Am I a loser because my Fiancée passed away and I am still a virgin at 26?

[BillJJ]

To cut a very long story short my girlfriend passed away in a car accident when I was 17 and we were close from basically the day we were born and were going to get married when we turned 18 but my life didn't turn out the way I had planned and I went through depression. I chose to blame myself for my girlfriend's death and I become an alcoholic and got addicted to drugs because I thought it was the best way to drown my pain and tried ending my life just so I could be with her again but I am still here today and after all those years I can say I am one hundred percent clean. I don't drink or do any forms of illegal drugs anymore and I have turned my whole life around but I still feel empty on the inside.

 

As much as I loved her I want to move on because I don't want to live my life alone but there is a part of me that is afraid of getting close to another woman because I might lose them too and that might sound strange to some people but the last woman I got close to and become friends with passed away too so I feel like I have been cursed and I am not sure what I did wrong. I am not looking to lose my virginity just for the sake of it or I would have lost it a long time ago and I am starting to think I might be asexual because I don't think about sex or have any sexual urges and believe my sex drive may have died when I lost my old girlfriend.

 

I currently work as a musician, songwriter, music journalist and a part time teacher and some people might think having money makes you happy but I would trade it all in for just a few minutes with my old girlfriend because none of it means a cent to me. I still miss her close to a decade later and some days I think I should have been the one who had passed away that day because she had more to live for than me and she was very talented and never got to show the world that. When I lost her I didn't just lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. Our Mothers were best friends so we were very close from when we were born and grew up together and for 17 years I only loved one person.

 

The other woman I mentioned was only a friend but I loved her and I could never tell her how I felt about her because a large part of me felt guilty even having those feelings for a woman that wasn’t my old girlfriend. I knew she liked me because her friends told me and had she had lived I would have tried. She passed away in a car accident too in 2009 and that is one of the main reasons I don’t drive and it is like everybody I get close to passes away whether it be my girlfriend, my friend, my Pop and my Aunt and I am struggling to see the point of living some days because if I died tomorrow I would be back with my girlfriend and my friend again and I would be happy.

[Eggplant]

Just know you are not alone -- there are people out there who will understand your pain.

[Grumpybutfun]

BillJJ:

Have you tried grief counseling? It sounds as though you aren't processing your grief or your pain. Having a tragedy that early in life can be traumatic for a teenager, so you need to speak to someone professionally. I can only imagine those who love us do not want us to stop living when they do.

Sincerely,

Grumps

[JoshR81]

I am struggling to see the point of living some days because if I died tomorrow I would be back with my girlfriend and my friend again and I would be happy.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what your religous views are, but i wouldn't count on being reunited with your GF when you die.

It's a nice thought, and preferrable to any other scenarios.

 

 

Look on the positive side, you had 2 girls that were interested in you. You obviously have something attractive about you. That 3rd girl may be around the corner.

It's incedibly sad what happened, but don't let the death of them be the death of you. Remember them fondly, and try to move on. You can't turn back time.

 

 

As for being a virgin, you've got a very good reason as to why.

 

 

I'm 32 and a virgin. Never had a GF.

 

 

Good luck.

[BillJJ]

Thank you for replying and to be honest, I don’t really care about being a virgin that much but I am worried about what other people would think about it because you hear about so many young people losing their virginity early on the internet these days so I assumed some people might think it was very odd if they were to find out. I am already worried I might scare a woman off I told her the two women I loved passed away and they would think they might become number three and I guess you could say I am nervous about getting close to somebody again. If I am to lose my virginity I don’t want to lose it just for the sake of it as I mentioned and it has to be with somebody I love.

 

After I lost my girlfriend I did go to a few therapists but at the time I was too angry and messed up to listen to anybody and I started drinking roughly around that time and later got addicted to coke and I would drink myself into oblivion and woke up in places I didn’t remember going to. I guess I saw it as a form of escape but I realized after a while it didn’t fix anything and was just making things worse. I hated the person I was becoming because it was so far from the type of person I was before and there were days where I wanted to stay in bed and not do anything.

