winny Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Hi Friends, Anyone who would have read my old posts... I cleared my exam! So that's one good thing Now coming to dating issues... after the last debacle of the guy blowing me over... I am feeling pretty weird. As I said earlier, I take a lot of time to move between one guy to another. I may get over one bad experience but it ruins me for months when I just like to stay within my shell and even if anyone approaches me I turn them down. Last time I was in this mode for more than a year. And I fear I will again be doing same this time. Even though it might be a small thing for others but not to me. It just makes my trust level go a little bit down. It just makes me believe in people little less every time. It may not show on surface but I really hurt and the wounds take long to heal....... How do other women keep on moving between guys faster and keep trusting after being let down? Can someone let me know? I understand when we get involved with players... but when a real and seemingly genuine and honest guy... who doesn't seem like a player lets you down then how do you know what kind of guy to trust? This may not sound like a direct question... was just feeling bit lonely and thought talking to you people would help me get thru...
ShyGuy5 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Don't take it personal. Use these experiences to find out what you want and what you don't want. If you let bad experiences get the best of you, then you might miss something great while you were in this mode. 2
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 You have to take potential relationships & guys you meet with a grain of salt. Especially if you're the type that takes a long time to recover. My best advice for people in your situation is to date a lot. Say yes to most things, including things like going out with friends. It will help you develop more of a carefree attitude that will help you the next time a guy comes along who could really be something to you. The exposure to dating more guys is that you will feel more confident; take less of an all-or-nothing attitude AND be more comfortable as you have more experience with them how their brains & thought processes seem to go. You will also place less importance on the beginning stages which overall i think is what scares a lot of guys off, ie you've convinced yourself he's the one or something close to it and he doesn't even know if he is going to ask for a second date. Move SLOWER in your head and stay in the complete present to deal with this sort of an issue. That way you take a guy at face-value for what he is offering and ready for AND for who he IS rather than what you fantasize him to be. Good luck; you can do it! 1
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 You have to take potential relationships & guys you meet with a grain of salt. Especially if you're the type that takes a long time to recover. My best advice for people in your situation is to date a lot. Say yes to most things, including things like going out with friends. It will help you develop more of a carefree attitude that will help you the next time a guy comes along who could really be something to you. The exposure to dating more guys is that you will feel more confident; take less of an all-or-nothing attitude AND be more comfortable as you have more experience with them how their brains & thought processes seem to go. You will also place less importance on the beginning stages which overall i think is what scares a lot of guys off, ie you've convinced yourself he's the one or something close to it and he doesn't even know if he is going to ask for a second date. Move SLOWER in your head and stay in the complete present to deal with this sort of an issue. That way you take a guy at face-value for what he is offering and ready for AND for who he IS rather than what you fantasize him to be. Good luck; you can do it! I don't know how to multi date I cannot flirt/kiss/hold hands with more than one person at a time... it just feels so wrong to me... I don't know why I am like this.....
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well, I would work on getting past that and I say that with the greatest kindness & encouragement. Multi-dating is a reality. Even it you don't do it, it's safe to assume the guy is until there is a exclusivity commitment. I don't think that it's easy for most girls to do this but you can definitely have a "favorite" while you date several. And you don't have to do more than hold hands, kiss be affectionate. This is probably part of reason you get attached. You are allowing yourself to give your ALL to them and they are not necessarily reciprocating. It doesn't mean they won't get there eventually but i think it's safe to say that the majority of guys move a little slower than girls when it comes to being exclusive&committed. It's the pressure they feel before they've come to that conclusion that drives them away. You don't have to say a word; they can feel it & it exists in your actions. Allow yourself to be chased and it does need to be for real not game-playing faux-chase stuff. I think being able to do this will really change your results. Also if you truly can't get past it and in order to fill your life up with stuff that doesn't make a guy a priority before he has proven worthy of being one, fill your life with other stuff you LOVE. Activities and friends that make a guy fight for a spot in your life.
