Learning to Trust

[777doom]

Hi guys & girls!

 

I considered posting this in the second chance forum but figured it is more suited to LDR.

 

Without going into too much detail, my ex and myself have done some talking and she realised that she broke up with me for the wrong reasons so we are looking at meeting up soon probably with a view of getting back together.

 

To make it work again then I need to find ways to feel less jealous / more trusting as this was a contributing factor in the last relationship which caused arguments between us. We have already spoken briefly about it and I have tried to look inside myself to determine exactly why I used to feel like that and I came up with this:

 

She always used to tell me how much fun she had when she went out with friends or went on holiday with people, like she was having the time of her life. She wasn't as forward about how much fun she had with me and didn't tell me often, so I think I felt inadequate and this caused me to get jealous when she spent time with other people all the time.

 

I know that trust/jealousy is perhaps even more important in a LDR so do you guys have any tips of how to increase trust and limit jealousy? One of her best friends is a guy and when I see photos of them together it is a constant battle between my head and heart...

 

Thanks

[justwhoiam]

Maybe someone will give you tips. I just want to say that when a girl is so enthusiastic about things like a day spent with friends, she's at least twice as enthusiastic when it comes to love. So if it is not so, something's wrong.

Should she say nothing about it, you could tell by the sparkle in her eyes, by how much she smiles/laughs, by how lively she is, or by how close she wants to be to you (1 inch or less) all the time.

[777doom]

Hey thanks for your input

 

It is true that if she showed those signs then I would feel more secure about it but she rarely showed that she wanted to be close physically, it would often be me who initiated a hug etc. I don't know if some girls see it as a thing that a guy should lead by doing, but I think it is really important to have this reciprocated.

It is something else I plan to speak to her about when she comes to visits for the day so we can talk things through.

 

Bearing in mind that English is also not her first language so it does throw another element in there. She also has said that she has trouble expressing her feelings sometimes (in general, not because of language although could play a part), but if she can tell me she had a really good time out with her friends, then she can surely say the same thing about me? So I'm not sure if that is more of an excuse or not.

[HeavenOrHell]

I can feel insecure at times with my partner as he's not expressive or very affectionate when we're apart, when we're together though he's very affectionate, if he wasn't then he wouldn't be the right person for me. When I feel insecure it's not because I think he'd cheat, I know he wouldn't, it's more thinking he might meet someone closer to home and then break up with me. When I feel insecure I don't tell him about it, he doesn't deserve that, he's done nothing wrong, it's my problem, not his, I talk to friends about it instead. I don't feel insecure too often.

My partner rarely shows enthusiasm, he did in the first year or so, but not now, we've broken up twice before because of the way he is and being an enclosed person. We didn't break up as I was insecure, more because he felt he couldn't give me what I want/need, ie being expressive and also being able to move.

Maybe your ex doesn't like being too expressive with you as it's a way of guarding her heart, I don't know, just a guess, my partner can be distant when apart as it's his way of dealing with the distance.

If she's given you no reason to distrust her then you're really just going to have to trust her, and if you ever feel jealous then don't give her a hard time if she's done nothing wrong, you'll drive her away. Try and think things through rationally. I do this when it comes to my partner and his female friends, he's friends with his ex for example, she used to stay over every weekend, which was a challenge. Think about how close you are when you're together and how it's you she loves, no-one else, change those negative thoughts into positive ones.

 

 

Hi guys & girls!

 

I considered posting this in the second chance forum but figured it is more suited to LDR.

 

Without going into too much detail, my ex and myself have done some talking and she realised that she broke up with me for the wrong reasons so we are looking at meeting up soon probably with a view of getting back together.

 

To make it work again then I need to find ways to feel less jealous / more trusting as this was a contributing factor in the last relationship which caused arguments between us. We have already spoken briefly about it and I have tried to look inside myself to determine exactly why I used to feel like that and I came up with this:

 

She always used to tell me how much fun she had when she went out with friends or went on holiday with people, like she was having the time of her life. She wasn't as forward about how much fun she had with me and didn't tell me often, so I think I felt inadequate and this caused me to get jealous when she spent time with other people all the time.

 

I know that trust/jealousy is perhaps even more important in a LDR so do you guys have any tips of how to increase trust and limit jealousy? One of her best friends is a guy and when I see photos of them together it is a constant battle between my head and heart...

 

Thanks

[HeavenOrHell]

It is important for it to be a two way thing, it's good you're going to talk to her about it.

 

Maybe also cultural differences playing a part here?

 

I talk more enthusiastically to my friends about my partner than I do to him, as I don't want to come on too strong!! She might not be saying to her friends what a great time she had with them, she says it to you instead, maybe she tells them what a great time she has with you.

 

 

 

Hey thanks for your input

 

It is true that if she showed those signs then I would feel more secure about it but she rarely showed that she wanted to be close physically, it would often be me who initiated a hug etc. I don't know if some girls see it as a thing that a guy should lead by doing, but I think it is really important to have this reciprocated.

It is something else I plan to speak to her about when she comes to visits for the day so we can talk things through.

