3 Weeks After Breakup and Struggling. Did it ever mean anything?

[Fangorn]

Hi guys, I've been coming to this website almost everyday for the last 2 weeks hoping to gain some insight into my recent break up.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I had a good relationship for almost 4 years, we were long distance for a lot of it but saw each other twice a month and spent summer and winter breaks together and other odd weekends if we had something planned. I was also getting ready to move to the city she's in so we would be together properly. 3 weeks ago, on Facebook and out of nowhere she gave me this BS about needing time to find herself to which I replied I was happy to do, unless there was someone else. After some more conversation she revealed there was.

 

That was it for me, I told her I'm not going to be her safety net and said 'Goodbye Porkchop' (a nickname I had for her). The last thing she said to me was 'Ah, that broke my heart.' I immediately initiated No Contact by deleting her number, blocking her Facebook and editing my computer's host files so that I literally cannot access any website she uses, things like Tumblr and her Youtube page.

 

From what I gather, she met someone after she started university (which was only a month before hand) and has led me along while persuing a relationship with this guy. I'm aware she's always been insecure so it can't have been hard, just tell her she's pretty and all that and to be honest, If she had the strength of character to break up with me before she started uni, when she started persuing this other guy or the last time I saw her face to face, which was for her birthday only a few days before our break up I would have understood and let her be, but she didn't and now I am hurt.

 

Anyone who has been in my position knows how it feels, being inadequate, being second best, the disabilitating agony over the loss. After the first week, the physical pain began to subside and instead I've felt anger and hate, I've focussed on all her negative aspects, which there are a lot of now I look back and that's made it easier but the last couple of days I've just felt depressed and I miss what we had.

 

It also doesn't help that I'm so angry at myself for fooling myself into believing she was the person I thought she was and all the money and effort I'd spent on her birthday (a Diamond Necklace) and Christmas presents (A trip to New Zealand with a tour around the Hobbit Set where I planned to propose). Fortunately I could get back most of the money for the trip but how can she accept gifts from me knowing she was about to break my heart?

 

I think the thing that hurts most is, she hasn't even tried to make any contact with me and while I know that's for the best, it feels like everything we have ever shared together means absolutely nothing to her and that everything she has ever said has been a lie.

 

After everything we've been through, everything we've done and shared together, everything that's been said, it all just means nothing, forgotten about, just like that. I know a lot of people say the Dumper checks out of the relationship long before but can this happen in just a month?

 

I know to focus on myself and I have been, I have a lot booked and planned as well as starting weight training and Muay Thai but I suppose I just want the validation that I ever meant something and that it wasn't all a waste.

 

Thanks in advance.

[ponchsox]

Relationships can mean different things to different people. Focus on yourself, stay NC, and move on.

[Fangorn]

But that's easier said than done, I want and feel like I deserve some answers.

[Fangorn]

Hnnng, I was feeling up about being away from this girl but today I seemed to have relapsed and cried over her for the first time. I know I deserve better so why do I feel this way?

[fixing]

Hey bud. So sorry for your pain man. I know 100% how your feeling right now. Truth is man, there is NO magic pill you can take here. You sound like an amazing guy, i mean, those presents and trip you bought her is so fking nice of you, and it should melt a girls heart.

You got burned here. For whatever reason she decided the grass was greener else where.

Well, you just gotta start to love and appreciate your own self worth. I think your self esteem would probably be non existent right now due to her rejection.

 

Its gonna take some time mate, but you gotta suck it up, keep focusing on her negatives, and there seems to be alot of those, and continue NC.

 

You will get through this, but you will never get any answers to your questions. Thats the hard part, so you gotta fill in the gaps your self.

 

Stay strong man

[KelC411]

Hey Fangorn. I totally understand and I am so sorry. My ex as acting in love, talking about the future, and everything. And then we got into a fight about a girl, he broke up with me, and now he is dating her. After 3 years together and 2 of that living together no less. Its hard whe you keep looking back and thinking, "what I am I missing in this memory?" Or "was this a lie? Was that a lie? How far back did it start?" I guess the best advice Ive gotten is the harsh truth: it doesn't matter. Easier said than done, but no matter when they started lying or pretending, they did and then they left. Dwelling on what was meaningful and what was not wont give us answers and unfortunately our exes probably never will either. So, now we need to focus on healing and finding people who wont ever put us in the position of having to wonder if their love is a lie.

[Fangorn]

Thanks for the replies guys and gals, it's deeply appreciated.

 

I just seem to be in 2 minds about the whole thing. On the one hand I know that I'll be better off without her, she held me back from so much and now I have this golden opportunity to go out and be a real person for myself again. I know she's damaged and I don't want her, I don't even want to hear anything she has to say. Nothing in the world can make this right between us.

 

On the other hand though I can't seem to shake this deep rooted hope that she'll come to her senses and realise what she's lost so we can reconcile, or at least show me I meant something. The thing is, I know that I don't want that to happen, it's not rational or logical, and I don't want to be in such a powerless postion ever again. I'm not her plaything and she doesn't deserve any of my time.

 

So why is it that these thoughts of us happy and laughing together and a hope for the future keep surfacing?

[fixing]

Those thoughts and images are surfacing right now because its still so fresh! Its a terrible low blow you have been dealt right now mate. The woman you loved dearly for the last 4 years has gone and run off with another twat. That **** hurts the core mate, your pride, your self esteem, confidence would be shattered right now.

 

You'll be going through these different emotional stages right now, denial, bargaining, hope, depression.

 

This is going to take some time to overcome.

 

You are doing amazing from now mate. Do not contact her though. Jesus christe you gotta respect your self. Focus on all t he negative realities of this situation. She upped and dumped you out of nowhere. She chose someone else over you.

 

You really want to be second choice? Hell no. Look at yourself in the mirror and be proud, hold your head up high and acknowledge that your a great guy who got stabbed in the back.

 

Keep going out with friends and family, exercise and stay NC. The right woman will come along soon mate trust me.

[Fangorn]

Yeah, everyday it gets that little bit easier to not think about contacting her and when I feel really down I end up writing out lists, things like all of her faults, everything she stopped me from doing, All the girls who have been heavily interested in me over the last 4 years (who I of course turned down, mistake that turned out to be). It eases the pain.

 

I'm also glad that I found some self respect at the end, however minor, in telling her goodbye and leaving it at that. That I feel is the silver lining, in giving me up like that she allowed me to seize back a lot of who I am. I just feel so angry at myself for letting it get to a point where I was throwing all of myself into trying to keep the relationship alive while giving up on all my hopes and dreams.

 

I just wish the missing her part would bugger off. I don't miss her, she's a cunt, so why is my heart constantly bringing up these happy memories of us? Apparently my heart is a cunt as well.