No Longer the OW...meeting his kids

[Popsicle]

My H's kids were older teens when he left the BW, so perhaps closer to the experience of your BF's son than his daughter. The difference was the custody agreement - his kids were old enough to choose, and requested that the courts agree to joint custody with the proviso that the kids decide where they would like to stay, which was agreed. De facto, though, the kids chose to stay with him. After 6 months, I moved in with them. They had been consulted on this and had agreed, and I think that is the important part - kids of that age like to be treated as having some control over their lives. They like to be included in decisions which affect them, and they like to know they are heard.

 

I'd agree that your BF should chat with them, tell them he is seeing someone, let them ask him about you, and let them choose when to meet you. That worked well in my situation, and it don't see why it would not work in yours. Good luck

 

Yeah this is wise. My kids are teens and they are resentful when they are not consulted. When they can take part in choosing their outcome, they are a lot more at peace with their decision.

[Got it]

I am in a similar situation. The kids were early and late teens when the affair and divorce happened. I have found that you will never regret going slowly. I didn't met the kids until 3 years after the affair was out and 2 years after the divorce was final (which was a one time meeting and didn't see them again for almost another year.).

 

I think he needs to talk with the kids and let them weigh in. I did not want to be thrust upon the kids and definitely felt in the first few years he needed to work on his relationship with just the kids. I didn't want to be a surrogate parent and he needed to really develop that with them solo. The oldest has had the hardest time with everyone and it is their decision at the rate we went/go.

 

I advice against suddenly being in there when they show up, etc. It gives them ability to feel like they have say and have some control.

 

When you do meet, have it a very short meeting, just a visit to a place or something, a meet and greet for about 30 minutes and then separate.

 

Even now that we are married I still leave my husband and his kids some alone time every visit so they can be just focus on each other. I am a big cook/baker so easy to do my own thing in the kitchen, making things they like, but still let them be alone. Or will set up sporting events, etc. that they will go to without me. Everyone needs a break and no matter how well we get along that relationship needs to be nurtured alone.

 

I would advise your boyfriend to take a deep breath and focus that for today it is just him and the kids. He has always been a partnership with them up to this point so it is a whole new chapter in their relationship. He needs to focus there and once that is solid bring you in the picture. It also allows you guys time to just date, get to know each other better, and enjoy yourselves. Melding of the family will come but there is no reason to push it.

 

Good luck!

[a_roman_holiday]

So many things here.

What do you mean they don't know you are dating? They know about the affair and they know who you are. If they have been lied to about your current relationship this will only add another layer to the betrayal they feel.

The longer you hold this information from them, the harder it will be because of the continued lying.

 

His kids are 12 and 16. They are not stupid. They have a clue. I was 9 and figured it out. Are you two living together? If not, are there signs of you around where he lives??

 

Why didnt he get 50/50 custody? This also is not great for the relationship. Put yourself in the kids shoes. Dad had an affair, left the family home, and is now only seeing them every second weekend. Is tough for kids not to feel abandoned. Do you have children of your own? Resentment may build there also if you do. I was incredibly jealous of the time my step sister got with MY father that I didnt.

 

I have an easy relationship now with my stepmother. She is a nice lady and a great mum to her daughters. A good grandmother too. It took a good 11-12 years to get over the pain, the jealousy, the hatred and stop blaming her. I had to be an adult before I could understand my dad was just as culpable. I will never forget the pain that we went through, but they have been married for 25 years, and my parents were only together for 10. That says something in itself.

 

So dont insult their intelligence. Tell them the truth. Let them decide when they are ready. But be prepared that it may take a long time. The hurt is real. This is the sad difference between when parents divorce due to irreconcilable differences or whether one party has an affair on the way out. Doesnt matter about the state of the marriage prior, unfortunately, and the cheating will be their father's legacy. Sad but true.

I suppose I mean that they don't know for certain that we are dating. When everything was fresh his ex tried to get back with him and I know in one of those conversations she implied that we were no longer seeing each other. He never corrected her, because he didn't think it was her business who he was dating. She literally tells the kids everything and I believe she relayed that to them.

 

We do not live together. I didn't want to rush into anything. He just came out of a divorce. W both decided it would be for the best if we take things slowly. That said he's over at my place about every other night. I don't stay at his (not as close to work). I've been over and helped him around the house, but I've never left anything.

 

He wasn't awarded 50/50 custody. She makes significantly less than him, so his alimony is insanely high. That coupled with child support and he can afford the tiniest apartment on earth and barely scrape by. For him to have shared custody he needs to have a place with two bedrooms for the kids. I know he's saving up as much as he can to be able to do this, but he's not there yet. He gets them one day during the week (not over night), and every other weekend. He's as involved as he can be. No matter how big or small the event, he's never missed a single function either of them have had (unless they're scheduled at the same time). He loves them. He wanted to make sure that they lived comfortably, so every time she pushed back during the divorce, he caved, because he wanted things to be better for the kids.

 

I can't have kids so I don't foresee any resentment for sharing their dad with a step sibling.

 

I took a lot of the points I've read hear and spoke with him. We agree that the best move is for him to make sure that they know we're dating if they don't already. From there, if they ever choose that they want to meet me they can. even after they meet me, they are the ones who get to determine my level of interaction in their lives.