2 weeks later, he is with someone else

[30andsad]

I just wish he hadnt blamed it all on me because now I feel like a terrible person for thinking we had a wonderful relationship when he apparently didnt. He put on a good show.

 

I don't have to know your exact situation to know it was not all you. It never is -- a relationship doesn't fail because of one person. There is no perfect person in a relationship who does all right, and the other who does all wrong. No matter what, there are always issues on both sides that lead to a break up.

 

It's just easier on the dumpers conscience to unload all the issues on the dumpee. It helps them justify their decision and feel they are doing the right thing. In reality though, they have their own issues too. My ex tried to blame most of it on me and I, like you, felt so guilty and went through the could've, would've, should'ves and if only phase.

 

But, honestly, after a step back and analysis of things, there were tons of issues on her end as well. She even finally admitted one of the last times I saw her a few weeks ago when I paid her off for some of the house stuff that it wasn't all me.

 

So, please, please, please don't beat yourself up. There were most definitely issues on his end as well. There are going to be some things he blamed as your fault that may be worth constructively reflecting on and trying to improve, but there are likely other things he blames on you that are just who you are and absolutely nothing wrong with it. Someone else will love you for that same quality without wanting it to change! So, constructive improvement and growth is good, beating yourself up and feeling guilty...no way.

[devastated777]

I just moved out of our shared home. Luckily, I still had my home to come to. We were together for almost 2 years. The last two weeks, he was all weird about how I just didn't act like I loved him anymore. We had a very loving relationship that took off too fast. It ended just as quickly. I still mourn over my loss. he was the sweetest thing in the world to me. The last two weeks, moving forward, he has become vile. I am sad that we have talked to each other and hurt each other the way we have. I never would have thought it would have come to this. People would say if there was ever a perfect relationship, it would be us. I feel terrible that I broke 4 weeks and one day (almost a full day) of NC because I wanted to get some sort of attention from him. All I got was "move on with your life." and "ure trash" and "ure a joke".

 

Not even the same person I knew. Sucks. Bad.

[KelC411]

KelC,

 

I know this isn't going to help much, but please realize that he's blame-shifting.

 

It's very likely that he was happy for most of this time, but something triggered in him and he's grasping at straws to figure out why. Perhaps he did look back at the last three years and realize that NOW he wished he'd kept up those activities.

 

The mature thing to do would've still been to communicate with you.

 

Saying you "goaded" him into the breakup is just another way of shifting the blame. By making it all your fault, he doesn't have to feel any sense of guilt or remorse.

 

In reality, this had WAY more to do with him and his problems than anything you did.

 

Hi Pfenix. I want you to know that I really appreciate your kind words. It doesnt take away the pain but it does help to hear someone say that maybe this wasnt all me. I know that "if onlys" are pointless, but I just keep thinking, if ai hadnt pushed him that night after he had said it would be ok, if I had just let him be angry instead of sobbing that if he wanted to break up with me he should, that maybe we would still be together. Maybe we couldve worked it out. It seems like he wadnt planning on doing it that night until I forced the issue.

 

But everyone tells me, hey, if he really didnt want to break up with you the he wouldnt have, period. Even if he was annoyed that you had said that. And I guess I can see the sense in that.

 

You are right, the mature thing to do wouldve been to tell me he was feeling resentful and that we needed to make some changes. He says he didnt because I was stressed and he didnt want to put more on my plate, but I would say I certainly have a lot on my plate now. I just wish he wouldve given me a chance because despite my mistakes, I would have done anything to make him feel more fulfilled. I also think he discounted a lot, in that later in the relationship, I did pick up many activities that he was interested in that werent necessarily my cup of tea. Its like he cant see past those first mistakes I made and give me credit for anything else. WhenI pointed out that he had recently wanted to pick back up a certain sport, I had been very encouraging and even offered to pay for it. He says now that I just did that because I could sense him pulling away, which is not tre, since clearly I am shocked by all this.

