If my WS had done this, it would've been over...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

What does "OC" mean? also what is XMOM? sorry but these acronyms are new to me.

 

XMOM = ex- married other man

 

OC = I'm guessing other man's child, but I'm not certain

[Sub]

My line is being in our house, having sex in our bed. Pretty sure there's no way I would recover from that. I asked her a few times. She said it didn't happen. Although, at the time, she didn't share the opinion that having sex in our bed was any worse than doing it at his apartment.

[painfullyobvious]

You'll laugh at me a bit here but oh well. My ex went to a Vikings/Bears Game with her OM that her father got tickets to. I am a huge football fan and when I found out about this it bothered me a lot because she knew my passion for football. It was really painful that she took him to this game knowing how much I loved football. She never wanted to go to any games with me, she complained that I watched football on Saturdays and Sundays yet found an opportune time to head off to an NFL Game without me.

 

 

I am convinced that in her sadistic mind she was enjoying the thought of being with the OM at an event that she knew I would enjoy tremendously. When it came down to it, the sex was a betrayal, the lies were pretty bad but things that were deeply personal to me is what made me really hate her back then.

[Fluttershy]

I believe you have the core cheating. And that hurts a lot. And then each act adds more pain upon it. And we never know where our breaking point will be.

-While the spouse was pregnant

-while the spouse was sick

-with a friend

-with a complete stranger

-actively sought an affair (AM and the like)

-Was cold and angry during the affair

-was kind and loving during the affair

-in the house

-lied and gas lighted

-length of affair

I am certain almost everyone on here would rate this list in a different order as we are all so diverse. But everyone would say that the affair was soul crushing. Because the people here didn't sign up for a one sided open marriage.

[sweet_pea]

My biggest is if it was with a friend or if they got pregnant. Also, if they were in my place/car/etc. while being intimate. Those are the biggest things off the top of my head in which a reconciliation would automatically be off the table and we'd go straight to divorce.

[HtotheN]

My wh has done so many things and I am coming to the realization that I have been quite depressed for some time - I became numb just in order to function on a daily basis. We tried MC. I now want to start IC.

 

He has had multiple partners, told ALL OF THEM that he loved them, brought one to our home and marital bed, shared intimate details with several, emailed family vacation pics of us to several of them, carried on with his "work spouse" while I was out of town and caring for my mother during cancer treatment, told a handful of them before the vacations that he wished that each one of them was coming with him instead of me (making each one think that she was the only one), NEVER used protection (I got tested and stopped having sex with him when I found this out), and that's all that I can recall right now.

 

We are divorcing. I look forward to being whole again. And free.

 

To answer the question though - cheating was always the one and only dealbreaker for me - always was even when just dating someone so I cannot believe that I wound up tolerating that and so much more. I agree with those who have already said that it is difficult to truly know what you will actually tolerate UNTIL you have been there.

Edited December 10, 2013 by HtotheN
I forgot to answer the original question

[Snowflower]

This is why a line drawn in the sand is worthless. To easy to erase and move the line.

 

 

It is easy to say this is how I would handle something. However the way people think they will reacted when faced with a hypothetical situation and one that is real often cause people to respond differently then they thought they would.

 

I agree with this...but pretty much everyone has their tipping point.

 

I, of course, was one of those who told my H (years before) that I would never forgive an affair. I guess I have to eat those words...although it has been very hard to forgive. I'm actually not sure I ever will but that is a different topic.

 

As for the the line drawn in the sand, I know what my dealbreaker would have been. That is not to say that even if that dealbreaker had occurred that I wouldn't have still made an attempt to reconcile at first as I sorted it all out. I still loved my spouse and at least for me, I don't think I would have ever been able to state immediately that it was over.

 

No, it would have been a little more like a slow burn for me.

 

There are actually a few dealbreakers for me that would have eventually caused me to end my marriage.

 

These things didn't occur in my H's affair.

 

The infidelity was bad enough but I know better now what I can forgive and what would destroy it forever.

 

After living the nightmare of infidelity, I can better say what that tipping point would have been. I have a better idea of what I could deal with, unlike all those years ago when I told him-quite blindly and naively-I would never be able to forgive cheating.

 

I just know better now. Hope this makes sense.

 

P.S...I don't want to say what my tipping point is because I know some BS here have dealt with this directly in their own situations-and still reconciled. I don't want to make anyone feel bad for doing something I would not have done.

[Confused48]

Great thread CD. And a lot of great responses.

 

I'm in the category of knowing that you can't know until you are tested in real life. I'm there b/c I was one that was 100% sure, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, that if there was an A, then the relationship would be over. Hell I was sure a ONS would be too much to even try to reconcile.

 

On Dday I found out differently. I still don't know if I'm going to want to stay with WS. That is still undecided. But before Dday I was certain there would be NO CHANCE to continue the marriage. Now I don't know what to do.

 

I think when people post things like, "Well if my WS had done X then I would have ended it" they really do believe that. I also then think, I hope they never have to find out for sure, the hard way.

[compulsivedancer]

I have a weird one, from the WS side. If I had gotten pregnant with OM's baby, I don't think I could've reconciled with H, even if H wanted to. If H and I already had kids, that might've been different. But that's supposition, of course. Maybe in the situation, I would feel differently.

[yellowmaverick]

I have a weird one, from the WS side. If I had gotten pregnant with OM's baby, I don't think I could've reconciled with H, even if H wanted to. If H and I already had kids, that might've been different. But that's supposition, of course. Maybe in the situation, I would feel differently.

 

Why? Did your H want children?

[compulsivedancer]

Why? Did your H want children?

 

I couldn't make him raise someone else's kid, and I couldn't make the kid deal with being a sticking point between mom and "dad."

[Spark1111]

I remember on DDay, as I kicked my H out of our house, to use protection because if she became pregnant. I could M

NEVER take him back as that would mean she and THEIR child would forever be a part of our life.....and I knew I was not strong enough for that.

 

He looked like a deer in the head lights....so I can only assume this was a topic of conversation between them. She had one child, a young one, from a previous marriage and now, I am assured she wanted one with him....when he finally left me....

 

I have nothing but the ultimate respect and admiration for those marriages where the BS has successfully dealt with this scenario....