 

I wanted to die because I didn’t want to live in a world without her. It is still hard to talk about now but I cut myself off from the world and didn’t talk to anybody including my own parents for over six months because my so-called friends at the time blamed me for her death and even though I wasn’t with her when it happened I was there with Katie in the hospital and my parents drove me there right after we got the news and I think some people assume that she passed away instantly after the accident but that wasn’t what happened. There was a point where they thought she was going to live and she didn’t make it and I watched her pass away and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it and save her and that image is something that has stayed with me for a long time.

 

Katie (my old girlfriend) in many ways was like my soul mate and we saw each other every single day growing up and she would sleep over my house some nights and I would sleep over hers and the two of us already had our lives planned and we wanted to be in a band when we were older and she was going to be the lead singer and I was going to play guitar and do backup vocals. She had a great voice and if she had lived I have no doubt she would be famous now and while I can sing I don’t see myself as a ‘great’ singer and I like to have other people sing my songs. I started writing poetry when I was 8 and most of my poems were for her and that later evolved into writing songs when I was a teenager.

 

I taught myself how to play guitar, bass, piano and drums my friend (Emma) thought I was talented and after I lost Katie I stopped writing songs and playing instruments and she was the reason I started again. Emma helped me through a lot and I just hope she really knows how much that meant to me and how much I loved her. She was the one who ultimately helped me get back on my feet again and she helped me see that I wasn’t responsible for Katie’s death and I needed to stop blaming myself for it. I had already given up drinking and drugs by that time but I was trying to bury everything inside and she showed me I didn’t have to do that.

 

I have considered talking to somebody about but I am not sure where I should go.

 

 

I'm not sure what your religous views are, but i wouldn't count on being reunited with your GF when you die.

It's a nice thought, and preferrable to any other scenarios.

Katie and I were both Christians and even though I don’t go to church anymore I know killing myself won’t put us back together but dying to save the life of somebody else will.

[Vogeltron]

As sorry I am for your loss and much of a tragedy it is. Nearly 10 years.

 

You don't have to have sex to go out and meet people. Personally if I went out on dates with anyone I would even mention it.

 

Not in the same situation as you but I had a hard time getting out there and meeting people for my early 20's. Spent those years scared and afraid. I have learned even if you are afraid to directly ask women out. Just getting use to talking to people of all walks of like. Men, women, younger, older, attractive, ugly it is all progress.

 

It is one of those things where you have to want to change. For me at some point I just realized I didn't care anymore. Life is to short and the worst thing that could happen was get rejected and some girl say I was a loser to her friends. At that point I realized it doesn't matter.

 

I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. It finally registered with me wasting more time was worse than any kind of rejection I could get.

 

As bad as it is. At some point you have to get over it. Reach down grab your balls tell yourself you are a man and make the change. Otherwise you will be stuck where you are forever.

[BillJJ]

You're right. It has been nearly 10 years but Emma only passed away in 2009. Emma saw something inside of me that I was too blind to see at the time and she believed in me like nobody else and I owe her a lot for that and I know deep down if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be where I am today because I was such a mess when I met her at my old University and she basically helped me turn my entire life around.

 

Looking back I realise how much she cared about me and I feel like I took her for granted and I wish I had another chance to tell her how I truly felt about her. There were so many things that I never said because I had feelings of guilt and confusion and when I see her old friends they say Emma loved me and she knew but it is not the same and what hurts me the most is I know if Emma was alive now we would be together and after already losing Katie all those years ago it is like somebody is giving me a sign that that I am meant to be alone. That is what scares me about getting close to another woman because I could fall in love with her too and then something bad could happen like it did to Katie and Emma and that would be another death on my conscious and I couldn’t handle it happening again. I feel like I have been cursed.

 

I want to move on and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I’m not a murderer and it is like there are two conflicting sides of me in my head and one of them knows I wasn’t responsible for what happened to Katie and Emma and the other one thinks if I get really close to another woman and she dies too it will prove that I was the one to blame all along.

