chase him away.

 

But every time I have done that... the relationships have only failed.

 

These are not the signs of a healthy relationship.

 

You have to pull back and go away with your dignity intact.

[DALIFAN]

evie88:

 

First of all I do believe that your gut feeling is right. You probably know the answer to your "problem" better than any of us here. Just listen to yourself.

 

Now my 2 cents to your situation:

there definitely is a reason for him pulling back. Now the reason I don't know. He might have met somebody else, or he might have realized after the excitement of the honeymoon phase that he isn't really into you, something happened between you and him that scared him off, something complicated is going on in his life... I'm not sure. But one thing I AM SURE ABOUT is if a guy seriously likes you you will feel it. The time he has time to spend with you he will make you feel like a lady.

Right now it seems like he is using you. He knows he can have sex with you and what guy would wanna give up on an "arrangement" like that?

 

I am really sorry, I don't want to sound harsh, but that's what I think. but again I might be completely wrong.

 

 

One more thing, it feels like you try REALLY REALLY hard not to come off as clingy not wanting to scare him off. But by constantly worrying about how your actions would make him feel you forget about yourself and end up "Hurting" yourself.

People will love you the way you love yourself. You seem to really like this guy, but you should love yourself first. You have every right to ask him why he has been acting differently lately. Asking him that once (hell even twice) is NOT clingy at all, it's self preservation that IS necessary.

 

You don't deserve the way he treats you right now.

 

Keep your head high! I'm rooting for you.

[evie88]

evie88:

 

First of all I do believe that your gut feeling is right. You probably know the answer to your "problem" better than any of us here. Just listen to yourself.

 

Now my 2 cents to your situation:

there definitely is a reason for him pulling back. Now the reason I don't know. He might have met somebody else, or he might have realized after the excitement of the honeymoon phase that he isn't really into you, something happened between you and him that scared him off, something complicated is going on in his life... I'm not sure. But one thing I AM SURE ABOUT is if a guy seriously likes you you will feel it. The time he has time to spend with you he will make you feel like a lady.

Right now it seems like he is using you. He knows he can have sex with you and what guy would wanna give up on an "arrangement" like that?

 

I am really sorry, I don't want to sound harsh, but that's what I think. but again I might be completely wrong.

 

 

One more thing, it feels like you try REALLY REALLY hard not to come off as clingy not wanting to scare him off. But by constantly worrying about how your actions would make him feel you forget about yourself and end up "Hurting" yourself.

People will love you the way you love yourself. You seem to really like this guy, but you should love yourself first. You have every right to ask him why he has been acting differently lately. Asking him that once (hell even twice) is NOT clingy at all, it's self preservation that IS necessary.

 

You don't deserve the way he treats you right now.

 

Keep your head high! I'm rooting for you.

 

Thanks for the kind words and advice ...I guess the reason I want to be careful about how I react / voice my concerns is because I've got a pretty big guard up from my previous relationship and I'm sometimes concerned that I'm being hypersensitive or overanalysing things and go out of my way to try act aloof probably to try keep my ego / dignity in tact! He's not done anything terrible its just been a combination of small things all at once - decrease in contact, affection and constant passive aggressive teasing. We always had a joke around with each other but it was balanced with compliments and nice, respectful behaviour! Now it just seems to be constant put downs/cockiness but still in a 'joking' kind of way and I've been going along with it and 'joking' back and I then get unsure about whether he's even aware he's being a dick or its just me!

 

I responded in completely the wrong way last night, he'd started with the cocky, arrogant jibes again so I just said 'i know i said I used to like bad boys / dickheads but there's a reason they are all exes!' ...He responded by saying he was a 'loveable dickhead' and I said 'I hadn't noticed this quality - I think prefer the nice version of you present until recently!' ..he didn't reply! we have / had plans to see each other at the weekend (I think!) so I'm going to talk to him face to face or if he doesn't get in touch before than go with my gut and get rid of him. I know I've not handled this in the best way though and have come across as passive aggressive and critical myself instead of waiting to have a proper conversation.....

[tlegend]

I responded in completely the wrong way last night, he'd started with the cocky, arrogant jibes again so I just said 'i know i said I used to like bad boys / dickheads but there's a reason they are all exes!' ...He responded by saying he was a 'loveable dickhead' and I said 'I hadn't noticed this quality - I think prefer the nice version of you present until recently!'

 

This whole exchange: textbook passive aggressive