kellyp1 Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 So, I date this guy for 9 months, the last few months of which he got strange on me. Anyway, we have "the talk" where he says he needs time to figure out if our relationship can become more than what it is. He disappears for over a month, I figure he decided it should be over. I don't move on but I write off the relationship. Until... New Year's Eve he shows up at my doorstep (in the AM) with a Christmas present for me. The present obviously had a lot of thought put into it and involved him buying something he is opposed to (he is a Raiders fan and I am a hardcore Dolphns fan and it was Dolphins related stuff). He tells me some of the reasons (read: excuses) about why he disappeared for over a month and did not return my calls, etc. I tell him he broke my trust and I don't know what I want to happen with him. Trust obviously would have to be rebuilt first. He thinks that because he had some issues come up in his life, he should be off the hook for the month + of non-communication. Said that he deals with problems like that and that it will take time for him to learn to come to me and at least let me know something is going on when problems arise. So, I love him but what is the best way to handle this. My friends tell me he will never change and just continue to disappear when things get bad. He swears he is going to try really hard to make this work and change his bad behavior pattern. Do you think this could really work out? Aside from taking it slow to try to get back to a good place, is there something additional that we can do to make this work? Thoughts appreciated.
Groovy Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 What are the excuses? You say "read excuses" but I don't see that thread. Without knowing what happened it's hard to give advice.
Author kellyp1 Posted January 2, 2005 Author Posted January 2, 2005 Well - there have been many reasons each time he disappears. Death in the family, car broke down, moved, latest is that his ex from 2 years ago came to him and said he is the father of a 1-1/2 year old and needs to pay child support. (He is taking her to court to get a DNA test done). The point isn't what the reasons are but more that when anything comes up, his reaction is to disappear for awhile (usually only a week but this last was a month and a half). He says it is a habit he has when things go wrong and I am wondering if something like that is really changeable or if I need to just give up. Life will always throw you curve balls and success is how you react to it.
SoleMate Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 (Groovy, the OP was just saying that his "reasons" were actually "excuses". There is no other thread.) My friends tell me he will never change and just continue to disappear when things get bad. Kelly, I suspect that your friends are right. Here are some threads about disappearing boyfriends. The problem appears more prevalent than I would have guessed. The common theme seems to be that this behavior is devastating to the people attempting to have a relationship with the disappearer. Often, drugs, mental illness, or even criminal violations are involved. At times, it may just be that old bugaboo "commitmentphobia". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t51080/?highlight=disappear%2A http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39351/?highlight=disappear%2A http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t36614/?highlight=disappear%2A http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31558/?highlight=disappear%2A As far as what you can do...if you're going to try to make it work (which I don't recommend), I would suggest keeping an arm's length from him until he demonstrates reliability. You get to define reliability and ask him to deliver. Just sit down at home with a piece of paper and write down a list of what would make you feel confident in a relationship. For example: * Returns calls within 24 hours * Never stands me up without a great excuse (like stuck in a blizzard) * Lets me know when he'll be out of touch for more than 2 days or whatever your particular concerns are. Share the list with him. If he agrees, and tries, and succeeds, then problem solved! If he breaks these rules, like with a 1 month unannounced disappearance, then you need to decide in advance what the consequence is. I recommend a 3 month moratorium. The point is that you have to have consequences, or he'll just game you to the hilt. Re the thoughtful, Dolphins-themed gift: He obviously knew he messed up big time with his behavior, so he was kissing up to try to get you hooked again for anotehr go-round. After you had already done all the emotional work of getting him out of your head. That would make me crazy.
Author kellyp1 Posted January 2, 2005 Author Posted January 2, 2005 Ya, it did make me crazy and I like your idea. Thanks for the links to the threads, I remember reading the first one when it came out. I still am at this "not sure" place of what I am going to do. I told him he broke my trust and that has to be rebuilt first. That is kind of the bottom line of how I feel. If he can get my trust back, then we can talk about something more. I am just more concerned that this behavior type isn't really something that can be fixed. He blames it on past women that cheated on him and that he physicially tends to not trust and go within himself to deal with issues. We shall see and I will keep you posted. But thanks for some great advice.
Groovy Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 O.K, Solemate is right. If it was a first that would be one thing. But listening to this I think of a brother who is in and out of jail all the time and who knows what he tells the people he dates. He is manic depressive and some holidays, funerals or birthdays he is no where and no one knows where he is- but we know he is having a breakdown and took off. I'm sure he does it to people he dates and who knows what his story of the catastrpohe he lives in is. We make excuses for my poor Grandmother as to where he was when he didn't visit. She was almost 90 and couldn't handle "prison" or the fact her grandson was "mental". That's hard, because he may be a guy who really cares about you. My brother is a good person too. But the bottom line is it is hell for the woman to go through and some people based on mental illness just cannot stop repeating the behavior no matter what happens. My brother has been in jail maybe 30 times and always will until he is dead. I am not saying that this guy is doing all that. Just saying be careful. If it's only his 1st or second time, cut him slack. But if not decide if you can live with this behavior and leave if you can't. Tell him to call you if it is an emotional issue, just so you don't worry. At least you'll know he's not in jail and rule that one out.
dp Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 I don't see this thing working out. My ex-stepfather was like this. Every time a situation arose that would involve family or friends getting together he would totally remove himself by leaving town until whatever it was (holiday, birthday..) passed and then he would return. His daughter committed suicide when she was 15 and that is when he started running away from things. This is a problem that he has and if he isn't willing to work it out then you shouldn't devote your time to him. That is unless you like playing guessing games with him. You shouldn't have to worry about whether or not he will flee when something comes up. If he can't confide in you and stick around to deal with whatever the situation is and he doesn't want your support then maybe he doesn't want the relationship? If you have to think and worry this much then I don't think that the relationship is worth having because it sounds like you are the only one who is bothered by this. He's doing it to you, not the other way around so naturally he's not going to fret about it if you take him back every time. You can't let him think that it is acceptable to do this to you whatever the situation may be. A relationship is supposed to be about sharing, supporting and caring about each other and it sounds like it's one sided in your situation. He's got control over the relationship because he just comes and goes as he pleases and knows that you will be there waiting for him. It's time that you take control and free yourself of this guy.
Author kellyp1 Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Here is the plan of action I am going to present him with. DP - he does know what he does is wrong and said he really wants to change - not just for me but for himself. I am going to tell him that we should work on fixing the trust that was broken in our friendship. I am taking some of SoulMate's ideas and giving him guidelines of what I want. If it doesn't work out as friends, it can never be more than that. So, we shall see. I appreciate everyone's imput and will get some of it put into action right away. I will keep you guys posted as to what happens.
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