Worried parent Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I posted my story on another site, but there were never many suggestions. I'm just so desperate for opinions I decided to give this site a shot. Here it goes: Sixteen years ago my husband and I were ready to divorce when I came up with the idea of seeing other people. Quickly I found out no one was as good as him but he met a girl. She was nineteen and they met at a bookstore. He told me he thought she was the one. Nine months into their relationship she got pregnant with a little boy, they stayed together until he was about six months old. After they broke up we got back together and have been fine since. When the baby was two they moved to California so she could go to school. We saw him once when we went there for a vacation when he was about four, shortly after that my husband got a letter from her asking him to give up his parental rights which he refused to sign. When he was six they moved to New York and we didn't ever see him again until our youngest daughter found him on Facebook about two years ago. He was so handsome and he looked very smart. Our daughter would message him whenever she came over and we all would read his responses together. One year ago, his mother took her own life. Her body was brought back here where she grew up. He now lives with us, and he's a fantastic kid. He's very quiet and polite and when he does get talking he's very very funny. he's taken it upon himself to mow the lawn and clean the house. It started after I was stressed about my house being a mess and friends were coming over. I left and when I came back my house was sparkling, I almost cried I was so shocked. It hasn't stopped, I've told him he doesn't need to clean, but he still does. He got a 4.0 this year and an outstanding student award, but he didn't tell us about the awards assembly and was there all alone. When my husband asked him why he didn't tell us he said it was because he didn't want us there. That broke my heart, we just want to be supportive of him. A very pretty girl asked him to the school dance and he told her no, he thought she was fake and to stay away from him. Her parents came to our house and talked to us about it and said they didn't like the way he treated her and we should make him go with her. My husband said no, we wouldn't make him do anything he didn't want to. He never invites friends over. He eats lunch alone, or reads in the library. We've been told people WANT to be his friends, but he doesn't reciprocate. Boys want to have him play sports or go to movies, he says no. Girls want him to come over, he says no. He pushes them away. We bought him a guitar after he told me he won a competition when he was seven singing and playing guitar. Shortly after, it broke and she never got him a new one. My husband sent her child support checks, that were never cashed. Not a single one. Her ex fiancé was like a father to him has cut off all contact with him. I can tell it hurts him, he never speaks about it but I can see it in his eyes. They were together the night she died, she sent him a text telling him to not let her son inside their apartment. He kicked the door down to get to her and was too late. My husband's son didn't see her body until the funeral, but he saw blood all over the floor. I've asked him if maybe he would like to speak to a therapist, even a family therapist, and he told me no but thanked me for my concern. I'm worrying that maybe we aren't doing the right thing by letting him call the shots, but I don't want to push him away either... What should we do?
beach Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 He's being himself. I'd discontinue trying to change him. Allow him to be true to himself. He seems to be doing well. Ask him if he has any interests that you can help him develop further. Creative outlets help healing as well. Don't try to change him - just love him for who he is...introvert and all.
juicygirl Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 He's a kid,don't ask him if he needs to see a therapist, he's a kid, take him to a therapist. You all need to see a therapist. This is what happens when adults make stupid selfish decisions. The kid doesn't trust adults. Look at his life, his dad left went back to his wife, his mum killed herself and his step dad left too?I wouldn't trust anyone either and who knows what his mum went through as a single 19 year old mum, before she met her partner. She probably didn't cash the cheque because she didn't want anything to do with you're husband after he left her with a 6 month old baby. That's why she wanted him to sign over his right, some woman are like that they don't want an in and out dad. She would have been angry,resentful and confused because when your husband was with her, he probably made out that you were the devil and she was the "one". So when he went back to you,big ouch. Back to the kid, he has major trust issue and the only thing to fix it is time and therapist. He needs to see that you guys are not going to ditch him when the going gets tough. He doesn't want to get close to anyone, hence not wanting to date that girl. I'm not trying to be mean to you and your husband but family therapy sounds like the key but he prepared to answers some very uncomfortable questions 1
CarrieT Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 He's a kid,don't ask him if he needs to see a therapist, he's a kid, take him to a therapist. You all need to see a therapist. This is what happens when adults make stupid selfish decisions. I'm not trying to be mean to you and your husband but family therapy sounds like the key but he prepared to answers some very uncomfortable questions This, this - a thousand times - this. He is going to needs YEARS of therapy… Well into late 20s, at least.
Author Worried parent Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 We just worry about setting him off from us. I agree he needs someone to talk to about his life, we have little to no detail about him, other than he was very happy before she passed and wanted to attend NYU, where her fiancé went, with a Hofstra backup. He left behind a girlfriend and quite a few friends. From what we were also told, she was very sick the last year of her life, had broken up with her fiancé and lost a pregnancy directly after. But she worshipped her son, always together, always doing exciting things, they took him to premiers, and social events, and always had a good time. He has started calling my husband 'Dad' which has been sweet of him to do. After he and my husband bought his guitar he asked why and he said because we loved him and wanted to support him, just like our other children.
