Another setback

[LostConfused123]

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

[Thedafox]

I'm there with you, we've been broken up since late October and I think she's already in another relationship.

 

Just stick with NC and stay strong.

[LostConfused123]

I'm there with you, we've been broken up since late October and I think she's already in another relationship.

 

Just stick with NC and stay strong.

Thank you!

Yeah, I really thought that by blocking him in every way, deleting all pics (that was CRUSHING!) and we don't live near each other so bumping into him is highly unlikely, and we don't have mutual friends in common.

 

 

For some reason I thought this would be some kind of "magic" formula or something. I thought if I do everything "right" that he would just disappear from my thoughts.

 

 

God, I wish!!! I feel so broken. It's not just the sex that hammered me but the cuddling and sleeping and all that other *****. UGH!!!

I feel like my chest is cracking with every breath if that makes sense.

[Thedafox]

I have no memories of her except the leather jacket her mom bought me for our first Christmas together. She lives within 5 mins of me, I drive by her house everyday and we work less than a football field away from each other. I see her truck almost every day I go to work. I get to see her hold the hand of another man at least once a week.

 

I wish there was a formula too because I've hit bottom a second time tonight and it's the worst feeling in the world.

 

Just do your best to make yourself better, show no weakness to anybody in person, always smile and laugh. I'd rather feign true happiness and make other people happy than become that one guy who's always sad.

[LostConfused123]

I have no memories of her except the leather jacket her mom bought me for our first Christmas together. She lives within 5 mins of me, I drive by her house everyday and we work less than a football field away from each other. I see her truck almost every day I go to work. I get to see her hold the hand of another man at least once a week.

 

I wish there was a formula too because I've hit bottom a second time tonight and it's the worst feeling in the world.

 

Just do your best to make yourself better, show no weakness to anybody in person, always smile and laugh. I'd rather feign true happiness and make other people happy than become that one guy who's always sad.

OUCH!

I'm so sorry for your pain.

I know I need to focus on all my blessings and the positives in my life (there are many)

The numbness of these crazy thoughts is starting to go away. I just hope I don't cry because when I do, I can't stop.

 

 

Thanks again for your support. Means a great deal to me right now.

[organizedchaos]

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

 

 

I know. Its been 4 months for me and I'm sure she must have hooked up with someone else by now. The thought of another man doing things to her that I used to do and her reactions kills me. But in strict nc so I really have no idea if this is true or not. Its just an act and I know if she has, its not with the same bond we shared. Its just a physical act.

[LostConfused123]

Thedafox,

Just wanted to ask, if you don't mind since you seem to be about the same timeline as me.

 

 

I guess the last 3 weeks or so I have been a lot of back and forthing. What I mean is the first 3 weeks were absolute hell and I think I was in denial most of the time. The last 3 I think I'm fine (no where near back to my old self but I can kinda fake it) then something will come along and SLAM me!!!

 

 

I keep thinking the worst is over (as far as the shock and heavy duty grief) and then BAM! I feel as awful as the first day.

[LostConfused123]

I know. Its been 4 months for me and I'm sure she must have hooked up with someone else by now. The thought of another man doing things to her that I used to do and her reactions kills me. But in strict nc so I really have no idea if this is true or not. Its just an act and I know if she has, its not with the same bond we shared. Its just a physical act.

Good point.

Thank you for your reply. By the way, I'm sorry for your pain. I have "seen you around" and appreciate you sharing and offering your help.

[MoveAlong]

Yeah I can definitely relate here. The first 3 weeks were hell and denial. My brain went insane. I should have just slept for 3 weeks straight. Then I had 2 weeks of thinking about why and how it happened...whether she was hooking up with anyone by now. And now the end of week 6 NC, I am still disgusted by the thought of another guy with even his arm around her. Love hurts. But I'm not going to know because I'm not going to go on fb, and she wouldn't post that sort of thing anyways. I understand your feelings though, and I relate! Here I am entering week 7 of NC...I had some set backs. Last week, a friend flipped through my facebook while I was watching...the pictures of my ex destroyed me. Yikes...I went home...had a drink...and called up a friend.

 

What I need to do is crush my hopes of being with her again...or at least get myself preoccupied to do other things. Whatever happens first.

