My cousin has terminal cancer

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

My cousin, Tom, has terminal colon cancer. He has been through radiation and chemo and had part of his colon removed and has a colostomy bag. The doctor said he doesn't have much time (>5 years) and to enjoy his life as much as he can.

 

A little background on Tom and his wife, Heather: Heather, years ago had a flesh eating bacteria that caused her to lose her whole entire leg and half of her bottom. She almost lost her life from it. She now has a prosthetic. After she lost her leg, Tom was having colon problems and was diagnosed with colon cancer. They have 2 sons, one in middle school and the other in High School.

 

His brother, Jim and his wife, Renee, have completely abandoned Tom and his family. And the reason why is because when Tom and Heather moved houses they decided not to use Renee, who is realtor, to list their home. They had used her once before and did not like how she was always unavailable and wasn't very diligent in selling their home, plus she is always out of town. This time they went with someone else. When Renee found out, she completely turned on them, making her husband, Jim (Tom's brother) turn on him also.

 

What is this called again? Pussy whipped?

 

This ordeal happened months ago and with Jim and Renee willingly knowing that Tom has terminal cancer, they have completely shunned their family. They don't talk to them, they ignore them, they talk bad about them...etc.

 

Tom and Heather are a beautiful couple who have tons of friends and family rooting for them. They are religious and always thinking positive, even after the hardships they have faced. They are the type of people who will always have your back and will always be there for you. Just the utmost generous, loving people.

 

This past weekend, Tom and Heather mailed gifts for Jim and Renee's children for Christmas (who are toddlers). They are trying to let go of the past and to remind them that life is short and their are bigger things to worry about (like Tom having terminal cancer). Anyways, once Jim and Renee received the gifts, they personally took them, got in their car, drove to Tom and Heather's home at night, knocked on their door and said, "we don't want your gifts" and walked away. Tom was completely baffled and upset over this. His own brother has completely turned on him.

 

Tom told us, "I need to go see the pastor because I have so much hate in my heart that I don't like this feeling." The last thing he needs is stress while going through chemo and it really saddens me to see them hurt when they are such great people.

 

I find myself wanting to lash out at Jim and Renee, shake them and scream at them, "what are you thinking?!" I am filled with hatred that they can be so diabolical.

 

I don't know what else I can do, but to support Tom and Heather. I wish there was something I could say. I wish there were something I could do. But I find myself completely helpless.

 

How do you handle these family situations? How do you let go of the hate?

Edited December 9, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[regine_phalange]

That is such a shame...

 

I think I would have a big fight with Jim amd Renee. Id tell them how wrong, heartless and stupid they are. I think that would help me feel not so passive in the situation.

 

Tom and Heather are lucky to have you though. I wish a miracle happens and all your family members stay well and happy for many years to come.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

That is such a shame...

 

I think I would have a big fight with Jim amd Renee. Id tell them how wrong, heartless and stupid they are. I think that would help me feel not so passive in the situation.

 

Tom and Heather are lucky to have you though. I wish a miracle happens and all your family members stay well and happy for many years to come.

 

I know. I was thinking of sending them a message since I don't live near them. But I wouldn't even know what to say. I just feel like I need to stand up for Tom. Like you said, I don't want to feel passive and I just need to do something without crossing the line!

 

But thank you for your condolences :-)

[turnera]

Personally, I would get ALL of the rest of the family to send them letters expressing their dismay (or disgust) for their treatment of your cousin. Hard to argue with that.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Personally, I would get ALL of the rest of the family to send them letters expressing their dismay (or disgust) for their treatment of your cousin. Hard to argue with that.

 

Isn't that stooping down to their level?? I was thinking of sending a letter myself without telling anyone else in the family. I think my mom and my aunt (tom's mother) would be a little upset at me because they don't want me to get involved. But I just feel like something needs to be done. And I definitely don't want to add any more stress to Tom either!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm working on a letter... I'll post here and hopefully get some feedback.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Renee/Jim,

 

I have to be honest with the two of you because I can not stand on the sidelines anymore and bare to see two indulgently possessed individuals be so diabolical, to their own family.

 

I’d like share a story with you…

 

Up until my early 20s, I carried around a lot of anger toward someone in my life. I’d been hurt by a person I trusted and for a long time in my adolescence I wanted to hurt them back.

 

I lived in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.

 

I realize it is less compelling to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.

 

It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.

 

Then I realized: unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.

 

No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.

 

After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions.

 

And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.

 

Needless to say, I have found myself in this “unforgiving” predicament once again with the two of you, because I feel so much hate. How two people can be so heartless and uncaring, I’m appalled. The emotional binge you have brought to the family would take awhile to mend and personally, I believe that with kindness, compassion and true care it would heal any pain. But it would have to be real.

 

If anything, do this for Tom. Be kind to him. Find that compassion in your heart to let whatever is hurting you go. There are more important things in life than to fill it with hatred. Tom has terminal cancer, and I guarantee you that if you don’t do something to let this go, you will regret it.

 

It takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. It brings peace to your life. No one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.”

 

Tom and Heather are so strong and there is nothing you can do to get in the way of that, so stop trying. Every selfish effort you have put into this has only made you look weaker. They have so many friends and family around them that they can’t be bothered by your unwillingness to let the petty things go. I’m sure it is hurting you more than it hurts them being alone in all of this. They have so much love and care around them that it shields them from any pain other people try to impose on them. This is only making the two of you look worse.

 

I can’t imagine what you will both face the day Tom’s life comes to an end. The guilt you will feel, the regret. But remember that you had a chance to make things right and you didn’t take it. You would only have yourselves to blame.

[regine_phalange]

It's very good. A but edgy, but this is what is needed in situations like this. I'd send it as it is!

[SerCay]

For your cousin,

 

I seriously suggest him to dive into the alkaline or the ketogenic diet.

It's proved that he will live longer.

 

I'm serious. Many ''terminally ill'' people are still living today because of it.

 

(I put terminally ill in brackets because that's what doctors make us believe, when diets like these are perfect additions to medicine to remain alive, they're just not taught in medical school.)

[turnera]

WAY too long. Edit it. A few times. They won't get past the first 2 paragraphs.