Wife Cheating Explicit Facebook Chat

[Broken One]

Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. We've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old. I didn't sleep last night and I would characterize the past 24 hrs as the worst day of my life. This morning I brought up the idea of a second child which she's always wanted. I told her I was all in and wanted to start immediately. I really just wanted to judge her reaction and surprisingly she was very excited and on board. This morning I talked with a lawyer friend and by 3pm I couldn't wait any longer. I confronted her and she caved. The bitch is I love her and she's a good mother but what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust her. I told her I would give it two weeks to think about it out of respect for our child and that she had to tell her family what she's done. I like her family better than mine and I think it's healthy for her to admit it. She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy. My gut reaction is it's over. If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her.

[Leaving]

If you really want to work on your marriage

 

1.Tell her you need complete Honesty either that or you're out the door

2.NC with the OM

3.Her Passwords

4.Let her know this can't happen again

5.180

[tiredofitall2]

I'm sorry you are going through his. If she is not begging and pleading don't give her a chance and file for D. If she does you might have a chance to save your marriage, but it will be a decision you will have to make.

 

It takes a strong person to recover from something like this as the path of least resistance would be D. But It's mostly on her now. she will need to accept her responsibility and take BIG steps to prove she will never do something like this again.

 

First step: No contact letter to OM

If the OM has a wife,GF dog or whatever they need to find out. The affair must be exposed.

Complete openness. No locked phones or passwords on anything

Marriage Counseling and Individual Counseling for both

She will have to tell you where she is at all times

If they work together she will have to quit and find a new job

Compliment MC/IC with books on infidelity, marriage building etc.

 

It is a long road to recovery, but many have come out with stronger better marriages.

 

You will never forget what she did, but the pain one day will dissipate.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are in for a roller coaster of emotions. Please get the book After the Affair to learn more about what emotions you may face. Also, 'Not Just Friends.'

 

Right now you are shattered,but if she is remorseful in the future your feelings may change toward her. I am five months out and my feelings toward my husband have changed. We are not yet a success story, but I don't loathe him the way I did before.

 

No matter what...do NOT blame yourself for any of this!

 

Also, facebook was where my husband's affair started too ... with an old girlfriend.

[HurtHalo79]

Absolutely can sec9nd the recommendation to read 'Not Just Friends' (brilliant) and 'After the Affair'. They will help you cope and let you realise that you aren't over-reacting at all.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and right now you'll be well and truly starting to gravitate to the angry phase. Angry with her for having the audacity to think they were going to get away with it, and angry at yourself for not 'discovering it' or 'working it out' earlier. I found out my wife was involved in an EA four weeks ago, and I am still filled with anger....although it is lessening as I accept the fact that she's done what she has done.

 

You're going to do the same mate. First things first though, you need to make her:

1. Send said douchebag a NC letter/email,

2. Remind her of the consequences of breaking the NC,

3. Read those books while you are angry/confused...they are an easy read,

4. Have a backup plan,

5. Confide in who you need to for support. If that means you throw her under a bus by telling friends/family, so be it. She needs to OWN the affair,

6. Make her work for it....reconciliation I mean.

 

Best of luck mate, please keep posting if you need support.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy.

 

 

If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her.

 

 

 

Cheaters never tell the truth when they are first caught. So just three encounters probably is not true. No feelings for the guy definitely is not true.

 

 

When you say your gut tells you it's over, I am assuming you are talking about your marriage and not her affair. It would not be uncommon for her affair to continue even though you have found out and confronted her, it would be even more likely for her to continue to stay in contact with this guy even if she stopped meeting up with him in person for a while.

 

 

First thing you need to do is to tell your wife what you expect from her if you are to reconcile. At a minimum, I suggest you tell your wife that all contact with other man should end immediately, that she should not contact him in any way, shape, or form, and she should not even look at his facebook or any other social media account. Also at a minimum, if he does contact her, she should tell him to stop, that it's over, and going forward she should tell you immediately any time he tries to make contact with her. Basically, she should be rejecting him in favor of you if she wants to stay married to you. I also recommend you tell her to stop deleting any messages or hiding any communications through special apps, that you will take any sign of her hiding communications as a sign that she is choosing to continue the affair and reject the marriage.

 

 

Next thing you need to do is to stop treating her like a loving loyal wife, like you thought she was yesterday, and start treating her like a potential courtroom adversary who may try to fleece you for all you are worth. Consult an attorney, find out what you should do to protect yourself financially and custody-wise in case it comes to divorce.