[ChessPieceFace]

Even if you believed in things like curses, and somehow it happened, it wouldn't be your fault. My dad died in a car wreck because he drank and the alcohol mixed with pain meds (probably) and only went out that night in a huff because my mom wouldn't make him a milkshake. She lived the rest of her life feeling guilty like it was her fault, but she didn't will that to happen and never would have wanted it to happen. Things just happen. We can never control all the outcomes, only our intentions.

[BillJJ]

Thanks for trying to help but I think I will just end it here and do everybody a favor because as long as I live the people I love and get close to are only going to get hurt and I really think I am seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time. I can’t live in a world without Katie and the more I try the more depressed I become.

 

I will miss my cousin and my niece but I’m not just going to leave them with nothing and go like her ex and every cent I have earned I am going to leave to them because my cousin is struggling with money and needs it more than me. I will stay for Christmas and my 27th birthday so my cousin and my niece both have a good time but after that I am out of here.

 

I just don’t see the point in living anymore and as much as I have tried to be strong and fight it I think things are only going to get worse in the future and nothing I can do will ever change that. Going to a therapist will probably just bring back more things from my past and I have done things over the last decade I honestly don’t know if Katie will forgive me for and by ending it I will be letting Katie down along with Emma but I am hopeful they will understand one day that what I plan to do is the best solution for everybody and not just myself. I still think about them every day and I wish that I could have saved them but I couldn’t do anything and I live with that guilt and it never goes away.

 

It plays around in my head and maybe my old friends were right about me being the one to blame all these years and if I had never met Emma she might still be alive now too so why be selfish and wreck more people’s lives? I think I did better than most people would have been able to do in my position and I am proud of all the things I managed to achieve. I quit drinking and cocaine by myself and I was able to get my life back on track for a few years and I have a great job and money but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if there is anything worth fighting for and when I look around me I don’t see anything anymore.

 

I don’t see any good in this world and it appears the more successful I have become the more people will hate me and I don’t blame them because I am a murderer. I was in the hospital with Katie and I watched her die and there wasn’t anything I could do to save her so I failed her.

 

I know my cousin and my niece will be alright without me and the rest of my family and my friends will be too and I just want them to be happy.

 

 

 

Thanks.

[Eivuwan]

Thanks for trying to help but I think I will just end it here and do everybody a favor because as long as I live the people I love and get close to are only going to get hurt and I really think I am seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time. I can’t live in a world without Katie and the more I try the more depressed I become.

 

I will miss my cousin and my niece but I’m not just going to leave them with nothing and go like her ex and every cent I have earned I am going to leave to them because my cousin is struggling with money and needs it more than me. I will stay for Christmas and my 27th birthday so my cousin and my niece both have a good time but after that I am out of here.

 

I just don’t see the point in living anymore and as much as I have tried to be strong and fight it I think things are only going to get worse in the future and nothing I can do will ever change that. Going to a therapist will probably just bring back more things from my past and I have done things over the last decade I honestly don’t know if Katie will forgive me for and by ending it I will be letting Katie down along with Emma but I am hopeful they will understand one day that what I plan to do is the best solution for everybody and not just myself. I still think about them every day and I wish that I could have saved them but I couldn’t do anything and I live with that guilt and it never goes away.

 

It plays around in my head and maybe my old friends were right about me being the one to blame all these years and if I had never met Emma she might still be alive now too so why be selfish and wreck more people’s lives? I think I did better than most people would have been able to do in my position and I am proud of all the things I managed to achieve. I quit drinking and cocaine by myself and I was able to get my life back on track for a few years and I have a great job and money but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if there is anything worth fighting for and when I look around me I don’t see anything anymore.

 

I don’t see any good in this world and it appears the more successful I have become the more people will hate me and I don’t blame them because I am a murderer. I was in the hospital with Katie and I watched her die and there wasn’t anything I could do to save her so I failed her.

 

I know my cousin and my niece will be alright without me and the rest of my family and my friends will be too and I just want them to be happy.

 

 

 

Thanks.

