smuggy95 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 So I had a friend express interest. We had been hanging out, me checking out other girls and telling her about my crush on a mutual friend. All signs that I was not interested, right? but Anyways, she chose to ignore those signs. My crush kept trying to get us together one night, but in vague terms like 'I can set you up with someone who likes you' etc. I was kind of annoyed- this is my crush after all. I said "who is she trying to set me up with? and my friend said "me". And I said 'but that incestuous!" because she was like a sister to me. So she confessed she had feelings for me right then and asked me how I felt. Which ...should have been clear by my reaction. But I said I was flattered, but I enjoyed being friends. She said ok, now she can move on. She wanted to hang out the next day. I continued to act like how I usually do- checking out other girls. I was a little bit colder to her, just to make sure she didn't get mixed signals. She said I was really insensitive. What's the right way to draw boundaries with a friend you're not romantically into- how should I have been more sensitive??
Meadowgreen Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 So I had a friend express interest. We had been hanging out, me checking out other girls and telling her about my crush on a mutual friend. All signs that I was not interested, right? but Anyways, she chose to ignore those signs. My crush kept trying to get us together one night, but in vague terms like 'I can set you up with someone who likes you' etc. I was kind of annoyed- this is my crush after all. I said "who is she trying to set me up with? and my friend said "me". And I said 'but that incestuous!" because she was like a sister to me. So she confessed she had feelings for me right then and asked me how I felt. Which ...should have been clear by my reaction. But I said I was flattered, but I enjoyed being friends. She said ok, now she can move on. She wanted to hang out the next day. I continued to act like how I usually do- checking out other girls. I was a little bit colder to her, just to make sure she didn't get mixed signals. She said I was really insensitive. What's the right way to draw boundaries with a friend you're not romantically into- how should I have been more sensitive?? She's hurting because you rejected her, and she from her perspective doesn't understand why - you guys get on, have things in common, and she may have confused your talking about girls you fancy as a tactic to get her jealous (some dudes do that). Now you've told her you're not interested, she's trying to be mature about it while dealing with feeling ugly / unlovable / undateable / every negative feeling you could think of...able. Of COURSE her ego is going to hurt if you're checking out chicks like nothing's happened, like her confessing her heart to you is nothing. You're probably a great guy, hence why she's attracted to you, but understand that every time you go on about some chick you want to bang that ISN'T her, you're basically saying 'oh look, there goes yet another girl that's better than you, old pal of mine! Why the sadface? :/' Find someone else you can scope chicks out with, and let this girl heal and get over you. That's what a true friend would do. Don't be surprised as well if she falls off the radar for a little while. She has to prioritise her heart now, and being around you is not going to help. Sorry. Unrequited love is ****, for all concerned. 3
pink_sugar Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) So I had a friend express interest. We had been hanging out, me checking out other girls and telling her about my crush on a mutual friend. All signs that I was not interested, right? but Anyways, she chose to ignore those signs. My crush kept trying to get us together one night, but in vague terms like 'I can set you up with someone who likes you' etc. I was kind of annoyed- this is my crush after all. I said "who is she trying to set me up with? and my friend said "me". And I said 'but that incestuous!" because she was like a sister to me. So she confessed she had feelings for me right then and asked me how I felt. Which ...should have been clear by my reaction. But I said I was flattered, but I enjoyed being friends. She said ok, now she can move on. She wanted to hang out the next day. I continued to act like how I usually do- checking out other girls. I was a little bit colder to her, just to make sure she didn't get mixed signals. She said I was really insensitive. What's the right way to draw boundaries with a friend you're not romantically into- how should I have been more sensitive?? Actually it is not that obvious, even if you are looking at others. When my husband and I were just friends, he would tell me he found so-and-so attractive. However, people insisted we were more than "friends" given the amount of time we spent together. So one day I just came out and told him how I felt. Turns out he felt the same way. Now we've been married for 6 years! I recognize that obviously isn't the case for you though. Stop checking out girls in front of her firstly. A lot of times a girl will get that impression if you're spending a lot of time with her. She has feelings for you and you're purposely looking at other girls in front of her? Save that for when you're with your male friends. (I'm assuming you're a male) If you want to salvage this friendship at all, you need to apologize for the way you acted. You can easily show her how you feel by putting some space between you. If you're just going to be looking at other girls and giving her the cold shoulder, why did you agree to hang out? Grow up man, no offense. Edited December 10, 2013 by pink_sugar 1
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 You two should not have hung out the next day. Give it time. And, instead of being cold to her, tell her again, very kindly that you adore her ONLY as a friend and that you do not have romantic feelings for her, explain to her that if being friends is too hard right now, then maybe it's best to back off one another until she gets over you. Make it respectfully clear to her that you don't mean to hurt her feelings but she has to fully understand there's no hope for you two to get together as a couple. She 'heard' what you said, it's just her heart and emotions is behind what her mind knows and needs time to adjust. 1
Author smuggy95 Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Thanks you guys. Just to draw the correct picture, I'm a girl, and she's the more...'butch' of the two of us...but still, people are people and feelings are feelings, it doesn't change much. Maybe that makes it more clear why I thought we were just friends, especially since I confided to her just days before that I had a crush on a mutual friend. Deep down I know I shouldn't have checked other people out. But I was hanging out with someone else and she wanted to come along, and the guy we were with was initiating the check out. I should have told her that we needed space. But she said she wanted to go, and I thought if she wanted to go, then she must be able to handle it. I think from now on if something similar happens, whether it's crush someone has or if I have it...I think it's best to have a cool off period. Gracias! 2
pink_sugar Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Thanks you guys. Just to draw the correct picture, I'm a girl, and she's the more...'butch' of the two of us...but still, people are people and feelings are feelings, it doesn't change much. Maybe that makes it more clear why I thought we were just friends, especially since I confided to her just days before that I had a crush on a mutual friend. Deep down I know I shouldn't have checked other people out. But I was hanging out with someone else and she wanted to come along, and the guy we were with was initiating the check out. I should have told her that we needed space. But she said she wanted to go, and I thought if she wanted to go, then she must be able to handle it. I think from now on if something similar happens, whether it's crush someone has or if I have it...I think it's best to have a cool off period. Gracias! Thanks for clearing that up. I can see this is a slightly different scenario since you are also a girl, not a guy hanging out with a girl in a platonic way. Yeah, it just seems best if you spend some time apart so she knows you're serious and to give her some time. Best of luck to you! 1
Recommended Posts