crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 My boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up in July. He moved out in October and we have been living separately. There has been no breakup hookups. He broke it off stating he feels that we fundamentally do not get along. I had some pretty intensive issues trusting him and not controlling my emotions. I always brought past **** up, there was alot of crying, neediness and overall unsexiness on my part. It made him look at me differently. He lost his desire for me. I know its a two way street but in our separation I see the error in many of my ways. We talk daily. We have hung out platonically alot. We are both really into crossfit and healthy living. The daily communication is sometimes me reaching out and sometimes him. Its pretty even. He offers to help me out with things like pick me up from work, or go grocery shopping, our exchanges in person are argument free, calm, and enjoyable. Since we seem to be improving our relations with one another how do I get the man to desire me sexually again. I honestly feel this is what I'm missing. I have dated a bit...lots of first dates and a few that went further but I miss him. 7 years is a long time. I'm in great shape, I'm 29 in a couple weeks, former beauty queen and also a professional ballet dancer. We have so much in common and we help eachother through life so much. I don't want our old life back I want a new fresh one.... So what can I be doing to increase my chances? I know at the end of the day you can't make someone fall in love with you but if they once were...can they be again? HELP!
Author crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 that might be true...he hasn't made any attempts towards sex therefore must not be missing it. So moving away from him, how do I do that without completely losing him?
LostConfused123 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 that might be true...he hasn't made any attempts towards sex therefore must not be missing it. So moving away from him, how do I do that without completely losing him? I would say strict NC. That's the only way he will miss you. (or may not, hard to say) One is not supposed to use NC to bring someone back, it's for you to heal but it would be a sure way to see if he will indeed miss you. If not, you can start your healing. Unless you are content being just friends. I personally couldn't do that with my most recent ex. For me it's all or nothing. He chose nothing. So I chose to love myself more than him and go NC. Even though it's difficult. 1
blahblahblacksheep Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 He probably feels "safer" now outside of the relationship and that's why he's kept up the contact. Especially if there was prior neediness. I think it especially important for time apart to come into play when one of the reasons for the break-up was neediness. You need to show that you are different now, but that can only be shown over time. I am the same way. It's hard because he still wants to talk to me all the time and he still does some of the same things that bothered the needy me, like taking too long to reply to texts, but I know I can't get mad and chew him out about it now that we're not in a relationship. So avoid any of those things you may have done or said out of neediness in the past now that you two are just friends. I think that will be the first step. Get him comfortable with you again.
Author crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I see what everyone is saying. A lot of what I have read has suggested similar. It's hard...we talk about doing crossfit partner competitions together and going on trips and stuff. In a lot of ways it feels like normal but when you want someone physically and they never take it there...its devastating. I do get panicky when he doesn't respond right away to texts and I don't react. I may have lost it on him a couple times in the beginning but since I decided I wanted to prove myself different and hopefully rekindle something I've worked on controling it. I am going to be with my family up north for the entire 2 week Xmas break. He will be taking care of our cats. I guess that's a good place to start...?
MoooOinkBaaa Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) The way I see it is you haven't lost each other because you're still acting like a couple minus the sex. Once one of you finds someone else the other will be ditched, 1000% no excuses. It could be fear of reconciliation why he isn't interested sexually, as it's very intimate. He dumped you, he's acting like the dumper and keeping his ground. Take it all away from him, then he will have to find a new partner for sex and for great company and comfort too. Right now he's got the company and he's in his familiar comfort zone, he might enjoy being single, for now. You're not sexy because you're still spending time with someone who rejected you. I would definitely go NC, you will not heal and move on by being around him and you're only waiting for the inevitable - his new girlfriend and she will replace you. He won't know what he had until it's actually gone so give him it cold turkey. Since he hasn't cut you out his life I guarantee he will miss you, you'll break the routine and start your own new life. If it was meant to be he will come back moving mountains. He won't do that if you're still following him around like a lost love puppy, that's what he'll be seeing you as. Be stronger and show him, and yourself you can live without him. Because right now he hasn't really dumped you, he's just dumped the sex hasn't he? He gets most of the benefits of a relationship and all the benefits of being single. Edited December 9, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa 5
Author crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Mooo You're right... Our situation is really no different than any other. He'll never see me as strong or confident because I take what I can get from him rather than involve myself in situations that give me what I need. Regarding NC how do I pull that off without being a super bitch? or have it viewed as game playing ( which he sniffs out like a cat does a rat and HATES IT)
MoooOinkBaaa Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) You can't learn to draw happiness from within you yearning for your ex. You don't get any benefits of anything. Sure you're single but what use is that when your ex still holds your heart. Your relationship with him now is only a painful substitute of something you once had. It's okay for him because he holds the power, in his mind he can turn the past into the present. You don't get that luxury. He gets the advantage of contentment and you get the disadvantage of anxiety. There is no hope for you here, stop the way you've been living and move on. He rejected you and you still stayed with him, you are not a machine you are a human being and you're hurt. Yet you still stayed with someone who broke your heart, victims don't want to be around their oppressors, they just want the pain to end. Everyday you stay that wound will not begin to heal, he's preventing that and he knows it because it's easier for him to move on whilst you haven't. It's a weak move to be dropped by someone and not retaliate, it shows you are settling and accepting his decision. Don't do that, show him his decision is WRONG, a BAD choice because nobody rejects you! You're too good to be thrown away, pity the fool who says no to you and hope they will find someone half as good. You're not his friend, his lover, his family. You're a woman who knows how to feel. Though it was weak to stick around I have some good news for you. You still have some power because your ex stuck around too. He clearly doesn't have the guts to cut you out his life completely and since he didn't do it that means you hold that power. My ex blocked my e-mails and did NC on me so in her mind, I could still be around moping, wishing she would come back! Oh how I wish I went NC on her whilst I had the chance, it's that little bit of power that's going to give you some confidence to move on and break his little dumper's high ego. Just go NC don't give him a reason, do it cold turkey, no closure nothing. Isn't that what dumpers do? Treat it like dumping him back, have your own dumper's high it'll help you move on just like it did for him. It won't matter why you did it because if he truly loves you he will come back regardless. People who love someone, don't just say it, they practice it. So don't worry about going cold turkey on him, once he realizes he's lost you he's not going to care why, he will just want you back! So go for it, you have nothing to lose, you get to heal and find your own happiness and if he comes back that's a bonus - if you still want him. If you were needy and unstable during the relationship you can turn the tables and get that new life you want. Show him and yourself that you've become a much stronger independent happy woman. What guy would say no to that? Edited December 9, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa
Author crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 That's fantastic thank you so much!!!
Simon Phoenix Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 So what can I be doing to increase my chances? I'm sure this has been covered, but pretty much the opposite of doing what you are doing now. How can he desire you in that way if you don't allow him to miss you? You can't miss something that never goes away.
Author crossfitchicka Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I know.Ugh today he had to come by the apartment to pick up a check ( we're legally married and his mail comes here) He wanted to coordinate it so he could pick me up from crossfit and then come here to get the check. I said it was no big deal I had it and he showed up anyways when I was walking out. We have 2 cats. He will be taking care of them over the break while I'm gone. I think MOOO is right. I think he has certain emotions still invested but to what extent I dunno...guilt? sense of responsibility? who knows. I am making a big attempt to only respond to him when its business ( mail, or something he needs out of our storage, or he wants to stop by while I'm at work to see the cats...he loves those cats but he works too much so I have them...plus I pay their vet bills so...MINE KITTIES) Is that a good start until I get out of here in less than 2 weeks? Limited? I was so pumped to NOT speak to him today...day one...and then all this.
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