Feeling rattled right now...

[Inflikted]

To preface this post, I'm a 25 year old guy that's never been able to properly make friends and build up a social circle, and I've come to have pretty major trust issues with people in general because every time I've tried to make friends, I always ended up getting burned and feeling bad.

 

There's a guy I've known for a while, and I've always been a bit biased against him for a number of reasons, with one in particular being a major one for the last year or so now. A few weeks ago, he started expressing an interest in trying to become friends with me, help me get out more, meet people, and see the world, and have a normal social life.

 

I've been hesitant, but I've been trying to loosen up, and I've been letting my guard down and starting to trust him (which is very difficult for me to do at this point), and I've been telling him some personal things. I talked to him about that major reason I was harboring a grudge against him, and he flat out told me that he wasn't doing what I believed him to be doing, and that I had no reason to worry about that. I've been feeling slightly relieved, though his actions have still made me sort of question how honest he was being.

 

Today, I overheard something, though, that has gotten me a bit worked up, because it REALLY makes me call into question whether or not he's doing what I believed he was doing. And unfortunately, there's no real way for me to find out the truth without overstepping boundaries.

 

This is causing me a lot of turmoil, because on the one hand, I don't want to give up on opportunity to finally start developing a social life, but at the same time, if he ends up doing what I think he might do, I wouldn't want to be friends with him because I wouldn't be able to cope with him doing that. He's expressed an interest in building a friendship with me, but he knows enough about how I feel about this one major issue to know that I would not take it very well if he does what I think he's going to do.

 

And right about now, I'm feeling completely rattled. All I can think about is, can I trust this guy? What is he going to do? Do I continue trying to build a friendship with him and risk the major emotional turmoil I'd go through if I found he's doing what I fear he's doing? Or do I assume the worst and cut ties now, and go back to having no friends and no social prospects for the future?

 

I just really don't know what to do... :/

[nescafe1982]

I want to help address your question, but your post is very vague and it makes it hard to tell what you're talking about:

 

"There's a guy I've known for a while, and I've always been a bit biased against him for a number of reasons, with one in particular being a major one for the last year or so now."

 

What is the big reason? what is the big stumbling block here? Explain a bit.

 

"I talked to him about that major reason I was harboring a grudge against him, and he flat out told me that he wasn't doing what I believed him to be doing..."

 

What was the grudge about?

 

"Today, I overheard something, though, that has gotten me a bit worked up, because it REALLY makes me call into question whether or not he's doing what I believed he was doing. And unfortunately, there's no real way for me to find out the truth without overstepping boundaries."

 

What did you hear? How did it undermine what he told you? And what boundaries would you have to overstep to find out the truth?

[Inflikted]

Eh, well... I hate to admit it, but it's about a girl. And also, just to get this out of the way, the three of us are all part time coworkers.

 

I almost never find a girl I even want to go on a date with. Last year, I met a girl that's pretty much my "dream girl". As it turned out, before I ever even liked her, she and this guy had a thing for each other and dated, but he cheated on her and it ended badly between them. I pursued her later without knowing that at the time, and she rejected me, and I had a hard time with it because I liked her so much, more than anyone I've ever met before. He eventually found out I had feelings for her, but it didn't really matter, because at the time, she had started dating a different guy for a little while. There was a bit of a rift between she and I for a while, but that's not important here.

 

Anyway, lately, after her last boyfriend also cheated on her, she and this guy have become very chummy and flirty again at work, meanwhile, I still have very strong feelings for her, but wish to remain friends, but she hasn't quite become friendly with me again. I've been super jealous seeing them like that, and I've been assuming there's something going on between them, which has been unpleasant for me.

 

A few weeks ago, when he really started talking to me about being better friends, he said he knew I was jealous of him and her, and he flat out told me that they had become good friends at work again, and that they weren't friends outside of work, and that nothing was going on, and that I didn't have to worry about any of that. I remained cautious, but I tried to take some assurance in that.

