Wife Cheating Explicit Facebook Chat

[oldshirt]

If we do R one idea I had was to go ahead with the D that way if it doesn't work out I'm not back to square one. Anyone ever done that?

 

 

.

 

 

I know a number of couples that divorced and crossed paths years later and reconciled and remarried.

 

It happens but I would not reccommend divorcing as a strategy for reconciliation nor would I reccommend making a half-assed attempt at reconciliation if one is ultimately planning divorce.

 

Whether one chooses to divorce or reconcile, they should be committed and 'all-in' on that course of action.

 

If you need six months of fact-finding, self-reflection and professional counseling to make that decision, that is fair.

 

I urge circling your wagons to protect your assets and relationship with your children in the event her claws and fangs come out if she pursues divorce but otherwise you are doing right currently by finding out the true depths of what has been taking place and evaluating all options.

[Fluttershy]

True.

 

But it will free him to move on with his life if he can no longer tolerate being around her on a daily basis.

 

Realise that most of the people that write into these forums are seeking info and advice on how to reconcile. There is a segment of the population for which adultry truly is a deal breaker.

 

For some people divorce is not their method of trying to free themselves of the images and pain. They are not trying to "punish" their cheating spouse. They simply have lost all their love, respect and esteem for them and no longer wish to be married to them anymore.

My point wasn't that he should reconcile but rather that divorcing isn't ad simple as some people make it out to be. There are people who think if you divorce you wash your hands of the situation and therefore are free of it. Unfortunatly for most it doesn't work that way. It is simple to tell someone "just forgive, just divorce" when yOu have no idea what it i actually like but doin it is not so simple. Before infidelity touched my life I thought you either forgave or walked away. If you divorced, you may have a few trust issues to work through. If you reconciled you forgave the person and moved on (also with a few trust issues). How naive I was!

[oldshirt]

A polygraph would also tell me if this is the first affair she's had. The questions I could come up with would be endless.

 

The questions can be endless but will the answers affect the outcome?

 

Using some hypothetical scenarios, let's say a man finds out his wife screw,,d another man and the mere fact that another penis was in her vagina was all it took for him to make the final decision for divorce, then would know how many penises and how many blow jobs and how many hotel rooms really matter??

 

Conversely let's say another man knows his wife was screwing around but has decided to reconcile regardless of what has taken place, then again will the info from th polygraph but useful or just cause more pain?

 

How the polygraph may help you is if your mind is not made up yet and the results could tip you one way or the other. If there is information to be gleaned that would seal the deal either way, then it could be of benifit.

[Yesterday]

OM is divorced. No girlfriend.

 

Do you know this for sure, or is it your wife protecting the AP.

 

I am sorry you are in this and its unravelling very quickly, if you can try to stand back and evaluate what you do know.

 

1. She's known this guy for years, yet states he means nothing.

2. She engages in hot Facebook messaging with this guy for months.

3. She has failed to be 100% transparent, by covering her tracks already.

4. She is willing to have another child with you, while banging this other guy behind your back. Check for pregnancy, as she may have seen your suggestion as an easy way out of a pregnancy by him.

5. She is way too quick to resolve this with you, yet has lied and continued her deception.

6. Her original contact with this guy was never disclosed to you. This states she he was more than an old friend, back in town.

7. Her sexual encounters with this guy were exciting for her, hence the Facebook explicit photos.

8. She blamed you for her stepping out, yet never discussed this with you before now?

9. Guy travels, higher risk for STD.

 

 

You have received a great deal of support here. If I were running a scorecard, your WW has hit almost all the red flags available. Know that this woman who has done this to you is the real woman you married, not the one you wished she was. The affair is entirely upon her, where it goes from here is entirely up to you.

 

Keep strong, regardless of your decision, protect yourself and your child financially and your health. Good luck.

[TheBladeRunner]

Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. We've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old. I didn't sleep last night and I would characterize the past 24 hrs as the worst day of my life. This morning I brought up the idea of a second child which she's always wanted. I told her I was all in and wanted to start immediately. I really just wanted to judge her reaction and surprisingly she was very excited and on board. This morning I talked with a lawyer friend and by 3pm I couldn't wait any longer. I confronted her and she caved. The bitch is I love her and she's a good mother but what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust her. I told her I would give it two weeks to think about it out of respect for our child and that she had to tell her family what she's done. I like her family better than mine and I think it's healthy for her to admit it. She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy. My gut reaction is it's over. If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her.

