Am I a loser because my Fiancée passed away and I am still a virgin at 26?

[regine_phalange]

Oh, and I am also 26, and if I met someone my age who is a virgin I wouldn't mind AT ALL, if the person was lovely and attractive to my eyes!

[BillJJ]

Thank you regine_phalange and LouiseReynolds

 

I generally don’t advertise it because I know the reputation that is associated with it but I have ADHD and OCD and with the exception of Katie and Emma I never told anybody outside of my family about it because I didn’t want people to see me differently. As much as I would like to believe everybody in the world was accepting of that I have watched people who were more open about it get bullied and singled out from when I was a kid up until today and even people I work with make a variety of jokes about it not knowing I have it so if anybody on this forum wants to tease me for it go ahead.

 

Growing up I was always ahead of the other children around my age and while I was not as advanced as Tori (Amy’s daughter) I see a lot of myself in her and she continues to surprise me with the things she achieves and I am very proud of her much like her Mother. It was hard watching other children get bullied in my old school for having disabilities like ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome, OCD, Tourette's syndrome and at times I felt like there was something wrong with me and the only person I could be myself around and trust was Katie because I knew she didn’t care that I had ADHD and OCD and in a way it made it so much more difficult when I lost her and my old friends blamed me because I felt like I had nobody I could trust.

 

I’m not exactly sure what is going on with Amy and I but she kissed me yesterday and it was the first kiss I have had (on the lips) since Katie passed away and I guess you could say it was really nice but we aren’t in a relationship yet and we’re taking things one day at a time. I told my Mum how I feel about Amy and she already knew and said she could see it on my face every time she talks about her and it is the same look I gave when someone used to say Katie’s name. She doesn’t think anybody in our family is going to judge us and my Aunt (Amy’s Step Mum) and her have suspected something has been going on between us for a while so maybe we really do have a chance.

 

I had to tell Amy how I felt and I probably should have waited but I couldn’t just spend my life trying to pretend I didn’t have feelings for her when almost every song I write is about her and on the days where I feel like my whole world is crashing down she is the one thing that keeps me going. When I lost Emma I was a complete mess and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown Amy was there for me like she is now and she would hold me while I cried and she gave up so much to take care of me and I have never taken her kindness for granted. She is having money problems at the moment and can barely afford to provide for her and Tori and pay her bills so I am helping her out too.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow your story is very sad that it can bring anyone in tears. I'm sorry to hear you lost your fiancee (best friend also) at a very early age as well as Amy too. It's not your fault that happened and accidents are very unpredictable. You're definitely not a loser for reminding a virgin at the age of 26. I'm your same age and have only been with 1 man in my life, by then bf (no ex bf).

 

If any women is turned off by you being a virgin even after she knows your story, she is nothing but a shallow person. You wouldn't want to invest minutes with her anyway. There are more of us that would rather prefer a virgin or low-count man than the typical Don Juan types (they're annoying) that has sex with different women for the hell of it.

Edited December 15, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Eivuwan]

Seems like things are looking up for you OP. Keep your head up! ADHD and OCD are very treatable problems. It's unfortunate that there are people out there who are insensitive about these issues, but there are also many who are kind and understanding. Don't forget about the latter when you feel attacked.

[BillJJ]

Thank you for the kind words samsungxoxo.

 

Amy is actually still alive and she is the woman I want to marry one day. We have known each other most our lives and I have loved her for a long time but I just thought I never had a chance with her because a lot of people see us as cousins (which we aren’t) and now I know she loves me too and I wouldn’t exactly say we are in a relationship yet we want to be and we are just taking things slowly. I met Emma at TAFE and we were friends for a few years and she passed away in 2009. I loved her but at the time I just wasn't ready for a relationship and I couldn’t tell her how I felt but now I think I am.

 

I appreciate what you wrote Eivuwan

 

Things are looking up and I didn’t expect my family to be so understanding of this but I was wrong and they just want me to be happy and they want Amy to be happy too. My Mother was Amy’s favourite Aunt when she was growing up and she was like a daughter to her and Amy used to get bullied a bit when she was in high school for being overweight and looking at her now you would never believe that but her Dad and Step Mum were always at work so my Mum was there for her. Her only real concern for me going into this is Amy having an 8 year old because she doesn’t know if I am ready for that yet and she said if I marry her one day I am going to have to become her daughter’s Dad which I have no problem with.

