littleraindrops Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) I love being alone and I cherish the times I spend in my room, doing whatever I like to do, but that's only when I am not dating anyone. Surprisingly, I turn into this clingy, helpless girlfriend who just waits for boyfriend's text messages. I am a very busy person, and I like busy people, but I realized that not able to spend so much time together makes me angry. And that anger usually comes out in a wrong way. For example, my bf just came back from a four-day conference yesterday afternoon, and he texted me as soon as he was back in town. He offered that he would come get me because he wanted to see me. I don't know what possessed me to decline his offer, but I did, and when he was so understanding that I couldn't see him yesterday, I got upset. And I blew up after seeing that he didn't respond to my last text. Okay, he offered, I declined, he offered an alternative, I declined again, and I got upset because he wasn't pushing anything else. What is wrong with me? So, our relationship has been rocky, and I had suspected that the rockiness came from me having issues with my bf and his ex maintaining their friendship. Although I am not completely okay with it still, I decided that I didn't want to just part from him because I was afraid of being hurt from a breakup. I think, in the back of my mind, I always have this feeling that he doesn't like me as much as I do, and I want to see him being so helpless and so sad when I'm not around. This is messed up, I know, but I think I wanted some reassurance that I was being loved and cared. I think I have problems with wanting attention from boyfriends. This issue is affecting my life a big time. It's always affected me, in a negative way. For instance, I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about him too much or I just sit and wait for his text, while daydreaming about some random things. When we have an argument, my brain just stops working and all I see is just a blank. I have suffered from depression and I tend to blame this for all my issues. I don't think it's just the depression. I am beginning to believe that maybe this is my personality with men. And I am scared. I am scared that I am going to drive people away and lose them completely. How do I stop this? Could someone please help me? Edited December 9, 2013 by littleraindrops
Grumpybutfun Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Littleraindrops: It is insightful that you realize this behavior isn't good for you and stems from something else. May I ask what kind of relationship you had with your father? Was he around a lot? Did you get attention from him? Sometimes our distrust of the opposite sex can be due to residual feelings from our opposite sex parent. Inquiringly, Grumps
Author littleraindrops Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Littleraindrops: It is insightful that you realize this behavior isn't good for you and stems from something else. May I ask what kind of relationship you had with your father? Was he around a lot? Did you get attention from him? Sometimes our distrust of the opposite sex can be due to residual feelings from our opposite sex parent. Inquiringly, Grumps My relationship with my father has been fine. He wasn't the best father, as he used to be physically and verbally abusive, but he's never cheated or hurt my mother in that way. I think my behavior started after my breakup with my first bf (we dated when we were very young for a long time). When I started dating in adult age, I started wanting attention more and more, and I started considering that attention as a part of the relationship. Basically, I was looking to be treated like a princess, but when I wasn't treated that way, it made me wonder if that person was being true with his feelings. I just want to stop being unreasonable. I am being stupid and ridiculous, but I can't seem to stop. Even when my bf and I arguing, in my head, I keep telling myself, "Stop, that's enough. You need to stop", but it doesn't work. Should I go see a therapist? Should I not date anyone with this bizarre behaviors?
Grumpybutfun Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 litleraindrops: Since you had a traumatic break-up with your first bf, you may be trying to push men away before you get too invested emotionally. If you feel you can control the level of "interest" and make sure that it fits in with what your idea of "love" is, then you feel safe and secure. The problem with this, as you have already seen is that sometimes no matter what the man does, he cannot live up to that idea in your head because you are so sure that he is going to fail you sometime in the future. There are two things I would check out. One is to get a medical physical and talk to your doctor about your feelings of depression. Depression can account for behavioral discrepancies based on what you do as opposed to what you know you should do. The second is to sit down and evaluate your past relationships and write down all that is similar in each one. Do you pick a certain type of man? Does the man usually leave you feel dejected and depressed? If so, why do you think you are sure they are going to leave you or end up failing you in some way? Now, based on this, what actions did your first bf do that reinforced the idea that men are not to be trusted and will abandon/leave you or hurt you emotionally? Maybe having something to pinpoint might help you to see where you are developing a skewed viewpoint of relationships. Good Luck, Grumps
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