2 weeks later, he is with someone else

[KelC411]

It's very tough, and not something you can just quickly or easily put out of mind -- at least I haven't been able to easily. I've had a lot of thoughts and regrets about not getting more little gifts (my ex's love language) and going out more without a fight. I got to where I just wanted to be a home body like an old married couple.

 

But, in honesty, those feelings just boil up when I think about things from her perspective. If I really try hard to analyze the whole situation, I was making a lot more effort to go out and do things with her and her friends. And, in reality, she wanted to spend too much time with us going out with her friends.

 

There's many other examples with me and my relationship, but it boils down to you are regretting from the stand point of wanting to get them back. That's what I am doing for sure, I'd change all this stuff just to have her back with me. If I try really hard to be objective though, I see improvement was being made to balance out a little more and that there is only so far that I'd be comfortable or enjoying budging on certain things.

 

She liked going out to bars and stuff still -- I kept waiting for that to die out, but it never really did even though she's almost 29. I spent about 4 years playing guitar professionally in a touring cover band and every night I wasn't playing in a bar, I was drinking in a bar. I got so burned out that I honestly don't care if I ever see a bar again in my life. I matured and moved past that phase, and I think a lot of people do in their late 20s. From a regretful standpoint I beat myself up over not going out more with her, because I feel that could have salvaged the relationship. But, if I'm true to myself, I know that while I could have gone out some, any regularity would have put me into not being happy or resentful towards her.

 

What these dumpers have done is made us feel like we weren't giving enough when a large part of the issue was that they weren't willing to compromise enough. There was steady improvement on issues she had verbalized when I think over the last few months, but she got to where she wanted it her way or she was out apparently, because she didn't give the opportunity for compromise and salvaging the relationship.

 

Wonderful and thoughtful reply, thanks. You are right that I am looking at it from his point of view. From my view (when I am numb enough to use it), I actually was very kimd and sweet to him. Even if I was lees affectionate, not even 3 weeks ago, I wrapped myself around him and joked I wouldnt let him go or snuggled up at night etc. so its not like I was cold. And I also constantly told him how proud I was of him, how handsome and smart and competent he was. He said at the end that I never tried any activities he liked which is just patently not true. I literally listed things to him. He used this to tell me, "oh so you didnt actually like that stuff?" From his point of view, no matter what I said, it was wrong. I guess Im having a hard time not looking at it through his lens.

[KelC411]

Well everyone, I just got that news that no one wants to hear after a break up. My ex broke NC with me to tell me that less than 2 weeks after ending our 3 years, serious( living together, have discussed marriage) relationship , he is bringing someone new to his graduation. He said he heard I was still going to the ceremony (which is bull, Im not THAT pathetic), and felt that it was "unfair to conceal." Now taking someone to your graduation, where your parents are going to be and lots if mutual friends with your ex, is not a date 1 or 2 activity, and since it has been less than two weeks that basically means that, if he didnt cheat on me physically, he was at least cheating with emotionaly. I am so hurt and shocked. Someone who was kissing me and saying they missed me the night before our fight 2 weeks ago, AFTER 3 years of saying I was the one for him and that he was so happy, after he told me, at first, that he was ending it because I was jealous he hungnout alone with female coworker (he later gave many other reasons and resentments), he is already kissing, cuddling, and probably sleeping with someone else. It hurts so bad. We just kissed before our fight that night, now I cant stop picturing him wth her. I played it cool and just told him I was not going to be at graduation and did not react about the girl. He said "ok srry for bugging you then." But I am crushed.

[LostConfused123]

I know this won't help you much but handled it perfectly!

You remained dignified and graceful and that speaks volumes about your character. He on the other hand looks like a MAJOR TOOL.

 

I understand your pain and I'm so sorry! Are you planning on going NC ?

 

Big hugs to you!!

[MoveAlong]

I'm sorry to hear that! It's a lot to deal with, but you handled it very well. When you are at graduation, just sit with your friends, preferably not close to him. Stay strong, and try to stay positive. You are going to graduate, and things will heal quickly during the summer.

[KelC411]

I know this won't help you much but handled it perfectly!

You remained dignified and graceful and that speaks volumes about your character. He on the other hand looks like a MAJOR TOOL.

 

I understand your pain and I'm so sorry! Are you planning on going NC ?

 

Big hugs to you!!

 

 

Thanks I appreciate it. And yeah, I was NC until he texted about that. I wish he hadnt. I wasn't planning on going to the graduation, so I dont know who told him that. I also went to unfriend his mom on Facebook today (because I knew she woukd post graduation pics and I didnt want to subject myself to that). Unfortunately, what popped up on her wall when I went to do that was a post he had tagged her in thanking her for a pie recipe because he had wanted to make one for "someone special." I didnt look any farther and unfriended her but the damage was done. I cant believe this.

[KelC411]

I'm sorry to hear that! It's a lot to deal with, but you handled it very well. When you are at graduation, just sit with your friends, preferably not close to him. Stay strong, and try to stay positive. You are going to graduate, and things will heal quickly during the summer.

 

Thanks! Its actually his graduation and I definitely didnt plan on going after our break up. Im not sure where he heard that. I hadnt even talked to anyone about it. So I wont be there at all. I wish someone hadnt told him that and I didnt know.

