starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I am beyond pissed today. My blood is boiling, heart is racing, face is beat red. I was doing so well, until this past weekend. Something snapped in me and I am ANGRY!!!! I tried my best to get out of this mood. Went to church with my son and then we spent the rest of the day putting up the x-mas tree yesterday. Saturday my son and I ran errands and cooked dinner, and just had mommy and son quality time. Pissed off for the following reasons. These are the things he said to me when we were together. How can a person hurt you so bad by completely shutting you out, cheat on you with the "ex-fiance" and so on: I love you I have never felt this way about any woman I never bought any woman flowers (he did for me) I am his other half I am his soul mate I am his best friend He told me he is dependant on me He tells me everything The most meaningful sex he ever had Introduced me to his family Said many times he was tired of hiding me and just wanted to show me off to the world, and how happy I make him I would walk on glass for you I would do anything for you I miss you when you are not here I am beautiful, and he would tell me that everyday (except towards the end) He wants children with me He wants to marry me, and has pictured our marriage many times in his head. His son and my son would get along great He wants to grow old with me, sit outside in the morning, drink coffee and read the paper when were are old and gray. Than he would say the following: I don't understand him or his life He is a bad guy He is not what I am looking for He does things his way (ride or die type of lifestyle, basically street survival) Someday we will sit down and he will tell me everything Ugghhh, he confused the SH%T out of me. From one extreme to the other, night and day. From complete happiness to complete shut down. I know he is bad for me, but you just can't help where your head takes you at times. I used this on him a few times - I feel like I am swimming upstream and all you do is throw me logs with splinters on them. 7 days full NC today. This is ridiculous that my life and brain are being consumed by him!!! He doesn't give a rats a$$ about me anymore. Last conversation we had he said that he does care and love me, but he needs to fix his life, he is a bad dude, and he's gotta do what he's gotta do. Than said he would call in a few days, which he never did. I didn't expect a call, and actually happy he didn't because I would have cracked.
yellowmaverick Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 How old is he? He sounds very immature.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 He is 32, and I am 37.....and yes immature is a good word.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Sounds like my xmom - similar things said (my xmom is the same age - 37). "I would walk on glass for you" = "I would lay down in front of traffic for you" means nothing, sorry to say. I am sorry you are dealing with this - it sucks.
Owl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Words are words...and actions tell the truth. He TOLD you a good many things. His ACTIONS said much more about his personality and character. At this point, you're best served by channeling that anger into 'getting past' him. Block him from any potential ways of contacting you if he slips and chooses to resume the affair. 5
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Yes, I have told him a hundred times - Actions speak louder than words. In fact, I told him he should have that tattoed on his body. He always did that to me, told me wonderful things that of course I wanted to hear, but never follow through. I am trying to channel my anger in other ways. I am working out, cleaning, trying to focus on work, spending as much good quality time with my son, but it's a bump in the road for me. All my energy used to go to him unfortunately.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Whenever we allow another, to validate our very existence, we are setting ourselves up for a fall. A healthy person, after a breakup, accepts that all the flowery things said during a relationship is in the past and leaves it there. No longer relevant. Just as we, change our views/thoughts/feelings...others are allowed to as well. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 He is 32, and I am 37.....and yes immature is a good word. His words are like words of a player. I never bought any woman flowers (he did for me) 32 years old and never bought any woman flowers? Find that hard to believe. Anyway, be mad, it'll help you see him for who he is, the reality of him vs who he led you to believe he was. Being mad is part of the stages you need to go through so you can fully heal. Though I do think putting that bad energy into something good - Whether it be going to the gym or even renovating (helping someone out, tear down a wall or two) or as you say, cleaning. 1
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 His words are like words of a player. 32 years old and never bought any woman flowers? Find that hard to believe. Anyway, be mad, it'll help you see him for who he is, the reality of him vs who he led you to believe he was. Being mad is part of the stages you need to go through so you can fully heal. Though I do think putting that bad energy into something good - Whether it be going to the gym or even renovating (helping someone out, tear down a wall or two) or as you say, cleaning. Oh, I did paint! I painted my house last weekend, kept my mind busy and it was nice.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Whenever we allow another, to validate our very existence, we are setting ourselves up for a fall. A healthy person, after a breakup, accepts that all the flowery things said during a relationship is in the past and leaves it there. No longer relevant. Just as we, change our views/thoughts/feelings...others are allowed to as well. I am sorry, but I do not agree with you. #1 I never needed him to validate my existance, it was nice to have him in my life. I was fine before he came in and I will be fine after. Sure, easier said than done with leaving things in the past, but guess what, those were real words and real emotions. You can't turn off emotions like a switch unless you are a monster who does not care. I am not sitting in pity wondering why or who.....I am stating that this man told me everything I wanted to hear and than bailed. Yes, I have every right to be angry.
Quiet Storm Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 When someone tells you they are a bad person, you should always believe them. It is an important clue as to the type of person they are. They know they are not capable of being the person you want or deserve, or they have no desire to try & improve themselves. A lot of personality disordered people and addicts say this. They have no hope for themselves. They have disappointed and hurt the people they love time & time again. They don't see themselves as an evolving & maturing person, capable of improvement & change. They see themselves as damaged, and may even pity those that love them. But they'll never feel sorry enough to change. They are basically saying "You are stupid to have faith in me, as I have no faith in myself". It's sad, but you can't help people like this. You just have to stay away from them, as they will use you, hurt you, lie to you, etc. And then when you try to hold them accountable, they say things like "What did you expect?", "I told you I was a bad person", "I don't deserve you". Love or romantic connection will never change someone's core character. You cannot love someone into being a good person.
