Is MC a good idea for me?

[Ap22]

So my wife cheated on me. Its been 3 weeks today. For the most part, I've moved on best I can. I know I can get past this and save my marriage and keep my family intact. The pain has subsided substantially but the anger is still there. That being said, I have always had very good control over my emotions and this is something I can handle. I've always dealt with emotional trauma by myself, its the only way I know how.

 

Now, we have been to 1 session and I had no problems with it. My wife and I are communicating at home and we really didnt say anything we didnt already say before. All we really did is get the counselor up to speed with our situation.

 

Heres the thing. I am incredibly focused now. I know what I want and how I want it. One of two things is going to happen. Either my wife does love me and she will do everything possible to make this up and prove that she does love me.....or she is just telling me everything I want to hear in order to make things better and she will go back to her ways. I'm not accepting a mix of the two either. There will be no "well she is treating me better but shes still selfish".....I want a complete and total change from her. The extreme selfishness and lack of respect for us will not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form. Its really that cut and dry. There will be no grey area, no middle ground. She either becomes the wife/woman/mother I want/need/deserve or we're done.

 

All the talking in the world wont matter, the only thing that matters is her attitude. Right now, I dont know if she really loves me or not. I'll let her actions make up my mind on that. There are no other issues I need to discuss. It doesnt matter the how, what, or whys that led to the affair. Whats done is done, neither of us can change the past, all we can do is change the future.

 

I just dont see how any amount of talking is going to change my views or make me feel better. She will either be the woman I want completely or she will not. I dont need to decide what I want. I know exactly what I want and she will either give it to me or not. I'm still broken, but only I know how to put myself together again.....ironically, the only person who can heal me faster is the one person who broke me into a million pieces(if we R). If we divorce, I'll let my anger take over and I will fight her to the bitter end and I'll come out harder and stronger than I ever thought possible.

 

Just wanted to get some opinions. In our first session, the MC said they had never seen anyone in our situation who had as much composure and was taking it as well as I was. I'm in a zone right now. The pain and anger dont matter right now. Its nothing I cant handle. I am so focused on what the next step is going to be and its really out of my hands. I told my wife I'm a balance scale and shes the weight. Right now, I'm balanced in the middle, she is going to decide which side goes up and which goes down.

[tiredofitall2]

So my wife cheated on me. Its been 3 weeks today. For the most part, I've moved on best I can. I know I can get past this and save my marriage and keep my family intact. The pain has subsided substantially but the anger is still there. That being said, I have always had very good control over my emotions and this is something I can handle. I've always dealt with emotional trauma by myself, its the only way I know how.

 

Now, we have been to 1 session and I had no problems with it. My wife and I are communicating at home and we really didnt say anything we didnt already say before. All we really did is get the counselor up to speed with our situation.

 

Heres the thing. I am incredibly focused now. I know what I want and how I want it. One of two things is going to happen. Either my wife does love me and she will do everything possible to make this up and prove that she does love me.....or she is just telling me everything I want to hear in order to make things better and she will go back to her ways. I'm not accepting a mix of the two either. There will be no "well she is treating me better but shes still selfish".....I want a complete and total change from her. The extreme selfishness and lack of respect for us will not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form. Its really that cut and dry. There will be no grey area, no middle ground. She either becomes the wife/woman/mother I want/need/deserve or we're done.

 

All the talking in the world wont matter, the only thing that matters is her attitude. Right now, I dont know if she really loves me or not. I'll let her actions make up my mind on that. There are no other issues I need to discuss. It doesnt matter the how, what, or whys that led to the affair. Whats done is done, neither of us can change the past, all we can do is change the future.

 

I just dont see how any amount of talking is going to change my views or make me feel better. She will either be the woman I want completely or she will not. I dont need to decide what I want. I know exactly what I want and she will either give it to me or not. I'm still broken, but only I know how to put myself together again.....ironically, the only person who can heal me faster is the one person who broke me into a million pieces(if we R). If we divorce, I'll let my anger take over and I will fight her to the bitter end and I'll come out harder and stronger than I ever thought possible.

 

Just wanted to get some opinions. In our first session, the MC said they had never seen anyone in our situation who had as much composure and was taking it as well as I was. I'm in a zone right now. The pain and anger don't matter right now. Its nothing I cant handle. I am so focused on what the next step is going to be and its really out of my hands. I told my wife I'm a balance scale and shes the weight. Right now, I'm balanced in the middle, she is going to decide which side goes up and which goes down.