 

I just cant help but thinking that maybe I triggered it by forcing the issue that night after he had said it would be ok and not just letting him be mad. I was just scared that I was losing him and acting emotionally.

 

Thank you for you helpful insight. I hope one day I can not blame myself for all of this because I know thats not good for me. But it is so hard.

[KelC411]

I don't have to know your exact situation to know it was not all you. It never is -- a relationship doesn't fail because of one person. There is no perfect person in a relationship who does all right, and the other who does all wrong. No matter what, there are always issues on both sides that lead to a break up.

 

It's just easier on the dumpers conscience to unload all the issues on the dumpee. It helps them justify their decision and feel they are doing the right thing. In reality though, they have their own issues too. My ex tried to blame most of it on me and I, like you, felt so guilty and went through the could've, would've, should'ves and if only phase.

 

But, honestly, after a step back and analysis of things, there were tons of issues on her end as well. She even finally admitted one of the last times I saw her a few weeks ago when I paid her off for some of the house stuff that it wasn't all me.

 

So, please, please, please don't beat yourself up. There were most definitely issues on his end as well. There are going to be some things he blamed as your fault that may be worth constructively reflecting on and trying to improve, but there are likely other things he blames on you that are just who you are and absolutely nothing wrong with it. Someone else will love you for that same quality without wanting it to change! So, constructive improvement and growth is good, beating yourself up and feeling guilty...no way.

 

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response, 30. My logical side knows you are right. He must have had major communication issues, if he couldnt sit down with me at any point and tell me that he had some of these resentments and that things needed to change. He didnt really give me a chance to work on it, which I gladly would have. He says he was "too fearful," but thats crazy because even if I had cried or been somewhat upset, I have never been abusive or even really mean to him. Even in fights I never called him names or told him he was terrible or anything near that, so whatever he was afraid of, was his issue.

 

My heart just doesnt know this yet. It feels like I blew it with the love of my life (I dont even really believe in "the one" but he is the greatest love I had ever known up until this point) with all of my flaws and insecurities and anxieties. My heart keeps telling me, "if only you hadnt goaded him that night, if only you had tried harder the pastfew months to dress up for him and look prettier, if only you had not been hesitant to join some of his activities in the beginning of the relationship (they were tied up with his ex and their mutual friends, so it was a weird situatiin, although I admit I shoukd have pushed through and done it for him anyway)"

 

I really appreciate you saying someone else will love me. I know its dumb but I cant help feeling that if this person who acted so happy and treated me so well for 3 years cant stick it out with me then I might just be unloveable. I dont feel like I "need" a man, but I do want a husband and a family some day. I thought I was there. And now I feel like I ruined it and he is leaving with this story about me being this controlling, terrible gf who madehim lose himself.

[KelC411]

I just moved out of our shared home. Luckily, I still had my home to come to. We were together for almost 2 years. The last two weeks, he was all weird about how I just didn't act like I loved him anymore. We had a very loving relationship that took off too fast. It ended just as quickly. I still mourn over my loss. he was the sweetest thing in the world to me. The last two weeks, moving forward, he has become vile. I am sad that we have talked to each other and hurt each other the way we have. I never would have thought it would have come to this. People would say if there was ever a perfect relationship, it would be us. I feel terrible that I broke 4 weeks and one day (almost a full day) of NC because I wanted to get some sort of attention from him. All I got was "move on with your life." and "ure trash" and "ure a joke".

 

Not even the same person I knew. Sucks. Bad.

 

 

Hi devastated. I so so relate to your story. Our relationship also took off fast (we moved in together before a year of dating) and now, looking back, maybe that was a mistake. We just thought we were meant to be. He was also the sweetest person to me and always made me feel beautiful and loved. Everyone thought we would get married. my best friend visite drecently and said how much he seemed like he loved me and how happy we seemed. But, like your ex,he has also turned vile in the past 2 weeks. First he blamed the break up on my jealousy (he had gone out with a single female coworker and didnt tell meuntil after which made me a little uncomfortable). Then he blamed it in the fact that he had told me it would be ok, and I "forced the issues" by sobbing that he should break up with me if he wanted. I know that was childish, but I was scared and emotional, and I guess I wanted to hear him say that that wasnt even an option. Needless to say he didnt.