 

I discovered the XW's A on Facebook (the constant time with it anyway) as well. It sucks and it's a sh$%#y way to have to find out......through some worthless social media site.

 

The big thing that caught my eye is in bold; mine was in the middle of not one, but two A's at once (at the time, before I really knew) and she wanted to have another kid as well. I never got on board as at that point I was starting to suspect something was going on. Glad I dodged that bullet.

[stretcher2]

If we do R one idea I had was to go ahead with the D that way if it doesn't work out I'm not back to square one. Anyone ever done that? I think that's the only way I would do it. I don't want to try for months or even years and have to relive all this. Some time apart would be good and frankly there may be someone better out there for both of us. Anyone ever require the cheater to take a polygraph? I keep uncovering lies and will never know the full truth. Her period isn't for another week; she could be pregnant right now for all I know which would be a game changer because she would never get an abortion. A side note her parents divorced when she was little due to an affair her father had. Two of her close friends and a sister recently cheated on their spouses. Seems to be a trend.

My wife and I went through a complete D and a year and half later did the R and got remarried. That was in 1996 and now we've been married a total of 38 years with a year and have vacation through her menapause. Son was 16 at that time and he stayed with me.

[atreides]

I discovered the XW's A on Facebook (the constant time with it anyway) as well. It sucks and it's a sh$%#y way to have to find out......through some worthless social media site.

 

The big thing that caught my eye is in bold; mine was in the middle of not one, but two A's at once (at the time, before I really knew) and she wanted to have another kid as well. I never got on board as at that point I was starting to suspect something was going on. Glad I dodged that bullet.

 

holy cow! 2 at once.... how long were you married for before the A's started and what were the red flags? Facebook meh....

[Broken One]

Her test came back fine. My emotions swing wildly and I change my mind hourly, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her I'm filing for divorce. My attorney got everything ready today. I did something stupid though. Last night we had sex. I initiated it. I didn't kiss her just raw sex and we went on for an hour or so. Best we've had in a long time. It was strange in that I was mad but very attracted to her. I wore a condom. This morning the feeling was gone. She blocked his number and Facebook. Despite me telling her I'm filing she won't give up and says she will fight for me to the end. I think it's a little too late.

[Clay]

Its amazing how often you read that same thing on all the threads. My xW did the same thing. It did not stop her from cheating again and again. Its good that you are going forward with the divorce. I should have done it sooner with my xW. It is for sure the thing I regret the most. I wasted so many years with her. I don't regret at all divorcing her. It was honestly one of the best moments of my life.

 

Clay

[Broken One]

Update***

 

She and I have gone to MC. She has told all friends and family. She wrote me a long letter outlining issues with her/us and things she needs to work on. She has blocked his number and on Facebook. No contact since I confronted her and she wrote him a NC letter. Ive decided to try to R for the sake of our 4 year old with conditions which she has agreed to (postnup with asset split in my favor and nada if I catch her again, no spousal support ever, standard visitation rights and she must stay within a radius of my choosing, continued therapy, and I want her to go back to work full time). Wish me luck. If it doesn't work I have a favorable divorce wrapped up but I will do everything I can to forgive and move forward.

[beach]

Glad to hear she's making effort to repair the damage she's caused.

 

Good for you looking out for your best interest and your young child!

 

Did she agree to go back to work right away?

 

 

Does she understand what was so broken within herself that her solution was to cheat on you?

 

Does she practice being completely honest lately?

[Broken One]

Yes to all.

[Broken One]

The guy was a few yrs older than her. He moved away in 10th grade. She had a crush on him and he never paid attention. Ran into him randomly and it went from there. Our relationship was awful the past year. She is a fantastic mother and I can guarantee you the child is mine. He looks identical to me and I know the night he was conceived. The fact that she's willing to sign the postnup tells me a lot; its one sided. She was deeply religious when we met(I'm not) and drifted away from religion. She's started going to church again and I think that's a good thing if for no else but herself.