 

IC might just give you a different perspective. Perhaps from a clinical point of view. What can help you heal faster. It can be a good transition between IC and MC.

 

It might not make a difference, but it's worth a shot. Some counselors are excellent while others aren't The good thing is that they have seen this over and over again. So they can speak in an educated way about the matter. Well, a long as they specialize in marriage and infidelity issues.

[Grumpybutfun]

Ap22:

The first session is about catching the counselor up with your situation. However, after that, a good MC will help you both to look at things differently and get to the core of the core of your issues. It sounds like you are balancing things right now through controlling your pain and anger, but there will come a time when you will need help with the boundaries, trust, and especially the whys. Some people feel safer talking about their deep emotional scars with a mediator so it might help you and your wife to heal if she feels she can be honest about what really drives her. Sometimes they will tell you what you want to hear in order to patch the situation and will gloss over the deep core of things. Infidelity is just a symptom of something bigger and she may not even know exactly what that is yet. It could be something so deeply ingrained in her childhood or psyche that she has never even entertained the idea of it before. Stick with it and just be honest with her and yourself about what you need right now. I really feel for you man, as I read your other post and I can't imagine anything more stressful or hurtful than learning your marriage is in jeopardy.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[Ap22]

Thanks.

 

I have no problems with it other than having to miss work to do it. I really want her to go to an IC because she does have issues. I'm pretty confident on why she did it. It had nothing to do with me. It was all her issues. Low self esteem, her self worth based on what others thought of her, her need to be center of attention......add all those up and its not good.

 

I'll go, but only because it might help her. Like I said, it wont do much for me I dont think. She is either going to love me or shes not. Thats whats going to determine if this works out.

 

As for me, I'm doing my best to keep a happy face on the outside and doing what I do to handle the emotional teardown. Bottom line, I'm doing so well with this because she is showing me everyday that she loves me. Its sad and ironic that the person who just completely destroyed my life is the one person who can put it back together the best. I think to myself that if she didnt care or had no interest in R, I wouldnt be taking this well at all and I'd be in a dark place.

 

The only question I have is she completely sincere. I told her she need to do this for me. Not for the kids, not because of shame, and not to keep from going through an ugly divorce. It needs to be because of me and me alone that she wants to stay together. If its not just for me, this wont work.

[ClemsonTigers]

Change is a process. You seem pretty level headed for how early into this battle you find yourself that I think you understand this. You can demand perfect but it rarely happens that way. Recovery isn't often a straight [upward] line. It will be a bit of a roller coaster. On both sides (I did a lot of changing myself). As long as my wife was on my/our team figuring out how to make our marriage better I was OK despite her thinking, saying and feeling some weird things. I wanted to be in the battle WITH HER figuring her crap out rather than her burying things so as not to offend or upset me.

 

As far as counseling. We were fortunate to find a paster, who later became my mentor that was very learned, experienced and marriage focused. He did not "counsel" us…he "coached" us as we didn't have clue how to fix our marriage ourselves so talk therapy trying to draw answers out of us would have been ridiculous. I have come to learn myself that most marriage counselors are horrible. They are divorce facilitators. In fact, they have one of the highest divorce rates themselves of all professionals. Some even celebrate infidelity as a healthy reaction to a failing relationship. One of the most widely practiced marital therapies is something called 'Imago Therapy". Complete waste of time and effort. Unfortunately, there isn't a way to know if you have a good therapist or a bad one. If you can meet up with several. Maybe call a few before you even set up a meeting with your wife present and ask them some questions about their philosophies and success stories. For the most part…my wife and I became our own "experts" and talked ourselves silly around the subject for several years and then started helping other couples with similar struggles through our church. It ended up changing our lives (personal and professional) and transforming our marriage. Wish we'd done it a different way, but I'm contented.

[Bryanp]

What excuse did she give you for having the affair?

Did you contact the OM's significant other and inform her?

Did you get tested for STD's

What have been the consequences to her cheating on you and disrespecting and betraying your marriage?

If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?

[ClemsonTigers]

Forgive me if I've got the wrong story here but her affair was with step son's father, right?

 

How are you handling visitation?

 

One of the pillars of recovery from infidelity is she is to have "no contact" for life with the OM. How do you two intend to achieve that? Do you handle the exchanges?

 

Have you thought more about exposing him to his wife?