 

Bearing in mind that English is also not her first language so it does throw another element in there. She also has said that she has trouble expressing her feelings sometimes (in general, not because of language although could play a part), but if she can tell me she had a really good time out with her friends, then she can surely say the same thing about me? So I'm not sure if that is more of an excuse or not.

[justwhoiam]

she rarely showed that she wanted to be close physically, it would often be me who initiated a hug etc.

Well, that goes without saying....... I'm like that too. When we're apart for quite some time and we meet up again, I need to be sure he still wants me. I know it's mostly in my head, because he always wants me, but I always wait for a sign from him and then I'm the most affectionate girl ever. So yes, he needs to initiate anything in the beginning... then after a few hours or days, when I'm more comfortable, I can initiate anything. That basically depends on your behavior and personality.

 

I don't know if some girls see it as a thing that a guy should lead by doing

That's quite true for me. See above.

 

but I think it is really important to have this reciprocated.

I do reciprocate and more.

 

It is something else I plan to speak to her about when she comes to visits for the day so we can talk things through.

Ok. But if you can figure her out without asking every single thing, I guess it's more points to you. Especially if you do that with the wrong timing, or she's not comfortable opening up just yet. All the more so, if you haven't opened up to her yet (ever).

 

English is also not her first language

Neither is mine.

 

She also has said that she has trouble expressing her feelings sometimes (in general, not because of language although could play a part)

I know what that means. Sometimes, it's difficult to express the nuances of what you mean... but more often, it's just because I don't want to say everything...

 

but if she can tell me she had a really good time out with her friends, then she can surely say the same thing about me?

Yes and no. One would expect that you can tell when someone's (overly) happy, excited, etc. Some guys will ask - after making love: "how did you like it?" Maybe they like hearing how great it was, but if it's because they have NO clue, then I guess it's bad.

 

When I feel insecure I don't tell him about it, he doesn't deserve that, he's done nothing wrong, it's my problem, not his, I talk to friends about it instead.

I don't agree with this entirely... I mean one's partner's problems should affect us. A couple should share.

When one of us is sad or feeling low, we can rarely hide it. And sharing can alleviate some of the pain. Also, it helps both grow/mature (etc) just like most experiences in life.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you're saying, but I really only talk to him about things when I think it would help or when I feel he's causing the problem, or if it's a problem with the r/ship, but if it's issues of my own and nothing to do with his behaviour then I don't feel I want to talk to him about it, other maybe than to apologise for feeling insecure sometimes when there's no need to.

There's nothing he needs to do differently with this, it's down to me.

Another thing I don't talk to him about is when I'm missing him a lot because it wouldn't help me or him to talk to him about it, will just make him feel bad that he's not here with me.

Guess what I'm saying is; with some things it wouldn't help to talk to him about them, other things it does.

 

 

I don't agree with this entirely... I mean one's partner's problems should affect us. A couple should share.

When one of us is sad or feeling low, we can rarely hide it. And sharing can alleviate some of the pain. Also, it helps both grow/mature (etc) just like most experiences in life.

[HeavenOrHell]

Men and women both want to feel needed/loved, so it's only fair if both initiate affection etc, shouldn't be one doing most of the initiating.

[777doom]

But if you can figure her out without asking every single thing, I guess it's more points to you. Especially if you do that with the wrong timing, or she's not comfortable opening up just yet. All the more so, if you haven't opened up to her yet (ever).

 

I did used to open up to her a lot, I am happy to talk literally about anything whether it is about a problem or something else, but she never once brought up an issue she had with me... which was kind of unsettling because I thought surely I can't be doing everything perfectly. I think she found it a lot harder to speak about these things, and it used to frustrate me because I felt like I was the only one who cared enough to rock the boat.

 

I get the feeling she was deeply in love with me, and yet she didn't know how to show it, and maybe she didn't bring up any 'issues' with me because she didn't want to risk that she might lose me.

 

I talk more enthusiastically to my friends about my partner than I do to him, as I don't want to come on too strong!! She might not be saying to her friends what a great time she had with them, she says it to you instead, maybe she tells them what a great time she has with you.

 

I have thought exactly this myself, and yet my head will spin this around so that I think she is almost playing us off against each other. I don't see if you 'can' come on too strong if you both really love each other.

 

If she's given you no reason to distrust her then you're really just going to have to trust her, and if you ever feel jealous then don't give her a hard time if she's done nothing wrong, you'll drive her away.

 

Yes I completely see where you are coming from, however this isn't even the main issue for me. OK, so I see a photo of her at a ball with a best friend, they only went as friends but there is still a picture of them with his arm around on her belly and her hands clasped over his.

 

I can't really complain about this because we aren't together and she even took the time to tell me a few weeks earlier that she was going to a ball but it was just with a friend.

 

The issue for me is that if I was in her position and went to a ball with a girl 'friend', I wouldn't want to put any photos like that on Facebook for fear of hurting her (especially if I knew I still loved her). Telling me before hand that he is just a friend won't magically stop me from feeling hurt when I see that photo, she had good intentions but I don't believe she really understands how emotions work.

 

It is hard because I honestly feel like I am way more emotionally intelligent than her (which sounds cocky for me to say), it could be misinterpreted as sesnitive, but I saw evidence of it throughout our relationship before and even now it is the same.