[KelC411]

So, as I have written before, the girl that my ex bf and I had a fight about the night we broke up (when he said I should trust him) are now dating. So I guess now we know why I felt weird about it. Unfortunately, an angry family member facebook messaged this new girl (without my knowledge) after he posted a facebook status about how special this new girl is (not even 2 weeks after BU) She didnt say anything too awful (at least relative to what this family member might usually do), just basically "once a cheater always a cheater." I found out because he messaged me the next morning saying he didnt cheat. Then this morning he called and called and texted and texted. I just deleted every single thing without reading or listening. From the clips I did see, he was saying that they hadnt connected until after our break up and he didnt cheat. I think what he means is that he didnt physically cheat. But I know he was texting her a bunch, laying his phone screen side down (which I didnt remember until after) so I couldnt see, and went on essentially a date with her before we broke up. So I know he at least had an emotional thing going on with her even if he says he didnt "cheat."

 

But here is the important part. I am crushed and feel inadequate and awful but it felt good to delete every single text and voicemail and block him on facebook. Because he doesnt get to justify himself to me and make this all my fault. I wanted to argue with him and tell him emotinal cheating still counts and he had told me he loved and missed me the night before our BU when he had gone and hung out alone with her. However, I know if I had answered he would have pretended he did nothing wrong and that I shouldve seen this coming, etc. but even if he was out of love with me, he was still pretending to be in a relationship so I know what he did with her was wrong and mean (especialy how public he is being). I made mistakes but he chose to leave and chose to be with her. The version of him I knew is dead, and now he is some version of him with her. And there is no point in arguing with a dead person. Somehow that makes me feel stronger, if not better.

[KelC411]

By the way, I am not saying my fam member shouldve messaged him. That actually made it worse since I saw (through that facebook location crap) that he sent the message from her house in the middle of the night. So now I know he is already having sleepovers with her. I asked everyone to not send anything else to him.

[devastated777]

I'm so sorry. I just saw my ex and his new girlfriend that he didn't have either. Funny, actions speak so much louder than words. If they want you , they will be with you. Hard to get thru a thick skull but true.

 

Today is his birthday. I have broken NC twice. (dumb me), but not today or anymore.

 

We will get through this. Each day gets a tiny bit better though. Mine threw me out on 10/26. So this past Saturday was 6 weeks.

[Am4Real]

It is without a very tough pill to swallow…I’ve been there and know all too well unfortunately.

 

I’m sorry for your pain; I’m sorry for all of the humiliation. I understand, oh do I understand.

 

From your posts I cannot assess your age and frankly it doesn’t matter except to tell say you are handling your communications and emotions with a very high level of maturity and self-respect. One thing though, if the going gets rough don’t be afraid to let it out in this thread or start another.

 

My heart is with you.

[Am4Real]

Have you considered deactivating your profile for a few months while you go through the healing process?

 

 

Thanks I appreciate it. And yeah, I was NC until he texted about that. I wish he hadnt. I wasn't planning on going to the graduation, so I dont know who told him that. I also went to unfriend his mom on Facebook today (because I knew she woukd post graduation pics and I didnt want to subject myself to that). Unfortunately, what popped up on her wall when I went to do that was a post he had tagged her in thanking her for a pie recipe because he had wanted to make one for "someone special." I didnt look any farther and unfriended her but the damage was done. I cant believe this.

[KelC411]

I'm so sorry. I just saw my ex and his new girlfriend that he didn't have either. Funny, actions speak so much louder than words. If they want you , they will be with you. Hard to get thru a thick skull but true.

 

Today is his birthday. I have broken NC twice. (dumb me), but not today or anymore.

 

We will get through this. Each day gets a tiny bit better though. Mine threw me out on 10/26. So this past Saturday was 6 weeks.

 

I am sorry you had to see them! And that it was his bday. I am sure that will be a tough day for me to when it happens. Thanks for the words of encouragment! I will be cheering you on in NC.

[KelC411]

It is without a very tough pill to swallow…I’ve been there and know all too well unfortunately.

 

I’m sorry for your pain; I’m sorry for all of the humiliation. I understand, oh do I understand.

 

From your posts I cannot assess your age and frankly it doesn’t matter except to tell say you are handling your communications and emotions with a very high level of maturity and self-respect. One thing though, if the going gets rough don’t be afraid to let it out in this thread or start another.

 

My heart is with you.

 

 

Thank you so much. I am 24 by the way. I really appreciate you saying that. This situation has made me feel like such a child at times so it is nice to hear that. I am sorry you have had to go through this too, i wouldnt wish it on anyine, although I truly appreciate you sharing your kind words and wisdom.

[KelC411]

Ugh I have considered it, especially since it has caused so much drama. But I guess I feel like people wouldknow why (since he has made it so public) and I want to be percieved as holding my head high and being indifferent. I may still consider it though. For now I have been good and mostly avoided it (after the initial mistakes).

[Am4Real]

May I offer you advice?

 

Hopefully yes and with that I would tell you to do "what is right for you and only you". Don't worry about perceptions, opinions or anything else.

 

Think of it this way...would you intentionally go to a party if you knew your EX and his brand new GF were in attendance? Take it a step further, would you stand beside them and put on a good face -- holding you head high and act indifferent, as you put it? Of course you wouldn't...you would avoid it for your own well being.

 

So what's different about that crap application called FB?

 

[HIGHLIGHT]Absolutely NOTHING[/HIGHLIGHT]!!

 

THE PARTY = Social

FACEBOOK = Social

 

Get it now?

 

 

Ugh I have considered it, especially since it has caused so much drama. But I guess I feel like people wouldknow why (since he has made it so public) and I want to be percieved as holding my head high and being indifferent. I may still consider it though. For now I have been good and mostly avoided it (after the initial mistakes).

[KelC411]

Good point. I appreciate the advice. I should not be so concerned about what everyone thinks.