 

Then he blamed it on all the mistakes I made within the first 3 months of our relationship and said I had set a negative tone for our relationshio (though we were together 3 YEARS after that). He said I had made him give himself up and that he ws tired of being my chameleon, which I think is extreme. Then when I tried to defend myself he got really nasty and said I wasnt his effing problem anymore and that he was deleting me on facebook because his boss would be setting him up with people and he didnt want to get a "crazy" phone call when that happened (which I wouldnt have done). I just cant believ that someone who told me just 2 weeks ago that they loved me and missed me and wanted to cuddle, could say such cruel things now.

[LostConfused123]

Hey there,

You received so many genuine responses, I really have nothing to add except to say that I'm so sorry for your pain.

I know what you are going through. Please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.

Stay strong!!

Big fat hugs to you today!!!!

[KelC411]

Hey there,

You received so many genuine responses, I really have nothing to add except to say that I'm so sorry for your pain.

I know what you are going through. Please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.

Stay strong!!

Big fat hugs to you today!!!!

 

Thanks so much! I appreciate your support. Hugs to you as well!

[Am4Real]

He's blaming you?

 

He's blaming you for things which were bothering him "way in the past"?

 

Shame on him!!!!!!

 

Don't you dare fall for his "blame game", all that is (whether true or not) is a means for him to make himself feel better. We all have a responsibility to deal with issues when they arise in a relationship. Either we work through their total resolution, live with them and never throw them up again, or leave the relationship. That's it.

 

This is a cop out by a very immature schmuck!!

 

Again for you, do not fall for the blame game and give it not another thought. Do not let those words linger, they were inapproriately delivered and obviously meant for him.

 

I am so sorry...

 

 

Hi Am4Real. I guess there is really no true help anyone can give me since no one can really tell me what my ex was thinking. I guess ai want some reassurance that it wasnt all my fault and that he left instad of ever communicating his issues to me. But I know you all werent there and so you cant really tell me if it was my fault or not. I guess I just need somewhere to get this self blame and shock and grief out of my head.

 

When we started seeing each other , I was 21 and he was 25. Now I am 24 and he is 28. I guess thats what surprises me about him not telling me about the issues he had and just acting happy up until now and him accusing me of annoying him into the break up. I always thought he was very adult and mature and that he would discuss any issues with me openly. I mean he literally brought up things that happened at the very beginning of our 3 years, before we moved in together, that I thought were in the past. But I know it doesnt really matter why, he is gone. I just wish he hadnt blamed it all on me because now I feel like a terrible person for thinking we had a wonderful relationship when he apparently didnt. He put on a good show.

[Canadiangirl78]

I also started to think I was crazy because that's how he made it seem when we would argue. I know that I am a very rational person who is able to look at different points of view and know that people are different and can perceive the same situation in different ways, but he would always tell me I was overreacting to things. If I was upset with him about something and tried to talk about it with him, it would always turn into a huge fight and he would go so far as to tell me that nobody else on the face of the earth would be mad about this or that. That was a favourite line of his if I was upset about him drinking too much or bringing up that we had a lot of work needing to be done around the house and he needs to curb his spending etc. it's not that I was upset about something ridiculous. He just had such a way of twisting things to try and make me look like a nutcase. It's so so frustrating to have someone minimize your feelings like that and it can be incredibly damaging to a persons spirit, especially when it's done to you over and over. I guess these guys really have no idea how strong we are do they!?! What they don't realize is how strong we really are and there is no way in he!! that they are gonna break us! We're too damn strong for that!!

