Struggeling to deal with her being so close to her male best friend

[xlobx]

I'm at university so we are in a long distance relationship. She best friends with one of my best friends, john.

 

She and john go to school together so they see eachother everyday.

 

He has been in love with her for about 4 months and we both know this.

 

They spend a lot of time together, often just the two of them, and text all the time.

 

Once when they went to the pub while I was at uni he apparently put his hand on her knee, though she removed it after a bit. On the same night they both went back to his place drunk for less than an hour before she went home.

 

She says that she needs him in her life while I'm not there. If he is unhappy, she is unhappy.

 

She says that a few weeks ago she became 'confused' about her feelings for him and was looking forward to seeing him 'too much'. But she apparently figured out what she wanted in her head and says that she'll never be 'confused' about him again.

 

 

I find this all incredibly hard to deal with. Am I being over-sensitive, or would it be fair to expect her to adapt her relationship with john?

 

Many thanks

[Dallers]

Over sensitive?! No way. I would be losing my mind if that was a girl that I really liked.

 

She is miles away, with another guy, who you know loves her, and gets to see and text her all the time and she also really likes him and you are just getting all the stories and fun times that they have together?!

 

B*llocks to that. That is soul destroying.

 

University I assume is not going to be an overnight thing, I think you really need to consider making a big decision to end it and move on before you waste a lot of time to find out that the thing you have been fearing all along is actually going on behind your back.

 

Your story scared me from past experience. "shudder"

Edited December 8, 2013 by Dallers

[clusterlooney]

Alarm bells ringing here I'm afraid as well - sorry :-(

 

You have a natural expectation that there are only two in your relationship - it sounds like there are three. She seems to be using this guy as a surrogate partner to provide certain things while you are not around.

 

I should be clear here - I don't mean they are hopping into bed together, but he is providing her with the "contact" time, the "together" time that she would (should) be spending with you. With an LDR, this becomes hugely problematic when someone else is providing something you can't give.

 

As Dallers rightly says, the circumstances are not suddenly going to change overnight unless you pack up your bags and move back to be with her.

 

It would (personally) gnaw at me, thinking about some guy trying to work his magic on my girl, relentlessly, until he gets his way. Sorry if that freaks you out saying it like that, but I can totally empathise.

 

If this guy is your friend, how about a quiet word with him. Isn't it a bit odd that he doesn't respect you enough to keep his hands off?

 

The downside to this is it filtering back to your GF: when she hears you've raised this (depending on the guy's intentions, I don't doubt it would slip out), she'd call you out for controlling.

 

It's a tough balace, LDR and uni - I've been there, and it didn't work out. That was my doing, so I fully admire your commitment to making it work - good luck!

[MrMeh]

I am all for being flexible, but I would start to be suspicious too. I don't believe you are being over-sensitive.

[Mrlonelyone]

You are university age and she is with this "john" guy.

 

 

I was in a situation where I may have been the "john" guy earlier this year. I think you should be afraid. As meek and harmless as john may be able to make himself look. John could be banging her while saying just what he needs to to make her not feel like that counts as cheating on you.

 

 

The thing is, there is not much you can do if that is the case. The only thing you can do is trust your woman. Then, if she proves un-trustable, dump her.