CarrieT Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Lolli, it's almost like you think I have something to lose? I've lost everything. I'm a bit with Lolli on this one. You haven't lost everything and if you honestly believe that you have, then why go through the motions of a post-nip and staying married?
aliveagain Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Have her sign the post nup, it's up to you if you decide to enforce it. If it helps to remind her she's married and there is a potential consequence the next time she decides to sample some strange, use it. She may be a great mother but she has a very poor track record as a wife. Your at your strongest now, she may have a change of heart later, get it signed, she's already shown you what she can do. If she can't honour a vow what makes you think anything she can promise you will mean sh*t if there's no financial consequence? 2
drifter777 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Let me add a few other things. She grew up with step father that treated her like crap. I hated him the moment i met him before i heard stories. She has communication issues as do I. Resentment built up and our relationship was horrible. Neither one of us communicated our frustrations and resentment built up. It's not an excuse for what she did but it was a factor. I also learned she was date raped in her late teens. She was drugged and doesn't remember much. She told a few friends but by and large processed it internally. She never told me because the guy she dated before me turned it on her ( I don't want to hear it, are you sure it really happened, etc) she brought it up while in therapy. It's real based on her emotions. Her therapist advised her not to tell me but she broke down. None of this is an excuse but it paints a different picture. Nearly every BH begins to rationalize his WW's behavior a few weeks after d-day. Its denial of just how much damage her cheating has done to your marriage and your psyche. You desperately want to believe she had a "good" reason for cheating so you can just put all this behind you and let time heal your wound. It never works but we all seem to take this path early on. Based on your childhood I would guess that you are codependent. You are more than happy to sacrifice your happiness in return for a "peaceful" family life. I know how this works - I've been there too. Before you make any decisions on whether to leave or reconcile I urge you to see a counselor. You need someone to help you see things for what they are rather than what you want them to be. 1
beach Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 You are right but I have 0% trust right now. Have to cover myself. If you don't trust her - she's got a ton of work ahead of her to earn your trust back. 1
atreides Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Just my 2 cents, staying for your child should not be a reason for R. You need to want to be with her, to find what you once had. If not, it is worse for you, wife and child. 3
harrybrown Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 So she did wonderful things for the POSOM. She was deceptive, she cheated, lied and used alot of energy to have the affair. How would she feel if you had an affair? and what wonderful thing has she done for you? Has she given you a timeline and diary of the affair? Did she do things for the OM that she would not do for you? So what wonderful thing is she going to do for you, to show you that you are not her backup plan, that she is number one, OM is number 2, your child is number 3, and you are somewhere on the list. She has a brain, what wonderful thing is she going to do for you to show you that you are number one in her life? How about not cheat on you? oh too late for that, but she should be able to come up with several things do do for you that shows that she loves you and not the OM. What will that be? She knows you better than we do, she should plan and do something for you. I hope she uses her brain to figure it out. 1
sidney2718 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Everything she's said matches up with emails, text, phone records. It's obvious when you look at her phone bill. The OM travels for work and is rarely in town. He's works in oil and gas and the three times she says they were together are plausible. Our son was with me twice and my parents once. I am in therapy in addition to her therapy and couples. Bottom line is I'm doing it for my kid. At least I tried and can be at peace with that. I grew up with a drug addicted mother and its a miracle I'm at where I'm at. I was beat and abused, and went to bed hungry a lot. When my grandmother took me at 5 i had scars and was more mature than kids twice my age. I want a better chance for my child. If 6 months from now its not working I walk away with the majority of our assets and can sleep at night. Good for you! My take is that you still care for your wife but are terribly hurt. You should be, that's natural. But reconciliation, if it works, will not only be good for your child, but for both you and your wife. From your other posts I understand that you and your wife both had issues, not just the ones outlined above, but issues with each other as well. The issues with each other need work. The two of you have to learn to communicate in a safe way without one of you getting angry or shutting down. This is one of the hardest things to do because we often hear stuff about ourselves that we don't really want to hear. And it is also clear that your wife needs affection. Yes, she is now and will be for some time on trial. But my advice (worth what you paid for it) is that when appropriate you should compliment her, tell her she's doing well, and encouraging her to go forward. She's a human being, not a dog, and can't be trained with a rolled up newspaper...
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