 

Tori (Amy’s daughter) doesn’t have a Father anymore because her Father was a prick and Amy never wants to see or hear from him again and she especially does not want him coming near her daughter or she will kill him and she is not joking. Amy’s ex was psychically abusive and whenever he got angry he would hit her and her daughter and do other types of things to them and then he would tell her it was her fault and he didn’t want to do it but she caused him to. I didn’t know he was doing it and the strange thing was he seemed like a decent bloke and I liked him but it was an act he would put on in front of everybody and if I had known what he was doing he wouldn’t have got away with doing it.

 

Amy and her ex-husband lived together up in Queensland for a few months and when she came back I knew there was something wrong and I was the first person she told and I did my best to look after her and her daughter and we lived together for a while and then I lost Emma and she wanted to look after me and I tried to push her back because I thought something bad would happen to her too but she wouldn’t let me and I will never forget that. I am the closest thing Tori has to a Dad and I want to be the Father she deserves to have because she is an amazing little girl and I care about her a lot and Amy knows that and I usually take care of her when Amy has to work on the days I am not working.

 

I don’t want Tori to go through what those other kids went through when I was young and I was very lucky in a way because I had Katie but Tori has had a hard time making friends at school and she likes to hang around with adults more than children because she says they don’t understand anything she talks about and call her weird and her Mum is her best friend. Amy wants to send Tori to a school for gifted children because she isn’t really learning anything in school she doesn’t know but she is having money problems at the moment and can barely pay afford to pay her bills. I want to help her but she keeps turning me down and she says she has to handle it herself and she can’t keep lending money off me but maybe now things have changed between us she won’t mind and I can finally help her.

Edited December 18, 2013 by BillJJ

[BillJJ]

Wow. Thank you Louise Reynolds.

 

That was very kind of you to write but believe me when I say I am the lucky one. Amy has done a lot for me over the years and she has always been there for me and very protective of me and too and I now Amy is the one that needs help this time I want to do the same thing she has done for me over years and help her.

[BillJJ]

Thanks again.

 

Finding out Amy felt the same way as me for all those years changed everything and she told me she was afraid of saying anything too because she didn’t know how I would react and I said something to her a few months ago that made her suspect I had feelings for her and she thought if she hinted that she was going to start dating again I would say something and that was one of the reasons I told her I loved her because I didn’t want to lose her. Amy hasn’t dated another man since she broke up with her ex-husband and since then she has always been with me and we have gone to concerts, bowling, ice skating, movies, restaurants, art galleries etc together and with Tori and I guess you could say we have been dating for years without calling it dating and we were going out together as best friends.

 

Amy became an introvert after she got divorced and she was lonely and most weeks she would go to work and come home and at the same time she was raising her daughter and I could see she was not happy so I got her to go out with me and have fun again and I made her laugh again too and then we lived together for a while and she would tell me about her ex-husband and she would cry and I hated seeing her that way and I tried my best to comfort her. She lived with me again for a few weeks after I lost Emma and it wasn’t until after she moved out I started to have feelings for her and we went to an Easter party in 2011 and I always knew she was beautiful but that day she lit up the entire room.

 

She has long red hair and freckles and she is incredibly beautiful but when we go out somewhere she always spends hours in the bathroom covering her freckles with makeup and I don’t understand why she does it because I think they are pretty. The funny thing was I used to tease her about being short because she always needed somebody to help her get things and I can’t believe I did that now and it is like the way I saw her when I was a kid has changed so much to how I see her now. Amy is forward and she introduced me as her boyfriend to one of her work friends when we were at the shops and I am taking things slow at the moment but I like being her boyfriend now.

[Noproblem]

You are not a loser!

Don't say that!

You should be proud of yourself. You are a survivor.

It's so hard to lose someone you care about, let alone loved!

 

There is a good novel, very sad about grieve and losing your love and best friend, you should check it out, but it's so sad I'm warning you. I kept on crying the whole time I read it! ...Called Fly away.

 

I don't know why age matters when it comes to when you are ready to make you love and get into real relationships.

 

My advice to you is to start looking for real friends who will stand by yourside and who can share your pain and make you laugh again.

 

If you die, your family will suffer, you don't want them to suffer.. Do you?

 

Live, go on. It's hard, but make each day a living experience.

Learn new things, go back to school. I know you have money and a stable job, but studying can really help takes your mind of things and expand your world.

 

Try to write a , stating everything good about your life.. It will help!

[Noproblem]

Also, I read your last replies about Amy now.. I really hope things will work out between you two.

 

Don't let fear stand in the way and hope for the best always..

 

 

Well, it would be a lie if I tell you I do that. Actually, I fret a lot before anything happens in my life, but then I let everything work its way and wait .....If we can't change what will happen, we might as well try to stop fretting a little.

