2 weeks later, he is with someone else

[KelC411]

Hello all! I am new here. My bf of 3 years broke up with me a week ago seemingly out of the blue. I knew we had both been under a lot of stress lately and probably not doing as much as we should (we hung out on the couch and watched TV a lot). However, I had no idea it was at the point of breaking up. We had always said we were a great team and would get through anything. We had a big fight after he went out with a single coworker alone and didnt tell me until after. I was jealous but didnt think anything had actually happened so I tried not to say anything. He kept asking until I admitted I was uncomfortable about it, we then got into a huge fight and in the end he said it was over. At first he said it was because he didnt feel trusted after 3 years and that I hadnt let him be mad (I was upset at how distant he was acting after). However, when we talked a few days later, he said he felt he had had to give up large parts of himself to be with me and was tired of “being someone’s chameleon.” I definitely made mistakes aspt the beginning if our relaionship when I was much more immature and felt threated. For instance, he was fit and I was not and in a way I encouraged hik to embrace his couch potato side. Although for a long time we still did things like hiking and kayaking together. However, he said I had forced him to live a sedentary lifestyle which I think is a bit extreme. We didnt become truly sedentary until this summer when both of our schedukes went crazy.

 

And I think I made up for many of these mistakes as our relationship went on. Also up until 2 weeks ago he was still saying he was happy with me and up until a couple months ago was still talking about us getting married and being a great team and missing me when I was gone.he always said we were soul mates He had always said that he didnt want a “scorekeeping” relationship so I had no idea he had resentment about things that happened within the first 6 months of our relationship. He also said he felt my stress (my parents recently divorced acrimoniously and I have been having school and job dissatisfaction) had “leaked” into his life. Which I am pretty sure is just part of sticking it out through hard times.

Also, Full disclosure: we were hippie stoners together and smoked a good bit of marijuana. Though I was the original smoker, he became into it and sometimes even more so than me (buying us fancy paraphenalia, etc.). In the past couple months we had both expressed some interest in quitting since we were getting older. However, it was a stressful time (I am in my last year of grad school and he was starting a new job with lots of writing to do outside of work). We had a discussion and decided to hold off on quitting. He said he was cool with it and wasnt worried about himself though he did wonder if it gave him some bad work habits.

However, when we broke up less than 3 weeks after that conversation, he told me that he thought it had gotten in the way of our intimacy and adventures. I wll give him the adventures although I think our work schedules had to do with that too. But for most of our relationship, even when smoking, we had very intimate times. Making love often, showering together, sending each other sweet messages, sharing our hopes and dreams and fears. If I had known he thought it was harming US I would have dropped it no questions asked. But he made it seem like it was no big deal. I have certainly quit now and for the future. knowing that it was apparently a relationship issue. Please dont respond just to give me crap if you dont agree with smoking. I acknowledge it was an issue but I dont think it was the primary issue here.

 

He did apologize for not having expressed his fears and problems with our relationship honestly and admitted he thought it had gone downhill over the past (even though I have messages well into this year that were lovey dovey and said he couldnt wait to get home and snuggle me on the couch, etc.). However, given that I have frequently asked him if he was happy all these years and if there were things I could do differently and him saying no, i am super shocked to find out he carried all these issues and resentments with him. I thought those things were in the past. I certainly would have done anything for him if he had said to me “hey I am becoming dissatisfied, lets do X, Y, or Z and see if we can make it work.” But he didnt. He never told me any of this. He wouldnt have even told me if I hadnt asked foR a closure convo (i know it was a bad idea). He would have gone on and let me think that it was because of this fight about my jealousy which by the way during all this he admitted he was worried about being unfaithful when I went away for my grad internship.

 

I am just shocked. When I tried to speak with him further he said some nasty things about me not being his effing problem anymore and how he was already being set up with girls. I just cant reconcile this with a man who only 2-3 weeks ago asked me to cuddle him closer, came and talked with me while I was in a bath, and told me I was beautiful.

 

I admit that I made mistakes, especially at the beginning of the relationship. But we had three lovely years with very little fighting and lots of fun times. He admitted it had been mostly happy after spending an hour pointing out all the things I had done wrong, but that he had “grown to want different things.” Though I take responsibilty for many things, i also think he hasdone some rewriting of history and omitted some of the awesome things I did (e.g. Helping him through his grandmas death, supporting him through a job he hated, helping him through a terrible kidney stone). I also thinks its not great that he didnt communicate any of this to me, thoguh, again, i am not saying I didnt make mistakes.