Keenly Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Stupid selfish decisions ? Kid being troubled ? what ? The kid sounds just fine to me. Sounds like he likes his privacy. Also....what makes the husband selfish exactly ? They split when he was a baby... are you implying people should stay together and be miserably unhappy for 18 years to give the obviously transparent illusion that they are happy ? Plus the mom is the one that moved. The kid sounds like he is doing fine... its just not what YOU want him to do.
scorpio1978 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I don't think he sounds like he doing fine at all. There is a difference between wanting to be himself and wanting to be BY himself. It sounds like he is isolating and doing a darn good job of showing how great he can be to mask what is really going on inside. There is a big difference between a moody teenager and one who pushes everyone away and wants to be a loner. Him asking why your husband does nice things for him is concerning too. It's like he doesn't feel like he deserves it or something. Your husband was gone when he was a baby, his mom's fiance left, she killed herself and the common denominator in all of this is him. Of course we all know this is not his fault, but does he? I agree with family counseling, but putting a spin on it so that he doesn't feel like he has to go because there is something wrong with him is the key and I am not sure how you can put that into words. Sorry, I am not much help there, I just wanted to say that I think there are some issues brewing there and he is not fine.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 He definitely needs to see a therapist of some sort, but one could do much worse to harbor a troubled kid such as this (what grand habits). Coerce/inspire him into going to therapy... so he can at least preserve the impressive traits he has shown, to share with others throughout his future.
beach Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I don't see it as troubled - I see grieving. That's normal until he adjusts. If he develops bad behavior/habits such as alcohol or drugs as a means to cover his pain - then he could be troubled.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Tell him that you all love and adore him, that you'll do anything he needs if he wants help. continue to show him that in words and in actions. And if he is ready and willing family counseling or him going on his own is there on the table if he wishes.
Author Worried parent Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 She decided my husband wasn't what she was looking for and broke it off. It crushed him and we didn't get back together in a hurry, as he wanted time alone. He would go see them, I'm pretty sure they continued being intimate right until she moved, but that's a different story. He is a wonderful boy, no matter how he's feeling he is always polite and respectful. I also get the feeling he's more comfortable with adults than peers. I'm well aware he is still grieving the day it had been a year, he was very very quiet, and would just cry and cry. He watched her favorite movie, telling that to my husband. Who responded "I know, I took her to see it." He smiled a little which was nice. I'm unsure about forcing him. We don't want him to hate us, my husband keeps telling him we'll find a way to pay for schooling at NYU if that's what he really wants.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I'm unsure about forcing him. We don't want him to hate us, my husband keeps telling him we'll find a way to pay for schooling at NYU if that's what he really wants. I don't think you force him (to see a therapist) in the context where men in white uniforms come and drag him from your house, and toward a therapist... but this person is at such a delicate place in life, and with such a healthy future possible, given his potential... that you should inspire him to see a therapist. IF that takes going there with him, perhaps just you and him (even though he's your husband's son)... and (maybe even) youuuuuuuuuuu giving the therapist the back story, and then calling upon the therapists understanding of human nature to suggest future steps... then strongly consider doing so. Meanwhile, read this related story from a recent magazine issue: After tragedy, Duke's Andre Dawkins shares emotional journey - College Basketball - Seth Davis - SI.com
HorseLuck Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I agree with a nudge towards therapy as well. Allow him to meet with a couple of different therapist and see if there are any he takes a liking to. Let him know he can choose to stop attending at any point if he doesn't feel comfortable. Regardless of how well he is doing in certain aspects of his life now, therapy can be beneficial in helping with the grieving process. He's at a crucial stage right now.
Author Worried parent Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 He started telling me about life in New York last night, and how much he misses his mom. He thinks about her everyday and just wants to know why she didn't ask for help... I asked him about therapy again, and he looked very hurt. I told him that there's nothing at all wrong with him, I just hate to see him hurting and we want to help and he just walked away.
KathyM Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 He's grieving right now and may not be ready to talk to someone. But I do agree with the others that therapy is ultimately the answer to help him process his feelings of loss, both the loss of his mother, and the loss of his father figure. He never really bonded with his bio dad, your husband, so his presence is not much consolation in the loss of his father figure. He's had a lot of loss in his life, and a lot of transitions, and moving around the country. It's no wonder he doesn't want to invest in friendships or relationships with other kids his age--because he doesn't want to develop attachments to them because he believes they too will eventually leave him, just like everybody else did. He is protecting himself emotionally from further loss. The problem is, though, that he will not be able to bond with others if he doesn't come to terms with the losses he has suffered. He needs to process those losses, and that needs to be done with the help of a therapist. I would suggest independent counseling for him alone--not family counseling at this point, to help him process his loss. If he is not ready for that at this point, then gently suggest it again in a couple of months and let him know that it would likely be helpful for him to talk about his feelings of what he's been through and offer to make an appointment for him.
scorpio1978 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 He started telling me about life in New York last night, and how much he misses his mom. He thinks about her everyday and just wants to know why she didn't ask for help... I asked him about therapy again, and he looked very hurt. I told him that there's nothing at all wrong with him, I just hate to see him hurting and we want to help and he just walked away. I suggest backing off on the suggestion for a little while. Continue to talk to him about his feelings and be the one he can open up to- you and your husband. Not saying you can fix everything, but if he can learn to trust and allow his feelings to come out, he may not need therapy in the long run. The problem with suggesting therapy again is that he may not be so open with you about what he is thinking and feeling out of fear you are going to suggest he go talk to someone. If he finds it hard to trust people, he sure won't trust a stranger. Hug him, tell him you love him, ask him how he is doing and just be there for him. He needs that now more than anything.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Worried Parent: This is bigger than you are!!, and that's OK It isn't as if some bully was stealing his lunch money at school, where you would just go through the motions of calling the school authorities and have them track down just who and when. This is a person's mind, and it needs professional help. There is no stigma to this sort of need, but he has to go, and you need to bring that about, so as to save all three of you from further aggravation.
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