Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Just out of curiosity, does your H know you're in IC? And if so, why does he think you're there? He knows yes. He knows I had a lot of sexual abuse in my childhood and that I've never talked to anyone about it. He thinks counselling of any kind is pointless and has always been vocal about that. But because I've been unable to sleep more than a few hours a night for the last ten years, our entire relationship, and there is no medical reason for that he agreed that maybe my past was partially to blame.. Bad dreams and such? Just anxiety. Whatever the reason for the insomnia medication does not work so he thought trying something else could only help. I didn't think he would be, but when I mentioned going to just try it out, he was incredibly supportive of that. Anyways all I told him about it is true, same as in real life, I just leave out any talk of the affair. In IC I'm talking about it all. I do not talk about my past though with anyone else so he does not even ask, unless I volunteer the info he does not ask anything about it.
peruano99 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If you have no intention of telling your husband and still stabbing him him in the back, then the perfect forum for you is a cheaters forum.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I've never said it would be easy to walk away. I would feel incredible pain if this was discovered and people were hurt as a direct result of my actions. The very reason I'm in IC. No, I don't want to change right now. But that could change tomorrow, I'm just trying to get myself in a position to understand why I'm doing it, why I don't want to stop and how I can better understand how to fix the situation to keep everyone safe. I want what I want, I've always taken what I wanted. If I wasn't aware that I may need to change I would just be continuing my life without talking about it at all. I don't need attacks it judgment, not because my skins not thick enough to take them, I can take it, it slides off me, mostly I'm concerned with it wasting time and space for real discussion. Why can some people do this and be fine with it? Why? And how often it happens, seems like a lot. And how it was discovered. Nobody has to reply, I thought some people might have input. If I have a personality disorder is there no point in even trying to figure that out? You are right I can't take a pill and 'feel' what someone else feels, so if I'm happy and nobody is hurt, everyone is living happy and we have no visible issues, what's my motivation to change? As it stands my only motivation is that is MIGHT one day be discovered. I don't want that so it's the only reason I see to consider change.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well, you have been given some very good advice, so what you do with it is your choice. If you need help later, let us know - otherwise I'm done with this thread. Good luck!
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Not sure what you are after. You clearly stated numerous times, you are not seeking to change your situation. So, to an outsider..it looks as though you are looking for tips on how to keep it covert. Personally, I am not interested in aiding, abetting or counsel you to Dday-proof your affair. Like everyone else here, you have choice. With your choice comes consequences..no one is immune.
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I agree. The space has made us closer :/ so yes it's not as easy as Id like. In all honestly I'd be happy if it last forever. He talks about us continuing in our forties, we are in our late twenties now. I just don't know if that's realistic and wonder if its more likely to be possible to last longer if we do try and distance from the emotional connection. Although that is my favourite part and I don't want to, these are just thoughts I'm having, things I'm considering. Some people do last 10-15-even 20 years. I don't have an end date for mine it lasts as long as it lasts.
Bryanp Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Do you feel that your husband deserves to be with a spouse who truly loves, respect and does not cheat on him behind his back? If so then you should really divorce him so he can find someone else who would not be doing what you are doing to him. This is not just all about you.
sidney2718 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You are disrespecting and humiliating your husband and your own marriage. If and when your husband finds out he probably will never forgive this humiliation that you have brought to him. Do you love your husband? Does it bother you that the chances are great that you will probably be divorced by your husband and does it not matter to you? The fact that you are so close and remain close to the wife is truly unbelievably cruel to her. Sorry but you must be getting some sick pleasure being so nice to the wife knowing that you are screwing her husband behind your back. You have a broken moral compass. You do realize it is a matter of time before it will eventually come out. The likely end is that: 1. Your lover will dump you and work to stay in his marriage. 2. His wife will never forgive you and talk to you again. 2. Your husband will divorce you. When you are cruel to people that care about you it always ends up coming back on you two-fold. You are in big time denial. Is it not possible that instead: 1. He will dump you and work to stay in his marriage. 2. His wife will never forgive him and they divorce. 3. Your husband, after some time, forgives you. In my opinion, both affair partners should be blamed. And don't forget, in most cases there is something wrong in the (two) marriages. People rarely start affairs just for the fun of it.
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I've never said it would be easy to walk away. I would feel incredible pain if this was discovered and people were hurt as a direct result of my actions. The very reason I'm in IC. No, I don't want to change right now. But that could change tomorrow, I'm just trying to get myself in a position to understand why I'm doing it, why I don't want to stop and how I can better understand how to fix the situation to keep everyone safe. I want what I want, I've always taken what I wanted. If I wasn't aware that I may need to change I would just be continuing my life without talking about it at all. I don't need attacks it judgment, not because my skins not thick enough to take them, I can take it, it slides off me, mostly I'm concerned with it wasting time and space for real discussion. Why can some people do this and be fine with it? Why? And how often it happens, seems like a lot. And how it was discovered. Nobody has to reply, I thought some people might have input. If I have a personality disorder is there no point in even trying to figure that out? You are right I can't take a pill and 'feel' what someone else feels, so if I'm happy and nobody is hurt, everyone is living happy and we have no visible issues, what's my motivation to change? As it stands my only motivation is that is MIGHT one day be discovered. I don't want that so it's the only reason I see to consider change. No paper trail of anything, no emails, no texts, no credit card or bank records, no cell phone records. Anything that leaves a trace of any interaction between the two of you must either not take place, or be destroyed.