 

I dontknow what to do. I couldnt eat Thanksgiving dinner. He has already started making our (now his) apt a bachelor pad and basically dumped my stuff in a basket and told me he didnt love me anymore. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we were in in for the long haul. And I am just devastated. I alternate between shock and grief and replaying all of my mistakes. I also think about our good times and how Ill never cuddle im again or kiss him again and someone else will do that and it kills me.

 

Sorry for the long post. I just have so many thoughts. Thanks for reading!

[headinthecloud]

I'm so very sorry this happened to you. How awful!

 

Firstly, it's not your fault he doesn't love you. That's on him. Secondly, you didn't deserve this so don't let him define your loveableness. You deserve to be loved as much as you love them.

 

The hard part is over, you're now on the path to recovery. You must first go NC (no contact). That means no social media, no google searching, deleting all emails, photos, eveythihg. Cut him completely out of your life. He no longer exists in your mind. All those thoughts should now be focused on you and getting healthy.

 

There will be good days and horrible days for the next 4mos. After that, it gets easier. Here's a guide that helped me on the path to recovery.

 

Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide

 

Also, read barky2's post on the broken hearten. It's good advice.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted

 

This will pass. You're not alone. We are here for you so post here whenever you feel like contacting your ex or even just to vent or cry. Be strong. You will get through this. *hugs*

[whiteknighted]

I can't link because I'm on my phone, but check out some of the topics I've posted about my relationship breaking up. It sounds like we've gone through something similar.

 

It's the advice that's always given and I can only reinforce it - go NO CONTACT! It took me 7 months to fully break contact with him as I was scared that by doing so it would further him on his path to getting over me. But you really need to do it for your own benefit and (other people will disagree with this intention) to make him realise what's he's missing out on by not hanging on waiting for him to take you back.

 

I saw my ex 2 months after we went full no contact because I had found out he'd lied to me about going out to a club with a 'friend' who's intentions were not above board. I think the 2 months of no-contact had changed my ex's view of me and when we had a conversation, the power balance seemed to shift away from him - I could tell he was cut up about leaving me.

[justash-x]

This is exactly what happened to me, completely out of nowhere the relationship is over. I've realized if he's not willing to try and make it work he's really not worth it.... go and find someone who would do anything to be with you!

[organizedchaos]

This is exactly what happened to me, completely out of nowhere the relationship is over. I've realized if he's not willing to try and make it work he's really not worth it.... go and find someone who would do anything to be with you!

 

Same here. Nearly 3 years and she just up and walks away from a man who truly loved her.

[bobby326]

This sounds very similar to my situation. She got "bored", cheated on me and left out of no where after 4 1/2 years. I'd like to tell you that it will be easy but id be lieing. Take everyone's advice on the NC, I did not start to heal

Until I initiated it, and I can't stress this

Enough, DO NOT ask mutual friends how he is doin or stalk him on Facebook, in my opinion that's almost worse than calling him, it will eat you alive. I did that for over a month post b/u and it killed me. I'm now over 3 months post BU and 2 months NC, I can honestly say I feel so much better. Sure I think about her everyday and when I feel like **** or have had too much to drink I get more emotional about it but it is gettin better.

 

If I knew what she was doing, who she was with etc, I really doubt I would be where I am. Focus on yourself, don't date till your ready, I made that mistake too, I've been on a bunch of dates from online dating but it did not make me feel much better, I know I need to just focus on me and not try and replace this void in my life, hang in there, you'll get through this.

[TanTry]

I am very sorry this has happened to you

 

I have read your post and what I can sense is that he may have been thinking of this decision for a while. I'm starting to learn that this is normally the case

 

Hence why they are so calm and cruel and matter of fact

 

It is horrible, I am 2 days into my breakup and I think the answer is NC as everyone says

 

You need to focus on you, just remember time waits for no one and you must keep going forward

 

What he has done is horrible and please believe me when I say that although he is acting as if he is all happy now inside he isn't. It will all come back to bite him

 

You seem like a lovely person, do not forget that

 

Keep posting here, we are all here for you

[KelC411]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I know nothing will take my pain away but going through it but it helps to have support. I am absolutely going NC. I have to returna chair to him and will have to let him know when I leave it there but that is all I am going to do. Ive already decided that will be it even though I keep thinking of arguments to the things he sadi I had done wrong. I just hate to feel that he is leaing this thinking of me as this terrible person who madehim lose himself when I just dont think thats the whole truth. I just keep picturing him. I have him memorized. He even tried to hold my hand right before the fight. I just keep feeling like its my fault and how will anyine ever love me? I cant even get mad that hes a jerk because he never actually cheated and he treated me really well (until the break up, at which point he became viscious).