[KelC411]

I also started to think I was crazy because that's how he made it seem when we would argue. I know that I am a very rational person who is able to look at different points of view and know that people are different and can perceive the same situation in different ways, but he would always tell me I was overreacting to things. If I was upset with him about something and tried to talk about it with him, it would always turn into a huge fight and he would go so far as to tell me that nobody else on the face of the earth would be mad about this or that. That was a favourite line of his if I was upset about him drinking too much or bringing up that we had a lot of work needing to be done around the house and he needs to curb his spending etc. it's not that I was upset about something ridiculous. He just had such a way of twisting things to try and make me look like a nutcase. It's so so frustrating to have someone minimize your feelings like that and it can be incredibly damaging to a persons spirit, especially when it's done to you over and over. I guess these guys really have no idea how strong we are do they!?! What they don't realize is how strong we really are and there is no way in he!! that they are gonna break us! We're too damn strong for that!!

 

Absolutely! My ex and I didnt fight that often, but when we did he would always make me feel crazy. Sometimes he would act apologetic and say "let me take some of the blame for this, Ive been a jerk." But then he would still argue against everything I said! And I'm like, wait so do you want me to take the blame for this or not?! And our last fight, he had gone to a single female coworker's place to drink beer and watch movies when I thought he was going out with a group from work. He didnt tell me until afterwards. Then he made it seem like no other girl in the world would possibly feel even a little weird about that and that I just didnt trust him. In the past there were a couple times when he saw or talked to his ex and didnt tell me until during/afterwards. I truly dont think he cheated on me, but he always acted like I was so jealous and untrusting to feel weird about that. I never even accused him of cheating! In fact during our last fight he said, fine he would just go out with his female coworker in a group and I said, no its fine, you dont have to change your behavior just because I feel a little insecure. I said just tell me befor next time and he said "it wouldnt matter, it would still bother you." Later he told me that that was me being "unaccepting of compromise." He tried to blame our break up on me being "jealous and suspicious." (Which we only fought about this type of stuff maybe 3-4 times in our 3 yrs of dating) until later her said he actually had been worried about being unfaith*** to me and we had "lost our intimacy." However, in the 2 weeks prior we had snuggled, had sex, and showered together, so you tell me thats not intimate.

 

As far as being strong, I also agree. I had been going through a stressful two months for sure, and had leaned on him for support. But there were other times when he had leaned on me too. But when we broke up he actually said "sorry if our relationshio was your last ray of hope." And "I tried to stick it through until you got your life under control." I am a grad student with a job and money, its hardly like I ws this wreck of a person. Forget them if they think we are weak and crazy just because they cant deal with the fact that sometimes they are wrong!!! I hooe they both regret it! But more than that, I hope we find people who respect us!

[KelC411]

He's blaming you?

 

He's blaming you for things which were bothering him "way in the past"?

 

Shame on him!!!!!!

 

Don't you dare fall for his "blame game", all that is (whether true or not) is a means for him to make himself feel better. We all have a responsibility to deal with issues when they arise in a relationship. Either we work through their total resolution, live with them and never throw them up again, or leave the relationship. That's it.

 

This is a cop out by a very immature schmuck!!

 

Again for you, do not fall for the blame game and give it not another thought. Do not let those words linger, they were inapproriately delivered and obviously meant for him.

 

I am so sorry...

 

Thanks so much, am4real. I really appreciate the feedback. I feel so crazy for thinking our relationship was so great when he had all these hidden resentments. If he had told me earlier, when we had a chance to fix it, I would have done anything to try to work it out. So it kills me that he ended it without giving it a chance, especially after telling me we would always be together and that we were a great team, etc. even in the last month he talked about what I would change his name to when we got married. And now suddenly I made him lose himself and he is tired of "being my chameleon." I did make mistakes, but he is an adult, and I feel like it was irresponsible of him to not try to talk this through with me befor bailing. And I assure you I was not this crazy controlling gf no matter how he tries to make it sound. I do have my flaws and insecurities, but I dont think I spent the whole time "forcing him to lose himself." When I pointed out some activities I had encouraged him to pick up recently, he said that was only because I felt him pulling away. Which clearly I didnt sinceI had no idea.