[Broken One]

Everything she's said matches up with emails, text, phone records. It's obvious when you look at her phone bill. The OM travels for work and is rarely in town. He's works in oil and gas and the three times she says they were together are plausible. Our son was with me twice and my parents once. I am in therapy in addition to her therapy and couples. Bottom line is I'm doing it for my kid. At least I tried and can be at peace with that. I grew up with a drug addicted mother and its a miracle I'm at where I'm at. I was beat and abused, and went to bed hungry a lot. When my grandmother took me at 5 i had scars and was more mature than kids twice my age. I want a better chance for my child. If 6 months from now its not working I walk away with the majority of our assets and can sleep at night.

[dreamingoftigers]

Everything she's said matches up with emails, text, phone records. It's obvious when you look at her phone bill. The OM travels for work and is rarely in town. He's works in oil and gas and the three times she says they were together are plausible. Our son was with me twice and my parents once. I am in therapy in addition to her therapy and couples. Bottom line is I'm doing it for my kid. At least I tried and can be at peace with that. I grew up with a drug addicted mother and its a miracle I'm at where I'm at. I was beat and abused, and went to bed hungry a lot. When my grandmother took me at 5 i had scars and was more mature than kids twice my age. I want a better chance for my child. If 6 months from now its not working I walk away with the majority of our assets and can sleep at night.

 

I completely understand this. Best of luck.

[Broken One]

Let me add a few other things. She grew up with step father that treated her like crap. I hated him the moment i met him before i heard stories. She has communication issues as do I. Resentment built up and our relationship was horrible. Neither one of us communicated our frustrations and resentment built up. It's not an excuse for what she did but it was a factor. I also learned she was date raped in her late teens. She was drugged and doesn't remember much. She told a few friends but by and large processed it internally. She never told me because the guy she dated before me turned it on her ( I don't want to hear it, are you sure it really happened, etc) she brought it up while in therapy. It's real based on her emotions. Her therapist advised her not to tell me but she broke down. None of this is an excuse but it paints a different picture.

[lollipopspot]

The fact that she's willing to sign the postnup tells me a lot; its one sided.

 

Best of luck. I wouldn't sign that document or have someone sign it unless I really wanted to get the upper hand. The divorce still needs to be fair, and people divorce all the time for reasons other than divorce, so that's unfortunate for her.

[Broken One]

The postnup gives me comfort. The assets are substantial. Its not 90/10 but its in my favor and i think fair considering. Honestly i could file for infidelity and realistically get the same with the proof i have. I don't want to start over in 6-12 months.

[Broken One]

Why shouldn't I have the upper hand? don't spread your legs and let your spouse capture a two month facebook chat and confession on tape. If she wants to work on this then show it; I'm indifferent.

[lollipopspot]

The postnup gives me comfort. The assets are substantial. Its not 90/10 but its in my favor and i think fair considering. Honestly i could file for infidelity and realistically get the same with the proof i have. I don't want to start over in 6-12 months.

 

So you don't live in a no-fault divorce state. Maybe it doesn't make a practical difference then.

 

Why shouldn't I have the upper hand? don't spread your legs and let your spouse capture a two month facebook chat and confession on tape. If she wants to work on this then show it; I'm indifferent.

 

Because this is someone you are still wanting to have a deeply intimate relationship with.

 

I can't know about the details of every situation, but I'm someone who doesn't tend to think that cheating happens in a vacuum. That there are lots of little betrayals and issues between partners before it gets to the affair. The affair may not even be the most major betrayal, even though it's the most obvious one to point to. So I can't say that what she did was worse than anything that happened before that. It may just be a more obvious betrayal that what you might have done.

 

Unless the partner is just deeply flawed, in which case you might not want to stay with them because they're liable to do it again.

 

I don't know your specific situation, these are more general thoughts.

[Broken One]

This is the only way I'm moving forward. I was blindsided. Given my background I've been let down all my life. I'm not leaving anything to chance. I was blindly playing checkers before; now I'm playing chess. Not the right way to approach it? F you pay me. Not fair? F you pay me. Cold hearted? F you pay me.

[lollipopspot]

Yeah, this will work out well.

[Broken One]

Lolli, it's almost like you think I have something to lose? I've lost everything.

[lollipopspot]

Lolli, it's almost like you think I have something to lose? I've lost everything.

 

You didn't lose everything, not even close to it. You have a child, plenty of money, some semblance of health, and much more. People are flawed and make mistakes (I assume it was a mistake and not purely bad character, since you're staying in the relationship). It's not the end of the world.

[Broken One]

You are right but I have 0% trust right now. Have to cover myself.