Divasu Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Hi Friends, Anyone who would have read my old posts... I cleared my exam! So that's one good thing Now coming to dating issues... after the last debacle of the guy blowing me over... I am feeling pretty weird. As I said earlier, I take a lot of time to move between one guy to another. I may get over one bad experience but it ruins me for months when I just like to stay within my shell and even if anyone approaches me I turn them down. Last time I was in this mode for more than a year. And I fear I will again be doing same this time. Even though it might be a small thing for others but not to me. It just makes my trust level go a little bit down. It just makes me believe in people little less every time. It may not show on surface but I really hurt and the wounds take long to heal....... How do other women keep on moving between guys faster and keep trusting after being let down? Can someone let me know? I understand when we get involved with players... but when a real and seemingly genuine and honest guy... who doesn't seem like a player lets you down then how do you know what kind of guy to trust? This may not sound like a direct question... was just feeling bit lonely and thought talking to you people would help me get thru... Congrats on your exam. I kind of agree with Versacehottie. If you're the type who takes longer to recover, more exposure to dating would probably be good for you (as opposed to focusing on one).
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Well, I would work on getting past that and I say that with the greatest kindness & encouragement. Multi-dating is a reality. Even it you don't do it, it's safe to assume the guy is until there is a exclusivity commitment. I don't think that it's easy for most girls to do this but you can definitely have a "favorite" while you date several. And you don't have to do more than hold hands, kiss be affectionate. This is probably part of reason you get attached. You are allowing yourself to give your ALL to them and they are not necessarily reciprocating. It doesn't mean they won't get there eventually but i think it's safe to say that the majority of guys move a little slower than girls when it comes to being exclusive&committed. It's the pressure they feel before they've come to that conclusion that drives them away. You don't have to say a word; they can feel it & it exists in your actions. Allow yourself to be chased and it does need to be for real not game-playing faux-chase stuff. I think being able to do this will really change your results. Also if you truly can't get past it and in order to fill your life up with stuff that doesn't make a guy a priority before he has proven worthy of being one, fill your life with other stuff you LOVE. Activities and friends that make a guy fight for a spot in your life. Even if I am talking to more than one person initially, but I just stick to the one who I like most. And eventually keep talking and meeting only him. Else I feel as though I am leading on the other guys because my attraction to them is not much. I am very cautious and never get into intimacy without knowing exclusivity. Many times because of this the guys I thought were good left me... because they realized even though I am talking only to them I won't sleep with them that easily. This has happened more than once now. About the last guy I don't even know what happened... And when such things happen I just think... to hell with dating and guys and put my everything into my work and stuff and friends and take a long time to get attracted to any new guy... This has been my pattern always........... However, thank you.. this is great advice.. I will try to see that I do this in future. And not feel guilty or wrong about it.
StanMusial Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I don't know how to multi date I cannot flirt/kiss/hold hands with more than one person at a time... it just feels so wrong to me... I don't know why I am like this..... You like who you like and there's nothing wrong with that. Multi-dating is not going to change that or fix your problems. In life, sometimes people are not what they seem, they may disappoint us or things may not work out how we envisioned them to. Either way the sun will rise tomorrow. Imagine other parts of your life where you had a disappointment. How did you handle that? 1
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well what you are doing sounds normal to me. It's fine to pull back and just go into your life for a while after you've been hurt. Just keep in mind that if you want a relationship, it's somewhat of a numbers game and you have to put yourself out there. And you don't want to take too much time off because it limits your exposure to new guys who could be just what you are looking for. I am just taking from what you said that to you, either in your own view of things or as comparison to others you know, that perhaps you feel like you take too much time out and are too sensitive to things not working out. And in that case, I think multi-dating would really benefit you. In alone that you will see that it is a numbers game in part and there is often another guy right around the corner. Get right back on the horse as they say. In fact, it often helps that the guy around the corner is NOT the guy for you. It's a confidence boost and you are able to practice being more detached because it's right thing to do with the guy that follows who you are not overly interested in. You can use the more detached dating practice the next time a guy comes along that IS what you think will be someone really special. Often when things don't work out a person blames themselves or wonder what is wrong with them and that alone makes them take more of a timeout than is necessary. If you keep dating & get right back on the horse, you will see that you are not the problem and your dating skills improve which will help once the right one comes along. There are a lot of variables, including timing & etc. Also think like a lot of guys do, once you find the right one and settle down, you won't have the opportunity to experience others. So do it now & get it out of your system.
