He is still in love with his ex

[isabel1]

Hello! I am just wondering you all could help me with some insight regarding my situation with my boyfriend.

 

I broke up with my ex in August and in September, I went to a bar to celebrate my 30th birthday. There, I met a great guy who was coincidentally celebrating his 30th as well. We hit it off really well and he asked me out again the next day. We met everyday for about a week and it was really intense. I felt as though I had met my soulmate. After that he left to go back to the States where he is from. He's a Brit that immigrated to the USA when he was younger and was back visiting his family.

 

We kept in touch every single day. He would call me and text me every day. I was in heaven. His parents were delighted to find out about us, they have been pressuring him to get married and for them, him meeting a British girl was a dream come true to them. I realised then that I have fallen deeply in love with him and I felt very lucky to have found him.

 

Then about a month later, I found out that he was still legally married to his ex-wife. He told me that he didn't like to talk about it but there was nothing to worry about as they have been separated for almost 2 years and they now live in different states. I was upset at first but he convinced me that that she was nothing to him anymore and that the only reason they were not divorced was because she's refusing to sign the papers as she is wanting more money.

 

Fast forward a month and we hit a small rough patch as the distance was starting to get to me. I felt like he was a little distant and not as attentive as I wanted him to be. That was when I discovered a bombshell.

 

I found out that when he met me, he was still in a relationship with another girl. His ex is very young, only 19 years old and he was her first love. He left her for me and she was so totally devastated that she tried to take her own life. She survived but he thought she was dead for about a month and he was also devastated through the entire time.

 

He told friends that the reason he left her was because at 30 years of age, he felt pressured to get married and because she was so young, he thought that she didn't want what he wanted. When he met me, he felt that because I wanted marriage and children, he made a "practical" choice to leave her for me but that he never stopped loving her and that will never change.

 

He found out after he left her that she was actually planning to move to the States to be with him. He then said that he regretted leaving her and that he would do anything to reverse that decision. Theirs was also a long-distance relationship, only 6 months and an online one at that. They have never met in real life and I want to think that means that their relationship is not real but I can't deny the fact that she means very much to him.

 

I confronted him about her and he told me that he didn't see a future with her and that I was the one he chose. I was the one he wants to be with. However, I found out that when he thought she was dead, he was so devastated that he could not go back to work for a week.

 

When he found out she was alive, he was very happy and reconnected with her immediately. They have been having regular contact with each other. He told her that he still loves her very much and that she will always be in his life. However, because he already made a decision, even though he regrets it, he feels that there is no going back because his parents wants him to be with me. Also, his relatives here in our small little town in Britain are starting to hang out with mine and he feels that he needs to see if he & I can work things out.

 

Right now, I know he's still talking to her behind my back. Sometimes he talks to her for hours after he gets back from work and I know that he tells her that he loves her. I know she's asked him if he loves me. He told her that he doesn't know but he has strong feelings for me and wants to be with me thought he had never told me that he loves me. This is true.

 

I don't know what to do. On one hand, I know he is committed to our relationship and wants me. I also feel that because his family is supportive of us (he didn't tell them about her because he felt that they would not approve of the age difference and the fact that they just had an online relationship) gives us a fighting chance. I know once when she was hurting, he offered to leave me but he couldn't go through with it because his parents bought a plane ticket for him to come sort things out with me. He's coming to see me this Christmas.

 

On the other hand, the depth of his feelings for her has me unnerved. Initially, she didn't want him back but something has happened and he apparently has done something to prove to her that his love for her is real. Now, she has told him that she wants him back and that she is certain that sometime in the future they will find their way back together. His answer was "only time will tell" but he agrees with her that he made a mistake leaving her and that if he had to do it all again, he would not have left her. Do you think he's only telling her what she wants to hear?

 

So now, I'm at a loss. I love this man and I don't want to lose him since he seems genuinely sincere in wanting to be with me and not with her. I want to believe that in time this is enough and that his feelings for her will fade away. Right now, she's asking him for some time apart for her to heal. I'm hoping that the time will make her see that she should move on and find someone that wants to be with her and can make her happy.

 

Am I just kidding myself?

[Vogeltron]

It took me a while to realize this. But there are 6 billion people in the world. Expand you horizon. Do not get fixated on something like this. The more time and energy you throw into this the more of a loss it is going to be.

 

I have not hit the 30 mark but I am aware of how many women in their late 20's and early 30's feel the pressure to settle down and what not. Stop wasting your time. They guy is married until he settles that and grows up which at 30 is unreal why waste your time?