 

Today, I overheard a snippet of a discussion between she and him, in which she was trying to get him to become a work out companion. This was a bit of a red flag to me, because he made it seem like there was nothing going on between them outside of work, and that he had no intention of pursuing anything beyond work with her. But if he takes her up on this offer, I feel like this is bound to be one of those "one thing leads to another" scenarios, and they'll start hooking up or dating, or whatever.

 

The thing is, I know it's none of my business and I know they're both free to date whoever they want. But he knows how strongly I feel about this girl, he's expressed interest in being friends with me, and he knows that if he gets with this girl, it would cause me a lot of pain.

 

I'm just worried about what his intentions are, here. Like I said, every time I've opened up to people, I've gotten hurt pretty badly. I don't think I could cope with being friends with him if he starts messing around with this girl, knowing full well how I feel about that.

 

But then again, he could easily conceal it from me, and I could be the dummy that's friends with a guy who's purposely sleeping with the girl he knows I'm crazy about. How would I know? I can't approach him on it any more without seeming obsessed and paranoid (which, I know, I basically am, at this point...), and if he is trying to get with her, I expect he'd probably just continue lying to me about it anyway, so that wouldn't do any good.

[nescafe1982]

Well, isn't it always about a girl?

 

I think that however awkward this situation is for you, there's not a whole lot you can do about it.

 

1) your guy friend already has history with this girl, and if they are going to fool around, it has nothing to do with you (even though it hurts);

 

2) from what you have written here, it's not really clear they are more than friends at all (as you guy friend told you);

 

3) but if she's not interested in you (and nothing is developing between you and her), that is not likely to change.

 

It's got to be awkward as hell to work with these two. And I'm not there, but I will say that dating in your own workplace can make thing super weird, and this woman doesn't sound like she's serious about getting together with anyone at the moment. She seems completely unavailable for a relationship, and is dating casually. Is that what you want? If not, it's probably time to move on.

 

As for your friendship with the guy: don't over think it. You guys can chill, but you don't have a say in who he pursues romantically or sexually. I totally understand your jealousy, but you might need to learn how to draw boundaries and keep that in check.

[CC12]

But then again, he could easily conceal it from me, and I could be the dummy that's friends with a guy who's purposely sleeping with the girl he knows I'm crazy about.

Your phrasing here is so strange. "Purposely sleeping with the girl"? I don't understand. Do you think if he were to get together with her, it would be to intentionally betray you or make a fool out of you? Please explain.

 

If he hooks up with her and wants to "conceal it" from you, that's his right. He's not obligated to share personal information with anyone else, even his best friends. And you aren't that close with him. You didn't even like him before. And you have absolutely no relationship with the girl, it seems.

 

Do I continue trying to build a friendship with him and risk the major emotional turmoil I'd go through if I found he's doing what I fear he's doing?

If it's going to devastate you if he starts dating her, then no, don't be friends with him. If he wants to date her, he should. It would actually be silly of him not to go after her simply because it would hurt your feelings.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Sidenote: You have a new acquaintance/friend who is trying to help you get out more and socialize. Don't ruin that over some girl you've never dated and are not even friends with. Forget about her. (Easier said than done, I know, but please try.)

[Inflikted]

See, I know I'm not exactly looking at things in a rational way, it's just tough because I have real feelings for this girl, and I know he's still in a "Nothing but fun and sex" kind of stage, so it just bothers me to think that if I become friends with him, he may start sleeping with a girl that he knows how much I care for.

 

And I get that it's their right to do whatever they want, I'm not arguing that. It just comes at a bad time, because this friendship is still being developed. Him banging a girl I'm totally crazy about isn't exactly going to make that go smoothly, yanno?

 

Heck, at his suggestion, I recently brought up to this girl the idea of she and I developing a friendship, and she responded fairly positively. So there's potential I could develop friendships with one or both of them beyond work. And I would like to be able to do that. I just don't know how to deal with the fact that they're probably going to start hooking up in the near future.