[LadyM]

They manipulate our minds, twist things around, finger point at us - turn around and blame us for all the problems. All because they somehow need to justify all their bad behavior. We are the problem, not them. And they crush our spirits in the process.

 

If we are feeling insecure, it is because of their behavior which is less than above board. If a man is loving, respectful, kind and affectionate, his partner will not feel insecure.

 

These men will milk the relationship until "someone better" comes along and then they are out of there so fast, justifying their actions by placing all blame on us.

[KelC411]

Hi all, I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and reply to me.

 

Today is almost 2 weeks post BU and 6 days NC (besides one short message about a practical stuff exchange matter). I wont tell my story again but it was 3 yr happy and loving (or so I thought )relationship and he dumped me unexpectedly and blamed me for doing many things to make the relationship fail.

 

How does everyone here deal with their regrets? For instance, I have had a very stressful couple months and know I wsnt as physically responsive to him as I should have been. I mean we still cuddled and hugged and even still had sex. We would still walk hand in hand or I would out my arms around him. But I know there were times when he went to hug me or kiss me that I probably pulled away quicker than I should have or when he tried to initiate sex that I didnt respond (although to be fair, there were times when he said he was tired after 11 hr work days too and he was also very stressed). My ex (ouch does it ever get easier to use that term) was a very physical affection type of person (that was his "language of love") and now I cant help but regret every single time that I didnt hug or kiss or have sex when he wanted to. At the time I was stressedand worried about things I needed to do. I thought we would always be together, so I never worried about it., which I know was wrong.

 

My friends say "well thats just the ebb and flow of a long term relationship" and "that was normal and would have changed when you were both less stressed" but I cant help by feel I "blew it" with him by not being as affectionate as I had been in the past. I know I should just learn from it, but I feel SO MUCH REGRET that I dont know how to move past it. How have some of you dealt with these types of regrets?

 

Thanks so much for being so supportive!

[BOREDouttaMymind]

the pain you feel is because youre at that place where you 'cant believe hes gone'.

 

go look in a mirror and say over and over until you cry "HES GONE".

 

sounds rough, but what do you want, crappy advice that says "oh youll be ok sweety". that's not my style.

 

you need to accept the truth in order to get over this pain.

 

youre a strong girl because youre trying to deal with it, so that's awesome of you, but you need to get it out in the open that hes gone.

 

do that first. and youll start to heal. don't do it, and youre going to be wallowing in the mud for months and months over the fact that you still 'cant believe hes gone'.

 

do you want to be in pain or do you want to move on?

 

youre choice my friend.

 

so.... choose.

[KelC411]

They manipulate our minds, twist things around, finger point at us - turn around and blame us for all the problems. All because they somehow need to justify all their bad behavior. We are the problem, not them. And they crush our spirits in the process.

 

If we are feeling insecure, it is because of their behavior which is less than above board. If a man is loving, respectful, kind and affectionate, his partner will not feel insecure.

 

These men will milk the relationship until "someone better" comes along and then they are out of there so fast, justifying their actions by placing all blame on us.

 

 

Absolutely. Unfortunately, most of the time he was loving and kind. I am anxious person and I think some of my insecurity stemmed from that. But I was willing to admit it and tell him I wa wrong. In fact I wasnt even going to say anything about the jealousy I felt about him hanging out with this girl, because I knew I was just being inscure. But he basically picked it out of me("are you upset about it? I know you are upset about it. Are you upset? I thought you would be upset") and then got mad when I finally admitted that it did seem weird. But then I still tried to say, look you can still do that, I trust you and just feel insecure. But he still said he didnt feel trusted and that is was over, so wtf?i think he has actually wanted out for a while and just used the fight as a reason.

