flossicles Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 My ex boyfriend of just over 2 years broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago now. I know it's early days still, but I am getting on with it and trying not to seem bothered even though underneath I'm really hurting. We were each others' first everything and we were, above all, best friends. We had a really lovely relationship and always had such a laugh together. We did a lot together and really really loved each other. He was facing huge pressure from his friends this year and it ended up causing a lot of problems for us as there was one friend who particularly pressured him. This friend has always been on at Matt, my ex, to go out and be 'one of the lads' when it isn't like Matt to be like that at all. He is so hardworking and a real gentleman. He always looked after me so well. I'd been suffering from depression which I think, looking back, the situation with his friends contributed to. I was constantly having to worry about what they were doing, as they drive like idiots despite the fact that one of their friends got stabbed earlier this year. They've got involved with a really bad crowd of people who do really hard drugs, and Matt is so easily influenced. I tried my best to be there for him but one night he just snapped at me and told me he 'couldn't put up with (me) anymore' and that he'd given me a year to change but I hadn't. He then told his best friend that I hadn't bothered to sort any of our problems out, when it takes two people to do so. I haven't contacted him at all since we broke up, aside from once because my drunk 'friend' showed him texts I'd sent to her about the breakup when they were at a party. He went out and sat by the side of the road and cried over me. I called to try to clear the air, not to beg him to get back together, but to try to be civil for the sake of our friends. He just yelled at me and told me 'I don't love you anymore and I don't want a relationship with you, I don't want to talk about anything that happened because we are DONE, we are FINISHED'. He also tried to argue with me but I just told him I was going to go and didn't lose my temper with him. He refuses to talk to me or look at me and acts like I don't exist. The weirdest thing is that he now ignores all his friends aside from the little group he has going on, the ones who are involved with all the bad stuff. These 'friends' treat him like trash and I've had to pick up the pieces so many times when they've hurt him. Since we broke up he's been a shadow of his former self and looks awful. He's been drinking constantly, even when on his own, and just wants to be out all the time. He's recently got a new job and has already turned up to work drunk a few times. He won't speak to anyone and sits by himself most days if we're at college. I don't talk to him and I make sure I'm not in the same space as him because it's really difficult for me, and I don't want to make it any worse for him. The silence is better than animosity in my opinion and I'm really angry at him for ditching everyone the way he has in favour of people who don't actually care about him. They regularly let him down, even last weekend I found out that there was fighting going on in the group and they left him at the side of the road at 2am while they drove off, they didn't care how he got home. He doesn't do any of the things he used to love anymore. His life literally revolves around college, work and drinking. His friend told me that he gets really down and clingy when he's drunk but still refuses to talk about me. Whenever anyone asks him he says he's 'absolutely fine' and then clams up. His parents have no idea what's going on with him, he rolls in around 3 or 4 in the morning and they don't ask any questions. He's got no support at all and I just don't understand why he'd throw what was a really nice and happy life away for this awful, alcohol dependent, depressed one. Sorry it's so long, I just needed to rant. Any opinions?
Sugarkane Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I wonder why some dumpers make such bad choices? I'm not sure how you can help someone who doesn't want it and is hostile. Maybe tell his parents everything and you are worried.
flitzanu Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 some people like to make decisions and actions in their lives...and we have no bearing on those things. 1
Sososad Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I don't want to sound mean or cruel .. But it's not about him anymore . You gotta focus on yourself and look after you. Unfortunately the signs aren't great from what he's told you about not loving you anymore . I honestly think you need to try a bit of no contact and that will defo include Stop hearing about him and what he is up too .. It's hurting you and you don't deserve that. If he doesn't want your help you gotta step back. Give him what he wants space and time . Let him have this new life he wanted doesn't sound like it's all it's cracked up To me .... Look after yourself first ... It's all about you now ... 2
Author flossicles Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 Thanks guys I have just completely backed off. I don't see him, I don't talk to him, I don't do anything that would involve me seeing anything to do with him. I've deleted his number, got rid of his facebook and instagram accounts and blocked him from mine so that he can't see anything. The thing that I can't get my head around is that the night before he was telling me how much he loved me and was really upset that I hadn't seen him that weekend. He seemed ok the next day but a few hours later, he snapped, and since then he has changed into this very strange person. Like I said, he's cut off all his old friends and doesn't do anything but drink anymore. He used to have so many hobbies and interests that he was passionate about, but doesn't do any of them anymore. He can't face me at all and if he sees me, he just stares and looks really upset. He looks terrible and has the worst dark circles, he's really pale and spotty and he always looks a mess, as though something is troubling him. He told me he didn't love me when he was angry and acting up, and I don't believe that it is possible to change your feelings like that overnight. My friends say that they think he knows he's done the wrong thing, but is too proud to admit it. I just can't work out why he would be so horrible to people who stuck by him through everything just because he broke up with me. I'm not really sad because we broke up, I'm sad because he's upset all his friends and I don't want him to end up alone when his crowd dump him, which they inevitably will - they dump everyone. This year is really important for him as we are about to go off to university. His parents can't help him at all and his friends aren't supportive, so he is very much on his own. The pressure he faces from his mates is awful, the 'ringleader' of the group has been called a 'dictator' by one of his ex-friends, and this guy is such a bad influence. My ex's best friend wants to get out of the group but can't without my ex. They have stuck by each other through everything, but they are very weak and bow down to the others. They're both so lovely but they're losing themselves because they won't be strong enough to put an end to it. My ex's best friend wants me to try to help in some way but I don't know that I can.