[Mrlonelyone]

You are not a looser. All the sluts and man-sluts out there who go from bed to bed those are the long term losers. In five more years, the fact that you were engaged, and that you bore what happened the way you did will look like a bright green flag to many young women who will be looking to get married.

[BillJJ]

Thank you Louise Reynolds, No Problems and Mr Lonely One.

 

It is true. Amy is beautiful but it is not just her long red hair, green eyes and freckles that make her beautiful to me and it is everything from the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way she carries herself, the way she believes in me and the way she gets all embarrassed and covers her eyes when I bring up something funny from the past. She is messy, she is clumsy, she is kooky and she will come out with the weirdest things because she says whatever is on her mind but it is all those things that I love about her and I am still falling in love with her every day. Amy is strong, intelligent, funny, kind-hearted, talented, caring, a great Mum and she just has this ability to make people feel special.

 

Sorry if I am sounding a bit cheesy but HELLO – songwriter and poet here and I have made a living on being a little corny and anything else you would like to call it. Amy is the one and if she isn’t I don’t know who is because I have never had an emotional connection this strong with anyone since Katie passed away and she has always been there for me the most when I was down and I was ready to give up and she is one of the reasons I didn’t crack when Emma passed away. We both know each other inside and out along with each others deepest and most embarrassing secrets and in a way she has been the light that has guided me in from the storm and the one person I can always turn to.

 

Going to my therapist has brought back so many memories about my childhood and there are some I still have trouble talking about but others that are amusing like one time when I think I was 10 and Amy was 14 she told me there was nothing that could scare her so I found one of my baby teeth and I sat it on her leg and she was like “AAHHHHH! It is a tooth, it is a tooth. Get if off me” and it was one of the funniest I have seen because she just froze and she called me a little turd after my Mum got it off her and I drove her insane sometimes and we would argue and she would call me names like the above but after I lost Katie she became really nice and over the last decade we become best friends.

 

When I was depressed and I felt like killing myself it upset her and my cousin (Amy’s step sister) who has been very supportive of our relationship and knew Amy loved me before I did told me she loved me but if I did that again to Amy I wouldn’t have to worry about killing myself because she would do it for me and it is understandable she feels that way. I am sorting my life out because I really want to get better and at the same time I want to make my girlfriend happy and show her she does not need to worry about me and I will never do anything to hurt her like that again. I also want her to see that I am capable of being a great stable Husband to her one day and a great Father to Tori too.

 

I will look into the novel you suggested Noproblem and I won’t let fear stand in the way anymore.

[BillJJ]

Okay. Now I am embarrassed. :lol: I guess now you have an idea of how hard it has been for me over the years trying to hide my feelings from her when I love her the way I do. There were so many times I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her but I was afraid if I did I would ruin everything we had because most people saw us as cousins. Then there was the fact I was broken after losing the last two women I loved and at one point it seemed like almost everyone I got close to had something horrible happen to them and I didn't want anything to happen to her and lastly she is older than me and all the guys she was with before me like her ex-husband were much older than me.

 

I honestly don’t know when I fell in love with Amy or how it happened. There was the Easter party in 2011 I previously wrote about and she kept asking me why I was acting so weird around her because she looked so beautiful and the times she looked after me after Emma passed away when she would hold me until I stopped crying but there were these moments where she really opened up to me and just confided in me after she got divorced and this is going to sound mushy but it was like I could see inside her heart and the girl that had always been like a big sister to me growing up suddenly turned into the most amazing woman in the world and I thought that if I could make her smile again I would know what it felt like to truly succeed at something ‘good’ after all the horrible things I did.

 

When I was a boy my dream was to be a singer or a musician when I was older because I loved music and Katie shared that same dream and we would spend hours listening to music and learning how to sing our favourite songs and we would perform in front of people and won a few talent competitions and it was fun but then I lost Katie and even though I never gave up partly thanks to Emma who used to say I was really talented and I shouldn’t waste my gift the dream felt meaningless when I achieved it without her because I found out what I really wanted was love. Some people think having money is the source of happiness and maybe that is true for some but it means nothing to me if I have nobody to share it with and having Amy and Tori in my life is what really makes me feel like a rich man.

 

We made love for the first time that night and I don’t particularly feel comfortable writing about that on a forum but I will say is it was strange, awkward and amazing all at the same time and a part of me was worried I would be horrible because it was my first time as you know but Amy told me it was not bad and I will get better and she let me hold her that night and she was very cuddly the next day so I don’t know why I was so worried about that now. I think saving myself for somebody I loved was the right thing to do and even though I didn’t lose my virginity until the night before my 27th birthday I have no regrets because I lost it to a woman I can honestly say I love and that was what I wanted.