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 You like who you like and there's nothing wrong with that. Multi-dating is not going to change that or fix your problems. In life, sometimes people are not what they seem, they may disappoint us or things may not work out how we envisioned them to. Either way the sun will rise tomorrow. Imagine other parts of your life where you had a disappointment. How did you handle that? If I have disappointments in work... I just talk it out with my friends and make a plan and go about it in a logical way with steps to avoid disappointments in future. I work harder and live no place for any errors. I put in 200% till my manager has to appreciate me and recognize me I also look out for other opportunities mean while... and keep my options open in case my seniors are unable to give me what I want then I can move on to the new job. If friends disappoint me, I simply cut them out from my life completely. But I do feel hurt about it for some time. If they are really good friends then I tell them how they hurt me and give them a chance to make it up to me. Which they do most of the time so things become normal again. If my parents disappoint me, mostly I keep it within myself till a certain point. And finally I tell them about it and they also make it up to me. But there are certain hurts from my parents which I carry in my heart even now. They never go away I don't know why. Some of the things they said or did, because of which I could not really do the things that I loved and had to give up on them... Sometime I wonder how life would have been if I had done that... and I feel hurt that because of my parents I couldn't do it. Not sure if all these are relevant to the question you asked
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Well what you are doing sounds normal to me. It's fine to pull back and just go into your life for a while after you've been hurt. Just keep in mind that if you want a relationship, it's somewhat of a numbers game and you have to put yourself out there. And you don't want to take too much time off because it limits your exposure to new guys who could be just what you are looking for. I am just taking from what you said that to you, either in your own view of things or as comparison to others you know, that perhaps you feel like you take too much time out and are too sensitive to things not working out. And in that case, I think multi-dating would really benefit you. In alone that you will see that it is a numbers game in part and there is often another guy right around the corner. Get right back on the horse as they say. In fact, it often helps that the guy around the corner is NOT the guy for you. It's a confidence boost and you are able to practice being more detached because it's right thing to do with the guy that follows who you are not overly interested in. You can use the more detached dating practice the next time a guy comes along that IS what you think will be someone really special. Often when things don't work out a person blames themselves or wonder what is wrong with them and that alone makes them take more of a timeout than is necessary. If you keep dating & get right back on the horse, you will see that you are not the problem and your dating skills improve which will help once the right one comes along. There are a lot of variables, including timing & etc. Also think like a lot of guys do, once you find the right one and settle down, you won't have the opportunity to experience others. So do it now & get it out of your system. LOL... Wow some of these things you said are such a morale booster to me.... Thanks This is going to take a lot of effort and break something I have been doing always... Also I hope I get so many guys at a time who are interested in dating me who I also find reasonably good ;-) As of now I am going to first get that online dating profile up 1
StanMusial Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If I have disappointments in work... I just talk it out with my friends and make a plan and go about it in a logical way with steps to avoid disappointments in future. I work harder and live no place for any errors. I put in 200% till my manager has to appreciate me and recognize me I also look out for other opportunities mean while... and keep my options open in case my seniors are unable to give me what I want then I can move on to the new job. If friends disappoint me, I simply cut them out from my life completely. But I do feel hurt about it for some time. If they are really good friends then I tell them how they hurt me and give them a chance to make it up to me. Which they do most of the time so things become normal again. If my parents disappoint me, mostly I keep it within myself till a certain point. And finally I tell them about it and they also make it up to me. But there are certain hurts from my parents which I carry in my heart even now. They never go away I don't know why. Some of the things they said or did, because of which I could not really do the things that I loved and had to give up on them... Sometime I wonder how life would have been if I had done that... and I feel hurt that because of my parents I couldn't do it. Not sure if all these are relevant to the question you asked That's part of your personality, to take some time to recover. That's OK. Like the other poster said, don't be afraid to get back on the horse. Like the way you handle your work life, take it as a learning experience. So long as you're breathing there's something around the corner, and it could be something great.