[headinthecloud]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I know nothing will take my pain away but going through it but it helps to have support. I am absolutely going NC. I have to returna chair to him and will have to let him know when I leave it there but that is all I am going to do. Ive already decided that will be it even though I keep thinking of arguments to the things he sadi I had done wrong. I just hate to feel that he is leaing this thinking of me as this terrible person who madehim lose himself when I just dont think thats the whole truth. I just keep picturing him. I have him memorized. He even tried to hold my hand right before the fight. I just keep feeling like its my fault and how will anyine ever love me? I cant even get mad that hes a jerk because he never actually cheated and he treated me really well (until the break up, at which point he became viscious).

 

If you have to return something to him then have a friend do it for you and have them relay the message. If that's not possible then deliver it and say very little - be as cold as ice. Do not show emotion to him. Do not get angry, frustrated and sad when with him. You must be strong. If you lose control of your emotions in front of him you will only validate his ego and reinforce that he made the right decision. Cut all ties.

 

Start this very moment...zero contact. You might feel like you're being mean but remember he broke up with you - and he needs to get used to the fact you are not in his life anymore. You'll thank yourself later if you do.

Edited December 2, 2013 by headinthecloud

[bobby326]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I know nothing will take my pain away but going through it but it helps to have support. I am absolutely going NC. I have to returna chair to him and will have to let him know when I leave it there but that is all I am going to do. Ive already decided that will be it even though I keep thinking of arguments to the things he sadi I had done wrong. I just hate to feel that ha he is leaing this thinking of me as this terrible person who madehim lose himself when I just dont think thats the whole truth. I just keep picturing him. I have him memorized. He even tried to hold my hand right before the fight. I just keep feeling like its my fault and how will anyine ever love me? I cant even get mad that hes a jerk because he never actually cheated and he treated me really well (until the break up, at which point he became viscious).

 

Your very welcome, everyone on this site has been amazing. I can honestly say that I am healing quicker and stronger because of this site. Knowing that other people have been through the same situations and have ended up ok or better on the other side is comforting.

 

I am still recovering but I know because of the progress I have made that I will fully heal. I have been through this before, different circumstances, I was younger, it was a LDR and it was not as serious, we were not living together sharing bills etc but it still hurt. My last breakup was prolonged by the fact that I chose to keep her in my life by looking at her facebook, chatting online, texting etc. DO NOT do that, I have made more progress in 3 months then I did in 9 months in my other breakup, all because I know NOTHING about her life right now.

 

Sure it scares me to think that she could have a new BF or be out sleeping with other people but I know I have NO CONTROL over any of that and knowing about it will do NOTHING to help me. Find EVERY possible way to block any info about him, block him on FB, twitter, instagram etc. Delete his #, block his # if possible, ask all your friends and family since they will most likely still see his FB to not tell you ANYTHING about what they might see on there or what they might hear. Treat it as if he died, as horrible as that sounds it's the fastest way to moving on.

 

My ex did the same thing when she left, made me out to be this terrible person, I was not perfect and when I think back on a lot of the things I did I feel like crap because I could have handled them differently but I always loved her, was loyal, never cheated on her, would do anything for her and a lot of our fights were for good reasons. She took the easy way out, did not want to deal with any issues we had, she will realize one day that she lost something great and will deal with issues, maybe different ones with any future partners as no relationship is perfect and fun ALL the time. Hang in there.

[ponchsox]

Best advise is go no contact! Delete his number and Facebook block him! You need time to grieve and talking to him will make it more difficult. A lot of breakuos happen out of the blue, but truth be told he checked himself out a while ago.

[Canadiangirl78]

I also had one of those who would point his finger at me for everything not ever realizing he had four other fingers pointing back at him. When I would get angry at him for something, always justified, he would blow up and we would somehow end up arguing about what a horrible person I am. I would always want to discuss, not argue, our issues but he could not handle me bringing up something that may not have shed a positive light on him. I felt trapped because I did not have a partner who was mature enough to discuss issues in our relationship. I know how it feels to question all that you have done for your relationship, it's not nice and can really mess up a persons mind if you let it. You sound like a great person, don't do his dirty work for him and blame yourself for everything. It's okay to love someone, but you really need to love yourself more. I wish you all the best, you are going to be just fine, no, better then ever!