 

I don't know you. But if you at least fall in the "average" range for Women. At 30 years old, go to the grocery store and start asking dumb question with average guys who don't have wedding rings to break the ice. Go to the hardware store and you will probably be able to meet anyone you want. At least here in the states, I swear the average "Plain Jane" could meet all kinds men if she was willing to ask guys in different places basic questions about things. How would you BBQ this steak, how do I mix concrete, etc. AKA play stupid on the particular subject. Even if you are a PHD.

 

I am a guy, I know this. When it comes to meeting people it can be much easier for women. They don't even have to be direct etc. I have a sister who is your age told her to do this close to two years ago. She is now engaged.

[isabel1]

He's getting a divorce as we speak. He hired a lawyer as soon as he got back to the States.

 

I don't know. I love this man a lot. I am holding on to the hope that he left her for me and that I am the one he's choosing to be with. After all, at this moment things seem to be in my favour. I am afraid if I leave, I will regret not giving him a chance.

[Treasa]

You're kidding me, right? Please tell me this is all made up.

 

He's married to one woman, has another woman who's still technically a teenager as the love of his life, has never met her, and is waffling between the two of you, and you've only known him since September??

 

This is not a man who's going to marry you and stick with you through the rough times. He's being incredibly douchey, and it's still the honeymoon period for the two of you.

 

Not to mention the fact that you've hardly actually been with him in person.

 

Cut him loose now, and find someone local who actually wants to be with you.

[isabel1]

No. Unfortunately it's not made up. This is my life right now. I guess it must all sound really bad if it sounds made up.

 

Sigh. Do you think she's really the "love of his life"? It's really hard for me now because it all just went sour in matter of weeks and when I first met him, I thought I had found something special.

 

He's still calling me and texting me everyday. He acts like he wants me and cares about me. It's really hard to let go when he's acting like I am the one that matters.

 

He's coming to see me for the Christmas holidays and I would be lying if I said I am not hoping for a miracle. He says he wants to work things out.

 

I guess I'm going to have to try and leave him but I really don't know if I can.

[Zahara]

This man is still married. He's emotionally invested in a 19 year old. He's also now invested in you, and you haven't even actually met and you've known him for a few months. His parents, equally delusional, pressuring him to get married to someone he hardly knows. SMH.

 

Three women hanging on his back. That's a perfect scenario for the makings of a healthy and committed relationship.

 

Who cares whether she's really the love of his life? He is not emotionally available and healthy in any sense. I'm not sure why you've invested so much and have such high expectations in someone that you hardly know.

[isabel1]

I have met him. We met for the first time in real life when he was on holiday here in the UK and we went out everyday for a week.

 

His ex-wife is pretty much out of the picture, they have not spoken in years and the main reason it was so hard for him to get the divorce was because she just walked out on him and he couldn't find her. Even now, his lawyer is having a hard time locating her.

 

I guess all it boils down is his 19 year old ex (who'd turned 20 in October). He loves her but doesn't see a future with her so he chose me. I guess this is the main problem because he wants to love me, cares for me and wants to be with me but he is still in love with her.

 

I know you all say that I hardly know him but we've been texting each other since we met and have spoken every single day. There was a very strong connection between us when we met and both of us can see a shared future together. I'm hoping that when we meet again for the second time during Christmas, we can use this time together to strengthen this bond between us.

 

I guess it all boils down to whether he can forget his feelings for her in the future and fall in love with me, which I gather, most people here think is not going to happen.

[Zahara]

You went out everyday for a week. What does that mean except for the fact that you romanticized that short time you had with him and caused yourself to get so emotionally attached to someone that you don't really know. You didn't even know he was legally married until a month after talking to him. And even then he was evasive and not wanting to talk to about it. So, in the grand scheme of things, what is the relevance of you spending a week together when an important detail like that isn't even discussed? And don't truly believe everything someone tells you. There's always another side to the story.

 

"Right now, I know he's still talking to her behind my back. Sometimes he talks to her for hours after he gets back from work and I know that he tells her that he loves her. I know she's asked him if he loves me. He told her that he doesn't know but he has strong feelings for me and wants to be with me thought he had never told me that he loves me. This is true."

 

So he loves her but can't be with her and he doesn't know whether he loves you but wants to be with you. So he chose you as a default?

 

Granted he speaks to you everyday, he's also speaking to her. She told him she wants to be with him and he said only time will tell. I see what he's doing. I'm sure you see it too.

[Cabinet]

Are you kidding yourself?

 

Yes, you are.

