Sub Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I don't plan to divorce because I have a happy comfortable life and a family. But yes if there was a DDay I wouldn't even attempt reconciliation because that life would be over. I'd move on. Yeah, I don't think it would be that easy for you. Even though you seem to be able to compartmentalize very easily, you don't have any idea how you'd react if it came to that. Plus, the element of children being involved would never allow you to just "move on".
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Why limit it to just the three of them ? I am sure you have plenty of love for others too - so why not more ? Why not more affairs? Not sure what you mean.
cozycottagelg Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I think there are a few threads on here named "my wife and my best friend" or something similar to that. Maybe reading those would give you some insight.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 And yet, you appear to be completely comfortable being the one to successfully lie to others that love you. You can't get over it when someone does it to you...but you're totally fine with doing it to others for years? Non-sequiter. Yes, something I've been talking about in IC. I went 4 times last week and its because of what we've been talking about there that prompted me to ask about Double betrayal here, I'm curious how often it happens.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I think there are a few threads on here named "my wife and my best friend" or something similar to that. Maybe reading those would give you some insight. Thanks I have read them. I apoligize if this thread comes across as heartless, wasn't the intention, I am just thinking about this a lot lately.
Sub Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Not trying to make friends here just being brutally honest. You should apply this mantra to your non-internet persona. Everyone would be much better off, in my opinion.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Yeah, I don't think it would be that easy for you. Even though you seem to be able to compartmentalize very easily, you don't have any idea how you'd react if it came to that. Plus, the element of children being involved would never allow you to just "move on". I realize it wouldn't be simple and without any pain, but I would move on from the marriage.
Bryanp Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 One more time. Are you prepared for the fall out from your children if and when this affair comes out? Have you thought about it?
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 One more time. Are you prepared for the fall out from your children if and when this affair comes out? Have you thought about it? I havent brought children into this equation at all, nobody even knows their ages or if there is any kids involved. There is children, and no I don't think anyone could ever be prepared for something like this but they are not in any danger of being physically hurt and I do have the resources to protect them emotionally as much as possibly should this come out but my main goal is preventing that from happening in the first place.
beyondsad Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I am going thru this now. The pain is worse because of it being a close friend and husband. I will never have anything to do with her again and she is dead to me. Still struggling with what to do. H is klissing ass and trying to be the perfect husband. Now that its out my friend said my H pursued her.. great that is a nice image. It is hard to fathom, and the pain is unimaginable why people lie and cheat especially a close female friend. I have cried on her shoulder and thought she had my back. I have not told her H yet but it still may be an option. We have kept this from our college kids for now but like anything it will eventually come out. What is so baffling is why H wants to stay together and now is so remorseful. Until he got caught he thought he was hot **** but now hes mr wimpy WTF!!! Oh the way I found out is to many people knew because they were hot and heavy in front of friends and when someone had a beef with the cheating friend - spilled the beans. Lies always come out and no matter what DOUBLE BETRAYAL the karma bus is coming for you sweatheart.
Owl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I havent brought children into this equation at all, nobody even knows their ages or if there is any kids involved. There is children, and no I don't think anyone could ever be prepared for something like this but they are not in any danger of being physically hurt and I do have the resources to protect them emotionally as much as possibly should this come out but my main goal is preventing that from happening in the first place. I don't know what the "real" or "actual" stats are as to how often affairs are discovered, and I would be the first to admit that LS is probably 'skewed' somewhat because it's that discovery that usually brings folks here. But, my experience outside of LS would still suggest to me that your main goal is an unrealistic one. If you want to prevent it from happening...end the affair now, to at least mitigate that risk as much as you can. Once you started this affair...the odds were that they're going to be emotionally impacted by this at some point.
Sub Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 There is children, and no I don't think anyone could ever be prepared for something like this but they are not in any danger of being physically hurt and I do have the resources to protect them emotionally as much as possibly should this come out but my main goal is preventing that from happening in the first place. Again, I think you're being overly optimistic, to the point of mind-boggling naiveté, about potential ramifications. And I'm not sure why "physical danger" is the litmus test for its effects on your children.