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 That's part of your personality, to take some time to recover. That's OK. Like the other poster said, don't be afraid to get back on the horse. Like the way you handle your work life, take it as a learning experience. So long as you're breathing there's something around the corner, and it could be something great. Thank you for these words... It means a lot... Am definitely going to try and break this pattern and just start talking to some guys online... as a first step... although am not getting that feeling inside of my heart right now... that happy feeling... that excitement of talking to a cute guy.... but I will do it for you guys... and also for me... Next I have planned trip with friends for next weekend and a long vacation for Christmas and New Year after that with some other friends... am hoping it will make my heart lighter And I want to try things in new way this New Year.
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 bad idea .... LOL... I see what you you are saying... They are also not completely wrong... I need to find a middle ground...
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Glad you are finding some of the things I've said helpful! While I don't agree with those that said multi-dating isn't going to help, however, seeing what they've said from their point of view--I think there are elements we are all saying that are the same: get back in there basically, maybe less considered multi-dating (though the multi-dating I am recommending is a light version and not full-blown relationships) and more considered consecutive dating; also to fall "in love" with parts of your life so a guy doesn't become a priority without having earned the right to be one. Also keep in mind that you don't have to please ANYONE but yourself, within reason, ie employers have a right to expect certain things as do human beings. Is it's safe to say that you are generally so nice & do the right thing that perhaps others take advantage of you? That's why I give the advice I do, even small steps toward the opposite end of the spectrum of what you are will probably have a good effect. Obviously, people should do what's true to their nature and remain true to who they are. But in wanting to challenge yourself in order to change things up a little, a move in the opposite direction will help. I say this because I stand by my advice. Listen, no one ever met mr right sitting on the couch taking a timeout. I also think inherently by taking a timeout there can be a tendency to convince oneself that something's wrong with yourself rather than by being busy & experiencing stuff. Girls especially (i'm guilty too) have seen too many movies where a guy magically appears in a meet-cute. Timeouts & belief systems reinforced by this fantasy stuff is not really helpful in real world. I will be sending good thoughts your way. Let us know how it goes!
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Is it's safe to say that you are generally so nice & do the right thing that perhaps others take advantage of you? Thats bang on target
Author winny Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Glad you are finding some of the things I've said helpful! While I don't agree with those that said multi-dating isn't going to help, however, seeing what they've said from their point of view--I think there are elements we are all saying that are the same: get back in there basically, maybe less considered multi-dating (though the multi-dating I am recommending is a light version and not full-blown relationships) and more considered consecutive dating; also to fall "in love" with parts of your life so a guy doesn't become a priority without having earned the right to be one. Also keep in mind that you don't have to please ANYONE but yourself, within reason, ie employers have a right to expect certain things as do human beings. Is it's safe to say that you are generally so nice & do the right thing that perhaps others take advantage of you? That's why I give the advice I do, even small steps toward the opposite end of the spectrum of what you are will probably have a good effect. Obviously, people should do what's true to their nature and remain true to who they are. But in wanting to challenge yourself in order to change things up a little, a move in the opposite direction will help. I say this because I stand by my advice. Listen, no one ever met mr right sitting on the couch taking a timeout. I also think inherently by taking a timeout there can be a tendency to convince oneself that something's wrong with yourself rather than by being busy & experiencing stuff. Girls especially (i'm guilty too) have seen too many movies where a guy magically appears in a meet-cute. Timeouts & belief systems reinforced by this fantasy stuff is not really helpful in real world. I will be sending good thoughts your way. Let us know how it goes! I will definitely let everyone know.. how am I progressing..
burnedcaine Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I don't know how to multi date I cannot flirt/kiss/hold hands with more than one person at a time... it just feels so wrong to me... I don't know why I am like this..... I feel the same way. I don't date all that much either, but I've gone out with 5 girls over the past few months and none of them really overlapped with each other. I will say that all the let-downs give you clearer sight of ones that are worthwhile. The girls I went out with were all pretty and cool in their own way, but I didn't particularly click with any of them, which is why they all fizzled out. Recently, I met a girl that I have amazing chemistry with, and we both know it. I wouldn't know how unique that chemistry is if I didn't experience all that mediocre chemistry with those other girls. 1
Author winny Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Just an update - I have started talking to some guys now and 2 of them even asked me out and few of them gave me their numbers. I have not met anyone though. I am going to only talk till end of this year
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