 

This makes it sound like you are considering killing yourself? Are you? Please call a suicide hotline. It is more likely that you just had very bad luck with two of the women that you love dying in car accidents than that you are cursed. There are 6 billion people on this planet. Very bad luck can happen to some of them. But you will choose to believe what you want to believe.

[d0nnivain]

BillJJ -

 

 

Please please please do not end your own life.

 

 

You are not a loser! You are someone who loved deeply at a very young age & had all of that torn away from you tragically.

 

 

If you take your own life your cousin, your niece, your friends & family will all feel the same pain you endure after the death of your GF. They may also blame themselves & think it's somehow their fault.

 

 

Please call a suicide prevention hotline or talk to somebody you love & trust. It will get better, but you have to be here for that to happen.

 

 

Hang in there.

[SoonMyFriend]

BillJJ

 

Please don't commit suicide. I understand your pain, and that feeling like you are cursed.

 

My sister was killed by a drunk driver when she was 7. I have always felt like no one wanted me because I would never have been alive had she not died (she died before I was born).

 

But life can get better, and fulfilling.

 

You need to speak with someone. I know there are feelings you don't want to confront but you should. It will help you heal.

 

You have loved and lost, but you will love again and you are NOT cursed.

[Vogeltron]

I have learned on thing in life. It took me quite a while to learn it. Just be happy forget everything else.

 

Honestly, if life is that bad then why not just wake up and say f it. I am going to be who I am? If you see a pretty girl go tell her she is pretty. I had several years of my what seem to be similar to what you are describing. I didn't have the love of my life die but essentially I got to the point I gave up on myself and said who cares anymore. I mean if you want to kill yourself then why should you care. Go say whatever you want to whomever you want. Do what you want to do.

 

If nothing else. If you are that sad sack and want to kill yourself. Go out and decide to make a difference to other people. Strangers, etc. I once talked about want to go down that road with a friend he slapped me and told me I was selfish. Went on a rant about people with ALS and other unbearable circumstances who choose to fight for another day.

 

We all have our demons, scars and wounds. If you want to live life again you are going to have to wake up out of your mental coma and learn to see things in a different perspective.

[BillJJ]

Thanks for the replies and don’t worry. I am not going to kill myself.

 

When I wrote the above post the other night I was having a really, really bad day because I found out my Mum has cancer and I am tired of bad things happening to people around me and I overreacted but I am alright now. I have been going through some difficult times at my work at the moment too because of some comments I made so that on top of it didn’t help. I have had a big talk to my cousin about everything I wrote on here and she told me she needs me and my niece and her don’t want to lose me and she is worried about me so they are going to move in with me this week. I spent the whole day with her yesterday and I know it might sound messed up but I am in love with her and I now know she is in love with me and even though we aren’t blood related since she is my Mum’s cousin’s husband’s daughter from his first marriage most people see us as cousins and I don’t know how our family is going to react.

 

My Mum has been through a lot and that is why I got really upset when I found out and not many people know this except those that are close to me but she has had to have a number of operations over the years mainly because of one of her old Doctors messed up during surgery and she is lucky to be alive today. She has a rare disease and she is often in pain and she hasn’t been able to find a Doctor that can fix that and there is apparently medication for it that wouldn’t fix it but can ease the pain but they are only available in America and if I could go over there myself and get them for her and bring them back to Australia I would but it is against the law which is downright stupid.

 

I guess you could say my cousin (Amy) is my best friend and she was there for me when I lost Emma and she was the main thing that stopped from me from having a nervous breakdown. When I am not working I spend a lot of time with her and her daughter. Her daughter has Autism and she is extremely intelligent for her age and I am currently teaching her how to play guitar and I took her to the zoo a few weeks ago. I love spending time with her and according to Amy I’m her favourite person in the world and when I am not around she is always asking questions about me and when I look back at all the times I have thought of taking my life to be with Katie and Emma again I realise I would be being selfish because that would break that little girl’s heart along with Amy’s.

 

I want to get better not just for myself but for the two of them and I am going to start going to a therapist to sort out my problems.

