BurnedAndLost Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Make a decision...you can either stay with a woman who has betrayed your trust, had sex with another man, and disrespected you, OR you can leave her and find a nice girl who actually respects you. Why do people say things like this? Like its just that easy to walk away?
JustJoe Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Why do people say things like this? Like its just that easy to walk away?For some people, it is, just that easy. For others it would be earth -shaking. That is because no two opinions are exactly alike, and each individual's tolerances are different. 2
jtb23 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. We've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old. I didn't sleep last night and I would characterize the past 24 hrs as the worst day of my life. This morning I brought up the idea of a second child which she's always wanted. I told her I was all in and wanted to start immediately. I really just wanted to judge her reaction and surprisingly she was very excited and on board. This morning I talked with a lawyer friend and by 3pm I couldn't wait any longer. I confronted her and she caved. The bitch is I love her and she's a good mother but what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust her. I told her I would give it two weeks to think about it out of respect for our child and that she had to tell her family what she's done. I like her family better than mine and I think it's healthy for her to admit it. She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy. My gut reaction is it's over. If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her. Hey bud, firstly sorry to hear what happened it is the most horrible feeling. The same thing happened to me in mid May this year, My fiancée cheated on me with her ex, it was the most gut wrenching feeling. I think you should give her another chance she sounds like she made a mistake. Agree with a post above if she is truly sorry you should give it another try and if she isn't sorry let it go. It is so hard man it takes months/years to get over. Move out for a few days think things over and if you get back together have her break off all contact. An ultimatum is needed, don't make the mistake I have and punish her all the time (I did until a month ago) it is just as painful. You need to catch up with mates and have a few drinks. Cry a little bit it feels good afterwards. Check her phone and email from time to time to make sure she doesn't slip and if in time she doesn't the pain will go away. Good luck mate.
peruano99 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Why do people say things like this? Like its just that easy to walk away? If my girlfriend had oral sex with another man, I would walk away as soon as possible.
oldshirt Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Some thoughts and suggestions in no particular order - - She screwed around, she needs to be the packing up and moving. She needs to be the one that gets to live in a little apt waiting for her turn to see the child. She's the one that needs to feel the shame of being out of her home for her behavior, not you. - it's advisable to hold off on a decision untill you have all the facts on the state of your marriage prior to the affair, the depth of their involvement and where her head is at in regards to reconciliation vs divorce. - She may be backpedaling and trying desperately to reduce her feeling of guilt and shame now that things have blown up in her face but that doesn't mean that few weeks down the road that she will still be wanting to R. Your knee-jerk reaction is to D, her knee-jerk reaction is to try to lessen the damage. Once the dust has settled and the fog cleared she may realize she wants to save the M but she may also realize that she doesn't. - counseling/therapy is just as valuable for a clean,effective and efficient divorce as it is to try and reconcile. Even if the M can't be saved, therapy can help each of you deal with the hurt and the anger and can help you each provide effective parenting for your child and move on with your lives with as little baggage and damage as possible. - it's normal and possibly even healthy to have dreams and fantasies about hurting her. It's a whole other can of worms to actually do it. Enjoy the dreams of revenge but be nothing but cordial and professional in real life. 4
oldshirt Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 The hardest part about a R is I feel like I'm an idiot. People will look at me and think I've got no spine and just settled. I'm no fool and don't want to feel like one. If it means anything I make a very good living and the stress I go through supports the lifestyle she so desperately wants. If we get divorced she would have to go back to work making a small fraction of what I do. Although it looks like ill have to pay 20% of net for the next 14 years. That's why she needs to be the one that moves out. She needs to feel some real world pain an inconvenience over her actions. Whether you R or D, it big part of your recovery will depend on how you view yourself as a man and how well you take care of business. And whether you D or R how well she gets along with you and respects your feelings and decisions etc will depend on how much you support and let her get away with her bad behavior. The guys that pamper and shower their cheating partners with love and compliance to win back their love after the wife's affair are the ones that get cheated on again and then get taken to the cleaners in the eventual divorce. The ones that draw a line in the sand and don't accept being BS'd or disrespected are the ones that have successful reconciliations and successful divorces. She screwed up. She made the mistake and she's the one with the bad behavior. She's the one that has to feel the sting and the one that has to bare the burden of her actions. If you hold her accountable for that and make her bare the brunt of her actions, you will not look like nor feel like a fool. 4
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Well. Learned more today. Three encounters, twice each encounter. So lets call it twelve. Sex was great. I guess It would be outstanding if I could do the same. That day may be soon. One thing she lied about is they didn't use a condom everytime. Holy ****. I really think its beyond gone. Life is too short. Thanks for the advice guys but my heart is stone and I feel like I've come out from a 10 year fog. I deserve and can get much better. **** this; game on. 1
HurtHalo79 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Broken One, may I ask how you found out? Did she admit to it? And for what it is worth, apparently unprotected sex is quite common in sexual affairs. Apparently it all goes hand in hand with the risk taking. So sorry to hear mate. The best revenge is to keep on living well. You evidently don't deserve this crap. For everyone else, is it just me or do 90% of the cases on this forum involve women cheating on their husbands?!? I know it isn't necessarily representative, but it has me wondering...
