The latest annoying thing

[longjourney]

I find myself competing with the OW. I do it internally ALL the time and now I am doing it physically too. I find myself trying to "out do" her. I know (aside from the LTA) she was a great Mom to her kids, her personality not to mention her looks grabbed a lot of peoples attention. She could command a room and well my WH is/was in awe of her in and out of the bedroom. So now I find myself pathetically trying to compete with her on social media thinking maybe she will see it and think that I am just as good if not netter then her. But in reality I Know I don't feel that way about myself so she is STILL ahead of the game. How did all you BWs stop this? I KNOW all of our self esteems took a MAJOR hacking with the A, especially with a LTA.

[experiencethedevine]

I find myself competing with the OW. I do it internally ALL the time and now I am doing it physically too. I find myself trying to "out do" her. I know (aside from the LTA) she was a great Mom to her kids, her personality not to mention her looks grabbed a lot of peoples attention. She could command a room and well my WH is/was in awe of her in and out of the bedroom. So now I find myself pathetically trying to compete with her on social media thinking maybe she will see it and think that I am just as good if not netter then her. But in reality I Know I don't feel that way about myself so she is STILL ahead of the game. How did all you BWs stop this? I KNOW all of our self esteems took a MAJOR hacking with the A, especially with a LTA.

 

Oh longjourney, I do wish I could offer greater comfort to you.

 

If you are recovering as a pair from this awful situation, then you must firstly know that as your husband chose to stay in your marriage rather than leave for this 'wonderful other woman' (who incidentally, is most certainly NOT in the same moral category as you are!), especially as I believe you indicate that the affair was a long term one, then she did not have all the wonderful qualities that make you the wife he wanted to stay beside.

 

Yes, our ego's take a bit of a bashing, but then so does hers! After all, he didn't leave to go to her did he? He could have. And when the chips were down, he KNEW where he really wanted to be did he not? He was roadrunner on the way back to your home, not hers.

 

There is so much I'd like to say to comfort you but the most important thing is, that it doesn't matter how pretty, skinny, smart, accomplished you think she was, your image of her is an unrealistic as hers was of you.

 

Spend not a moment more concerning yourself with what and who she is, and celebrate the fact that you are a woman who offers her husband the gift of recovery because your history and family together is so much more important than a pretty f**k, excuse my language.

 

You are more beautiful on the inside than she could ever hope to be, and when you let yourself believe this, you won't need to prove it on the outside to anyone!

 

The fact is, we are all different, and while she might be skinny and pretty or whatever, you might be gentle and engaging. She might have a smile that doesn't go all the way up to her eyes, where yours might light up a room. Please don't compare yourself to her, it really serves no other purpose than self torture.

 

If you have not already considered it, perhaps some therapy of your own might help you to see how lovely you are.

 

What does your husband have to say about your feelings?

[Zenstudent]

It is definitely a tough spot to get over when you take a hit on you self esteem and with after being cheated on.

I read, a lot about infidelity, forgiveness etc I worked a lot on myself, physically and mentally. I started doing things for myself on my own. And I did something that is a bit different, I started dating. It made me realize that there is plenty of other beautiful, hot and smart women out there, that would love to date me. So I had to accept, that there is nothing wrong with me.

Since then, I've learned to find peace and value in myself with no external validation art all. It took time, it wasn't easy, but I'm getting there. It feels good.

[firststeps]

Is your husband still with her?

 

My WH is still with the OW and l cannot deny that l do check on her and my WH facebook profiles every once in a while. But l know it is not healthy for moving on. l need to let that go.

 

When l first found about the affair, l wanted to know everything and anything about her. In my case she has a horrible reputation for sleeping around, numerous addictions and causing drama with friends. Despite her bad reputation, l dont know that l would feel like l needed to out do her, because even if she was the town saint, my husband and her engaged in the A and that is all l need to know about their character and their values and morals.

 

My opinion, regardless of her being able to command a room, gorgeous,or good in bed, she is not happy with herself, has self esteem issues and who knows what else. She is ugly on the inside.

 

Any woman having to go after a married man doesn't have enough self respect for themselves. You are way better off then she will ever be. There is a reason why she has to create all this attention from everyone. She lack the in personality and depth.

 

Hold your head high and be you, cause the inside is way more deeper then the superficial BS.

[Zenstudent]

To all of you who struggle with self esteem issues, lack of self worth and comparisson issues as a consequence of infidelity, please, please get these points and make them sit well with you:

 

 

1. The decission to engage in an affair is a decision that belongs to the one making that decision.
   
2. Other people's decisions/actions/betrayal do NOT reflect who YOU are.
   
3. Nobody is more perfect than anyone else, meaning you are perfect just the way you are. If you wanna change who you are, it should be because you want to, not because someone else wants you to, or because you compare yourself to other people.
   
4. Work out, do something for yourself, get that haircut, get that motorcycle license you missed out on when you were younger, start that DIY-project or business project you always wanted to - You'll see, good things WILL come - and it doesn't even matter if you stayed with your WS or not.
   

I really can't stress it enough, every time I feel misery creep in on me, I shift my focus to me, my well being, the things I wanna do and the goals I work to accomplish. It really is a powerfull tool.

 

Come on, you can do this!

[Oberfeldwebel]

You know that latest annoying thing? Quit doing that. You have convinced yourself that she is prettier and more entertaining. Firstly that is your perception of yourself and not necessarily true. Woman can be particularly hard on their own appearance. Men tend to be much more vain, even ugly guys think they look good.

 

The fact is there are people prettier than all of us, there are people more entertaining than us. However, just because the OW may be pretty, that doesn't mean you have to be unattractive. I have been completely around the world and have found that beautiful woman come in many shapes and sizes. The main thing is you have to be comfortable in your own skin and the best you can be.

 

Finally, quit worrying about her, she is not all she is cracked up to be. I know that she is not as great of a mother or person that you think. Whether your husband had left for her, that does not mean she is better or he is a prize. It goes to show that they read their vows to say "to love, honor or cherish ......... until a better deal comes along? Honest and kindness is a much more attractive quality to me.