[reddragon588]

Yep, those thoughts suck. Push them out of your mind.

[Haydn]

Hey its alright to have these thoughts, i am 5 months along and some days they come back and almost cripple me. But it does get better! My ex has been playing a very sick game. Asking around about me, making sure it gets back to me. I will never ever take the bait. I am NC and it will stay that way. Just try to think about all the **** he put you through. And try to get out a date again. Its amazing what being wanted again does when you have been dumped. Try it? Take care.

 

 

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

[yorkie]

yes i think haydn advice is top notch, try to get out and date. it does feel great that other people do want to go on dates with you and also start meeting other people.

[smuggy95]

Well, it's not easy for guys to pick up girls. he might be trying, but it doesn't mean he's gotten any. And don't be all 'he gets whoever he wants'. Dry spells happen.

 

Better not to think about it at all...focus on your body, your mind, your life! That's what really matters here, is what you are doing, what you're enjoying for yourself.

[DatingInYour40s]

Oh that is such a horrible thought! Especially knowing how good it is with your ex and missing it.

 

Have you thought about getting back into dating? Sometimes I think replacing your ex is a good way to overcome the pain. I know if I got on a dating site, I'd have a lot of attention and that would help but not so sure it's the most wise choice so soon but how much time is good enough?

[AlphaC]

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

 

Okay i will be honest with you, he is thinking of you. I have dumped women that have been head over heels for me and I would think of them even after I hooked up with a new girl. I completely stopped thinking about the ex after a long period of time, at least 6 months and after I have met someone really good (LTR). I have no trouble meeting women, but very few women lead to a relationship. So for most men it takes an LTR to forget about the ex.

 

Lost - If your ex has options he is probably exercising them. Don't cling to hope that you guys will reconcile, I think if he has not contacted you in 7 weeks he is probably afraid you have moved on. So even if he is sleeping with other women he thinks about you and is probably missing you. I have a ton of male friends and we discuss these issues openly. The reason why he is not contacting you is because he might think you have moved on too and he is afraid of rejection.

 

If I were you I would hit the gym, get a fashion guru or somebody to help you change your style. Go on some dating sites and meet new men, go out and forget about your ex. I would meditate if I were you, think positive thoughts about everything you have going for you, your independence, your value/worth and how you deserve someone who will not make you jealous, someone who wants you to take care of him post arm surgery, someone you can rely on, that's the type of relationship you deserve. Get a nice make over and before you know your ex will come crying for you back, hopefully you will have moved on to someone who really cares.

 

Two years ago I met a woman on vacation in the Caribbean, we actually lived very close to each other so we started dating when we got back home. This woman was very sweet but she was overweight. I dumped her after 4 months but kept her as a friend on facebook. She was emailing my friends, doing everything she could do to get back with me but I was not attracted to her. About a year later she posted some new pics on FB and she was 30 pounds lighter, fat in all the right places and I was kicking myself in the behind for letting her go, I could not believe I did such a thing. She started dating some cat about a year ago and last month they got engaged, now this man will have himself a sweet, juicy, sexy woman while i keep posting on these boards, lol. Anyway Lost, do what's best for you, you deserve a man that desires you. Yes he is probably having physical intimate relations with other women but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss you, just my two cents, good luck.

Edited December 9, 2013 by AlphaC

[Just smile]

Thank you!

Yeah, I really thought that by blocking him in every way, deleting all pics (that was CRUSHING!) and we don't live near each other so bumping into him is highly unlikely, and we don't have mutual friends in common.

 

Last night I deleted texts messages which I've always saved.

 

For some reason I thought this would be some kind of "magic" formula or something. I thought if I do everything "right" that he would just disappear from my thoughts.

 

I can't shake mine out of my head , I think all the time if he's with another woman and I can't bear to think of it either,but I know this as sure as I'm breathing he is dying inside and the thought of me with another man is killing him also. And I also know no one will EVER compare to me. FACT

 

God, I wish!!! I feel so broken. It's not just the sex that hammered me but the cuddling and sleeping and all that other *****. UGH!!!

I feel like my chest is cracking with every breath if that makes sense.