 

 

Next thing you need to do is to find out the truth about the affair, and in particular, where your wife stands NOW. Start with the phone bills, look for a phone number with an excessive number of calls or texts, then find out how far back they go. Look at the bank statements, the credit card statements, look at her email. If you don't have access, ask her for access, her response to allowing you to see them alone should tell you a lot.

 

 

Consider putting a voice-activated recorder in her car or in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. In my opinion, there is no single other way to come up with more of the truth more quickly than the voice-activated recorder. She likely will talk to her affair partner in the car, or confide in one of her girlfriends, and then you will be able to see how she really feels about you, about other man, and about your marriage as opposed to what she tells you.

 

 

In all things, consider how her words match up against her actions. If there is a discrepancy between her words and her actions, believe her actions.

 

 

In all things, also consider her motives for wanting to stay in the marriage as far as finances, keeping up appearances, and maintaining her reputation as opposed to loving you or being in love with you. Also consider that other man may not be a viable option for her to leave you for him, he may be married and not ready to leave his wife, he may not be able to provide the stable home life, be a father to your child, make as much money as you. Consider if it's OK with you if she is staying with you for one of these reasons as opposed to staying out of love for you.

 

 

Ask her to handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man, that is to write it by hand on paper, and to give it to you to read it over and mail to him. There is just about no value to this as far as ending contact with the other man, the value is in observing how willing your wife is to do it. The letter would be along the lines of "I feel bad for hurting my husband, I now realize having the affair with you was wrong, I have decided to work on my marriage, so please do not contact me again." She already has told you the affair is over and she has zero feelings for this guy, so writing out a letter saying it should not be a problem if that is really true. Problem is, it's probably not true, the affair may not be over in her mind, and she definitely did have at least some feelings for the guy, so there is a good chance she will argue about writing the letter or balk at writing it entirely. How she handles it will help you to arrive at a decision as to whether you want to divorce her or not.

 

 

You may want to ask your wife to tell you basic information about her affair. When it started, when it ended, dates and times they met up, how often they were in contact with each other, what they told each other, why she did it. Once she tells you this stuff, you compare it to what you know to determine if she is telling you the truth. If it all makes sense, she probably has given you the truth. If there are a lot of gaps, or a lot of loose ends that don't add up, she probably is lying.

 

 

If other man is married or has a girlfriend, inform her of what he has done with your wife. Don't tell your wife that you are doing this, just do it and see what happens. See if he contacts your wife about it, see if your wife gets upset about it.

 

 

After you do all of this, just sit back and observe. If you do this, over the course of the next 2-3 weeks, you should be able to arrive at a decision as to whether you want to divorce or give the marriage another chance.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[JustJoe]

Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. We've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old. I didn't sleep last night and I would characterize the past 24 hrs as the worst day of my life. This morning I brought up the idea of a second child which she's always wanted. I told her I was all in and wanted to start immediately. I really just wanted to judge her reaction and surprisingly she was very excited and on board. This morning I talked with a lawyer friend and by 3pm I couldn't wait any longer. I confronted her and she caved. The bitch is I love her and she's a good mother but what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust her. I told her I would give it two weeks to think about it out of respect for our child and that she had to tell her family what she's done. I like her family better than mine and I think it's healthy for her to admit it. She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy. My gut reaction is it's over. If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her.

OP, these other posters have given you some good advice about how to reconcile, but right now, I think that is premature. Right now, you need to decide if you are willing and able to reconcile. This has nothing to do with your wife, it is all about what you can or cannot live with. Only you can make that call. My advice would be to have very limited contact with your wife, consult your attorney, and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. Take however long you need to decide if reconciliation is what you want and that you will be able to deal with the work and problems that will inevitably arise. Infidelity is now a part of your life and it will ALWAYS be a part of it.

[WakingUp]

Absolutely can sec9nd the recommendation to read 'Not Just Friends' (brilliant) and 'After the Affair'. They will help you cope and let you realise that you aren't over-reacting at all.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and right now you'll be well and truly starting to gravitate to the angry phase. Angry with her for having the audacity to think they were going to get away with it, and angry at yourself for not 'discovering it' or 'working it out' earlier. I found out my wife was involved in an EA four weeks ago, and I am still filled with anger....although it is lessening as I accept the fact that she's done what she has done.