 

Have you considered moving far far away? A fresh start is often great for recovery. It's like repotting a plant in a bigger freshly fertilized pot. The whole process of moving in a team effort to a new place can be rejuvenating. It will also likely result in a favorable adjustment to the current visitation schedule making weekly exchanges impossible and tending towards longer visits (like a couple weeks over summer and extended holidays) which require fewer exchanges and interaction.

[dichotomy]

. She either becomes the wife/woman/mother I want/need/deserve or we're done.

 

.

 

Based on this - ya I guess what is to talk about in MC?

[Ap22]

Forgive me if I've got the wrong story here but her affair was with step son's father, right?

 

How are you handling visitation?

 

 

See thats the thing.....

 

First, how this loser doesnt repulse her is beyond me. He is not a father. He is an absent "father "who only picked up his son every other weekend because he pays child support. Seriously.

 

There is hardly a relationship between him and my stepson. He abandoned my wife when she was pregnant and she had to hunt him down after she gave birth. Hes been a dead beat for a while and even now child support was off and on when he kept losing jobs. A total loser in every sense of the word.

 

Anyways, here is the kicker. When I confronted him, before I had a chance to tell him anything, he told me he would vanish forever and would give up ever seeing his son again if I didnt out him to his wife. Now, keep in mind, this "man" (for lack of a better word), was screwing my wife while his was pregnant. So child #2 is starting off no better than his first. Thats the kind of loser we're talking about here. He threw his son away without hesitation to try and save his sorry ass.

 

So he hasnt come by to pick him up and I doubt he ever will. I will be shocked if he ever has the balls to come by the house for visitation. I saw my stepsons cell phone the next day and saw that my stepson had texted him. He told him he never wanted to see him again. He said that he had broken his family and that I was going to leave them and take my daughter with me. The scumbag never replied back to him. I asked my wife how she could open her legs to this idiot. The boy isnt my blood and his "father" has repulsed me for years because of how he treats him. I cant imagine how she could stand the sight of him, considering how hes treated their son.

[Ap22]

Based on this - ya I guess what is to talk about in MC?

 

Pretty much asking myself the same question. Emotionally, I'll be fine. I cant handle much more than the average person can. I'm a rock emotionally.

 

Theres not gonna be any touchy, feely, lets air it all out crap....She has been placed on notice to either be what she is supposed to be or GTFO!

 

Seriously, she gets one chance to make this right. ONE.

 

She is the mother of my children and the thought of tearing my kids apart is what kills me more than anything she could ever do to me. If i'm going to work it out with anyone, its going to be her for that reason alone. All I tell her is she better make it worth it by becoming what she knows she should have been. If she doesnt, then I tell her she better prepare for war in the divorce.

[Fluttershy]

A few things:

I wouldn't just do marriage counselling just because you are supposed to. It may be something for later. Or not something for you.

That being said, I'd give it a little longer to see if it is something your marrige needs. Maybe it is some place aafe your wife needs?

People can improve themselves and seek help for holes in their personality. But I am concerned, and hope I am wrong, that you are using this to control your wife and turn her into someone she is not. Expecting her to be something she is not will not last no matter how much she loves you. She will burn out. It is a fine line because I do believe we can learngood behaviours and such but if it is coming out of you controlling her. This of course doesn't include fidelity. That is mandatory. But becoming an amazing cook? Or turning from someone who loves to talk into a mouse? Or vice versa? What exactly do you mean because your words sound like you are wanting to groom her into the perfect wife. I hope that isn't what you meant. She is human and will screw up.

Many people think they are amazing spouses or say they have failts bit in a "everybody has faults" sort of way (slowly raises hand). The truth is we all have areas we could work on in our marriage and ourselves. Use this time of adversity to improve yourself for you. Your wife can't heal you. She can't erase what she did. Only you can fix you, alone or with her.

My discalimer: I am human, I only can offer my perspective.

[Fluttershy]

Listen, being a hard ass and saying "screw around with xMM or anyone again, is fine. Implying you will destroy her is another. You say you want her to stay for you. But your words are putting her in a place where she has no choice but to stay or lose everything. Chances are she fears you can take everything from her including her babies. So by saying you will go to war you are not using her love for you to keep her but the fear of losing everything.

You are angry. Be cautious because about thinking you are somehow above all this and doing better than all other betrayed spouses. Because it sounds like you are internally doing just the same.

Once again, just my pov and opinions.

[Ap22]

Yeah I know. There is still a lot of anger in me that is being held relatively in check because she is still with me. I'm not expecting her to be perfect. I know eventually things will normalize and we will get into arguments, get frustrated, whatever. My expectations for her are to be a loving and supportive wife. I expect someone who has my back and will go through hell and back.