threelaurels Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I havent brought children into this equation at all, nobody even knows their ages or if there is any kids involved. There is children, and no I don't think anyone could ever be prepared for something like this but they are not in any danger of being physically hurt and I do have the resources to protect them emotionally as much as possibly should this come out but my main goal is preventing that from happening in the first place. There is no way your children will come out of this without being broken. I just hope you don't end up having to raise your children without a father. 1
Fluttershy Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Usually remorseful waywards post over here and ones still eating their cake post in the ow/om forum. There is no rule in it but you will get a lot more betrayed spouses in this sub forum. That is why it was suggested. double betrayals are a 1000 times worse because instead of one person smilin to your face and stabbing you in the back, you have two knives sticking out of uoir back. They are also more messy for clean up when children are involved because the child is exposed to everyone involved and when DDay happens things have to change even more. A colleague involves a change of job. A friend involves a whole social circle upheaval. And even if you jusy leave your husband the circle of friends will be destroyed. There is nothing more you can do to insure you won't get caught. Nothing will guarantee it 100%. people have got caught over the tiniest tip off. People have got caught even after ending the affair. So you need to stop assuming you won't get caught and accept, there is a good chance you will, and an even greater one if you remain in the affair I'm not going to suggest you confess. Confession raises the chances of reconciliation and you have no desire to be a better person or do the hard work reconciliation involves. I am going to suggest you continue with IC and also accept the fact that your affair is a ticking time bomb that has a high chance of going off and you have no way to know if i will or not. Accept that you will not be as emotionally strong as you think when the sht hits the fan. And accept that the children involved may be destroyed and hate you and your affair partner for a long long time or forever. Yes, they may not, but nobody can control how other people react to a situation. We can't even know how we will! 1
tired girl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 The damage to your children won't be physical, it will be emotional. And you can't fix that no matter how much money you throw at it. Ask me, my dad was a serial cheater. Married his OW. It ripples with your children. So ask yourself if it is worth the cost of what you are getting from it, cause if it is keep doing it. You are affecting your kids whether you realize it or not. I find it interesting that you can't stand being lied to. Either can I. That is why when I cheated on my H, I told him straight up before I did it. Gave him the opportunity to say something about it before I did it. I at least owed him that. I really hate lying. Apparently you don't hate it as much as you think. 2
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I don't know what the "real" or "actual" stats are as to how often affairs are discovered, and I would be the first to admit that LS is probably 'skewed' somewhat because it's that discovery that usually brings folks here. But, my experience outside of LS would still suggest to me that your main goal is an unrealistic one. If you want to prevent it from happening...end the affair now, to at least mitigate that risk as much as you can. Once you started this affair...the odds were that they're going to be emotionally impacted by this at some point. We are working towards distancing emotionally but it's not easy. I would end the affair if I thought for a second it was suspected. But obviously that's not something I'm in full control of. I don't think I want it to last forever anymore, like we originally planned.. I understand it has to end at some point and I hope it's without anyone getting hurt.
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I think the obvious answer is yes, it would be much worse. You might even face a situation of severe social repercussions of our sheer revenge. I wouldn't rule out physical violence either. Emotions will be through the roof. As far as discovery it can happen in any way possible. It really depends on what steps you are or are not taking to avoid discovery. I just read on the other board about this couple that were doing about everything you could think of doing wrong, and hadn't gotten busted in over a year, but it looks like they played their hand too far. Given that you have reached the two year mark it would seem you two have a pretty good handle on what works for you. But I would guess your most likely issue will be complacency and falling into a routine. Complacency opens the door to suspicion and routine confirms that suspicion. 1
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I find it interesting that you can't stand being lied to. Either can I. That is why when I cheated on my H, I told him straight up before I did it. Gave him the opportunity to say something about it before I did it. I at least owed him that. I really hate lying. Apparently you don't hate it as much as you think. Told my husband before we ever got married that I didn't think I could be monogamous. I've also brought up open marriage many times but he has no desire and never takes it serious. So I just stopped bringing it up.
tired girl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 You are still not being honest and you know it. Those are called loopholes.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Yes you are in full control of it. Full control over ending it yes, not full control if its discovered or not 1
tired girl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 You have a vision in your head right now that you are in full control of your life and you are doing exactly what you want. You could not be less in control of your life if you tried. Hate to tell you that. If you wanted control, you would be honest with yourself and the people in it.
Author hayleym Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 You are still not being honest and you know it. Those are called loopholes. I'm not trying to justify anything, I'm well aware it's wrong, I don't need to make anything up to make myself feel better, because I feel just fine. Was just stating a fact.
tired girl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Exactly. So you live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Potentially. That sucks. Live your life the way you want. If you can't be monogamous, then get out of your marriage and live your life how you need to live it. Quit destroying other lives to do it.
tired girl Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If you feel just fine, then I can guess at the personality disorder. 2
Recommended Posts