[MCGar]

I hate to put a damper on your crush, and yes, I understand you probably bristle at the idea of calling your feelings a crush.

I think that no matter what happens with your friend, this girl is probably not going to be a right fit for you.

She seems attracted to the type of guy that cheats on her. The cute bad boy. So much so, that she wants to go back to one. She had not warmed up to you and even though she seemed keen to the idea of being your friend. From a girl's perspective, she was probably happy that you gave her an out from rejecting a romantic relationship.

You are hoping this friendship is a gateway to more and she is relieved that you'll settle for friendship, where she can keep you at at distance.

Even if you were able to get her attention long enough to develop it into a relationship, I would NOT be surprised in her dropping you after a while in search for her next bad boy charm. No matter how great and awesome of a boyfriend material you are, you won't 'nice' her into liking you that much.

 

This is why I call it a crush. She, no doubt sees it as one and is still pursuing your friend. Think about that for a bit. What sort of character, not personality, but CHARACTER does she have to act like that? Not that flirting with someone she likes is wrong, but that she is doing it in front of you with your friend instead of being a little more straight with you and saving the flirts and giggles for outside of work.

[anna121]

 

This is why I call it a crush. She, no doubt sees it as one and is still pursuing your friend. Think about that for a bit. What sort of character, not personality, but CHARACTER does she have to act like that? Not that flirting with someone she likes is wrong, but that she is doing it in front of you with your friend instead of being a little more straight with you and saving the flirts and giggles for outside of work.

 

I don't get it.

 

OP and the girl never went out, right?

 

She doesn't owe him anything. It says nothing whatsoever about her character that she's flirting with the other guy.

 

Plus, OP can't even really be described as being "friends" with the other guy!

 

I mean, isn't that what this post is all about? Whether he should be?

 

OP, I think you'd be best advised to leave off trying to be better friends with this guy as long as the three of you work together, or you find another girl to focus on. Even if nothing goes further between the two of them, you'll be constantly watching them for signs of it.

 

Sounds like the definition of crazy to me.

[valerasoy]

Hey OP, I think you should keep your distance from both your "crush" and this guy. It's great that he's trying to get you out of your shell! But from what you're saying is true, and he is causing you this much emotional distress, is it really worth pursing this friendship?

 

On the other hand, he is offering you friendship so that's something to consider. But, it's one or the other.If you really feel like you can't be friends with him because he might date the girl, then I think you need to find other friends.

Find other people at work to hang with, or try opening up to other people.

 

Or, focus on another girl or something else other than her. To be frank, most likely this girl is going to fool around with your friend. You know this deep down. You're just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because you like her. It's unfair to you and to her. One because you're the one suffering, and two, both your friends have the right to date whomever they chose.

 

If anything were to happen between you two, it probably will disappoint you. How people treat others is a reflection on how they will treat you.

 

 

I'm a little curious. What is it about this girl that attracts you so much to her?

 

If I recall, you mentioned her being like your ideal dream girl. Is it because of her looks? Personality? Is she super friendly, kind, thoughtful?

 

I'm sorry to say this but she doesn't seem like girl friend material at the moment; she seems to want more of flings than a committed relationship, and it appears you want a little more.

 

Also like someone mentioned, she seems attracted to the bad boy. Bad boy syndrome tisk tisk..

 

you seem like a nice and sensitive guy. You should find a girl who appreciates those traits.

 

and I know you will!

Edited December 17, 2013 by valerasoy

[Inflikted]

I'm a little curious. What is it about this girl that attracts you so much to her?

 

If I recall, you mentioned her being like your ideal dream girl. Is it because of her looks? Personality? Is she super friendly, kind, thoughtful?

 

Yes, she is my ideal dream girl. I've honestly never cared much about looks, in terms of finding a partner, so it's not really anything to do with that (though she isn't exactly bad to look at, mind you). Overall personality and mind are the biggest attraction factors to me in a potential partner, and it's incredibly rare for me to find someone I'm even attracted to enough to want to go on a date with.