Fluttershy Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I'm sorry for what happened. I think I fully understand why waywards minimize. 100% suggestion sounds great as advice on here (and I give it) but sometimes it is too much to forgive. OP was on the fence and no condoms and back to back sex (btw, as a woman I would say only 3 encounters even if during those encounters we had sex more than once. The clock restarts when we part ways. And to be clear, I'm talking about my huband here, pushed him off te fence to divorce. I can imagine she felt that having oral sex and reading the details was far worse than protection (I'm not saying I agree). This is why people should really think a little harder before embarking on an A. You probablly will get caught and your life will go to crap. OP, just realize divorce is not going to free you from the pain, mental images, or any of that. You will see her and need to co-parent with her. As the dust settles look into co-parenting help. And please find someone to confide in (NOT AN UNRELATED FEMALE!). You will have a lot of baggage from this to get healing from.
BeholdtheMan Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. Mhmm what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust herThe mind movies make you want to vomit don't they She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy.Irrelevant. Her actions have shownthat she's not to be trusted. I mean, she was even all down to have a second child with her cuckold husband (you). She's a deceiver. It's painfully obvious. My gut reaction is it's over.Do you want to respond like A. a man who values his own dignity or B. an emasculated, spineless b*tch (aka a doormat) If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted.Don't fall back on your kids as an excuse. An unhealthy marriage with resentment over infidelity would probably be worse for your kids than a clean divorce
BeholdtheMan Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Well. Learned more today. Three encounters, twice each encounter. So lets call it twelve. Sex was great. I guess It would be outstanding if I could do the same. That day may be soon. One thing she lied about is they didn't use a condom everytime. Holy ****. I really think its beyond gone. Life is too short. Thanks for the advice guys but my heart is stone and I feel like I've come out from a 10 year fog. I deserve and can get much better. **** this; game on.Good for you! For a moment there I thought you had lost your spine
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) Friend they always lie about using protection, get tested, make her do the same. You may want proof that she is not pregnant, I went through that mind f**k and wouldn't wish that on anyone. What do you know about O/M, how did they meet? Is he in a relationship or married? If so expose him, that's one way to make sure the affair is over. Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights and you need to protect your child. Finally, make sure you protect your finances. They had three encounters, twice each time, where? They have been having an affair for months, that takes planning, this was no mistake.They had a fair bit of time together each time, where was your child, was it in your home, his home or in a hotel? Who helped her cheat, someone had to watch your child while they hooked up, were any of her friends facilitators ,if so they are not friends of your marriage and they have to go. Has she moved out of your bedroom? Has she booked herself into independent counselling, she needs to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat regardless if you stay together or not. Take your time, even if you start the paperwork you can stop it anytime up to the final decree. Be careful, some courts see having sex after discovery as a form of forgiveness. Listen to your lawyer. Staying in an affair with someone she has no feelings for makes me wonder why she risked it all? Doesn't sound true, most women have to feel something for their partner before they have sex with them unless she was in it just for the sex? Edited December 10, 2013 by aliveagain
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 The guy lives out of state but travels here somewhat frequently. They grew up together for a few years before he moved. Met at a starbucks, texted for a few weeks before acting. They did it at his hotel. My son was with me several times. Never exposed to it. She says she is getting tested (pregnancy and everything else) and we have both scheduled therapist separately. I'm talking with a good lawyer this morning. She is leaving for her parents this afternoon for a week or so. I'm taking off the two weeks following and will get out of town. 1
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 OM is divorced. No girlfriend.
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 If we do R one idea I had was to go ahead with the D that way if it doesn't work out I'm not back to square one. Anyone ever done that? I think that's the only way I would do it. I don't want to try for months or even years and have to relive all this. Some time apart would be good and frankly there may be someone better out there for both of us. Anyone ever require the cheater to take a polygraph? I keep uncovering lies and will never know the full truth. Her period isn't for another week; she could be pregnant right now for all I know which would be a game changer because she would never get an abortion. A side note her parents divorced when she was little due to an affair her father had. Two of her close friends and a sister recently cheated on their spouses. Seems to be a trend. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 If we do R one idea I had was to go ahead with the D that way if it doesn't work out I'm not back to square one. Not familiar with the laws in your part of the world but here in the UK you would not be granted a divorce if you were planning a reconciliation. It's a legal document and to be granted a divorce you need to fulfill the legal criteria. One of which is that the marriage is over and you are not planning a reconciliation. Some time apart would be good Really? I disagree. Time apart will allow her to go straight to her OM without having you on her back. If you do decide to R then what you need right now is close surveillance and behavioral monitoring, and you can't do that if you are separated. In fact she is leaving for her parents this afternoon? Are you SURE that is where she is going? Anyone ever require the cheater to take a polygraph? Oh absolutely. In fact just mentioning it to her may yield interesting results. Watch her behaviour, see if she panics, makes excuses, etc. If she has nothing more to hide then she has nothing to worry about, right?