 

You're going to do the same mate. First things first though, you need to make her:

1. Send said douchebag a NC letter/email,

2. Remind her of the consequences of breaking the NC,

3. Read those books while you are angry/confused...they are an easy read,

4. Have a backup plan,

5. Confide in who you need to for support. If that means you throw her under a bus by telling friends/family, so be it. She needs to OWN the affair,

6. Make her work for it....reconciliation I mean.

 

Best of luck mate, please keep posting if you need support.

 

 

You need to make her? You cant make her do anything. Get real.

 

This is so aggro its ridiculous.

 

If you want to reconcile, then do so honestly and openly. Move forward. But do not listen to the bitter and vengeful opinions here.

Edited December 8, 2013 by WakingUp

[HurtHalo79]

When I say 'make her work for it' I mean purely that SHE is the only one that can help him heal with a chance of R.

[tiredofitall2]

You need to make her? You cant make her do anything. Get real.

 

This is so aggro its ridiculous.

 

If you want to reconcile, then do so honestly and openly. Move forward. But do not listen to the bitter and vengeful opinions here.

 

The problem is that being too "understanding" or passive might not get the results the BS seeks. WSs are like drug addicts. As the A is very similar to a drug. That being said, you probably know that people will lie, hide things and do whatever to get their kick. Especially for the first 3 months after the A as they clear from the fog in their head and their feeling "in love".

 

Many people make the mistake of believing their WS first reaction of being caught and feel that perhaps that's the end of the A. Only later to find out that they never were able to stop contacting the OM/W and finally ending the marriage as at that point the hurt and betrayal is to great. Sometimes as the WS gets deeper in the fog under these "understanding" circumstances they turn against the BS and grow bolder and end up throwing the BS under the bus for their AP.

[peruano99]

Make a decision...you can either stay with a woman who has betrayed your trust, had sex with another man, and disrespected you, OR you can leave her and find a nice girl who actually respects you.

[underwater2010]

You need to make her? You cant make her do anything. Get real.

 

This is so aggro its ridiculous.

 

If you want to reconcile, then do so honestly and openly. Move forward. But do not listen to the bitter and vengeful opinions here.

Your right...he can't MAKE her do anything. But he can state his wishes should she decide that she wants to stay in the marriage.

 

 

They are not bitter nor vengeful opinions...they are things that have been proven to work.

 

 

And don't try to tell someone about moving on openly and honestly....that is the load that falls on the WS's shoulders....they were the one being deceitful with the help of their AP.

 

 

See the thing you might not realize is that BOTH the BS and WS have to become an open book to move past the lies. The funny part....most of the time the BS was already an open book.

[painfullyobvious]

I agree with the posters that cheaters seldom tell the truth in the beginning. If she said she only had sex with him three times you can probably double that number and that's probably conservative. The number really makes no difference even if it is once. The fact that there is explicit chat on Facebook leads me to believe this affair has been going on longer than you would think. If you only had sex a few times it seems odd that you would carry the relationship to computer so explicitly so soon after so few (three) encounters.

 

 

My opinion, take things slow and do not give yourself a timeline. I was in shock and barely functioning the first few weeks. Talk to your lawyer friend and discuss options. Let your wife know that you are discussing your options. this does two things; it gives you a game plan if you decide not to reconcile and two it serves notice to your wife that you are not messing around. If you want to work on your relationship many posters gave great ideas. Make sure the affair over, wife goes no contact and you start full transparency with all aspects of her communication devices.

 

 

Do not have another kid with this woman in an attempt to keep her. Research hysterical bonding in affairs. Out her affair partner with his wife, girlfriend if he has one. Watch your wife closely. Cheaters are all talk and full of ideas on keeping the relationship together shortly after and they keep the nature of the affair relationship hidden. Its like a poker game, they want to know how much you know and they disclose only what they think you know.

 

 

Sorry about this for you.

[JustJoe]

OP, at this stage, I would involve your wife as little as possible, until you have made your decision. Keep your interaction to every day issues about the home and child. DO NOT talk about love, reconciliation, the affair, etc. YOU and your child are all that matters, right now. Her wants, needs and her explanations (excuses) will only cloud the issue. There is plenty of time for that, AFTER you have decided if you can/want to reconcile, and if you don't/can't, then it makes no difference. Any consideration or sympathy you give her now, will appear as weakness. YOU are in charge, and she will have to wait on you and your timetable.