Fluttershy Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 First- it is very common to think "what they don't know won't hurt them" and is the green light for many a wayward spouse. Every cheating spouse is out to beat the odds. second-yes, double betrayals are worse. Third- no one can tell you how you will get caught of if you will grow old and grey fking two guys. Because no one knows inclusing yourself. The ways people get caught can be from a forgotten phone with incriminating messages, a broweser left open, a sudden gut feeling in one of the BS that leads to digging, to something purely coincidental like the W not being where she was supposed to be. I haven't been on this forum long but i have been other places and in real life and have read/seen a wide variety of DDay causers. Plus, no one can guarantee 100% that the person they are involved with won't grow a conscience and come clean. It can be years later. And once that person confesses anybody could find out. A cheaters forum would be a better place to get tips on reducing the chances of being caught. Most everyone here, cheater and betrayed alike, have been devestated by infidelity. They aren't fans of supporting those that wish to keep eating cake.
Raena Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 For your original question... no I don't think double betrayal is all that common. That's just my opinion though. Other than here on these forums, I haven't personally experienced or witnessed any situation like yours. I also feel that if this had happened to me I don't know that I could have survived it. My best friend is the one person I really rely on right now to help me through all of my emotions. If she were the one to have helped in the betrayal I'd be lost in this sea of emotions alone and that would be even more devastating.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 No paper trail of anything, no emails, no texts, no credit card or bank records, no cell phone records. Anything that leaves a trace of any interaction between the two of you must either not take place, or be destroyed. This is exhausting and rarely works for long.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 No paper trail of anything, no emails, no texts, no credit card or bank records, no cell phone records. Anything that leaves a trace of any interaction between the two of you must either not take place, or be destroyed. If we didnt text we would never be able to talk alone. We do not arrange meetings, they just happen when it's an opportunity. We only are alone sometimes a few minutes a week so most of our conversations are I front of others or texting. The first year we had a lot of alone time but its not so possible anymore and I'm not pushing that. We have seperate bills from our spouses and no individual texts show because its unlimited, doesn't even show whos numbed we've texted. We have not spent a dime on this affair. We have limited texting to once a week, that's what I meant by trying to emotionally disconnect a bit, it sucks. I don't like it but I get its a necessity.
Dean13 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Why can some people do this and be fine with it? Because some people are selfish ****s. Just a thought. 2
Fluttershy Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If we didnt text we would never be able to talk alone. We do not arrange meetings, they just happen when it's an opportunity. We only are alone sometimes a few minutes a week so most of our conversations are I front of others or texting. The first year we had a lot of alone time but its not so possible anymore and I'm not pushing that. We have seperate bills from our spouses and no individual texts show because its unlimited, doesn't even show whos numbed we've texted. We have not spent a dime on this affair. We have limited texting to once a week, that's what I meant by trying to emotionally disconnect a bit, it sucks. I don't like it but I get its a necessity. I have never heard of unlimited texts not showing text frequency or the numbers texted. It may not come in paper bill but it is probably online. 1
Sub Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 We have seperate bills from our spouses and no individual texts show because its unlimited, doesn't even show whos numbed we've texted. Interesting. I find this hard to believe. I have unlimited as well, and I can simply go online, log in to my account and see all the texts that have been sent and received. I don't know of a carrier that leaves no record of text messages. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 You absolutely can have access to the texts no matter what. Doesn't matter if it's unlimited. There is a trace - nothing is private. 1
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I didn't say there was no record anywhere, could very well be and I'm sure you are right. I did say I have a different bill from my husband and he never sees it and even if he did, it doesn't show anything. I'm curious enough now to go look online though at that bill, but it's not connected to his either.
Clay Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Umm might your post be a troll post. A person on another site just opened up a different post under the name HarleyG. Different story all together just a little odd. Clay
whiterabbit46 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 God, how disgusting! Women like you are every husband's nightmare! 1
Sub Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Just as a warning: There's no "delete" option when you see them. Most carriers keep the record for at least a year, some up to five years. Even if it isn't connected to his, he'll get access to it and use it as some sort of documented proof once the A comes to light.
Raena Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 And yet here we go helping you to figure out how to keep things a secret from your husband. Yes, even my account that is not connected to my ex has all of my text messages saved online. All he would need is the password. Even better, all he would have to do is plug my phone into the computer and see what the contents of my texts are as well. When your husband gets suspicious, and he will... you can bet that one of the first things he'll ask you for is access to your phone records... your phone itself and your online record. Besides all of that... even if he can't see it... all he has to do is ask for a subpeona during your divorce proceedings and he'll be able to see not only who you texted with, but what the contents of those messages were. Rest assured... as much as you'd like to keep things secret and carry on the way you are choosing to do... it will ALL come out eventually.
Fluttershy Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I don't think anyone is helping but basically informing her there is no 100% proof method of hiding an affair. 1
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If we didnt text we would never be able to talk alone. We do not arrange meetings, they just happen when it's an opportunity. We only are alone sometimes a few minutes a week so most of our conversations are I front of others or texting. The first year we had a lot of alone time but its not so possible anymore and I'm not pushing that. We have seperate bills from our spouses and no individual texts show because its unlimited, doesn't even show whos numbed we've texted. We have not spent a dime on this affair. We have limited texting to once a week, that's what I meant by trying to emotionally disconnect a bit, it sucks. I don't like it but I get its a necessity. If you have separate accounts the you are good, but the phone company does keep a record of the numbers texted and duration etc.. I didn't say you couldn't text just that through the main phone line is a way many people get busted. They do it through a chat app or a text app or Facebook. If you are only texting for a limited amount of time once a week that will be hard to catch. That is cutting it back pretty far.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Umm might your post be a troll post. A person on another site just opened up a different post under the name HarleyG. Different story all together just a little odd. Clay No this isn't a troll post, this is my life My name is Hayley, not Harley not that, that matters, but I'm not on any other site with this same or one similar. This is the closest I've got to my real name online actually.
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