[KelC411]

Thanks, headinthe clouds, you are right, NC and being strong is what I can control right now and so I need to focus on that.

[KelC411]

Thanks, bobby326. I am glad to hear this helps. Being on here and reading others' stories and seeing everyones responses definitely gives me some relief. I like what you said about your ex taking the easy way out. You are right. I may have made mistakes but I was loyal and loving and he wasn't willing to communicate and work on issues. He cut and ran when things got hard, which it sounds like your ex did too. And you are right, all relationships have issues so if thepat is their pattern then there will be some difficulty ahead for them.

[KelC411]

Thanks so much for you kind words Canadiangirl78 and for sharing your experience. We did not fit a lot but when we did I alwasy felt I got the blame. It was funny because he would say "I can take some of the blame for this, you don't have to take it all," but then he would always have a counterpoint to everything I said. I told him once that it made me feel a little crazy, which he threw in my face during our break up (he said he didnt want to have to worry about making me feel crazy). You are right that I need to focus on loving myself. It is just hard when someone you loved, well, still love, tells you a list of all your mistakes. But just because I mademistakes, doesn't mean Im terrible. I can't wait til I am better!

[KelC411]

Yesterday, I had to got the the apartment office at the complex in which we lived and sign papers to have my name taken off the lease. He had already told them we had split and when I walked in she had his paper signed and had me sign mine. Not only was this hard because even walking the pathes around the office reminded me of so many times together, it also made it all real.

 

Logically I already knew he wasnt going to want me back. He told me he doesnt love me anymore and that I made him give himself up for me (he gave up some activities within the first 3 months of our relationship, but I had NO idea he was resentful about those and would have gladly picked uo any activity for him). Heis the kind if person that once he has made up his mind, always thinks he is right and he truly believes I was this terrible person who made him lose himself, despite the fact that he told me he was happy for 3 years and that he would always be with me.

 

But I guess me heart didnt believe it was over,because when I signed that paper and knew that was it, It was all I could do not to break down sobbing until I got to my car. Its really over. He doesnt want me anymore. He even told me he loved me earlier last week but that our relatinship would end in resentment, but then he told me later that he just didnt love me anymore and wanted something different. I still thought he was in love with me until the break up. I knew we were stressedat work but he had recently told me he wasnt bored with me and we still laughed and showered together and snuggled on the couch. Heck, he even told tried to hold me hand right before the last fight (he had gone out with a singlecoworker and didnt tell me until after, I wasnt going to say anything, but he kept asking if I was upset about it and then got made when I admitted it was uncomfortable). I never woukd have guessed he was dissatisfied or didnt love me anymore. Even after the fight he said we were going to be ok, but when I got upset he was acting distant, he ended it, saying I had "goaded" him into it. He said we wont reconcile and he is already being set up with other girls. But Inguess somewhere deep down I was hoping he would take me back. He seems fine and like he was just ready for me to be gone.i had no idea he resented me for all these things. He never told me.

 

But now Ive totally moved out and its really over. I still love him deeply and I am so crushed.

[KelC411]

I know my posts are too long, I just have so many thoughts in my head. I'd really appreciate a response. Anyone else have to move out recently?

[RDawg]

Shame KelC, it's hard when the reality hits you.

 

My ex girlfriend left me around 2.5 months ago. We owned a house together and she took all the furniture and appliances etc when she left.

 

I am living in an empty shell of a house with nothing but my bed and the TV. One plate, one fork, one spoon.

 

I have to rebuild my life entirely now. I know exactly what you are going through. Be kind to yourself..

[KelC411]

Thanks for you reply RDawg. That must be so hard. He offered to let me live in the apt. until I got my new student loans but I knew it would hurt too badly to be surrounded by the reminders of our life. I hope you are also being kind to yourself. When this happenes, I guess its not only the person we lose but the life we had built and the future we had planned, which adds a whole other layer of grief. *hugs*

[Am4Real]

Kel,

 

I’m very sorry to hear of your pain – it’s a tough situation facing reality.

 

What is it you feel you need help or advice about?

 

Can I ask how old both of you are?

 

 

 

Thanks for you reply RDawg. That must be so hard. He offered to let me live in the apt. until I got my new student loans but I knew it would hurt too badly to be surrounded by the reminders of our life. I hope you are also being kind to yourself. When this happenes, I guess its not only the person we lose but the life we had built and the future we had planned, which adds a whole other layer of grief. *hugs*

[30andsad]

KelC and RDawg, I feel for both of you. I, too, owned a house my ex and she moved her things out a month ago now. Luckily, most of the furniture was mine, but I still had to replace about $1,000 worth of stuff, plus pay her out for some of the larger items we bought together. Living in a shell of a house is exactly what it feels like.