 

This girl pretty much has the perfect mix of all the right qualities I look for in a girl, the way she thinks, the way she acts, the way she perceives things, the way she treats people, her sense of humor, her stances on a lot of things... Most girls I meet have little bits and pieces of stuff I want, but never a good enough combination of them to make me feel attracted.

 

Imagine stumbling on just the right mixture of ingredients to make the perfect drink, but after that, you can't quite recreate it. You can come close and make lots of drinks that taste okay, but you can't quite make one that's as good as the perfect one you made before. That's kind of how I see things with dating. I found this awesome girl, who has just the right mix of everything I'm looking for, but there's nothing I can do about her at this point. And it's hard for me to date in general, because most other girls I meet are just "okay" in my opinion, and I don't want to date someone that's only "okay" to me, you know?

 

I'm sorry to say this but she doesn't seem like girl friend material at the moment; she seems to want more of flings than a committed relationship, and it appears you want a little more.

 

Also like someone mentioned, she seems attracted to the bad boy. Bad boy syndrome tisk tisk..

 

I guess. It pains me to think of her that way, though, because she's always seemed so smart and mature, more so than other girls I tend to meet, and that's one of the big qualities that drew me to her. It kind of boggles my mind that she'd rather date the "bad boy" type, or the immature frat boy type (like her other ex was). Or even just the fact that she'd rather associate with guys like that than a guy like me.

 

I mean, before I asked her out, she and I were hitting it off really well. We had good conversations, we constantly made each other laugh, she seemed to enjoy spending time with me. I know I made some mistakes in the way I handled her rejection, but it makes me sad now that she's so chummy with an ex of hers that actually cheated on her, yet she seems to have almost no interest in rekindling a friendship with me.

 

you seem like a nice and sensitive guy. You should find a girl who appreciates those traits.

 

and I know you will!

 

Yeah, I... dunno. I mean, I'm 25, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only ever been on a handful of dates that went nowhere (and weren't very fun, to me). I don't subscribe to the theory of "the one", and I'd like to think there should be more than one girl out there that I could have something with, but I feel like if there were girls out there for me, I would've met at least one of them by now.

 

Unfortunately, being "nice" and "sensitive" doesn't seem to count for much. From my observations, girls tend to want someone that can "excite" them and bring "fun" to their lives. I've never been the "life of the party" type, I've never been good at making things fun or exciting. At the end of the day, I'm pretty much a dull, boring guy that's fishing for and hoping to catch a girl that's more interested in someone that can bring "fun" to her life.

[valerasoy]

Yes, she is my ideal dream girl. I've honestly never cared much about looks, in terms of finding a partner, so it's not really anything to do with that (though she isn't exactly bad to look at, mind you). Overall personality and mind are the biggest attraction factors to me in a potential partner, and it's incredibly rare for me to find someone I'm even attracted to enough to want to go on a date with.

 

This girl pretty much has the perfect mix of all the right qualities I look for in a girl, the way she thinks, the way she acts, the way she perceives things, the way she treats people, her sense of humor, her stances on a lot of things... Most girls I meet have little bits and pieces of stuff I want, but never a good enough combination of them to make me feel attracted.

 

Imagine stumbling on just the right mixture of ingredients to make the perfect drink, but after that, you can't quite recreate it. You can come close and make lots of drinks that taste okay, but you can't quite make one that's as good as the perfect one you made before. That's kind of how I see things with dating. I found this awesome girl, who has just the right mix of everything I'm looking for, but there's nothing I can do about her at this point. And it's hard for me to date in general, because most other girls I meet are just "okay" in my opinion, and I don't want to date someone that's only "okay" to me, you know?

 

 

 

I guess. It pains me to think of her that way, though, because she's always seemed so smart and mature, more so than other girls I tend to meet, and that's one of the big qualities that drew me to her. It kind of boggles my mind that she'd rather date the "bad boy" type, or the immature frat boy type (like her other ex was). Or even just the fact that she'd rather associate with guys like that than a guy like me.