[ShyGuy5]

Your girlfriend is gone. That is a terrible thing, but she wouldn't want you to be grief stricken to the point that you are unable to live. You have to live for those that don't have the chance. Maybe your calling is to educate drivers and help some avoid an accident. I don't know. You can't change the past, but that doesn't mean give up on the future.

[BillJJ]

Hi Shyguy5

 

You obviously missed my last post. I do plan on doing something about alcohol. When it comes down to it Katie and Emma are both gone now because of idiotic people driving under the influence and that still happens in this world every day and hundreds of innocent people die and nobody does anything about it specifically our government in Australia that gives the message that it is okay.

 

According to the figures we have more violence going on in Australia than there has ever been in any year in the past one hundred years and more than 75% of that alone is influenced by alcohol and the politicians talk about it but they don’t take it seriously and talking to them about it is like talking to a brick wall which is why if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Part of the reason the government do nothing is because like cigarette companies, alcohol companies bribe politicians and I plan to expose that and become a politician myself so I can make REAL changes and bring light to all of the forgotten victims like Katie and Emma so others don’t have to face the same fate they did.

 

I become addicted to alcohol after I lost Katie and as much as I despise it I don’t plan on banning it in Australia but what I plan on doing is making sure it gets similar treatment to cigarettes and there is a picture of a victim on every bottle and can as a constant reminder of the damage it can do. There are groups of doctors and scientists that have been pushing to do the same thing for some but there has been nobody in a position of authority that has had the guts to push it through but I know I can do it because I am not afraid of a challenge. I have already taken on people who work for Sony Music and UMG and Amy is into politics too and she has been very encouraging and supportive of what I want to do.

[BrianGates]

Remember this: Just because bad things happen to the people around you does not mean you have anything to do with that. There is no need to associate a pattern when there is no pattern. The person who gets cancer will get cancer regardless of whether or not you exist. You could not control the person who crashed into that car. You had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Stop blaming yourself.

 

When a very close friend of mine died a few weeks ago, I realised something. I thought that if I sat and blamed myself, that would do no good. His death was not about me. His death was about him. I was allowed to mourn, feel lost, be angry at myself for not speaking to him when I still had the chance, but to blame myself for something that had nothing to do with me would only be egotistical of myself. Over many years of terrible things happening to me, I realised that just because they all had one factor in common - me - it does not mean I was or am to blame for any of the things that happened.

 

I am going to link you to a Guardian post that one of my lecturers posted on his feelings towards being diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis), as well as his wife being diagnosed with cancer. This might put things into perspective. Choice quotes:

 

"there is no anger because I do not have any sense of having been selected for this. Life is a series of contingent events thrown at us and out of which we have to make a convincing narrative for ourselves as individuals and collectively."

 

 

On being an atheist diagnosed with MS | Peter Thompson | Comment is free | theguardian.com

 

It is okay for you to mourn, but do not feel that you are betraying your love for Katie by eventually moving on or having sex. You are allowed to love someone who was stolen from you early whilst being able to love someone alive. You are not replacing her. Your love for the two can exist side by side. This is something that usually only old folks have to learn when their spouse dies and they meet someone else in their old age.

 

You are also not a loser for not having sex in this time. You loved her, she was your best friend, and it has affected you deeply. That is okay, but you cannot blame yourself forever. Only you can allow yourself to move on.

 

I think you and your cousin should be together. If she is what you say she is she isn’t your cousin and from what you describe it sounds like she might really love you and care about you and that could turn into a wonderful relationship and marriage one day. I won't lie. Not many women are going to be very accepting of you being a virgin at your age regardless of you losing 2 women you love but you have somebody that knows you and will be.

 

Good luck

Edited December 11, 2013 by BrianGates

[BillJJ]

Thanks jan_may and BrianGates

 

I am going to a therapist tomorrow because I still miss Katie and Emma a lot and while I don’t think that is going to ever change and a part of me is always going to love both of them. I lost my Pop in March and he was very close to me too and he was the only person I knew that could relate the way I felt losing my old girlfriend and when I was feeling down I would talk to him. My Grandmother passed away when I was very young and he never remarried or dated another woman but spending time with me and my cousins made him happy and as much as I loved him I don’t want to get old and die alone like he did.