 

I feel the exact same way it's hard to breath it's so consuming and hurts so very bad, I cry all the time. The pain is indescribable and I wonder why he isn't calling, I'm positive he is thunking of me I can feel it, sense it if that makes sense and that mere thought makes me feel closer to him. I miss everything , and I know , believe me I know this is for the very best. So hard.

[Chi townD]

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

 

 

Next time you have the thought of him being intimate with someone else, then you need to tell yourself this, "Okay, he's probably been intimate with someone else and the dumbass probably has herpes now. Damaged goods in my book! Time to move on!"

 

It kind of worked for me, you take an intimate act that you used to cherish with him and make it gross in your mind. That his pecker is probably radioactive now.

[LostConfused123]

Okay i will be honest with you, he is thinking of you. I have dumped women that have been head over heels for me and I would think of them even after I hooked up with a new girl. I completely stopped thinking about the ex after a long period of time, at least 6 months and after I have met someone really good (LTR). I have no trouble meeting women, but very few women lead to a relationship. So for most men it takes an LTR to forget about the ex.

 

Lost - If your ex has options he is probably exercising them. Don't cling to hope that you guys will reconcile, I think if he has not contacted you in 7 weeks he is probably afraid you have moved on. So even if he is sleeping with other women he thinks about you and is probably missing you. I have a ton of male friends and we discuss these issues openly. The reason why he is not contacting you is because he might think you have moved on too and he is afraid of rejection.

 

If I were you I would hit the gym, get a fashion guru or somebody to help you change your style. Go on some dating sites and meet new men, go out and forget about your ex. I would meditate if I were you, think positive thoughts about everything you have going for you, your independence, your value/worth and how you deserve someone who will not make you jealous, someone who wants you to take care of him post arm surgery, someone you can rely on, that's the type of relationship you deserve. Get a nice make over and before you know your ex will come crying for you back, hopefully you will have moved on to someone who really cares.

 

Two years ago I met a woman on vacation in the Caribbean, we actually lived very close to each other so we started dating when we got back home. This woman was very sweet but she was overweight. I dumped her after 4 months but kept her as a friend on facebook. She was emailing my friends, doing everything she could do to get back with me but I was not attracted to her. About a year later she posted some new pics on FB and she was 30 pounds lighter, fat in all the right places and I was kicking myself in the behind for letting her go, I could not believe I did such a thing. She started dating some cat about a year ago and last month they got engaged, now this man will have himself a sweet, juicy, sexy woman while i keep posting on these boards, lol. Anyway Lost, do what's best for you, you deserve a man that desires you. Yes he is probably having physical intimate relations with other women but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss you, just my two cents, good luck.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It made me feel MUCH better

I guess I was having one of those ANXIETY FREAKOUT moments. Thanks again!

[LostConfused123]

Next time you have the thought of him being intimate with someone else, then you need to tell yourself this, "Okay, he's probably been intimate with someone else and the dumbass probably has herpes now. Damaged goods in my book! Time to move on!"

 

It kind of worked for me, you take an intimate act that you used to cherish with him and make it gross in your mind. That his pecker is probably radioactive now.

HA HA HA!

Or shrunken

[Chi townD]

HA HA HA!

Or shrunken

 

 

See! There you go! Not so bad now is it!

[LostConfused123]

Thank you everyone that replied.

 

 

As far as dating...... I don't know.......I kinda feel like that would make me feel worse......like I would be comparing him the whole time.

 

 

Good advice though and I know it works for some. I guess if I met someone I really liked.

I was thinking of joining Match.com or something but not sure if I'm ready.

 

 

I had a fleeting thought of hooking up, just hooking up with a sexy stranger and maybe that would make me feel more "disconnected" to him since he was the last man I was with. That's NOT at all something I would normally do but I feel like I'm desperate to end this pain!!! F*** it HURTS!!!

 

 

I'll try anything at this point.

[Chi townD]

Thank you everyone that replied.

 

 

As far as dating...... I don't know.......I kinda feel like that would make me feel worse......like I would be comparing him the whole time.

 

 

Good advice though and I know it works for some. I guess if I met someone I really liked.

I was thinking of joining Match.com or something but not sure if I'm ready.

 

 

I had a fleeting thought of hooking up, just hooking up with a sexy stranger and maybe that would make me feel more "disconnected" to him since he was the last man I was with. That's NOT at all something I would normally do but I feel like I'm desperate to end this pain!!! F*** it HURTS!!!