[KelC411]

the pain you feel is because youre at that place where you 'cant believe hes gone'.

 

go look in a mirror and say over and over until you cry "HES GONE".

 

sounds rough, but what do you want, crappy advice that says "oh youll be ok sweety". that's not my style.

 

you need to accept the truth in order to get over this pain.

 

youre a strong girl because youre trying to deal with it, so that's awesome of you, but you need to get it out in the open that hes gone.

 

do that first. and youll start to heal. don't do it, and youre going to be wallowing in the mud for months and months over the fact that you still 'cant believe hes gone'.

 

do you want to be in pain or do you want to move on?

 

youre choice my friend.

 

so.... choose.

 

I appreciate your honesty. You are right. I feel like some days I accept it and do better as far as trying to move on, but then every time I wake up in the morning it all hits me again. I know it doesnt even matter WHY he is gone because he chose to leave, so thats it. But its just hard.

[2fargone]

I guess I just started realizing that indeed these things happen in a relationship, and it takes two to make it or break it. The fact that she decided to break it is not my responsibility. We both could have done things differently.

[LadyM]

Absolutely. Unfortunately, most of the time he was loving and kind. I am anxious person and I think some of my insecurity stemmed from that. But I was willing to admit it and tell him I wa wrong. In fact I wasnt even going to say anything about the jealousy I felt about him hanging out with this girl, because I knew I was just being inscure. But he basically picked it out of me("are you upset about it? I know you are upset about it. Are you upset? I thought you would be upset") and then got mad when I finally admitted that it did seem weird. But then I still tried to say, look you can still do that, I trust you and just feel insecure. But he still said he didnt feel trusted and that is was over, so wtf?i think he has actually wanted out for a while and just used the fight as a reason.

 

My boyfriend could also be loving and kind. On the other hand, he could be insensitive and mean. If they weren't loving and kind some of the time, then they wouldn't be able to get what they want from us.

 

You are NOT insecure because of your anxiety. You are insecure because he chose to hang out and drink with a girl alone in her apartment. That is NOT how a loving boyfriend behaves. Do NOT blame yourself. HE did something wrong, not YOU. He gave you EVERY reason to feel jealous and insecure and then he was heartless enough to blame YOU??!! He got mad at YOU for HIS wrongdoing??!

 

I just don't want you falling into this trap of blaming yourself because you truly did nothing wrong here. I know it's hard to see that, but these kinds of people are pros at manipulating the minds of others. And he did that, and is doing that, to you.

[Never Again]

I've felt the same way.

 

Still do many times.

 

Yes, these things can and do happen in long term relationships...but communication helps smooth things over.

 

As for regrets...well, you can't do anything about these issues now. Regrets just hurt you more because they keep you dwelling. As you can do is learn and move forward.

[30andsad]

It's very tough, and not something you can just quickly or easily put out of mind -- at least I haven't been able to easily. I've had a lot of thoughts and regrets about not getting more little gifts (my ex's love language) and going out more without a fight. I got to where I just wanted to be a home body like an old married couple.

 

But, in honesty, those feelings just boil up when I think about things from her perspective. If I really try hard to analyze the whole situation, I was making a lot more effort to go out and do things with her and her friends. And, in reality, she wanted to spend too much time with us going out with her friends.

 

There's many other examples with me and my relationship, but it boils down to you are regretting from the stand point of wanting to get them back. That's what I am doing for sure, I'd change all this stuff just to have her back with me. If I try really hard to be objective though, I see improvement was being made to balance out a little more and that there is only so far that I'd be comfortable or enjoying budging on certain things.