KathyM Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 As others have said, he told you he was bad. That he didn't deserve you. You need to start repeating that to yourself (that he is bad and doesn't deserve you). Keep up the negative self talk about this man whenever you start to miss him or remember anything positive about him, and that will strengthen your resolve to stay away from him. It is when we overlook the negative, and only focus on the positive, that we talk ourselves into relationships that are not good for us or are damaging to us. 1
Snipercatt Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Starry, I can tell that you have a keen mind and you know the drill. There's no way but through the heartbreak. Feelings developed and now you have to learn coping skills to unwind them. Painting, and doing things with your son, are great examples. In the future, before you invest your heart, notice the difference between someone who tells you what you want to hear and someone who follows through. Guard your heart if all you are hearing is, "I love you, I have never felt this way about any women, You are my other half, my soul mate", etc., etc. This are words where the proof lies in the doing. You stated, "I am stating that this man told me everything I wanted to hear and then bailed". He didnt do anything to show you off to the world, etc. He could be the "good guy" until enough time had passed for you to know that he wasn't honoring his word, then things began to fall apart. The fact that he doesn't intend to honor his word does make him the "bad guy." Believe someone when they tell you who/what they are. I'm sorry for your pain, I know your heart is breaking. He is a thug for misleading you.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I am sorry, but I do not agree with you. #1 I never needed him to validate my existance, it was nice to have him in my life. I was fine before he came in and I will be fine after. Sure, easier said than done with leaving things in the past, but guess what, those were real words and real emotions. You can't turn off emotions like a switch unless you are a monster who does not care. I am not sitting in pity wondering why or who.....I am stating that this man told me everything I wanted to hear and than bailed. Yes, I have every right to be angry. Why then are you so angry over those words, if you didn't use them to validate you. Why list them? It almost seems like you are listing them to hold him accountable to fulfill them. Like an IOU of sorts. Not sure of your affair dynamic. If this is an affair, then at least one of you was already in a committed relationship. So, those same sentiments were said to another and then bailed on. So, you understood that emotions were turned off, to facilitate the affair and someone else was being hurt. We are funny creatures....humans. We have the capacity to hurt others and at the same time be indignant when the very same thing is done to us. We hold others more accountable for their actions than we do our own. Focusing on what was said/not said/given/not given by the other party, is putting the focus on the only thing we can not change..the other party. A waste of time and resources. Focusing on why, what he said....carried so much weight for you..that you freely entered into a toxic relationship would be of more benefit. Why were those splintered logs okay? Why did you swim upstream for so long? You want to be able, to see this sh*t a mile away next time. Be so aware of yourself and others...that those red flags are like neon signs above their heads that only you can see. 2
Snipercatt Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If Starry is like me, she listed those things in order to show herself, and maybe others, how contradictory his words were, versus his action. Like me, she may believe that a person's word is their bond and she is dismayed that someone can throw such committed words around without follow through. I don't think she listed those things for validation. The remainder of that post, and her other posts seem to show she is rooted in reality.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 If Starry is like me, she listed those things in order to show herself, and maybe others, how contradictory his words were, versus his action. Like me, she may believe that a person's word is their bond and she is dismayed that someone can throw such committed words around without follow through. I don't think she listed those things for validation. The remainder of that post, and her other posts seem to show she is rooted in reality. Thanks Snipercatt, I couldn't have said it better myself. I just wanted to put into words the ridiculouness that I listened to. I am not blaming him or myself. I needed to see it, read it, and absorb it. There were times where he came chasing after me, in tears, trying to prove he was a good guy and loved me. 6 months of chasing me to all of a sudden an "oops, I really am a bad guy sorry" Crazy making behavior. Luckily I have the good sense to realize it, and not go chasing after him.
ponchsox Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Words don't mean ****. Actions speak volumes.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If Starry is like me, she listed those things in order to show herself, and maybe others, how contradictory his words were, versus his action. Like me, she may believe that a person's word is their bond and she is dismayed that someone can throw such committed words around without follow through. I don't think she listed those things for validation. The remainder of that post, and her other posts seem to show she is rooted in reality. How do you give such weight (a persons word is their bond) to a person...who is actively cheating on another. That action...should...overthrow any thought that this person honours their word. Not to mention..the OP stated that she knew it was toxic..but continued to take hits. Ultimately, we are all responsible to have our OWN backs. Again, focusing any energy on the other person...solves nothing. Not now, not in the future. All one can do...is try to figure out why...logic was tossed aside for flowery words.
Snipercatt Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 How do you give such weight (a persons word is their bond) to a person...who is actively cheating on another. Perhaps because when they started dating, he lied about not being in R with his ex-fiancee and the truth wasn't apparent for over 4 months?
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 If he lied about his relationship status, then OP would not be an OW.
Cinnimon Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Starry, it's okay to be pissed. Your allowed to feel anyway you want or need. Hold onto that anger, use it to get you to that better place. You don't have to explain a thing. I'm sure most OW on here get it.
Author starryeyedsurprise Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 I went into this relationship without a clue to him being engaged. Yes, he told me he was temp living with ex until the lease runs out, and she is on the same page and knows they are done done done. It wasn't until many months later where I found her facebook page. I was looking for her because some of the things he was doing and saying did not make sense during our relationship. I found out she had "engaged" on her profile. So yes, he did propose to her at one time, which he forgot to mention to me. I was not the OW the whole time. I was blinded, stunned and completely shocked when I found this information out. We spent weekends together, nights, days, etc. If felt like a "normal" relationship. He would sleep by me once or twice a week. Not until I found out through facebook, did I know the truth. He actually had me convinced, all the way until last week, that nothing was going on. Like I said, he chased me, begged, showed up at my church, etc to prove to me that I was who he wanted, and that their relationship was over. Well, last week he admitted that he was on and off with her....so NO! I did not know for certain that I was the OW.
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