curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 I give up! I'll try to keep this short - but GRRRR I give up! I've been dating my b/f for about 6 months. What started out as a purely sexual relationship has grown much deeper - which is nice. Unfortunately (per my earlier post) the sex has dried up. When it first started I said something along the lines of I felt he had lost interest in me physically - and needless to say, that weekend we were intimate, but that was October 11 - and nothing since then!!!!! I brought this up again on thanksgiving - told him that it just wasn't working for me and if he wanted to end it, he should just tell me. Other than this one issue - everything else is great. I also said that since he would barely be in town in December, I wasn't putting pressure on, but that in January things had to be different. We did spend 4 or 5 nights together since that discussion - needless to say, NADA. Cutting to the end of the story - he's been away since December 20 and I have been taking care of his dog (which is my pleasure, but you can understand it is a hassle as I live in Manhattan) - so I text messaged him asking when he was coming to pick up the dog and would he like me to have dinner ready. He wrote back he would be tired and just wanted to get his dog and go home. I wrote - "hmmmm guess I waxed for naught - AGAIN" to which he wrote that he guessed so. I responded with "I give up." I realize that I really do give up. I have really fallen for this guy - but am afraid of continuing in this unhealthy relationship. At the very least I have tried to discuss my issue with him, he could at least try. I know you guys out there won't believe me, but I really don't ask for much, truly so far this has been it. It is very disturbing and hurtful to a woman when her man loses interest in her physically. Now I am sitting on my couch crying on the dog's shoulder! He really is a great guy, we totally enjoy the time we spend together and I even took up hunting to share his hobby (again something very not normal for a manhattan girl) - why is it so hard? No I have not gained weight or any of the other first things that pop into my head when I feel totally unattractive and inadequate. I could really use some advice or guidance here. I feel like I have truly tried - but am not being met halfway (the only things he has said is that he is tired and/or has a lot on his mind). I also feel like I am throwing away the best relationship I have had in a very, very long time. anything constructive would be very appreciated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 First and foremost, you'll need to understand that it probably isn't you. Some men have some problems with intimacy and have trouble reconciling sex and love in the same relationship. As the relationship becomes deeper emotionally, the man is less able to perform physically. Once the man falls in love, sex is nearly impossible. He can only derive sexual pleasure from women with which he has no emotional connection. Look up the 'madonna whore complex' and you'll see what I mean. It sounds like it isn't a problem with you, its sounds like a problem with him. Have you tried talking about - I mean really talking about it? Ask him about his past relationships, ask him about what he feels about sex and the part it plays in relationships - stuff that keeps the focus on him, and maybe he can open up to you and let you know what's going on. There could be other explanations too, but it will imperative that you get him talking about it and keeping the focus on what is going on with him and not what you think could be wrong with you that is causing it. You may want to brace yourself for the possibility too, that he is withdrawing from the relationship.
quankanne Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 Often, when sex in a relationship wanes, it's for physical (illness or injury) or psychological reasons, but it doesn't mean the love is gone, just the physical expression of it is. from what you've said, though, it sounds like he just doesn't see y'alls relationship as anything other than being buddies, and he's okay with that. it's hard to convince someone to want you that way when he shows every indication that he doesn't see you as a sexual being ... just cut your losses, honey, and start looking elsewhere. If you're comfortable with the idea of being his buddy, then stay his buddy; otherwise just end it. you'll save yourself a lot of heartache from second-guessing why things didn't work out the way you'd hoped.
alphamale Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 hmmm....i usually say this to men....but it sounds like you are a spineless jelly fish that he is taking advnagtage of . if he is not interested in you sexually then he is getting his sex from someone else most likely.
Althalus Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 There is something fishy about his attitude, I think I agree with alphamale, he might be getting his rocks of on the side
munkeygirl Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 curiousnycgirl: I agree. It sounds like he is getting some on the side. You should probably just leave cause he is taking advantage of your willingness to help look after his dog, etc. However, it is really bad to pressure guys into having sex. Making him feel guity is NOT going to make him want you.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Thank you all for your replies - I've actually suspected another woman for a long time, and have even expressed that to him. However this was never an exclusive relationship so there really wasn't much I could or would say about it. He came home last night and did a drive by to pick up his dog. He knows I'm angry and frankly I am in no mood for any of the bs drama, etc. there really is no reason to fight - I just wish he would fess up!!! I had already asked him if he wanted out - and to please just let me know. Nope that's when he said he thought it was heading toward marriage. Regardless - my shrink feels I should simply stop speaking to him, since I feel this is childish it is very hard for me. He has already left me 2 voicemails today and sent a few emails, but I'm trying to be strong. The shrink feels that either he will cut bait or finally realize that he needs to REALLY communicate with me. Oh man I hate playing games!
Recommended Posts