oldshirt Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 What will a polygraph reveal??? That she was having g an on going affair with great sex that she enjoyed and went back for more of???? 1
oldshirt Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 . I mean, she was even all down to have a second child with her cuckold husband (you). She's a deceiver. It's painfully obvious. It's very common for women to have sex with their husbands immediately following a tryst in case they are already pregnant. 1
atreides Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 The guy lives out of state but travels here somewhat frequently. They grew up together for a few years before he moved. Met at a starbucks, texted for a few weeks before acting. They did it at his hotel. My son was with me several times. Never exposed to it. She says she is getting tested (pregnancy and everything else) and we have both scheduled therapist separately. I'm talking with a good lawyer this morning. She is leaving for her parents this afternoon for a week or so. I'm taking off the two weeks following and will get out of town. Did she ever behave in such a way that gave you any other red flags besides the facebook chat? Like meeting at the Hotel, was that out of schedule of sorts?
oldshirt Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 OP, just realize divorce is not going to free you from the pain, mental images, or any of that. . True. But it will free him to move on with his life if he can no longer tolerate being around her on a daily basis. Realise that most of the people that write into these forums are seeking info and advice on how to reconcile. There is a segment of the population for which adultry truly is a deal breaker. For some people divorce is not their method of trying to free themselves of the images and pain. They are not trying to "punish" their cheating spouse. They simply have lost all their love, respect and esteem for them and no longer wish to be married to them anymore. 1
Bugz Bunny Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Well since you have read basically everything what she has done with him and probably planed to do next I really dont see how you could ever successfully reconcile with her because when you watch it,hear it or read what they have done,it is a whole new and bigger level of torture and it never leaves your mind...Whenever you look at her you will have those lines that you read on her fb chat on your mind... I would file for divorce and move on with my life if I was you... Look I am probably in minority on this forum for whom the affair was a deal breaker,I also have a kid and from my experience divorce was the best thing I could do after her cheating...It is tough to divorce,it hurts but you have a chance to build yourself up again quicker then when you stay with the one that betrayed you...You dont have to worry about trust issues,you dont have to worry if you are better this time then OM in bed with her because you can never defeat affair sex (the OM doesnt have to be a hung sex machine,its the secrecy that makes the affair sex great)... Oh and I would advice you to expose her to your and her friends and family and everyone that matters in your life just so that she cant say in future that you caused the marriage to fail or that she eventually introduces the OM like just some random guy who happened to walk in her life after the divorce.Everyone should know that he is also responsible for destroying your family...Believe me if you dont expose and they get together or she blames you for the marriage breakdown it will eat you inside... So expose to everyone that matters,file for D and start working on yourself (read and live the 180)... Oh and btw I am happy with my life,I moved on and after some time found a nice girl that is showing me every day that there are a lot of girls that will respect and love you just the way you are... Good Luck 1
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Good point on legality of divorcing if reconciliation is in the cards. Will ask my attorney today. The last time she cheated she said she was going to lunch with a friend and shopping. She had lunch with the friend but never went shopping. Nothing out of the ordinary in her behavior. I guess the polygraph would give me a chance to she if shes ever told the truth. that will tell me a lot. if her truthful answer under a polygraph doesn't match the story its over right then and there. She's already told her sisters and will be telling her parents this week. I want to keep it in the family for now until I decide what to do. She will have our 4 yr old in tow. She would have to drive 1000 miles and the guy works out of a hotel most of the time. From Facebook I know he'll be back in town in 2 weeks. That may be a good opportunity for me to get out of town and have a PI follow her all weekend. 1
Author Broken One Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 A polygraph would also tell me if this is the first affair she's had. The questions I could come up with would be endless. 1
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 A polygraph would also tell me if this is the first affair she's had. The questions I could come up with would be endless. You are always your strongest at time of confrontation. She may agree to your terms now(including a polygraph) but may not later when she is feeling stronger. Give her your demands for staying in the marriage including a post nuptial or other instrument that will penalize her financially if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Talk to your lawyer about a post nup. The guy may not be married but he may be in a relationship, your wife will probably have this information. If his company was paying for the hotel they may not be too happy knowing that he was using his expense account to bang a married woman, they may want to know this information.
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Do you actually want to go through with the polygraph? Probably not. Like you said the questions you could ask are endless and you will not like the answers. But if you think there's more that she's not telling you, then dropping the polygraph test into the conversation and watching her reaction will answer most of those questions right there and then. If she has told you everything and is prepared to do anything to save the marriage, then she won't have a problem with it. If she balks then there is a reason, and the only possible reason is that there's a lot more you don't yet know. From Facebook I know he'll be back in town in 2 weeks. That may be a good opportunity for me to get out of town and have a PI follow her all weekend. I wouldn't bother with this passive/aggressive stuff. You already know she cheated. All you need to decide is whether you're willing to R or go straight for D. If it's R then you don't need to gather evidence, you just lay down the law and she can stick to your rules or GTFO. You need to be strong here for the sake of your future.
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