 

Namely, you have a guy who was not up front with you AT ALL about his personal life or "availability" for a relationship. You found out that not only is he still technically married, but he also has a girlfriend. You think he has "chosen" you? What in the world does that mean? Unless he was cutting off ALL contact with both of the others and completely committing to you and only you.... then maybe that means he chose you. He isn't doing that though. You have no idea what he is telling her.... he probably tells her the same thing.

 

You are holding on to hope that because his FAMILY likes you that you somehow have a leg up. In the long run, that isn't going to matter. He told you they bought him a plane ticket so he could come back and see YOU over Christmas? That sounds very questionable to me. Doesn't it seem more likely that they bought him a plane ticket to come and visit THEM (his family!) over Xmas? Honestly, why does his family have to buy him the plane ticket anyway? At his age is he not financially secure enough to buy his own plane ticket?

 

I just think he likes having 2 women (maybe 3) on 2 continents with the ability to string them along any way he wants.

 

Plus if he isn't grown up enough to see the foolishness of dating a 19 year old who is unstable enough to attempt suicide and then continue to get sucked back into her drama.... don't you want to be able to see that he isn't displaying the best judgement? do you really want a guy who is going to fall for this kind of stuff or have some sort of KISA complex?

 

I'm sorry about your prior break up but there are a lot of red flags on this guy and I'd have to tell you to seriously guard your heart and/or reconsider the whole relationship.

[Emilia]

They have never met in real life and I want to think that means that their relationship is not real but I can't deny the fact that she means very much to him.

I'm sorry but I would have started laughing so hard at this point... then would have lost all respect for him.

 

What a chump.

[AlexiaBrinn]

lol. You dont need a dude thats not in the relationship with his mind.

dump him asap!

[CrystalCastles]

Theirs was also a long-distance relationship, only 6 months and an online one at that. They have never met in real life and I want to think that means that their relationship is not real but I can't deny the fact that she means very much to him.

 

I think that 19 yo gal needs some serious councelling to have attempted to commit suicide over a man she has never met in real life. The only thing I see happening here is a potential love triangle, where this POS and the OP get married, and the 19 yo becomes OW.

[mortensorchid]

I had to go back and read all of that, it sounds like a soap opera plot! You couldn't make it up if you tried to!

 

 

Honestly, I you better just get out while the getting is still good. Do you REALLY want to be a part of this? If the answer is "I don't know", or "I think I do", then you really need some professional help for you, not the two of them. This cannot be fixed by you or any other source. Walk away from it all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I'd say you're kidding yourself. It's painful but I think he's not worth your emotional pain, OP.

 

You've spent just a few days with him face-to-face. He was being unfaithful (albeit, to an online girlfriend) with you. I would advise you not to believe that what he's telling you about these other women is the whole truth, either. He was dishonest with you from the get-go. Why should you believe what he says now?

 

He told you he's still in love with someone else. Listen to him, and don't waste more time with this guy. If I had to hedge my bets, I'd say he's going to come and spend some time with you over the holidays (because his parents bought him a ticket and they want him to marry you) and then pull the slow fade. Call me cynical, but I wouldn't put much faith in this guy. He's got other options close to home and that doesn't bode well.

 

May I ask how you found out about him still being married and his teenaged girlfriend?

[Cabinet]

isabel,

 

Just to try to recap here: you only spent one week with him in person. This guy is not your soulmate! He just isn't! You can't build a strong lasting relationship with someone you spent 7 days with and then whom spends the next 5 months basically half lying to you about his real life, plus wavering on whether he wants to be with you anyway.

 

Please stop viewing him as a prize. There is no way this guy is a prize. He sounds like a liar and a loser. A 30 year old man "in love" with a 19 yo he never even met? That's creepy and immature!

 

You can do SOOOOOO much better!

[isabel1]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I think I'll talk to him about breaking up. It's really hard, because the reality is that I do want to be with him. He is still saying to my face that I'm the one he chose and I'm the one he wants for the rest of his life. He wants to marry me and that he sees a future with me?

 

How do you tell someone who's saying all these things that you don't want to be with him anymore when deep down you really, really do?

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hello! I am just wondering you all could help me with some insight regarding my situation with my boyfriend.

 

Then about a month later, I found out that he was still legally married to his ex-wife. He told me that he didn't like to talk about it but there was nothing to worry about as they have been separated for almost 2 years and they now live in different states.

I found out that when he met me, he was still in a relationship with another girl. His ex is very young, only 19 years old and he was her first love. He left her for me and she was so totally devastated that she tried to take her own life. She survived but he thought she was dead for about a month and he was also devastated through the entire time.