 

She liked going out to bars and stuff still -- I kept waiting for that to die out, but it never really did even though she's almost 29. I spent about 4 years playing guitar professionally in a touring cover band and every night I wasn't playing in a bar, I was drinking in a bar. I got so burned out that I honestly don't care if I ever see a bar again in my life. I matured and moved past that phase, and I think a lot of people do in their late 20s. From a regretful standpoint I beat myself up over not going out more with her, because I feel that could have salvaged the relationship. But, if I'm true to myself, I know that while I could have gone out some, any regularity would have put me into not being happy or resentful towards her.

 

What these dumpers have done is made us feel like we weren't giving enough when a large part of the issue was that they weren't willing to compromise enough. There was steady improvement on issues she had verbalized when I think over the last few months, but she got to where she wanted it her way or she was out apparently, because she didn't give the opportunity for compromise and salvaging the relationship.

[mtnbiker3000]

OP - Just wanted to say that I relate with your situation. I too, shared a wonderful home with my ex only to have all of that ripped out from underneath me. Forcing me into a small, depressing, 1 bed, 1 bath apartment, and adding many financial issues to deal with as well. It's a complete 180 from where I was not even a year ago, and it's very confusing and frustrating.

 

All I can say is take it slow. Take it day by day, and slowly, things will start to straighten out. You're not alone

[KelC411]

OP - Just wanted to say that I relate with your situation. I too, shared a wonderful home with my ex only to have all of that ripped out from underneath me. Forcing me into a small, depressing, 1 bed, 1 bath apartment, and adding many financial issues to deal with as well. It's a complete 180 from where I was not even a year ago, and it's very confusing and frustrating.

 

All I can say is take it slow. Take it day by day, and slowly, things will start to straighten out. You're not alone

 

Thanks, mtnbiker. Im so sorry you are going through this too. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. My finances are definitely going to be tighter too, although I havent even had time to absorb that yet. Thanks for your kind words. It helps to know Im not alone

[KelC411]

Please use spell check. Very hard to read.

 

Sorr that in my grief, my main concern isnt whether my posts are perfect. And many other people seemmto have been able to read it so there is no reason for your rude response. please use compassion.

[KelC411]

My boyfriend could also be loving and kind. On the other hand, he could be insensitive and mean. If they weren't loving and kind some of the time, then they wouldn't be able to get what they want from us.

 

You are NOT insecure because of your anxiety. You are insecure because he chose to hang out and drink with a girl alone in her apartment. That is NOT how a loving boyfriend behaves. Do NOT blame yourself. HE did something wrong, not YOU. He gave you EVERY reason to feel jealous and insecure and then he was heartless enough to blame YOU??!! He got mad at YOU for HIS wrongdoing??!

 

I just don't want you falling into this trap of blaming yourself because you truly did nothing wrong here. I know it's hard to see that, but these kinds of people are pros at manipulating the minds of others. And he did that, and is doing that, to you.

 

Thanks, LadyM. I guess you are right. I had never really thought of him as manipulatic but my best friend recently said that too. She said he knows I will take the blame, so to ease his guilt he put it all on me. And thanks for reassuring me that the hanging out with the girl thing WAS weird. Even if he didnt cheat on me it was odd. He first made me feel like that was the reason he was breaking up with me, although later he added in a bunch of other things he blamed me for like "making him lose himself" and "not wanting to be my chameleon anymore." Which was all news to me. He blamed me for everything. Didnt even admit that maybe he shouldve communicated all of this to me earlier and given us a chance to work on it. The worst part is that, if as everyone says, he has been planning/thnking about this for a while, he went out of his way to act like things were good with us. So, that is definitely manipulative or at least dishonest.

[KelC411]

I've felt the same way.

 

Still do many times.

 

Yes, these things can and do happen in long term relationships...but communication helps smooth things over.

 

As for regrets...well, you can't do anything about these issues now. Regrets just hurt you more because they keep you dwelling. As you can do is learn and move forward.

 

Yeah, I wish he had communicated with me about his needs and disatifaction. I would have done anything. You are right about moving forward. Its the only option because I dont want to be stuck on this forever.