flitzanu Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Thanks guys I have just completely backed off. I don't see him, I don't talk to him, I don't do anything that would involve me seeing anything to do with him. I've deleted his number, got rid of his facebook and instagram accounts and blocked him from mine so that he can't see anything. The thing that I can't get my head around is that the night before he was telling me how much he loved me and was really upset that I hadn't seen him that weekend. He seemed ok the next day but a few hours later, he snapped, and since then he has changed into this very strange person. Like I said, he's cut off all his old friends and doesn't do anything but drink anymore. He used to have so many hobbies and interests that he was passionate about, but doesn't do any of them anymore. He can't face me at all and if he sees me, he just stares and looks really upset. He looks terrible and has the worst dark circles, he's really pale and spotty and he always looks a mess, as though something is troubling him. He told me he didn't love me when he was angry and acting up, and I don't believe that it is possible to change your feelings like that overnight. My friends say that they think he knows he's done the wrong thing, but is too proud to admit it. I just can't work out why he would be so horrible to people who stuck by him through everything just because he broke up with me. I'm not really sad because we broke up, I'm sad because he's upset all his friends and I don't want him to end up alone when his crowd dump him, which they inevitably will - they dump everyone. This year is really important for him as we are about to go off to university. His parents can't help him at all and his friends aren't supportive, so he is very much on his own. The pressure he faces from his mates is awful, the 'ringleader' of the group has been called a 'dictator' by one of his ex-friends, and this guy is such a bad influence. My ex's best friend wants to get out of the group but can't without my ex. They have stuck by each other through everything, but they are very weak and bow down to the others. They're both so lovely but they're losing themselves because they won't be strong enough to put an end to it. My ex's best friend wants me to try to help in some way but I don't know that I can. your ex and your ex's best friend need to grow a pair and start making adult decisions, and stop involving you or requesting you "help" make things change. they have made their own choices and are going to be living with those choices and that's not YOUR problem. you have no power over anyone's life, and there's literally nothing you're going to be able to do to fix or change any of this...and if you dare try, you're going to make them despise you for trying.
ponchsox Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Your ex is the same person, he just made a decision that he thought was for the best. Things change and so do relationships.
Author flossicles Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 As much as I would love for him to be the same person, as that would make this whole thing a lot easier to understand and cope with, he's not. Even his best friend has told me my ex has completely lost himself and is not the same person he was a month ago. I understand that relationships change and things change but I don't believe you should treat everyone you used to be close to like s*** because you broke up with someone. The saddest thing for me is that his best friend struggles to recognise him. I've told his best friend that there is nothing I can do and that I refuse to try to help him. His friend is going out of his mind as my ex just seems hell bent on destroying himself and pushing everyone out. I just wish I understood what has made him snap at everyone like this. It's not me that I'm worried about, it's his friends, whom he has now abandoned for this new crowd and this new lifestyle. I'm just venting because I'm so frustrated at what he's doing to himself.
stillafool Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 You need to back away and not expose yourself to what is going on in his life. Stop trying to "look" at him to maintain eye contact. Tell your friends to not tell you what is happening in his life because it is now none of your business. This is a stage he is going through and he will find his way. You should just work on trying to heal from this break up and leave him alone. 1
Sugarkane Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I think as dumpees we care too much. It's interesting, if youre not coping as The dumpee, the dumper never cares though. 1
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