 

I love Amy and she loves me too and she said she has for a long time and she was a little reluctant to discuss it with me at first but she said if she is going to have a relationship with me I need to sort out my life before we do and she is right. Going to therapy I hope will help me because there is still a part of me that blames myself for what happened and I can’t shake that guilt and as much as I wish there was I don't think there isn’t a cure that makes it go away. I still love Katie and I always will but it doesn’t mean I can’t love another person and if there is anybody that understands that it is Amy because she was there and she knew Katie and how much we loved each other.

 

I was at the hospital with Katie the day she passed away (as I mentioned before) and I felt absolutely useless because there was nothing I could do to help her and I never really got to say goodbye to her and it was just the same thing all over again with Emma and I don’t know. Maybe talking to Katie and Emma before they passed away knowing it would be the last time I would ever see them would have made things harder for me but at least I could have had a chance to tell Emma how much I loved her and appreciated everything she did for me. Having my so-called friends blame me after Katie passed away made it hard for me to trust people again and

 

I won't lie. Not many women are going to be very accepting of you being a virgin at your age regardless of you losing 2 women you love but you have somebody that knows you and will be.

 

Good luck

 

I can understand that but I know there are women in this world that will like Amy and as for the ones that don’t and want to judge me on my past and lack of sexual history – why would I want to be with a person like that? I would be lowering myself as they would probably be immature, never been in a relationship with a person they loved, never lost someone they loved (let alone two) and I would like to see what condition they would be in if they went through half of what I have because I don’t think they would be able to handle it. I have managed to succeed no matter what challenges were in front of me and I am still here today so if they are going to judge me they can go and **** themselves.

[BillJJ]

Oohhh just one more note in case you make another stupid comment.

 

What gives you the Goddamn right to choose how people want to live their lives? Just because Katie chose to save herself for marriage doesn’t mean she was stupid and I chose to wait for her because I loved her which is obviously a concept you truly know nothing about judging by your mentality and I highly doubt you have a brain either. It is ****wits like you Dicko that are the problem with the world and make me wonder what the point of trying to live in this ****hole but then I remember that killing myself would achieve nothing and you wouldn’t care but if I turned the tables around what then…..

 

I am going to make it very clear to you. You see, I live with Katie and Emma’s deaths on my conscious each and every day and I do hate myself for it and I know a lot of other people hate me for it too and you are right – maybe most people on this forum think I am a loser because I couldn’t just get over it in two weeks and move but if I can live with that what makes you think I can’t live with the deaths of people like you because the way I see it I wouldn’t feel a thing. Have you ever lit a person on fire and just watched them running around like a headless chicken trying to put themselves out with no trace of water in sight? I have and maybe it was the alcohol and the drugs that made me do it even though I put them out or maybe it was the rage inside of me that made me feel like I wanted to explode.

 

I haven’t exactly been sane for a while and if you or any other dickhead wants to insult me for being a virgin and having trouble moving on go ahead but put **** on Katie I will find you and kill you and it is a guarantee you pathetic piece of ****ing ****.

[Eivuwan]

Oohhh just one more note in case you make another stupid comment.

 

What gives you the Goddamn right to choose how people want to live their lives? Just because Katie chose to save herself for marriage doesn’t mean she was stupid and I chose to wait for her because I loved her which is obviously a concept you truly know nothing about judging by your mentality and I highly doubt you have a brain either. It is ****wits like you Dicko that are the problem with the world and make me wonder what the point of trying to live in this ****hole but then I remember that killing myself would achieve nothing and you wouldn’t care but if I turned the tables around what then…..