 

I had a mancave downstairs though with all my stuff in it that she rarely spent time with me in though, and I have found that staying down there is much more comforting to me than upstairs just because I don't have memories associated with her as much in that space. RDawg, I hope you have some sort of similar retreat in your home -- it definitely helps.

 

Stay strong KelC -- living with someone and breaking up definitely adds that extra element of hurt on top of the breakup because you get so used to that person being with you, doing chores together, etc. This is the second long term breakup I've had where I lived with an ex. The first was just for 6 months though, this one was for 3 years, so it was tougher. It will get better though. For instance, the first month and a half or so I could hardly sleep without her beside me, but I'm getting good restful sleep again now. As cliched as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. It's going to be tough, and there's no way out but through it -- you'll get there though, on day at a time. Best of luck!!

[KelC411]

Kel,

 

I’m very sorry to hear of your pain – it’s a tough situation facing reality.

 

What is it you feel you need help or advice about?

 

Can I ask how old both of you are?

 

Hi Am4Real. I guess there is really no true help anyone can give me since no one can really tell me what my ex was thinking. I guess ai want some reassurance that it wasnt all my fault and that he left instad of ever communicating his issues to me. But I know you all werent there and so you cant really tell me if it was my fault or not. I guess I just need somewhere to get this self blame and shock and grief out of my head.

 

When we started seeing each other , I was 21 and he was 25. Now I am 24 and he is 28. I guess thats what surprises me about him not telling me about the issues he had and just acting happy up until now and him accusing me of annoying him into the break up. I always thought he was very adult and mature and that he would discuss any issues with me openly. I mean he literally brought up things that happened at the very beginning of our 3 years, before we moved in together, that I thought were in the past. But I know it doesnt really matter why, he is gone. I just wish he hadnt blamed it all on me because now I feel like a terrible person for thinking we had a wonderful relationship when he apparently didnt. He put on a good show.

[KelC411]

KelC and RDawg, I feel for both of you. I, too, owned a house my ex and she moved her things out a month ago now. Luckily, most of the furniture was mine, but I still had to replace about $1,000 worth of stuff, plus pay her out for some of the larger items we bought together. Living in a shell of a house is exactly what it feels like.

 

I had a mancave downstairs though with all my stuff in it that she rarely spent time with me in though, and I have found that staying down there is much more comforting to me than upstairs just because I don't have memories associated with her as much in that space. RDawg, I hope you have some sort of similar retreat in your home -- it definitely helps.

 

Stay strong KelC -- living with someone and breaking up definitely adds that extra element of hurt on top of the breakup because you get so used to that person being with you, doing chores together, etc. This is the second long term breakup I've had where I lived with an ex. The first was just for 6 months though, this one was for 3 years, so it was tougher. It will get better though. For instance, the first month and a half or so I could hardly sleep without her beside me, but I'm getting good restful sleep again now. As cliched as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. It's going to be tough, and there's no way out but through it -- you'll get there though, on day at a time. Best of luck!!

 

Hi 30andsad. Thanks for your encouragement. I am glad to hear you are sleeping better, because I cant sleep right now and it is making it worse. I still lie down on "my side" of the bed and feel this void beside me. We spent no more than 6 days apart for the whole 3 years we were together and you are right about the extra pain. I went to grab my phone yesterday to call him and tell him I was on my way home, and when Irealized, it was like losing him and our life all over again. Hope you continue to do well and feel better and better!

[Never Again]

KelC,

 

I know this isn't going to help much, but please realize that he's blame-shifting.

 

It's very likely that he was happy for most of this time, but something triggered in him and he's grasping at straws to figure out why. Perhaps he did look back at the last three years and realize that NOW he wished he'd kept up those activities.

 

The mature thing to do would've still been to communicate with you.

 

Saying you "goaded" him into the breakup is just another way of shifting the blame. By making it all your fault, he doesn't have to feel any sense of guilt or remorse.

 

In reality, this had WAY more to do with him and his problems than anything you did.

[d0nnivain]

At least your apartment complex let you off the lease. With all the emotional stuff going on these things get worse when the person who stays doesn't pay the rent & then the landlord sues you because you are still on the lease.