disillusioned_love Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I am from a conservative south asian background. My boyfriend and I are actually related. This relationship is not considered taboo/incestual in our society but my family is against such relations. My boyfriend and I started our relationship in secret almost 4 years ago. We were two continents apart and so far have met each other 3 times since we started this relationship. Needless to say we skype everyday or talk to each other on phone. Both of us get anxious when we do not talk to each other for more than 24 hours. We genuinely care for each other. However, from day 1 we both knew and accepted that this relationship can never be brought out in the open. If our families come to know then it will ruin all family relationships and even our relationship with them. This year we meticulously planned our secret "rendezvous" and I hopped onto a plane and visited him for 2 weeks. This was the best time we had. We both are like soulmates and understand each other perfectly. Before leaving, he made me promise that I will not feel sad and always cherish these moments we spent together. However, both of us were saddened and depressed when our time together came to an end. I came back to my country with memories of the time we spent together. The problem started when I came back to my home country to visit my parents. South Asians believe in "arranged" marriages and since I am 26 I should be married soon (societal norms). When my parents discussed about this with me, I agreed with them. But I was devastated inside. I could not tell them that I had found my perfect match and I could not imagine anyone but him in my life. I discussed this with my boyfriend on one of our skype calls and broke down badly. He was saddened to see me so depressed and blamed himself for continuing this relationship for sooo long. He told me that it pained him too but we will get through this together. That I would find someone "better" than him and be happy cos I deserved it. He even said we will have to adapt this and change this slowly but we will always have each other and always talk to each other. Since I broke down, I feel a bit better. I think I can go through this arranged marriage stuff. But now my boyfriend has started behaving weirdly with me on skype. Every second sentence he asks me "Oh! are you crying ??" and "I dont want to do anything that'll make you want more out of this relationship and make you feel sad". Last two times on skype, I asked for internet sex and he refused. My persistent asking led him to say "from now on we will only talk, no more virtual/phone sex". I felt soo rejected. I felt as if I lost my self respect. I know why he is doing it. He is trying to make our breakup easy. Sometime in the next year, I might get engaged through the arranged marriage system and he is trying such that our relationship does not end abruptly. But I hate it. I love him soooo much. I cant imagine one day go by and not talk to him. I am already depressed that there is only so much time left before we have to break up for real but I cant face it. I think he's suggesting that we have a platonic relationship from now on. Being rejected sexually has added onto this hurt. I do not know what to do anymore. Should I initiate the breakup? I can't even enjoy my annual vacations because of this.... Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do???
headinthecloud Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 While I don't subscribe to your cultural views my advice is to stop talking to him now. It will have to happen eventually. You created a habit these past 4yrs so it will be very hard to break. Your body will feel like it's coming off of a drug - this is why they say love is a drug, because you go through withdrawal when you come off of it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do. But if you love him, let him go. You're not meant to be together from the sounds of it. 1
Author disillusioned_love Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Our daily exchange is just a recap of our respective day, some work related talk and sharing something interesting. The problem is I do not have anyone else to share my experiences with. I have no other close friend. In some ways he is also my closest confidante. We share our work related problems and give each other advice. I do not know how to fill up the vacuum if we stop talking.
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