 

I am going to make it very clear to you. You see, I live with Katie and Emma’s deaths on my conscious each and every day and I do hate myself for it and I know a lot of other people hate me for it too and you are right – maybe most people on this forum think I am a loser because I couldn’t just get over it in two weeks and move but if I can live with that what makes you think I can’t live with the deaths of people like you because the way I see it I wouldn’t feel a thing. Have you ever lit a person on fire and just watched them running around like a headless chicken trying to put themselves out with no trace of water in sight? I have and maybe it was the alcohol and the drugs that made me do it even though I put them out or maybe it was the rage inside of me that made me feel like I wanted to explode.

 

I haven’t exactly been sane for a while and if you or any other dickhead wants to insult me for being a virgin and having trouble moving on go ahead but put **** on Katie I will find you and kill you and it is a guarantee you pathetic piece of ****ing ****.

 

There are mean people everywhere and a lot of people here have been nice to you. There is no need to focus on one person and threaten to kill him.

[BillJJ]

He put **** on Katie. I am sorry but I couldn't handle it.

 

This is why I need to see a therapist because I can't take it anymore and I don't even trust myself.

Edited December 11, 2013 by BillJJ

[BillJJ]

I think after the above comment it is best that I leave. I have Amy moving in with me today and I am going to a therapist so that should help. I just need to really sort things out.

[Eivuwan]

Good luck!

[BillJJ]

Thanks I went to counselling for the first time and it was difficult and the therapist asked me a lot of questions and brought up things I hadn’t talked about with anybody for a long time which lead to me cracking up in front of them for a few minutes but I am alright now and if I am to heal and ultimately move on with my life I understand I need to keep going and can’t keep all these feelings I have locked up inside because it will only make things worse. I would prefer not to go into too many details on this forum because it is personal but the therapist basically told me I was not responsible for what happened to Katie, Emma and everybody else I have gotten close to and that I need to stop blaming myself to move on and she is right but it is still hard for me to see it that way sometimes.

 

I loved Katie with all my heart and soul and I would have given my life for her to live and I don’t think I am ever going to truly understand why she was taken from this world so early because she was one of the kindest people in the world and she loved helping people and animals. Katie was so gifted too and if you had heard her sing you would have thought she was amazing and overall she was the best friend a kid could have and a great girlfriend. I had my first kiss with her when I was only 8 years old and I asked her to marry me when we were 14 and she said yes to me and I put a burger ring on her finger because at the time I didn’t have a job and was too young to afford an engagement ring.

 

I want to be happy again like I was a few years ago and one thing that makes me happy is Amy and her daughter and when I think about it now I never had to go very far because the woman that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with has always been standing in front of me and I was just too blind to see it but I have my eyes open now. Amy and I grew up together and apart from my parents she knows me better than anybody in this world and the both of us have always been there for each other when we have been down and we have seen each other at our best and worst. Being there for one another has brought us very close together and I think maybe she is the one for me.

 

The other thing that would make me happy is Mum getting better.

 

Even though I understand the survival rates for cancer are good these days she really doesn’t need it on top of everything else and I am worried about her. I have always tried my hardest to be strong for her and take care of her regardless of everything I have been through since I was a teenager because no matter how much pain I have felt from losing Katie and Emma it doesn’t compare to what she has gone through and I usually keep my problems to myself as I don’t want to worry her. My Dad is there for her but he is what some people would call a workaholic and growing up I didn’t spend much time with him because he was always at work so I was the one that mainly looked after my Mum after her operations and even though I have my own house now I made sure I didn’t live far away from her.

 

When I snapped the other night at Dicko what I wrote was inexcusable and I am not a violent person nor would I ever kill anybody but I just don’t like anybody saying bad things about Katie.

[regine_phalange]

You are not a loser, you are a sweet heart.

 

I'm terribly sorry for what has happened to you... Sometimes the best people leave us when they are young. Katie and Emma would want you to be happy and enjoy your life, as you would if it was them the ones who survived. It was pure chance that you survived, and not your fault! I know it's hard. But it's just not your fault, we are human and have no control over these things.

 

Have courage. Spend as much time as possible with your mum, tell her and show how much you love her. Wishing her and to you the best. And you are very lucky that you have a niece who loves you so much! That means someday you are going to be a great dad.