[oldshirt]

OP, at this stage, I would involve your wife as little as possible, until you have made your decision. Keep your interaction to every day issues about the home and child. DO NOT talk about love, reconciliation, the affair, etc. YOU and your child are all that matters, right now. Her wants, needs and her explanations (excuses) will only cloud the issue. There is plenty of time for that, AFTER you have decided if you can/want to reconcile, and if you don't/can't, then it makes no difference. Any consideration or sympathy you give her now, will appear as weakness. YOU are in charge, and she will have to wait on you and your timetable.

 

 

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Read JustJoe's last two posts on this thread. This is all a huge shock and blow at the moment. there is also going to be an element of denial on your part and probably a lot of trickle-trothing and outright lies and deception on her part.

 

All this talk of reconciliation and what she has to do etc etc is premature.

 

He needs to find out what the reality of the situation is and has to understand what it means to him, the home and family and the marital assets.

 

Before we have any discussion of reconciliation, it needs to be determined if the situation is even reconciliable first. He needs to find out what has been going on under his nose first. He needs to find out where her head and heart is at.

 

He may not want reconciliation and it may not be the best thing for him even if he does.

 

She may not want reconciliation and it may not be the best thing for her even if she does.

 

He is perfectly in his right to tell her he doesn't know if he is going to stay and try to R or whether he is going to kick her to the curb at the moment because that is the truth..... he doesn't know.

 

and he won't know until he finds out what has really been going on and the extent of everything and he also needs to know where her head is at. She may be willing to jump through hoops and crawl through broken glass to R but then again she may say, 'nope, it's over, I'm done."

 

Right now the house is fire. the priority right now is to get everyone out alive and contain the fire. We can talk with the insurance adjuster once the fire is out and the damage has been assessed.

[stillafool]

Yesterday about this time I sat down at our computer and pulled up her open Facebook page. There was an open chat at the bottom. I spent the next 30 minutes reading explicit sex chat that would make pent house blush. It outlined oral sex they had, photos, you name it. She's been cheating with this guy for a couple of months. We've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old. I didn't sleep last night and I would characterize the past 24 hrs as the worst day of my life. This morning I brought up the idea of a second child which she's always wanted. I told her I was all in and wanted to start immediately. I really just wanted to judge her reaction and surprisingly she was very excited and on board. This morning I talked with a lawyer friend and by 3pm I couldn't wait any longer. I confronted her and she caved. The bitch is I love her and she's a good mother but what I read last night is burned into my memory forever. I don't think I can kiss her again much less trust her. I told her I would give it two weeks to think about it out of respect for our child and that she had to tell her family what she's done. I like her family better than mine and I think it's healthy for her to admit it. She says they only had 3 encounters and she has no feelings for the guy. My gut reaction is it's over. If it wasn't for the kid the papers would already be drafted. I'm at an absolute loss on what to do. A week ago I thought she was the most beautiful person inside and out and now I can't even look at her.

 

Wow that's really bad. She has no feelings for this guy so she just slept with him for what? Kicks? To me that sounds even worse. This is going to be hard to get over and I feel for you and your child.

[bubbaganoosh]

To say that she had no feelings for this guy is pure BS or she wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place.

 

Sexting is bad enough but to have three encounters with him should pretty much say it all so what ever comes out of her mouth isn't going to have a whole lot of truth to it. Go with your gut. If you can't see a future with her then file for a divorce.

[Broken One]

Well, 48 hrs have passed and I'm not shaking and have gotten some sleep. This morning I made her sit down to me next to the computer as I read 50 or so screenshots of the worst. I got her passwords and went through everything, but she's covered her tracks. I had her text the OM and I watched as the convo unfolding. He said he can respect her cutting it off and working on the marriage. She says she's willing and will do anything to make it work. She's a horrible communicator. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have been depressed (no sex drive) and rather than talking about it with me she cheated. I cry every time I think about not seeing my son everyday. She wants us to go to a therapist. I've heard all I need to at this point. I'm going to try to function at my high stress job (commercial real estate investment exec) this week and will see how I feel next. All communication going forward will be about our son. Luckily we have a mother in law suite above our garage and ill be staying there. At this point I'd say its 80% divorce. Even if we go to counseling Ill resent her the rest or our life and hold it over her head. I had a dream this afternoon that I was having sex with another woman while she watched. Strange but the dream made me feel better.