 

 

I'll try anything at this point.

 

 

No, no....don't do this. It's dangerous and stupid. It's okay to be single at the moment. I think that you're missing the closeness of another person. And it may feel good, but it's only temporary. You'll go back to feeling bad really quickly. And, on top of that, you'll start feeling really bad for lowering your moral standards because you allowed yourself to be used cheaply. I think you're better than that.

 

You need to make positive changes in your life. Get a new hairstyle, something people will notice and like. Get a new wardrobe. You want people to say, "DAMN GIRL!!! You're looking hot!!" This will help with your self esteem.

 

Then, find the gym. Run you ass off on the treadmill and push weight. Sign up for a spin class or Zumba. Burn off all these frustrations and stress that you're having and if you eat right and get plenty of sleep. You'll be working towards that firm and sexy bod that guys are going to definitely notice.

 

Then, pick up a hobby and join a club. A running Club or cycling Club. Co-ed sports or community theater. Or cooking classes or a photography class. KEEP BUSY!!!!

 

Then travel! Get out of the norm! Grab a girlfriend and go somewhere for an extended weekend away. Go to a quite little town somewhere and go shopping. Look in Antique Stores and eat at quite little Bistro's. De-stress and decompress. Take that weekend to recharge.

 

Make these positive changes, trust me, they help out a lot!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

UGH. I am so familiar with that feeling of wondering/worrying what they are doing with another person. It's hard to keep yourself from going to that place, which is what makes NC imperative. *out of sight, out of mind*

 

Keep doing what you are doing. And jut remember, you too will also meet another person and be intimate with them. It's the inevitable.

 

Once we start accepting things, even though painful, we will learn how to let go of that pain. Find something to be proud of (your success with NC). Find something to take your mind off of worries (Xmas presents and hot chocolate). When you think of your ex being with someone else, replace it with a thought about you meeting a new guy that just envy's you and treats you like a princess. You will have that feeling of love again, but only when you let go of the other person.

 

Focus on the present and what is ahead of you. Focusing too much on what is out of your control is not helping you walk ahead.

[mtnbiker3000]

OP - Again, this is quite normal and I remember dealing with this for the first time as well. Literally made me sick to my stomach But, the good news is that this is a milestone in your recovery and once you beat this, you are just another step closer to indifference.

[KelC411]

So I know my ex and I will eventually be with other people intimately, even though the thought of him touching and making love to another woman is more than my brain can handle right now. (Usually won't even let my mind go there)

 

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking those thoughts. I was thinking about how I'm almost 7 weeks strict NC. And then out of the blue I had a horrifying thought. It's been almost 7 weeks and he has more than likely been intimate with a woman by now. I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but this REALLY bothered me. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. I mean I must have but it just HIT ME HARD!

 

 

I guess I'm just ranting but I feel worse than day 1 NC. I guess I must have still had a flicker of hope back then. That and I was really numb and "foggy"

 

 

I know I'm not supposed to care what he is doing and I try so hard not to think of all the....does he think of me...does he miss me....blah blah blah.

 

 

I thought for sure when this nightmare began that I would feel so much better than I do now. I feel sick!!

 

I feel ya, Lost. I KNOW my ex is with another girl right now. Even though it has only been 2 weeks, he is already staying the night at her house (found out about that unintentionally and unfortunately) and going to work with her (they are coworkers) and posting facebook statuses about how special she is (again, actually wasnt facebook stalking him but found out) and tagging her in posts with his mom about how she will be at his graduation.. It has really set me back. I knew he would jump right back into dating because that's how he is, but I was an idiot and didnt believe it when people told me that he was probably seeing this other girl. It makes me sick. Its like my brain just wants to play slideshows of all our intimacy and cuddling and try to fit her into the image. It may not be the most healthy, but for right now I am pretending he is dead. The man I knew is dead, and this is her version of him. So, its like a different person. It only kind of helps but at least it stops the torture of the images of them together doing things we did not even a month ago. Ugh. Barf. But we will move on too! I know we will! You seem so nice and you are always willing to post advice and kind words for others. I can't imagine you wont find a guy who will love you and treat you well one day (although I know its too soon to consider when in this much pain).