[samsungxoxo]

Good to hear that things have been going for the better and that you fell in love again. I just read on your latest update that you're no longer a virgin. Wow that must have been refreshing after everything you went through. Enjoy this new experience and hope you have a great New Year.

 

I still remembered my first time and not only I wasn't too good at it but it was painful too; not exactly fun for me. In a way it's better when it's a man's first time than a woman's. By Jan. 4, i'll mark exactly 7 years later since I lost it.

[BillJJ]

Thank you. It was refreshing.

 

Making love to Amy is like nothing I have ever done before and I don’t know how to describe but it is incredible and the first time we made love we were making out in my bedroom and she took her top off and I was a little nervous and I asked her if it were too soon and she wanted us to wait longer and she told me she loved me and she wanted to make love to me and she was slow and gentle and even though it wasn’t perfect she said it was special and I am really happy with that because I wanted it to be special not just for me but for Amy because I love her and I think this has made me love her more and if the two of us are still together next December I am definitely going to ask her to marry me.

 

Okay. I will be honest here. This is a little embarrassing for me to admit and I am sure there are some people that are going to get a good laugh out of reading this just on the basis of me being 27 and still new to this but I am not exactly sure how I should make the next move. I am still learning and Amy is very understanding of that and she says she doesn’t expect me to be perfect and she enjoys teaching me and telling me what to do and this just goes back to our childhood when I would do things to her and she would chase me around the house and pin me down on the ground and she would make me apologise and say I was a little turd and do embarrassing things I would rather not mention on here.

 

Amy was stronger and taller than me when we were younger and it is funny thinking about that now because now I am the one that is over 6 foot and she is only 5 foot 3 and I think she shrunk over the years and I remember when I was growing up I would tease her and call her shortass and other names and she would say just because you are taller than me doesn’t mean I can’t take you down and she is still quite strong and she thinks it is funny being the more experienced one in the bedroom and she jokes about it but she is fine with it. There has already been a second and a third time and she was the one that initiated things every time and I would like to be the one that does that so I need to work it out and I will talk to her about it.

 

Amy has always wanted to go on a trip around the world since she was little and see all the different countries and I told her sometime next year the three of us should do it and she thinks I am mad and is worried about leaving everything here along with our jobs but I have been spending the past years of my life feeling like I am dead and I want to live again and I want Amy and Tori to live too and there are no two people in this world I would rather do that with and she said she will go so that should be fun.

[regine_phalange]

Bill! That's great to hear:) I'm happy for you, for coming closer with the girl you love. Have a lot of fun. Next time just start kissing and caressing her, and everything will fall into place. Have a happy new year and enjoy life with your loved ones!

[BillJJ]

Hi regine_phalange

 

Thank you for the advice and the New Year’s wishes.

 

I have discussed it with Amy and she gets all giggly over it and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but she said our last time was the best and I was a good student and I asked her if I got an A+ yet and she was it was a B and I had to work my way up to an A + and the only thing I needed to remember was she was in charge and I told her that we will see about that and we got into a little pretend fight last night and wrestled and made love again and I think I made the first move that time.

 

I think I love Amy as much as I loved Katie and it is like every time we kiss, cuddle and make love it is everything I wanted and more and sometimes I don’t want to stop and I want to lose myself in her and make love to her all day and it is like there is a fire inside of me if that makes sense.

 

Tori has seen Amy and I kissing each other a quite a few times and she asked me the other day if I loved her Mum because when people kiss it means they love each other and I told her I did and then she asked if we going to get married and I didn’t know what to say so I said maybe one day and she said she would like that and she cuddled me. She told me last year she wished that I was her Daddy because her Daddy was mean and he didn’t love her and over the past few years Tori has told me numerous stories about what her Dad would do when he was angry and if I could take those horrible memories away from her I would because it breaks my heart hearing her talk about them.

 

I am not sure how to describe it but my life has just changed so much lately and it is like a part of me has been set free and I see all the mistakes that I was making pushing people away who love and care about me and I realise by doing that I was not protecting them and I was just making things so much harder for myself and hurting Amy at the same time. After I lost Emma I felt lost and I guess you could say I was searching for reasons and somebody or something to blame and I blamed myself and being cursed was the only explanation I could come up with after losing Katie before because it’s not exactly normal for somebody to lose the two people they love as I was told by other people.

 

When I look back at those times now Amy was always there for me and I would have arguments with her some days and treated her horribly the year Emma passed away but she knew I never meant any of it and I was just angry with everything and everybody at one point. I lost a number of people close to me in 2009 and it was hard and I think Amy was the only thing that stopped me from cracking and she knew those people too and loved them but she managed to keep herself together and she is one of the strongest people I know.