the_entertainer1 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 So I haven't had that much dating experience til this year. Even now, I've only dated 3 guys this year (one for about a month, one for nearly 6 months, and I'm going on a second date with a new guy this week) but have yet to get to the more serious bf/gf stage. In fact, at the age of 24, I've never had a boyfriend. I've given it a lot of thought and I'm not really sure why - I've been told I'm attractive (beautiful, even, in the eyes of some), I'm intelligent, humorous, have a great job and am financially stable - but I'm a little different to a lot of my peers in that I'm not really into hookups and clubbing. My closest friends are my age, but I've got some great friends who are around my parents' age too - people I've met through work. Occasionally I've been referred to as an 'old soul'. Anyway, I'm pretty happy with my life at the moment, but I would really like someone to share it with. So earlier in the year, I signed up to a dating site. I'm very fussy (that might have something to do with the 'no boyfriend' situation!) At the moment, I'm about to go on a second date with a guy. But, I don't want it to be like the last guy I dated - we went out a lot, but never really developed a more personal relationship ... things just seemed a bit awkward. A good male friend of mine always tells me that it's not really about the dates, but it's about building a relationship BETWEEN dates. That way, you form a closer bond with the person and the relationship doesn't become centred on just going out on dates all the time. I don't know why (because I'm a very sociable person) but I seem to have some difficulty doing this. I always worry that if I text the guy too much (more than one text conversation every couple of days) he'll think I'm too 'needy', or that what I'm saying in the texts is just 'filler' and doesn't really develop things in any way. My friend says I put up a barrier or may (unintentionally) come across as a bit aloof. For some reason I just overthink things, try to predict peoples' responses to things I may say or do, and act accordingly to that. I think that's what stops me from forming a deeper connection with people I date. Sooo - any tips?
Philosoraptor Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well that's your issue right there, you worry too much about what others think. Understand this... finding a good match requires you just being yourself and doing what comes natural. If that scares them away they simply were not a good match to begin with. No need to play games, just be yourself and if you want to talk to them then start a conversation. There is no secret to finding a good match, just be you and do what feels right. If you just want a boyfriend to have a boyfriend, then play games. If you want a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with then just be you let that be the bait... the right fish will be attracted to what you offer naturally. 2
Author the_entertainer1 Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Thanks - great advice So I guess you're saying that a change in my outlook/mindset will lead to a change in behaviour - which, in turn, will lead to a change in my love life? My friend also suggested that others may find me intimidating - he says it's because of my 'beauty', 'intelligence' and 'upbringing' (not trying to blow my own horn here, I promise!) But if those things are a part of me, would an attempt to to be less intimidating mean that I'm not "just being myself"?
Philosoraptor Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Yes. Simply stop thinking so much about what is expected of you and do what you feel and what makes you happy. Why live your life based on others expectations anyways? Seems like a waste. And if someone finds you intimidating then again, they were not a good match. You want to know how many women I intimidated by not playing games and being upfront? Honesty and openness is scary for those who either don't know it or are not mature enough to handle it. By not playing games you are going to scare a lot of the immature types away. It might take a little longer to find someone but you'll find a better match.
Lansing Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 It is a good question. I am a busy person so I tend to look forward more to the date/get together to bond/connect than then in between times. As a female, I think you should let the guy initiate contact between dates and that way you will feel like you aren't doing too much. As long as you are giving the guy the vibe that you are interested (i.e. returning his calls/texts,etc) then I think things can move forward well.
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