 

Even before I found out about the affair, I never truly felt like she loved me or would go through hell for me. She was a complete B the majority of the time. She placed her faults on me. She blamed me for all her issues.

 

I told her the only way this works out is if she does this for me. Not the kids, not the fear, but me. Anything other than doing this for me will eventually end up in divorce. Thats not a threat, its a fact. I told her the woman she was is not worth to R with. The woman shes trying to be, the woman she says she wants to be, is worth it.

 

Basically, I just want a woman who loves me and shows me everyday that she does. I love her and showed her every damn day. Thats not to much to ask for.

[Fluttershy]

Thanks for clarifying, that is not too much to ask for... Couples are supposed to have each others back and support one another.

 

I stand by the reats though. Telling her she needs to stay for you is good but then threatening to destroy her in the divorce enforces the opposite.

 

And if she is staying for you then I hope ultimately, you stay for her. Or she will always feel the imbalance.

 

But you are just three weeks out. Things are only just starting.

[Ap22]

Thanks for clarifying, that is not too much to ask for... Couples are supposed to have each others back and support one another.

 

I stand by the reats though. Telling her she needs to stay for you is good but then threatening to destroy her in the divorce enforces the opposite.

 

And if she is staying for you then I hope ultimately, you stay for her. Or she will always feel the imbalance.

 

But you are just three weeks out. Things are only just starting.

 

Yeah when I told her I would destroy her that was just the anger coming out from what she has done to our family. I initially stayed for the kids, but she is what will keep me here. This wont work if one or both of us dont love the other. I told her she has me right now, she just has to keep me.

 

Its kind of like those teachers who tell their students on the first day of class that everyone has a 100. Its up to you to keep it.

[drifter777]

MC and/or IC is a complete waste of time for you because you are too immature to have any level of insight at all. Just forgive and forget and get on with your life. You can deal with her betrayal and the emotional destruction it has done to you in a few years when you are ready to face it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ap22

 

I understand your anger and you have every right to be pissed, but one thing I know is no matter how hard you try, you can't change her personality. If she was the type to place the blame on others and no show love, well it's the way she is so I hope your not expecting miracles because people can only change so much because that's all they can give.

 

Her actions will give you what you need, not the way she's acting now but down the road when the dust settles. Sooner or later we all go back to who we really are and she's no different than anyone else.

 

If you notice that she's going back to her old ways then you'll know that your wasting your time but here's hoping that she can be one of the few that can change her ways. Good luck to you.

[Ap22]

Ap22

 

I understand your anger and you have every right to be pissed, but one thing I know is no matter how hard you try, you can't change her personality. If she was the type to place the blame on others and no show love, well it's the way she is so I hope your not expecting miracles because people can only change so much because that's all they can give.

 

Her actions will give you what you need, not the way she's acting now but down the road when the dust settles. Sooner or later we all go back to who we really are and she's no different than anyone else.

 

If you notice that she's going back to her old ways then you'll know that your wasting your time but here's hoping that she can be one of the few that can change her ways. Good luck to you.

 

She wasnt always like this, otherwise I never would have married her. Something changed in her when she started having a mid life crisis. She changed into a completely different person. She would always say "You knew this before you married me" when I would call her out, to which I would reply "Hell no I didnt because I never would have married you if I did".

 

I'm calling it a mid life crisis because she became obsessed with youth. She hung out with much younger people, she lit up when they were shocked at her age, she even wanted to compete in body building competitions with the 23 year old girls at the gym. She really went off the deep end. She really wanted to be young and free again. Trust me, the person she was is not the person I married.

 

So far, she is being the woman she was before she changed. She is even completely different towards the kids. Thats what gives me hope with her that she is being sincere. She is being fantastic with me right now, but its how she is with the kids that gives me hope that she really saw the error of her ways. At times, the kids almost seemed like a nuisance to her. Very rarely would she read my daughter a bed time story, never would she play with her while one of her shows was on......now, she is reading with her every night, lying in bed until my daughter falls asleep, much more patient with them. The other night our favorite show was having its mid season finale. We were all excited to see it. My daughter picks that time to bring out the coloring book. Prior to this, my wife would have gotten mad and told her go color by herself, had my daughter persisted, she would have become more upset. I was shocked that she did not hesitate to make coloring the priority and not watching the show.

 

I'm hoping that her real nature was from the woman I fell in love with and married and this other nature was just her issues messing with her head. Only time will tell.