 

He told friends that the reason he left her was because at 30 years of age, he felt pressured to get married and because she was so young, he thought that she didn't want what he wanted. When he met me, he felt that because I wanted marriage and children, he made a "practical" choice to leave her for me but that he never stopped loving her and that will never change.

 

He found out after he left her that she was actually planning to move to the States to be with him. He then said that he regretted leaving her and that he would do anything to reverse that decision. Theirs was also a long-distance relationship, only 6 months and an online one at that. They have never met in real life and I want to think that means that their relationship is not real but I can't deny the fact that she means very much to him.

 

I confronted him about her and he told me that he didn't see a future with her and that I was the one he chose. I was the one he wants to be with. However, I found out that when he thought she was dead, he was so devastated that he could not go back to work for a week.

 

When he found out she was alive, he was very happy and reconnected with her immediately. They have been having regular contact with each other. He told her that he still loves her very much and that she will always be in his life. However, because he already made a decision, even though he regrets it, he feels that there is no going back because his parents wants him to be with me.

 

Right now, I know he's still talking to her behind my back. Sometimes he talks to her for hours after he gets back from work and I know that he tells her that he loves her. I know she's asked him if he loves me. He told her that he doesn't know but he has strong feelings for me and wants to be with me thought he had never told me that he loves me. This is true.

 

I don't know what to do. On one hand, I know he is committed to our relationship and wants me. I also feel that because his family is supportive of us (he didn't tell them about her because he felt that they would not approve of the age difference and the fact that they just had an online relationship) gives us a fighting chance. I know once when she was hurting, he offered to leave me but he couldn't go through with it because his parents bought a plane ticket for him to come sort things out with me. He's coming to see me this Christmas.

 

On the other hand, the depth of his feelings for her has me unnerved. Initially, she didn't want him back but something has happened and he apparently has done something to prove to her that his love for her is real. Now, she has told him that she wants him back and that she is certain that sometime in the future they will find their way back together. His answer was "only time will tell" but he agrees with her that he made a mistake leaving her and that if he had to do it all again, he would not have left her. Do you think he's only telling her what she wants to hear?

 

So now, I'm at a loss. I love this man and I don't want to lose him since he seems genuinely sincere in wanting to be with me and not with her.

 

Am I just kidding myself?

 

YES you ALL SOUND MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE. I had to do the full caps. Get it together! You are 30 but behaving like 15. He is full of it. All parties involved seem to be lacking logic.

 

You "fell" for a fling whom you knew nothing about. "Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life." Why would you allow yourself to be in so deep with a perfect stranger after a mere week?

 

He is "in love" and calls a girl whom he never met and is merely phone/pen pals with "the love of his life?" What grown person at 30yrs old does this? And why is he dating a teen? THIS DOESN'T TELL YOU HE'S mentally and emotionally immature? So he was sooo amazing he hid the fact that he is MARRIED? As fickle as he is, he might even tell you and the little girl that he's decided to reconcile with his wife.

 

He clearly has a type as this poor little girl almost took her life over this loser. He preys on the emotionally/mentally fragile and manipulates them. This takes me to another adage, "a double minded man in unstable in all of his ways." Ending one's life over a "love" they've never met is beyond my comprehension but mental illness is no joke; I hope she gets help. He builds fantasy worlds in women's heads and his alleged estranged wife probably got tired of the lies and manipulation and pulled a Houdini for her own sanity and emotional sake. This is a pattern.

 

I find it odd his parents are pressuring him into "marriage" considering HE IS ALREADY IN ONE TO DATE. That makes no logical sense and sounds like hogwash. I think he is a professional manipulator, knew about your age and vulnerability and told you all the shet you wanted to hear to keep you hooked. No sensible parent is going to pressure their STILL MARRIED child into ANOTHER MARRIAGE straight away. They will tell him to take time to heal and analyze BEFORE making another potential mistake.

 

You boyfriend is lying unless his family is absolutely dense with the reasoning ability of a gnat. You are desperately clinging to some futile hope with something built on a superficial, rocky foundation. No sex is ever amazing enough for me to go through this. At 30yrs old, you can keep pursuing this upside down relationship or you can come to your senses like an intelligent adult and not waste your time for a fruitless cause. The fact you try to justify and validate all this drama/lies is beyond me.

 

You have low self esteem. Please know your worth so you stop settling for crumbs. This is NOT how a healthy, normal, functional relationship works!

Edited December 11, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly