peter_87 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Hello everyone, I have a problem and I was hoping that you could help me with it, because it's been bugging me for ages now. I'm one of those losers who at 26 years, has never been in a relationship. For a long time, I believed the talk about "don't pay attention to it, you'll eventually find someone". Well, that didn't happen. About a year and a half ago, I finally started getting an interest into becoming more social, and this has been the best time of my life. Slowly but surely I built up a network of awesome friends... however still no girlfriend, or anything that resembles it. It took me a long while to figure out why. I for some reason have this fear of asking people out. It's hard to describe, but I can hold a decent conversation with people. However unconsciously, something is holding me back to ask girls that I like out. And in my mind, I start making up all kinds of stupid excuses to just not bring this up. Other half of the problem is that most of the time, it takes me a while before I realize that I like someone. Where most people give the advice to just walk up to girls you've never heard of that you seem interested in, for me it takes a while to warm up to people, and most of my best friends actually made really mediocre first impressions when I first met them. And then when I realize that I do like someone, in my mind it's already too late because we're already friends for a while. It also doesn't really help that I have a lot of female friends who complain about the unwanted male attention that they're getting. Objectively and in theory, I think I sortof know what I need to do, but the whole thing just crumbles in practice due to these stupid irrational fears I keep getting. Does anyone have any advice on how to best overcome these fears?
Philosoraptor Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 You have the same issue a lot of guys have. You assume the worst before giving it a chance. If you want to think something think "what do I have to lose by asking her out?". The answer is nothing, as if she says no you are still single. But by asking you at the very least get rid of that "what if" thought, and you may just get a good date out of it. This is all in your head, so combat it with a bit of logic. You have zero to lose and everything to gain.
Author peter_87 Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I think indeed the worst that can happen is that I lose a friend. My social life right now is quite busy, but there was a period in my life at which I hardly had any friends whatsoever. Aside from the rejection, I also care deeply about my friends and I'm scared to bring them in awkward situations by bringing romance into the picture. Or at least, that's what my mind currently is saying.
Sappa Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I had this problem for a long time. Try listening to "pickup podcast." yes it may seem like another cheesy pickup artist marketing thing, but once you look past that and listen to some of their interviews it really sheds some light. Try pushing out of your comfort zone an building some self confidence, the old you is in the past so let it be and move forward. What also helped me was obtaining a leadership position at work, it gave me the self coconfidence I needed to build myself. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Take some baby steps. For the next few weeks smile at random people and wish them happy holidays. As you get used to talking to strangers without having anything bad happen & maybe even a few good things in the form of returned smiles & holiday greetings, you can work your way up to talking to new people. For some more concrete tips & practice consider joining a group called ToastMasters or taking a Dale Carnegie course. 1
Sappa Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Take some baby steps. For the next few weeks smile at random people and wish them happy holidays. As you get used to talking to strangers without having anything bad happen & maybe even a few good things in the form of returned smiles & holiday greetings, you can work your way up to talking to new people. For some more concrete tips & practice consider joining a group called ToastMasters or taking a Dale Carnegie course. Completely agree. I took toastmasters in my early years of highschool, they start you off talking infront of a small group and gradually escalating until you hit the point of talking infront of a large audience. Boosted my conference and helped me developed as a leader. the funniest thing they do is put 10 things into a bag, you have no idea what is in it but what ever you pull out you have to present it on the spot. It's like the ultimate ice breaker breaker.
yankees51988 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) I kinda agree with the getting to know people part. Honestly I see a pretty girl on the street and whatever I would have sex with her but I have absolutely no intention to take her on a date or something. Honestly unless we hit it off right away the first time(s) we hang out, I have no intention of asking them out and "getting to know someone better"- I prefer to end up just hanging out with them casually and then realize one day whoops were kinda into each other huh? let's do it and see where it goes... I end up sleeping with quite a few of my chick friends, but I wouldn't date them or take them out somewhere serious until it's too late for a serious thing not just an FWB situation. It takes quite a while in most cases for feelings for a girl to grow for me, as in the beginning they are just some random person I don't know and don't care about so I could care less about taking them on a date. Yeah flirt for fun and stuff, but I ain't taking a girl out for some fancy dinner unless I already like her, which isn't going to happen right off the bat unless we hit it off the first few times we hung out with mutual friends. Plus my idea of a much more fun date is a concert/bar/party/hiking/swimming etc, dinner is boring (unless we're throwing back tons of drinks at it). Most of my relationships have started with either girls I hit it off with on the first coincidental meeting or two, or people I already knew/got to know from hanging out through mutual friends going out partying all the time and then we would eventually be into each other. I ain't trying to force anything and be like "oh maybe if we go out enough times we will like eachother!", for me it is more "maybe if we like each other enough will we go out a few times". --- You sad "Other half of the problem is that most of the time, it takes me a while before I realize that I like someone. Where most people give the advice to just walk up to girls you've never heard of that you seem interested in" And I completely agree. I never know if I like someone for quite a while in most cases unless there is a bunch of chemistry, and if I am not into them I ain't gonna act all interested in them. Yes I would have sex with a hot girl I don't like, but I ain't taking her out and trying to pretend to be all interested and getting to know her. If I get to know her enough and am interested, then I'll take her out Edited December 9, 2013 by yankees51988
OptimistPrime Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I remember years ago when I'd hang out with all my 'cool' friends. The coolest guys I knew would just walk up to girls and talk to them. They put themselves out there for all of us to see. All of us shy guys would watch in awe as they made it look so easy. They exuded confidence and the girls responded . . . sure every now and then they'd get rejected - but they would laugh at themselves and move on! Never once did they dwell on the failures and their ego armor never got scratched! Be vulnerable and put yourself out there.
jba10582 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) Take some baby steps. For the next few weeks smile at random people and wish them happy holidays. As you get used to talking to strangers without having anything bad happen & maybe even a few good things in the form of returned smiles & holiday greetings, you can work your way up to talking to new people. For some more concrete tips & practice consider joining a group called ToastMasters or taking a Dale Carnegie course. yeah...and talk back to the females that work at gas stations. they may or may not be good looking but they are sassy as hell and more than willing to talk s**t. Edited December 10, 2013 by jba10582
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