[tiredofitall2]

Well, 48 hrs have passed and I'm not shaking and have gotten some sleep. This morning I made her sit down to me next to the computer as I read 50 or so screenshots of the worst. I got her passwords and went through everything, but she's covered her tracks. I had her text the OM and I watched as the convo unfolding. He said he can respect her cutting it off and working on the marriage. She says she's willing and will do anything to make it work. She's a horrible communicator. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have been depressed (no sex drive) and rather than talking about it with me she cheated. I cry every time I think about not seeing my son everyday. She wants us to go to a therapist. I've heard all I need to at this point. I'm going to try to function at my high stress job (commercial real estate investment exec) this week and will see how I feel next. All communication going forward will be about our son. Luckily we have a mother in law suite above our garage and ill be staying there. At this point I'd say its 80% divorce. Even if we go to counseling Ill resent her the rest or our life and hold it over her head. I had a dream this afternoon that I was having sex with another woman while she watched. Strange but the dream made me feel better.

 

 

Don't even entertain the idea of having a revenge affair!

[tiredofitall2]

You have all the right in the world to D your W. She betrayed you and your son. But, the paid does fade with time and you won't hold it over her head for ever. Many marriages recover and a stronger marriage is built from this sort of situation.

 

That being said, it is your decision to make, you didn't fail, she did. One thing that I would recommend is not to make any decisions about D or R at the moment. it is too early and you are too emotional. Let the dust settle, look at your history together and what has happened and reevaluate. You might still end up at the same conclusion or you might change your mind.

 

Either way, it is not a time for being hasty.

 

It is good that the OM is not pursuing, there is a good chance it was just a fling and not much emotional entanglement. It does not minimize what has happened, but at least it improves the chances of R if you chose that route. It makes it a lot harder when you have a AP or WS that are all foggy and "in love". Or you have some ********* AP trying to win your W over.

 

I feel for your son, I have a 4 yr old daughter myself. They are the true victims.

 

 

Sorry!

[Broken One]

I'm not. I realize it wouldn't solve anything and could hurt divorce proceedings. Right now I have the Facebook e idem e and I secretly recorded the confrontation including her confessing. Our state only requires one consent party to record a conversation. If I do go forward with divorce I don't want to file for infidelity but I want the option if she doesn't go along with me on fair terms. I thought if I ever got a divorce I would fight to the death on finances and my kids but in this case I'm just hurt and want a quick resolution. Like I said she's a wonderful mother and our son is best with her. He's number 1 in our life and I think that will help. I just want a smooth transition for him.

[Broken One]

The hardest part about a R is I feel like I'm an idiot. People will look at me and think I've got no spine and just settled. I'm no fool and don't want to feel like one. If it means anything I make a very good living and the stress I go through supports the lifestyle she so desperately wants. If we get divorced she would have to go back to work making a small fraction of what I do. Although it looks like ill have to pay 20% of net for the next 14 years.

[tiredofitall2]

The hardest part about a R is I feel like I'm an idiot. People will look at me and think I've got no spine and just settled. I'm no fool and don't want to feel like one. If it means anything I make a very good living and the stress I go through supports the lifestyle she so desperately wants. If we get divorced she would have to go back to work making a small fraction of what I do. Although it looks like ill have to pay 20% of net for the next 14 years.

 

It actually takes a lot of guts to forgive and stay, not the other way around. No matter what people think or say. The reconcile a M after an affair is not for the faint of heart. But either way, you are the one that must decide. You did not fail, she did.

[HurtHalo79]

Hang in there mate, you are seething with anger (and that's totally normal). It WILL get better, that doesn't cheapen your feelings, it's just that the stress gives way to resolve.

 

I am still on the fence on D at the moment with my wife; she is trying her best, but the deceit is still very raw. Where I was 90/10 in favour of a D when I found out, I'm not at 60/40....maybe even 50/50.

 

If she hasn't already, get the truth of the affair out of her (although it sounds like you are). NC with the OM immediately, that potential friendship she probably hopes to have with him has sailed for her.

[atreides]

I agree with you on the D, go ahead and file. You can at anytime stop the D; moreover, I can relate to you on the R part. I would say both roads are very rough, there is no easy path out of an A, that is the travesty. You are forced into a crossroads and not of your own choice or doing.

 

I have respect for some of the WS's on LS but if I were their H, R would not be possible in my book. Many say "R for the Kids" but I disagree with that entirely, it is unfair to the kids if R is only for them and not the spouse.

 

So, I agree file for D, and if later on you have a change of heart, than R it will be, either way take control and set the ground rules.