ian1966 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 When you (WS only please) hear about someone who is cheating, what are your feelings towards them? I guess this depends on the consequences you yourself have faced (assuming you have been caught, of course). Theoretically what would you say to them? This thought came to mind when my BS mentioned she knew of someone that may be cheating and thought that I would not expose them and that I would feel some empathy towards them. I carefully explained that she could not be further from the truth, that I would out them in a heartbeat. That I feel no empathy and only total disgust at their behavior, having witnessed first hand the pain and hurt I caused my own BS. Does your own remorse translate into strong feelings towards others you hear of embarking on their own (unknown to them at this point) trip into hell? Just curious, thanks.
tiredofitall2 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I'm with you, I'm disgusted by adultery in general. For me is a double whammy as my BS had a Revenge A and I caught her. My situation was a big mess. But I can speak only for me and not for her. I would never do what I once did and I learned from my experience and being on both sides of the fence.
compulsivedancer Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I have a friend who is probably cheating - it looks like an exit affair. She has been outed by her H, but she is not admitting that she actually cheated. I didn't talk to her for 1-2 months, because I couldn't get ahold of her. Her H thought I'd be a bad influence. She knew I'd try to talk her out of it. (Both of them know about my A). I now know how devastating an A can be. While I never supported them in the past, I certainly don't support them now. In my friend's case, it is definitely possible she hasn't had sex with him yet, but I am SURE she is in EA territory. She's been grappling with her relationship with her H for a long time. I don't understand why she didn't just leave earlier and be free to pursue this other guy if she's interested. Why drag him through it, since she's ready to be out of the relationship anyway??
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Same situation. My BS had a revenge affair as well - it is a mess even though we are hanging in there. As far as how I view cheaters? I am much more compassionate because I was a diehard, right wing, conservative, bible thumping *******. I never, ever thought I could find myself in this position, I abhorred people that did and would even go out of my way not to do business with people who were "adulterers". Fast forward and here I am - I am one of "them". I see people and things differently. I have compassion for others in a way I never, ever thought possible. However, I am an advocate to try to steer people away from and out of these situations. If you read some of my previous posts, I had a friend come to me months ago and wanted my advice. She is in am EA (I think PA even though she denies it) and I think she wanted my permission and my encouragement to leave her husband and run off with this douche bag ( and I know this guy - he is). She was very surprised when I encouraged her to quit her job (she works with him), work on her marriage and go no contact with this guy. I could totally relate, but I think she was very shocked at my advice. And you know what? She hasn't contacted me again which saddens me because I really love her but she knows I am not going to tell her anything different and she isn't ready to make a break. Her AP's wife already knows ( has retrieved phone records ) and herb husband knows but puts his head in the sand. There isn't much more I can do. I expect it to blow in another year when her son graduates high school So no - I will not and would not blow the whistle but would gently and lovingly guide the individual with the experienced and knowledge I have. I am not a proponent of wide spread exposure. But I do believe that we have an obligation to give wisdom we have received through our own personal experiences and soul growth. 4
Author ian1966 Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Just to clarify, I would not actually interfere in someone else's life and proactively "out them" - that's their business. But in my mind I would. I agree with lilmisscantbewrong.
carhill Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 When you (WS only please) hear about someone who is cheating, what are your feelings towards them? Having walked in their shoes, at least with the infidelity part, I can understand the mindset. I tend to approach it the same way our MC approached my EA. Engage, explore and clarify. I guess this depends on the consequences you yourself have faced (assuming you have been caught, of course). I wasn't caught, rather disclosed and, generally, encourage transparency if/when someone has bent my ear. In those specific instances, I recommended MC rather than triangulating with a third party, whether that be an affair partner or 'friend'. Theoretically what would you say to them? 'Instead of talking with me about this, I strongly suggest engaging your spouse in MC' and then go on to detail, if they're interested, my own MC experiences and results. As far as 'exposure', people of my age bracket are adults and can manage their own business. Their marriages and/or affairs are none of my business and, unless I had irrefutable evidence to present, I would not engage in hearsay or speculation. I would encourage transparency.
BrokenPrincess Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Before my A, I would've been the hard-line, tough love friend. No one knows about my A though so now my ears are secretly perked up when the topic comes up and I feel like a wolf in sheeps clothing. If a friend of mine was venturing into the situation, I can't help but feel compassion because I know much I cared for both my H and xMM. If your friend didn't see you through post A recovery, I don't think there's much you can say to really comprehend how devastating the aftermath can feel. Just be there to support and offer the best advice you can give for their situation. Regardless of before my A or now, though, I would not out someone confiding in me looking for help and support.
compulsivedancer Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Before my A, I would've been the hard-line, tough love friend. No one knows about my A though so now my ears are secretly perked up when the topic comes up and I feel like a wolf in sheeps clothing. If a friend of mine was venturing into the situation, I can't help but feel compassion because I know much I cared for both my H and xMM. If your friend didn't see you through post A recovery, I don't think there's much you can say to really comprehend how devastating the aftermath can feel. Just be there to support and offer the best advice you can give for their situation. Regardless of before my A or now, though, I would not out someone confiding in me looking for help and support. My friend who is cheating was the friend who supported me after DDay. I don't understand how she learned nothing through it all.
MuddyFootprints Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Honestly, the intimate behaviour of two consenting adults is none of my business. I do not think anything more or anything less of them. It is neither my place or my concern. If one of the partners asked me, I would share what knowledge I personally have and the resources I have utilized, leaving the conclusion up to them.
OhGeesh Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 None of my business I'm totally indifferent to it. I will give feedback to the WS if they are all "I'm in love, I've never felt anything like this blah blah blah" Two consenting adults that's their business.
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