 

I mean, before I asked her out, she and I were hitting it off really well. We had good conversations, we constantly made each other laugh, she seemed to enjoy spending time with me. I know I made some mistakes in the way I handled her rejection, but it makes me sad now that she's so chummy with an ex of hers that actually cheated on her, yet she seems to have almost no interest in rekindling a friendship with me.

 

 

 

Yeah, I... dunno. I mean, I'm 25, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only ever been on a handful of dates that went nowhere (and weren't very fun, to me). I don't subscribe to the theory of "the one", and I'd like to think there should be more than one girl out there that I could have something with, but I feel like if there were girls out there for me, I would've met at least one of them by now.

 

Unfortunately, being "nice" and "sensitive" doesn't seem to count for much. From my observations, girls tend to want someone that can "excite" them and bring "fun" to their lives. I've never been the "life of the party" type, I've never been good at making things fun or exciting. At the end of the day, I'm pretty much a dull, boring guy that's fishing for and hoping to catch a girl that's more interested in someone that can bring "fun" to her life.

 

 

I understand. I'm sort of new to the whole dating scene, and tad younger than you, but not that much, ha ha. However, I also feel like I'll meet numerous okay guys--which I have --but only a few guys, or even one will be ideal partner. I love the analogy by the way.

 

I feel the same way, OP. I used to subscribe to the notion that there is one person out there for you. However, I discarded that idea because it seems so limiting. What if you never find that one person because they live half way across the world from you? I guess it's also matter of whether you believe in fate or not.

 

Although I still believe there is someone out there for everyone, it's very possible there's not. Regardless of whether you believe in "the one" or not, I believe it's different for everyone depending on their temperament/ disposition/ personality etc. Some people are capable of falling in love with multiple people, some people need one specific person, and others are content with themselves. I could be wrong, but that's the only explanation I see that explains this phenomeon with finding "the one"--or the right ones.

 

I have a quote from a movie that best describes why your friend dates losers. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

 

It's an internal issue only she can deal with. No matter how nice or awesome you are to her like someone said you can't "nice" her into liking you. Even being friends. Also, did you consider the reason she doesn't want to rekindle a friendship with you because she's aware of how you really feel about her?

 

We're all very capable of this. We settle for less because of low self-esteem, and distorted perceptions of relationships etc. Sometimes, it's just easier to remain in bliss, no?

 

Anyway, I don't want to preach to you. Just merely sharing, and giving advice. Still, I don't think you'll move pass this anxiety until you decide that she's not worth the obsession. That something that has to come from you. The same way she has to decide to change her dating taste.

 

Also, don't give up on finding someone. I believe love finds you when you're not looking. Anyway, if you give up on love at the mere age of 25, what does that say about me? And I'm only 21. You would probably say I still have time; I'm too young. I say the same to you.

 

Who knows? You might find someone in the least unexpected place

 

I wanted to add if you continue to view yourself as a dull and boring then other people will see you the same. . Very self-fulfilling prophecy much, don't you think?

 

You don't have to have an exciting life to warrant being an exciting person. What makes you unique is your own experiences and personality. If you don't value those things than who will?

 

There will be a girl who will appreciate you for who YOU are, and won't require you to be exciting or dangerous. That girl is worth fighting for. That girl is worth your time.

 

To me, it sounds like your settling for less( whether you're aware of it or not). And you believe you don't deserve real love.

Edited December 17, 2013 by valerasoy

[Inflikted]

As long as I don't act on those feelings, though, why should that bother her from rekindling a friendship with me?

 

As much as I wish I could be more than friends with her, I just wish I could get her to look at me the way she looks at him, smile and laugh with me the way she does with him, spend time with me the way she does with him.

 

In my experience, I can't ever be that guy. And it's not from lack of trying. I do try, I try to connect with people, but I'm just never THAT guy to anyone. There's always someone "better", and I find that I simply can't compete.